To be this anxious about baby spending nights away.

[AstonVillaVamp]

I could post this in parenting but I think I'll get a more varied response and personal experiences on aibu :) This is a ramble I'm sorry.

When I was pregnant my other half booked a couple of nights away for us for Xmas shopping in a city about an hour and a half away on the train. It never occurred to me at the time that it would be without my daughter, and I probably wouldn't have been too bothered if that was suggested. But a few months ago my other half told me he had arranged for his parents to have her for the 2 nights/3 days so that we can have some relaxing "us" time and a few drinks and a nice meal. All well and good and a very nice idea.

Well it's happening next week.... and it's making me that anxious I want to be sick! :(

I work full time and my daughter who is now 8 months old is in nursery and partner works part time.... I enjoy the adult time at work and she loves nursery, so no problems there and I've never really been upset about leaving her without me, I know she's in good hands and has lots of fun. She does suffer separation anxiety, but now manages at nursery OK.

She still has terrible stranger danger with my OHs parents, still cries when they come in a room, still whimpers when they hold her...etc. They see her very often, probably the family members to see her the most, but she for some reason reacts better to other people.

Anyway, she has never had a baby sitter, only been watched by them for an hour or two at a time, nursery is her first time being looked after by others, and I think it being busy and full of other babies is a nice distraction for her. But I really worry how she will be with my OH's parents who are in their 50s/60s and (understandably) have a different opinions on parenting to us.

A few things that worried me were : Trying to feed her water against my wishes at 2 months old (had to physically take the bottle out of hand), bugging me about weaning her at 4 months old, telling me the sids awareness campaign about putting baby on their back is a load of rubbish (irrelevant now and DD regularly sleeps on her side and tummy by choice), when she cries they won't let me comfort her because "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc", putting her down for a nap in a double bed with a duvet (OH told them straight about never doing this again)....etc Obivously some of the things aren't a big deal.. but it's more about just ignoring anything I say.

Now what worries me most is my DD doesn't sleep through, she used to, but was poorly a couple of months ago and has never slept right since. And I can't do anything except let her fall asleep on me then pop her in the cot (bad sleep training I know, I try for an hour and a half each night to put her down sleepy, never works), but she still wakes up between 2 and 6 times in the night (sometimes just the dummy is required, sometimes a feed, other times it's a full on battle). OH's mum has made comments in the past about putting her in bed with her (she's a smoker), putting her in the spare single bed with cushions as a barrier, and all sorts of other nonesense that I tell her no, but I think she doesn't care what I think. I really don't think she will persist with settling her back down multiple times in the night. She knows better, she's had two children, she doesn't need me telling her how to do it. So no matter what I say, She'll do it her way. They also support the "cry it out" method. Fine for anyone who wants to do it, but we've decided not for our DD.

I know people will say you can't boss around when you have free child care, but I was more than happy to take her with us. But OH and his parents are insisting we don't, to the point I will practically "offend the whole family" If I don't give in. Clearly I'm not going to enjoy this time away, thinking about it kept me up last night, my OH just gets angry when I bring it up (partly because I don't trust his parents to do what we want, and partly because I think he has the same worries)

Am I being unreasonable and too precious? I just want my daughter to be safe and I seem to have everything I have done so far to make things happy and safe for her brushed aside because I know nothing, and I should just let people do things their way to avoid conflict...

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for here... but has anyone else got any advice on how to cope with this?! I'm sure it gets easier! I want to enjoy our time away, we haven't done anything together as a couple for over a year...

If you're not happy, and I wouldn't be, don't leave her. ILs can be offended as they like about that but what mum says, goes.

Honestly, I'd take her her with me.

It's not about hurting anyone's feelings, or point scoring, but it's about what's best for your DD. I don't think that at this point, having read what you've written about her sleep, separation anxiety and response to your PILs, that it would be in her best interests to leave her. Maybe, just maybe for one night, if you wouldn't be far away if she got distressed, but not for two.

But Dad is equally as important. And he is more than happy for her to go. I can't undermine him, he's just as important and it's a joint decision...

Yanbu, from what you've described I wouldn't feel comfortable either especially in their home. Also it would bother me how she reacts towards them as opposed to other people.

I've talked about taking her with us for the last few months, and even raising the subject upsets OH now..

I'm not sure if there is anything I can say to him that would make him feel any differently about it anymore...

I wouldn't leave her. You won't enjoy yourself at all worrying and so it defeats the purpose of the whole thing anyway. I'd be inclined to say 'Thanks for offering to have her but I'm just not comfortable leaving DD at the moment and so we are taking her/postponing the trip'. If you practically offend the whole family then so be it! Your peace of mind and DDs happiness comes first :)

" Also it would bother me how she reacts towards them as opposed to other people."

I think she may be somewhat weary. Out of everyone they tend to be the people that pick her up and fuss over her without her being handed over by mum, and I think it just worries her. it's mainly MIL (I'm not married but we'll call her that for ease) and the fact that if she gets upset they tend not to hand her over to calm her.

I think they have this idea that I'm a little over protective. But it's mainly around them because I know they disregard me.

Maybe I'm fuelling it without knowing it...

Nope, I wouldn't leave my baby in the circumstances described. It's a joint decision yes, so you both have to agree. Just discuss with your OH what you have said here. Would he see what you mean?

This is very tricky, but your DH should not be making you feel that you cannot raise a subject with him.

Lets begin with that.

Perhaps you need to let him know exactly how upset this is all making you feel. I know this is a joint decision, but his don't cancel out yours.

You have valid reasons why you dont want to leave DC with the ILs. I'm afraid if push came to shove like this in my relationship i'd simply refuse to go on the trip.

Can you not just say that you don't think it's fair for them to have to deal with daughter's frequent night wakings and you've decided to take her with you? And just brush off any objections with 'No - it really wouldn't be fair to expect you to deal with the broken sleep' so that it's clear that you are acting out of concern for your in-laws rather than lack of trust (whatever the real motivation may be). If you think that your husband agrees with you, then tell him that you are really not happy going away under these circumstances and see if he acknowledges your point. If so, then you can tackle it together, but if not then I suspect you have bigger problems in store if he would rather upset you and your daughter than risk going against his mother's wishes.

Really surprised how many people are telling me not to take her.

I thought people may say "oh she'll be fine once she's settled, go have fun" haha

I really don't know how to solve this with OH... he has countless arguments with me about it, and when MIL and FIL see her other half is always taking about when she stays over at their house"

Maybe I could try and fit an "emergency" sleep over at their house this week??

We are only 20 mins walk away.....

Can you explain to him that his refusal to discuss it is making you anxious, and as a partnership it's important that you come to an agreement about what is best for your DD?

I get that the whole issue is probably fraught with tension by now, but the answer isn't to ignore it. Chances are, your DH is struggling with mixed feelings himself regarding wanting to trust his parents, and realising that they might not actually be perfect caregivers.

Stand firm. Don't be bullied into doing something that you feel is not right for your daughter.

People in their 50s are not that far behind you you know. I'm 43 and have the same education as you re baby safety. Your inlaws just sound like pushy buggers.

Do not under any circumstances leave her with them!
She is obviously unhappy with them if she whimpers as they enter the room.
Also if they undermine everything you want for your daughter.
I wish I'd have disallowed my parents to take charge at times, as it meant that as my daughter got older my word accounted for nothing and they would do with her as they liked.

Set boundaries now that you intend to live with forever. If they do not respect the way you are parenting and try to do the opposite when you are around. What will they do when you aren't there?

*Perhaps you need to let him know exactly how upset this is all making you feel. I know this is a joint decision, but his don't cancel out yours.

You have valid reasons why you dont want to leave DC with the ILs. I'm afraid if push came to shove like this in my relationship i'd simply refuse to go on the trip.*

We've discussed to the point of me in tears so many times. Saying how much I want her with us, and exactly what worries me.

I think partly he doesn't want to cause a whole family problem, which it would, his mum feeds of drama and gossip.

and he obviously trusts them a lot more than me, he was brought up by them. He tells me not to worry and that they will follow all instructions. But they ignore me when I'm there, so I find that hard to believe.

My OH was a very poorly baby for a long time, so I know they are more than capable... but their ways are a lot different to mine... and obviously my daughter is set in my ways... not theirs...

Oh it's hard work :(

Oh and don't fret about DCs being funny with certain people. It can be embarrassing and awkward sometimes but they just grow out of it.

(all 4 of my DCs have gone through it with different people and grown out of it by 3 ish at the latest. Currently DD4 (20 months) wont go to MIL for love nor money. No special reason. MIL is great about it, although disappointed of course. We don't push it, and we all know DD will grow out of it).

We've discussed to the point of me in tears so many times. Saying how much I want her with us, and exactly what worries me. I think partly he doesn't want to cause a whole family problem, which it would, his mum feeds of drama and gossip.

Right. Well, it seems he's not going to change his mind.

I'd be saying i wouldn't be going on the trip.

Can of worms, yes, but what's the alternative? Him and his parents railroading you into leaving your child behind. Nope. Not for me OP. Wouldn't happen.

getting cross on your behalf!:)

I do want her to be able to spend time with them, as much as I'm not their biggest fans.

The thing is when I'm at home in the day I can't get her to sleep at all for naps.. nothing works.. Yet everyday she is at nursery she has 30 min naps... without cuddles or fussing... so my OH has the opinion that maybe not being able to fuss for me will be good for her sleeping... ?

Maybe he's right... maybe he's wrong.. doesn't make me feel any better though!

I don't see how an emergency trial would solve anything. They won't phone you to collect her and 'back down' even if she screamed all night would they?

I have 2 DC , I have left the older one with DH while on a long weekend away to NYC at just over a year old she was a good sleeper happy with dad etc I was glad of the break. Dc2 is not a good sleeper and needs me to settle him for that reason we are cancelling a planned night away shortly even though he's over 12 months and have no concerns about MIL safety or CIO opinions. It wouldn't be fair on either of them.

The naps are a red herring.

It's worrying how your DH is willing to make you unhappy to keep the peace with his family. That's what needs addressing, but I fear it will be a can of worms.

I don't see how an emergency trial would solve anything. They won't phone you to collect her and 'back down' even if she screamed all night would they?

Sorry... I probably didn't word it right, I meant evening..

She goes to sleep about 7am... maybe ask them if they can watch her while we go out for a meal or something.. pick her up at 10/11pm... I just want to know if she does settle...

I know she's only 8 months old but she's a bugger for making me out to be a liar already.

I told nursery they'd never get her to sleep. I ring up on her first day... she's fast asleep and slept at the same time every day since!

It's worrying how your DH is willing to make you unhappy to keep the peace with his family. That's what needs addressing, but I fear it will be a can of worms.

I did say that's only part of it yet it's the only part people are picking up on.

As I said.. they're his parents and he will think he knows them better than anyone, he was a very poorly baby that needed extra attention..etc so in his mind there is nothing to worry about...

I can't blame him for that.

If it was my parents (Sadly my mother isn't here anymore) and he had the same worries as me... I'm afraid I'd probably be tempted to act the same way and hope he feels better once he rang up to check on her and found out she is ok...etc

I understand where he's coming from, and I'm not angry at him... just more upset nobody else feels how I do...

No way would I leave her under these circs. And I'd be pissed off if my partner wouldn't listen to my concerns and stand up for the best interests of our baby. She is telling you loud and clear that she is not happy with them right now. (She'll grow out of it.) You aren't forced to leave her with them bc of something unavoidable, it is for your partner, and hard though it is sometimes, parents often need to postpone getting what they need in order to keep their kids safe and happy.

There's not a chance I would leave my baby with people who i couldn't trust to listen to me. And she isn't comfortable with them. Not their fault perhaps, but still, I wouldn't be leaving her with them until she was happy with it.

The only reasons you've really given for going through with it are the fuss they will make if you don't. It's not in your or your dds best interests to do this.

Honestly, if I really couldn't talk to my partner about it, I'd lie and be ill/have something urgent come up. You shouldn't have to, and that's another issue, but no way would I leave my baby in these circumstances.