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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be feeling so upset and conflicted about this decision?

144 replies

Sinkingships · 23/09/2015 08:00

Really struggling with this right now.

Things are complicated as you may know from my previous threads.

I have come to realise that I cannot live a life so far from my DC's. I knew that I would leave where I'm living right now to move closer to them after I finish my course of study but I feel like I just can't wait that long.

So now I have a decision to make.

I either leave being my friends, my home, the place I love living and my partner and transfer to a new course of study closer to them.

I stay here and commit to the whole length of the course, running the risk that I may leave part way through and lose my opportunity to get my degree and realise that I will have to leave in two years anyway.

On the face of it it almost seems like an easy decision. I desperately want to be closer to my DC's but I will be moving there with no job, no place to live, and hardly any money, plus the new city is notoriously expensive to live and travel in.

I desperately love DP and I don't want to leave him but I know he won't move with me and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask him to leave his whole life behind for me. I want him to be happy. And I know deep down that our life together isn't going to work long term while I'm so far from the DC's. It's breaking my heart just thinking about it but I don't think I can stay or I will just be putting it off for two years.

OP posts:
OxfordCommoner · 23/09/2015 11:28

I've read loads of your threads now and you've never said why your children were removed. I think if you were honest about that you'd get a much better range of advice.

Intradental · 23/09/2015 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Intradental · 23/09/2015 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shutupanddance · 23/09/2015 11:34

In two years your 9 year old will be a preteen and on the fast track to wanting to be with his friends/alone.

JawannaDrink · 23/09/2015 11:34

Seems a bit of a pointless thread. You want to move to be closer to the children but from the sound of it, you can't afford to do so. So its not actually a real question at all, is it?

Waltermittythesequel · 23/09/2015 11:34

So, the children were completely happy and well, safe and had their needs met with you but SS decided to remove them and ship them off to an entirely new city?

Come on, OP! Did you just want people to tell you to stay?

You don't need anyone's permission or approval.

thelittleredhen · 23/09/2015 11:36

Your DCs are obviously in a stable, loving environment (with your parents?) and you have a good relationship with them and frequent contact via Skype.

My advice would be to stay where you are and endure the next few years being away from them in order to finish your course and then have better prospects when you finish.

Try to arrange visits to see your children as often as you can and use this opportunity of being able to devote 100% to your studies to do bloody well in them.

I appreciate that it can't be easy but I'd not encourage you to give up so soon into your studies.

kungfupannda · 23/09/2015 11:38

I remember your previous threads. As I understand it, SS involvement was triggered by your exH's behaviour, but their involvement continued after the two of you split up, and they ultimately took you to court to remove the children from your care.

If that's right then it's quite clear that your current situation, for whatever reason, is not one that they believe to be right for the children. I don't think staying put and getting a degree is going to change that. If there is any hope of your children returning to your care then you are going to need to make, and sustain, substantial changes to your situation.

I would be thinking about moving near to your children - where you will presumably also have the support of your parents - and having as much day-to-day involvement in their lives as possible. Is there any reason why you can't take over some of the legwork involved in looking after children? Would your parents support this? You could do some schoolruns, cook some meals, help with homework etc etc.

The degree sounds like a long-term goal that may need to go on the back-burner while you get yourself set up in a new place. Find a job, find somewhere to live, re-establish regular contact, and then think about the degree.

Do you still have contact with SS? If so, it might be worth making those big changes and once you have a good set-up ask for a meeting with SS and your parents to discuss the way forward.

I know you say your DP had nothing to do with the children's removal, but the simple fact of you starting a new relationship at that time may have caused concerns. I have a lot of dealings with SS in my line of work, and I did a few months of family law when I was training, and I know that a new relationship - even one that ultimately turns out to be positive - is generally going to be an issue when there is SS involvement. The thinking is often that that the focus should be on the children, not on a new partner, and there can be concerns that someone is moving too quickly after a bad relationship.

You may find that if you are on your own, close to your children, working and re-building family relationships, SS become much more receptive to anything you have to say about the future. If you let the status quo remain for much longer, I'd be dubious about anything ever changing. Not just because of SS, but because your children are getting older, and children can get used to someone not being around. My father effectively absented himself for large chunks of my teenage years after my mother died, and I ultimately lost interest in seeing him. It was years before we got back in touch again. I have a family member who has had problems in relation to contact with his children and has let things slide. One of the two children now has now interest in having a relationship with him. A parent-child relationship needs work and input, like any other relationship, and you can't work on it fully from hundreds of miles away.

Good luck reaching a decision.

atticusclaw2 · 23/09/2015 11:39

I don't understand why people are focusing on the university course like its the holy grail or something. Plenty of people have degrees but still working in low paid jobs unable to get anything else. Its a job, that's all. Nowhere near as important as your children.

Itsmine · 23/09/2015 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sinkingships · 23/09/2015 11:47

I really am not trying to be evasive about why they were removed but I really cannot talk about it in depth on here. It is both too emotionally painful for me (I fully accept I need councilling to help me deal with this) and I believe it would be too identifying to give details. Plus it would take up pages and pages to write it all down.

I can't even think about the day they left without it triggering a massive emotional breakdown. I had a panic attack just watching something related on TV. I have nightmares and flashbacks. The only way I'm coping with life at the moment really, if I'm honest, is to bury it deep, plaster on a smile and do something else to distract me from the pain. My body, mind and soul are at breaking point.

Thank you for your advise squirrel, I do really appriciate it, and to all the others on here who have also given advice. I appriciate it is difficult to advise not knowing all th facts but I very much appriciate you working with th information you had to help me make the right decision.

I think I know what I have to do now.

I think I will be logging off MN now at least for a while, to try and get some RL help that I have been putting off for so long. That way I can focus on what is really important and try to make as positive a change as I can in mine and my DC's lives.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 23/09/2015 11:48

OP you are being less than truthful about your relationship with your partner as well. You have doubts (quite valid doubts from the sounds of it)about that too.

Seriously, you need to start being honest with yourself and then on here if you want any valid advice. There is no point in keeping on starting all these threads without putting any context in (or limited watered down context). The advice you are given could be dangerous for you or your children.

scallopsrgreat · 23/09/2015 11:50

x-post. Good luck OP Flowers

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 23/09/2015 11:53

I think some counselling and working on YOU is essential tbh, not least because of all the trauma you have gone through in a relatively short time BUT doing a full time degree course squeezes you to capacity and some days you wont know whether you are coming or going. It sounds to me like doing this degree is more about boosting your self esteem and proving something to yourself but dont underestimate how bloody hard it will be and if you dont sort out your issues you wont be in the best place to give your all to this course

kungfupannda · 23/09/2015 11:54

There is so much you can do to improve your chances of getting your children back. They've only been gone 6 months. You can turn this around but you've got to be single-minded about it. And even if they don't return to your care, being near them will give you the best chance of maintaining a good relationship with them.

Do everything you can and best of luck.

DreamingOfADifferentMe · 23/09/2015 11:55

Sinking, it feels like you're getting a pretty tough time on here.

I don't envy you the decision you have to make and how you'll make it work but what are your parents' views on this? Are you close to them? I know they have your children, but are they happy to do so? Are they keen for you to get closer to the children and do they know how you're feeling about your next steps? Do you talk to them often?

Can they help in any way at all (other than having your children, which I appreciate is a huge ask) in order to get you closer to the children? Can you ask them for help?

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 23/09/2015 12:04

For example, the children did not move 2 years ago, they moved 6 months ago. I was with DP when they left and had been for 18 prior to that so he was not a new bf I got as soon as they were gone. I appriciate your input but I cannot make any sense of what you are advising if it is based on incorrect assumptions

Well given that you told us in your other thread that the children were removed solely due to the actions/behaviour of your ex partner (their father) and that you were completely blameless, can I just say that you aren't the only one who can't make any sense of what you are being told. Confused

thelittleredhen · 23/09/2015 12:09

Don't log off MN - it's good to write down your thoughts and feelings. and get them out rather than keeping it all to yourself. Perhaps start a thread somewhere quiet?

ShiningWhite · 23/09/2015 12:19

You should move closer to your dc's. They trump everything else and you won't get these years of their lives back.

SimLondon · 23/09/2015 12:19

Sounds like real life counselling would be good to help you make sense of it all, that's probably something your GP or your university can arrange.

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 23/09/2015 12:29

Hmm Same old, same old. You post more or less the same thing each time. You refuse to disclose why they were removed. The flimsy excuse you give makes NO sense at all, and then you flounce when people question you.

ArendelleQueen · 23/09/2015 12:31

I understand why you wouldn't want to share the whole story but I suspect that you can't get the right advice without all the details. Given all this, I think you're completely right to be seeking RL support.

You don't have to tell complete strangers on the internet about all that happened but I do think you need to admit the truth to yourself and get support for it. I have followed your threads and from what I know, I'm not sure this is where you're going to get the answers you need.

I really hope you get the support and help you both need and deserve.

Intradental · 23/09/2015 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 23/09/2015 12:35

Atticus I don't think you are reading my posts correctly. This isn't a question of whether I do the course or not but whether I do it here or closer to my children.

Well frankly, if there is the option to do a course much nearer to your children then why on earth wouldn't you opt for that? It's a no brainer, surely?

Sharon, I do have a stable and trusting relationship with the children already. You have literally no idea why they were removed so to say that is quite accusatory and ignorant.

So you keep saying, ad nauseum. But until you stop avoiding awkward questions and start filling in the blanks with something that makes sense, people will continue to draw their own conclusions based on what they have been told.

As I have already stated there is a very good chance they won't return to my care anyway, I'm not doing all this to maximise my chances at getting them back (although that would obviously be a bonus), I'm doing it to maintain as good a relationship as I can with my DC's.

I don't understand that at all. How is going to uni helping you keep a good relationship with your children? Confused

I am asking for advise on how I can move to be closer to them

Well that's pretty easy from where I am standing. There are hundreds of universities up and down the country. Pick on here to your children, apply there, move there, pay for accommodation with your student loan, get a part time job. Job done. I don't know why you keep insisting it's not possible - it's what thousands of students do every single year. Confused

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 23/09/2015 12:38

pick one near, not pick on here Hmm

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