To be this anxious about baby spending nights away.

[AstonVillaVamp]

I could post this in parenting but I think I'll get a more varied response and personal experiences on aibu :) This is a ramble I'm sorry.

When I was pregnant my other half booked a couple of nights away for us for Xmas shopping in a city about an hour and a half away on the train. It never occurred to me at the time that it would be without my daughter, and I probably wouldn't have been too bothered if that was suggested. But a few months ago my other half told me he had arranged for his parents to have her for the 2 nights/3 days so that we can have some relaxing "us" time and a few drinks and a nice meal. All well and good and a very nice idea.

Well it's happening next week.... and it's making me that anxious I want to be sick! :(

I work full time and my daughter who is now 8 months old is in nursery and partner works part time.... I enjoy the adult time at work and she loves nursery, so no problems there and I've never really been upset about leaving her without me, I know she's in good hands and has lots of fun. She does suffer separation anxiety, but now manages at nursery OK.

She still has terrible stranger danger with my OHs parents, still cries when they come in a room, still whimpers when they hold her...etc. They see her very often, probably the family members to see her the most, but she for some reason reacts better to other people.

Anyway, she has never had a baby sitter, only been watched by them for an hour or two at a time, nursery is her first time being looked after by others, and I think it being busy and full of other babies is a nice distraction for her. But I really worry how she will be with my OH's parents who are in their 50s/60s and (understandably) have a different opinions on parenting to us.

A few things that worried me were : Trying to feed her water against my wishes at 2 months old (had to physically take the bottle out of hand), bugging me about weaning her at 4 months old, telling me the sids awareness campaign about putting baby on their back is a load of rubbish (irrelevant now and DD regularly sleeps on her side and tummy by choice), when she cries they won't let me comfort her because "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc", putting her down for a nap in a double bed with a duvet (OH told them straight about never doing this again)....etc Obivously some of the things aren't a big deal.. but it's more about just ignoring anything I say.

Now what worries me most is my DD doesn't sleep through, she used to, but was poorly a couple of months ago and has never slept right since. And I can't do anything except let her fall asleep on me then pop her in the cot (bad sleep training I know, I try for an hour and a half each night to put her down sleepy, never works), but she still wakes up between 2 and 6 times in the night (sometimes just the dummy is required, sometimes a feed, other times it's a full on battle). OH's mum has made comments in the past about putting her in bed with her (she's a smoker), putting her in the spare single bed with cushions as a barrier, and all sorts of other nonesense that I tell her no, but I think she doesn't care what I think. I really don't think she will persist with settling her back down multiple times in the night. She knows better, she's had two children, she doesn't need me telling her how to do it. So no matter what I say, She'll do it her way. They also support the "cry it out" method. Fine for anyone who wants to do it, but we've decided not for our DD.

I know people will say you can't boss around when you have free child care, but I was more than happy to take her with us. But OH and his parents are insisting we don't, to the point I will practically "offend the whole family" If I don't give in. Clearly I'm not going to enjoy this time away, thinking about it kept me up last night, my OH just gets angry when I bring it up (partly because I don't trust his parents to do what we want, and partly because I think he has the same worries)

Am I being unreasonable and too precious? I just want my daughter to be safe and I seem to have everything I have done so far to make things happy and safe for her brushed aside because I know nothing, and I should just let people do things their way to avoid conflict...

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for here... but has anyone else got any advice on how to cope with this?! I'm sure it gets easier! I want to enjoy our time away, we haven't done anything together as a couple for over a year...

Yanbu, I wouldn't want to leave my baby at 8 months n certainly not under the conditions u describe.

It is obviously very difficult if u n DH take opposing views tho, u can't take half of her n leave half can u .

Normally I would say why does ur opinion matter more than DH's but I wouldn't be browbeaten or even compromise on this, it's ur baby's safety, not whether to upgrade the car or what to do for Christmas kinda thing, I would always err on the side of caution.

Hope u get it sorted. GL!

He actually arranged the trip for me as a gift, everything he has planned is things for me. And he seems dead set on it needing to just be me there with no baby (some of it is secrets and surprises, so I can't find out why)

He's never usually this stubborn, and he always wants DD to go with us wherever we go, so its not a typical "Wanting to get away from the baby to get his end away" kind of thing.. he's not like that.

I am kind of intrigued why the trip is so special... but the anxiety kind of ruins it! :(

My best friend has had to spend weeks at a time away from her baby when she was 5 months old due to her line of work (sometimes with partner, other times with family members)... so she's reassuring me it'll all be fine... but still...

arrgh.

I categorically wouldn't leave her. I'd never leave an eight month old baby overnight anyway (I know people do though, it's just not something I'd be comfortable with) but in these circumstances, I wouldn't leave my eight year old let alone a baby.

Yes, dad is equally important as a parent but it's my responsibility to put my child's needs first above any adult, including him - and there are some circumstances where he would be equally entitled to say "no way" to something I suggested.

Normally I would say why does ur opinion matter more than DH's but I wouldn't be browbeaten or even compromise on this, it's ur baby's safety, not whether to upgrade the car or what to do for Christmas kinda thing, I would always err on the side of caution.

I completely understand, but when he is so certain she will be fine, and happy, and I am the opposite what do you do?

Now I'm back at work full time he's actually with her more than me (morning nursery and then he has her all day) And I know if it was the other way round I would be being told I know her better because I'm her mum and with her more/caring for her more...etc.`

His opinion is completely as equal as mine, and opposite! it's a bugger. I wan't an agreement between us both.. not one over ruling the other... I know he wouldn't put our DD in danger for the sake of fun, it's not him.. so he's obviously as certain as I am!!

Romantic proposal perhaps?

I think if you're this worried about leaving her, it doesn't matter if they're Mary bloody Poppins - you are going to stress and worry the whole time you're away.

I wouldn't go. Waste of a romantic trip away if you're spending it stressed, sobbing and texting the PILs every two minutes.

(I also wouldn't be leaving mine with PILs who had been happy to override my wishes so much in the past.)

Romantic proposal perhaps?

It's been suggested by people! But I won't pin my hopes on it ;).

As you say, it's a joint decision. Equal. 50/50. So that doesn't mean he has the casting vote.

If you say no, he and GPs will be disappointed and annoyed. If you say yes, you'll do something you clearly don't want to do, don't feel comfortable with and will make you stressed and unhappy. It's very clear from your posts that you are giving their feelings a lot of thought, that you care about them and don't want to upset them. What reciprocation is there on their part that your feelings deserve the same consideration?

What reciprocation is there on their part that your feelings deserve the same consideration?

True true. with the In laws, MIL doesn't like me, at all. It's never bothered me and I won't let it affect the relationship with DD. But obivously she won't give a hoot about what I think (and quite frankly won't think her son knows better about parenting than her)

Other half - I think he genuinely has my best interests. I'm a worrier, and he knows this. I think he genuinely thinks once I'm there, having whatever fun it it, I will be happy... (because he is sure DD will be perfectly fine)

If your opinions are equal and yet opposite then there can be no agreement and the trip wouldn't go ahead.

Have you ''threatened'' to not go if he insists on his parents doing the child care?

Is there anyone else you would be happy leaving DD with? Could this be a compromise?

It sounds like there might be a proposal in the offing, and i can understand why he wants it to be a child free trip. However, when parents have no childcare they're both happy with then trips gets postponed or cancelled sadly. DCs come first. It's one of the hard parts of parenting.

I think leaving a baby for the first time is especially hard, let alone in these circumstances. It might be s bit pfb, but I wouldnt be railroaded into 2 nights away if I wasn't happy with the situation. Could you maybe ask dp to compromise & go for one night?

You do also need to address the mil situation. Mine shows similar disregard for my opinion & therefore has lot less time with dd than she might otherwise. I Don't care if DH or mil are unhappy about this, but if you're going to be forced to leave dc, you might want to nip it in the bud.

when she cries they won't let me comfort her because "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc"

This would put me right off.

You say I know he wouldn't put our DD in danger for the sake of fun, it's not him.. so he's obviously as certain as I am!!

but actually it doesn't sound as if he's certain its a shiningly brilliant plan, it sounds as if he's certain he'll upset MIL if he backs you up and disappoints her... Its all about not upsetting the extended family isn't it?

when she cries they won't let me comfort her because "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc"

I missed that bit

WTF? They wont LET you X, Y, Z?

Come on OP. You're an adult. Don't let people bully you. Sorry, but your DD needs you to put her first.

If you don't want to leave her, you're not going to enjoy yourself are you? So it's pointless.

It's great that he's happy to leave her but you're not. If he's that keen to go away without her, he can go on his own.

To be honest, I don't like the way he's just rubbishing your concerns. Even if his parents were the best ILs in the world, many people wouldn't be happy leaving their baby for that length of time unless they had to for work. And that's absolutely valid.

I wouldn't have left mine at that age either.

Have you ''threatened'' to not go if he insists on his parents doing the child care?

Yes, mid argument. We rarely argue. I feel kinda bad posting about him on here because it's not like us.

Is there anyone else you would be happy leaving DD with? Could this be a compromise?

Friends with children have offered to sit, but not on this occasion. We've just never needed them before despite the offers.

if we DID have somewhere else she could go, I think snubbing the in laws for her to go somewhere else after it being arranged for months would be worse than not going or taking her with us.

I wouldn't have a problem leaving an 8 month old overnight if I trusted who they were staying with. My mum had mine overnight from 5 months and we all loved it. I stayed with my grandparents from 4 weeks and we were all very close.
Anyway so it's not the leaving that's the issue its the fact that you don't trust your MIL so under those circumstances I wouldn't leave her.

but actually it doesn't sound as if he's certain its a shiningly brilliant plan, it sounds as if he's certain he'll upset MIL if he backs you up and disappoints her... Its all about not upsetting the extended family isn't it?

He wouldn't put her in danger for anyone or anything. He's fallen out and lost contact with his parents before over a number of matters where he actually did disagree with them.

He's bothered about upsetting and offending them because he doesn't agree with me. So in his mind he would be unnecessarily hurting their feelings when he does trust them...etc

I have no anger towards him about it.. more frustration.

You are falling over yourself to point out how great your relationship usually is and how your DP has planned lots of nice stuff for your etc. but it does sound as if he is absolutely refusing to consider your feelings - he has a plan, he wants it to go exactly as it is in his head, you don't seem to be allowed any say about what you would actually prefer. That does not sound equal at all. The feelings of his parents are being considered, but not yours, even though in theory the weekend away is a gift for you.

Something is very wrong there!

if we DID have somewhere else she could go, I think snubbing the in laws for her to go somewhere else after it being arranged for months would be worse than not going or taking her with us.

Yes, i thought that even as i suggested the alternative babysitter. But i thought i'd ask anyway :)

Seriously OP, if you have real concerns for your baby's well being then don't leave her. That means take her with you or refuse to go. They're the only two choices you've got.

I get that you don't row with DH much, and don't like confrontation, i'm the same. But this is your child we're talking about - and your children come top of the tree IMO.

You have to swallow all your shyness, hatred of confrontation, and love of the status quo when it comes to doing what's right for your kids. It's going to happen more and more as they get older.

If you are not happy with the arrangements, don't leave her. If you can't agree on childcare then take her with you or don't go, or change the parts of the trip that can't be done with a child. Trust your instincts and don't be bullied into something you are not happy with. If this trip is a gift for you, it should be a pleasure, not creating anxiety.

You are falling over yourself to point out how great your relationship usually is and how your DP has planned lots of nice stuff for your etc

No I'm not...

I'm just saying I don't know how to approach it, because in all the years we've probably never been so polarised on anything! We always compromise.. this is the first time I've had to take other people's advice on how to deal with something that seems to be a dead end!

I get that you don't row with DH much, and don't like confrontation, i'm the same. But this is your child we're talking about - and your children come top of the tree IMO

You have to swallow all your shyness, hatred of confrontation, and love of the status quo when it comes to doing what's right for your kids. It's going to happen more and more as they get older.

I'm very confrontational actually! I regularly tell his parents when I disagree with something they are doing... tends to leave his mum in a strop.

We are both very strong characters.. it's not that we don't argue because one of us is a pushover, tends to be because we usually agree or there's an easy compromise.

This is a pickle!

That's why I posted on here... I'm not used to not getting my own way (lol!) So I truely didn't know if I was being unreasonable and needed to let go.. or whether I should keep pestering about it...

But why does he think his parents will look after your child properly when they've already demonstrated that they completely ignore the way you're choosing (as a couple) to raise her? I suspect it's because it's convenient for him, I'm sorry to say. He's got this all planned in his head and he's just overlooking the fact that they ignore you.

My mum looked after my DS one day a week until he was 2. She wouldn't have dreamed of going against the way I'd decided to do things and she's a lot older than your ILs. It's not their age, it's about their attitude. It doesn't matter if it's free childcare or not. You wouldn't send your DD to a crap nursery which rode roughshod over your parenting style because it was a bit cheaper, would you? So why is this any different?

Every parent is different just like every child and if you're not happy, I would either not go, or shorten the trip to 24 hours (so leave after her nap on day 1, 3pm ish, and come back for a similar time the next day so they don't have to worry about getting her down for a nap, only bedtime sleep)

My DD2 is 20 months and I left her overnight with someone other than her dad for the first time last month. I left her for 18 hour's which was a good length of time for a first attempt. I haven't left my eldest for more than one night either. This is with my parents who are in their 50s, were foster carers until last year and have the same parenting views as me re leaving baby to cry etc (i.e. we don't) and very very respectful of us as pare ts. It really helps me that they text at 8pm and 11om when either of the girls sleep over to let me know they've gone down ok, if they needed calpol or whatever.

Maybe I am a control freak but she is your baby and youshouldnt do anything you aren't comfy with. Personally I do think 3 days / 2 nights apart is probanly too much of a baptism of fire for you botj

My DD2