To be this anxious about baby spending nights away.

[AstonVillaVamp]

I could post this in parenting but I think I'll get a more varied response and personal experiences on aibu :) This is a ramble I'm sorry.

When I was pregnant my other half booked a couple of nights away for us for Xmas shopping in a city about an hour and a half away on the train. It never occurred to me at the time that it would be without my daughter, and I probably wouldn't have been too bothered if that was suggested. But a few months ago my other half told me he had arranged for his parents to have her for the 2 nights/3 days so that we can have some relaxing "us" time and a few drinks and a nice meal. All well and good and a very nice idea.

Well it's happening next week.... and it's making me that anxious I want to be sick! :(

I work full time and my daughter who is now 8 months old is in nursery and partner works part time.... I enjoy the adult time at work and she loves nursery, so no problems there and I've never really been upset about leaving her without me, I know she's in good hands and has lots of fun. She does suffer separation anxiety, but now manages at nursery OK.

She still has terrible stranger danger with my OHs parents, still cries when they come in a room, still whimpers when they hold her...etc. They see her very often, probably the family members to see her the most, but she for some reason reacts better to other people.

Anyway, she has never had a baby sitter, only been watched by them for an hour or two at a time, nursery is her first time being looked after by others, and I think it being busy and full of other babies is a nice distraction for her. But I really worry how she will be with my OH's parents who are in their 50s/60s and (understandably) have a different opinions on parenting to us.

A few things that worried me were : Trying to feed her water against my wishes at 2 months old (had to physically take the bottle out of hand), bugging me about weaning her at 4 months old, telling me the sids awareness campaign about putting baby on their back is a load of rubbish (irrelevant now and DD regularly sleeps on her side and tummy by choice), when she cries they won't let me comfort her because "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc", putting her down for a nap in a double bed with a duvet (OH told them straight about never doing this again)....etc Obivously some of the things aren't a big deal.. but it's more about just ignoring anything I say.

Now what worries me most is my DD doesn't sleep through, she used to, but was poorly a couple of months ago and has never slept right since. And I can't do anything except let her fall asleep on me then pop her in the cot (bad sleep training I know, I try for an hour and a half each night to put her down sleepy, never works), but she still wakes up between 2 and 6 times in the night (sometimes just the dummy is required, sometimes a feed, other times it's a full on battle). OH's mum has made comments in the past about putting her in bed with her (she's a smoker), putting her in the spare single bed with cushions as a barrier, and all sorts of other nonesense that I tell her no, but I think she doesn't care what I think. I really don't think she will persist with settling her back down multiple times in the night. She knows better, she's had two children, she doesn't need me telling her how to do it. So no matter what I say, She'll do it her way. They also support the "cry it out" method. Fine for anyone who wants to do it, but we've decided not for our DD.

I know people will say you can't boss around when you have free child care, but I was more than happy to take her with us. But OH and his parents are insisting we don't, to the point I will practically "offend the whole family" If I don't give in. Clearly I'm not going to enjoy this time away, thinking about it kept me up last night, my OH just gets angry when I bring it up (partly because I don't trust his parents to do what we want, and partly because I think he has the same worries)

Am I being unreasonable and too precious? I just want my daughter to be safe and I seem to have everything I have done so far to make things happy and safe for her brushed aside because I know nothing, and I should just let people do things their way to avoid conflict...

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for here... but has anyone else got any advice on how to cope with this?! I'm sure it gets easier! I want to enjoy our time away, we haven't done anything together as a couple for over a year...

Hell would have to freeze over before I'd allow your ILs look after your DD considering their previous form. No way. You need to put your foot down. Take her with you or else postpone the trip and arrange alternative childcare but your ILs cannot be trusted. Your partner needs to cop onto himself - how on earth does he think he can bulldoze you into a romantic weekend away when you'll spend the entire time worrying about your DD? Your DD needs to come first.

*I see that you're excited at the prospect of this gu asking you to marry him, but why? Certainly in this instance, he doesn't seem too bothered by the fact that you are actually being brought to tears by this situation.

I really have no response to this but didn't want to seem ignorant.

but yeah... Thanks for your comment.

I won't have people trying to make him out to be a bad person or the enemy or not worthy or anything due to him being as strong minded about a subject as me. It is what it is. He's not defined by this situation any more than I am.

I'm not protecting a horrible man who emotionally abuses me or any of the nonsense that can sometimes (I repeat sometimes) be easily spouted on here.

No couple or person is perfect. We will probably both look back on it and wish we reacted differently once its all over with.

Op this sounds like a ridiculous amount of fuss all over what is supposed to be a fun weekend away.

Will you OH world really end if you say - look I have changed my mind I dont want to leave her.

she is 8mnths for fuck sake!! a tiny baby still!!!

Op there is NO judgement on you here at ALL but to put it into perspective I would not unless absolutely desperate have put my baby into nursery at such a young age let alone left them for a few nights at that age.

A weekend away V your happiness as MUM versus babies happiness at such a young age!

I think you need to put your foot down and say " Thank you for organizing this us time, but I feel physically sick and mentally anguished about leaving my baby, I cant help how I feel and going away at this time, is not good for me."

END OF.

What's wrong with an 8 month old in nursery.... kind of shocked by that comment.

There are babies much younger than her there. I've never even really worried about it at that age...

Only skim read thread but I too would be worried about someone being so bloody minded over this.

My DH managed to propose with a toddler in tow

There is a difference between somoene umming and ahiinh and wondering, and being reassured to someone saying they feel sick and worried.

What's wrong with an 8 month old in nursery.... kind of shocked by that comment

^ I did say op, there is no judgement on you or anyone else who puts a small baby into nursery but many would not do it, ( just as many do) I only said it to put into perspective that many would not leave their baby at all, let alone for over night stays that young.

Op I am wondering why you have posted at all on here, it seems like your very defensive and your not taking much on board really....

Autumn is not saying that there is anything wrong with it per se. Just that she wouldn't have done it herself. And nor would I. And I too don't think there is anything wrong with it per se, but I just wouldn't.

I've never even really worried about it at that age...

Glad you have not worried about it or considered it.

Am bowing out now!

enjoying thank you thats exactly what I said - to put the whole trip into perspective but Op is seizing on strange things...and has never worried about her baby in nursery or considered it....so much left to say.

Why do people keep talking about proposal, maybe he's planned a sky dive, or a heavy metal concert, I don't know. ;)

honestly though... no more talk of proposals!! I'm already anxious thank you :)

I would have struggled to leave my (frequent-waking) DC as 8 month olds too, OP, so that's fine you feel that way.

Could you compromise? Get some cast-iron promises from your DP that he'll get his parents to be honest about how upset she is, send you updates etc.? Cut your trip short by one night, maybe, so it's not such a long time? Book another hotel room for your PIL and baby? Think outside the box to please everyone somehow?

I have to say if I was working full-time, was exhausted by night wakings and worried to the point of sickness by leaving my baby, and didn't feel the people I was leaving her with had a good bond with her, then I wouldn't want to go either. And I really would want my feeling respected on that by my DP. A trip booked when you were still pregnant was a long time ago, and neither of you could have predicted how you'd feel now. 8-9 months is a bit of a key time for separation anxiety too.

I feel for you, OP.

I wouldn't leave her with them. Not a chance.

They don't listen to you wrt your daughter's safety and wellbeing. Your opinions on childrearing are so far apart.

In your situation I'd be saying either baby goes with you or you don't go at all.

Op I am wondering why you have posted at all on here, it seems like your very defensive and your not taking much on board really....

I'm only being defensive to the people who seem to be making my OH out to be something he isn't based on this one situation, it's what initially made me delete what I wrote the other day because I though it would get sidetracked into a slagging off the OH thing.

I have every faith he's made his decision for no worse reasons that I have.. all I want to do is resolve it for both of us. Not call of imaginary engagements and start assessing his relationship with his parents..etc.

I am taking everybodies comments on board about what they would do, or already have done, and suggestions...etc. Taking it all on board and appreciate it very much.

My DD is 5 month old and I still won't leave her with either of DH's parents+step parents. His dad and step mum never make the effort to come and see us or dd...they have seen her 4 times since she has been born. And his mum did a shockingly shite job with her own kids and then wonders why I don't feel comfortable leaving dd with her?! Also, she hasn't been to our house since we moved in almost a year ago, had never been to our old house either and we lived there two years. Neither of DH's parents make any effort to see DD, therefore she doesn't know them! On the rare occasion we do see either of them, she clings to me like a baby koala and will not even let me put her on the floor with her toys...so there is no way in hell I am leaving her with them for an hour, let alone overnight!! (And before anyone asks, leaving her with my parents is completely out of the question too)

Well, I'm sure your DP is lovely. But right now he is so set on this trip away going ahead that, for whatever reason (elaborate proposal planned? not wanting to upset parents? genuinely convinced you'll have a lovely time and not worry at all once you're away?), he's determined to go even though it's reducing you to tears. Which is at the very least a bit thoughtless. So perhaps he's not coming at this from a very reasonable position.

You seem very keen on being fair to everyone. Your DH's preferences here are equal to yours, your ILs look after your DD in a way you disapprove of but hey who's to say whose way is best, etc. But you shouldn't have to minimise your feelings and your (totally reasonable in this case) worries! You're allowed to say "I'm not comfortable with this, and if ILs are going to take DD for that length of time then at the very least I'm going to need them to work up to it gradually so we know we're all happy with it."

If he genuinely thought I would be miserable the whole time he wouldn't be so pushy

Then you need to let him know. You've been in tears during arguments about this. Tell him that no matter what anyone else thinks - YOU don't want to leave your baby. You'll be miserable the whole trip if you do. Keep the ILs out of it perhaps? Suggest postponing the trip rather than cancel it. Make him see you're serious.

Op is seizing on strange things...and has never worried about her baby in nursery or considered it....so much left to say.

It never worried me because we had endless visits to the nursery. I clicked with her key worker and she went over all the things I do at home with the aim to replicate as much as possible and make it all as smooth as possible for DD. They got on really well at supervised visits and it all went swimmingly...once she was there without me it was clear that everything was happening as we agreed, and that she had taken to it really well.

Where as the relationship with me and MIL and how we approach looking after DD isn't as good as that. And my DD being wary of them for whatever reason.

Whatever you want to think of me based on the small amount of information I post on here is completely your choice of course...

But he's not actually listening to you is he? He knows his parents don't like you and don't listen to you. So he thinks that if he tells them how he wants them to care for your DD, they'll listen to him. And that you weren't clear beforehand.

Sorry, from everything you've written, that's absolute bullshit.

I'm not saying he's a horrible abusive bastard but sometimes we all really want something to go a particular way and we shut our eyes and ears to the facts that are staring us in the face because they contradict how we want things to be.

PeanutButterFiend

Oh dear, that doesn't sound great does it.

DD does see her grandparents a lot, and their family do all have a great relationship so I don't worry on that part...

FWIW i'm another who wouldn't have left DD at 8 months either. I'd have hated leaving her, counted the minutes till i could get back, so wouldn't have agreed to it. If that helps?

I wouldn't even leave her now, at 20 months.

I think given your daughter isn't happy to see her grandparents and whimpers when they hold her, it would be unfair to her to leave her with them for such a long time (for her.)

I'm going to have another word with him tonight.

Tell him that whatever nice things he has planned, if they genuinely aren't child friendly he may need to tell me what they are so they can be re arranged, or if they are, explain to him that having our daughter with us may make the occasion even more special.

Also going to suggest helping him with excuses to grandparents about why she suddenly isn't staying, I.E something we've found there that we really want to take her to...etc.

Exactly imperial. It's a no brainer here. My MIL is the loveliest woman you could meet, but for what ever reason little DD4 wont let her near. Therefore until that changes i wont be leaving DD in her care unless in the case of a dire emergency.

That's a good plan OP. The bit about saying you've something special for DD planned on the trip especially.

May i say you've kept up with this thread admirably and posted with good grace

FWIW i'm another who wouldn't have left DD at 8 months either. I'd have hated leaving her, counted the minutes till i could get back, so wouldn't have agreed to it. If that helps?

I think it's more if I knew she would love the time away, I wouldn't mind, because I love for her to be happy with or without me.

When I saw how much fun she was having at nursery, playing with other children, crawling around and laughing, massive smiles at her keyworker... I was happy she was there.

But with the In laws she's just not that relaxed. She's very fussy. BUT I'm always there too except for the odd our so she is likely to grab for me and fuss. It's what she does when she sees me and can't get to me :)