To be this anxious about baby spending nights away.

[AstonVillaVamp]

I could post this in parenting but I think I'll get a more varied response and personal experiences on aibu :) This is a ramble I'm sorry.

When I was pregnant my other half booked a couple of nights away for us for Xmas shopping in a city about an hour and a half away on the train. It never occurred to me at the time that it would be without my daughter, and I probably wouldn't have been too bothered if that was suggested. But a few months ago my other half told me he had arranged for his parents to have her for the 2 nights/3 days so that we can have some relaxing "us" time and a few drinks and a nice meal. All well and good and a very nice idea.

Well it's happening next week.... and it's making me that anxious I want to be sick! :(

I work full time and my daughter who is now 8 months old is in nursery and partner works part time.... I enjoy the adult time at work and she loves nursery, so no problems there and I've never really been upset about leaving her without me, I know she's in good hands and has lots of fun. She does suffer separation anxiety, but now manages at nursery OK.

She still has terrible stranger danger with my OHs parents, still cries when they come in a room, still whimpers when they hold her...etc. They see her very often, probably the family members to see her the most, but she for some reason reacts better to other people.

Anyway, she has never had a baby sitter, only been watched by them for an hour or two at a time, nursery is her first time being looked after by others, and I think it being busy and full of other babies is a nice distraction for her. But I really worry how she will be with my OH's parents who are in their 50s/60s and (understandably) have a different opinions on parenting to us.

A few things that worried me were : Trying to feed her water against my wishes at 2 months old (had to physically take the bottle out of hand), bugging me about weaning her at 4 months old, telling me the sids awareness campaign about putting baby on their back is a load of rubbish (irrelevant now and DD regularly sleeps on her side and tummy by choice), when she cries they won't let me comfort her because "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc", putting her down for a nap in a double bed with a duvet (OH told them straight about never doing this again)....etc Obivously some of the things aren't a big deal.. but it's more about just ignoring anything I say.

Now what worries me most is my DD doesn't sleep through, she used to, but was poorly a couple of months ago and has never slept right since. And I can't do anything except let her fall asleep on me then pop her in the cot (bad sleep training I know, I try for an hour and a half each night to put her down sleepy, never works), but she still wakes up between 2 and 6 times in the night (sometimes just the dummy is required, sometimes a feed, other times it's a full on battle). OH's mum has made comments in the past about putting her in bed with her (she's a smoker), putting her in the spare single bed with cushions as a barrier, and all sorts of other nonesense that I tell her no, but I think she doesn't care what I think. I really don't think she will persist with settling her back down multiple times in the night. She knows better, she's had two children, she doesn't need me telling her how to do it. So no matter what I say, She'll do it her way. They also support the "cry it out" method. Fine for anyone who wants to do it, but we've decided not for our DD.

I know people will say you can't boss around when you have free child care, but I was more than happy to take her with us. But OH and his parents are insisting we don't, to the point I will practically "offend the whole family" If I don't give in. Clearly I'm not going to enjoy this time away, thinking about it kept me up last night, my OH just gets angry when I bring it up (partly because I don't trust his parents to do what we want, and partly because I think he has the same worries)

Am I being unreasonable and too precious? I just want my daughter to be safe and I seem to have everything I have done so far to make things happy and safe for her brushed aside because I know nothing, and I should just let people do things their way to avoid conflict...

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for here... but has anyone else got any advice on how to cope with this?! I'm sure it gets easier! I want to enjoy our time away, we haven't done anything together as a couple for over a year...

Well at 8 months I would have struggled to leave mine with my parents (in whom I have complete confidence).

I dont think YABU!

Just re-read the OP and I would not be leaving her with your in laws at all I don't think, given their previous conduct and the fact that she could come along with you (and it'd be free to take her anyway!)

I know you both have a say but I think the person who has doubts about the safety and happiness of a baby wins out. You're not a paranoid person, you're not out to get your MIL, you're not super-obsessive about your baby.

Take the baby with you. There's plenty of time for your MIL to have her when she's older.

But why does he think his parents will look after your child properly when they've already demonstrated that they completely ignore the way you're choosing (as a couple) to raise her?

From what he is saying in his opinion we didn't set the rules firmly enough, and that I only told them "no" once they did something I didn't like. I specifically remember whittering on about things though... especially the "only put her in her bassinet" for me to nip to the shops and find her in a bed... but... they do tend to ignore EVERYTHING I say... not just about DD, so I'm surprised they even remember who I am and what I'm doing there. So his opinion is that he will be setting the rules (and writing them down) and that they will follow them. I don't believe him, because they treat him like a child and I can't imagine them following any rules written by him... but... again he disagrees.

It boils down to they don't like or respect me, and they think they know better than their son because... well he's their son.

My dad is the same but luckily he refuses to babysit :)

In any case, if you work full time and your baby is 8 months old, surely you want to spend most of your free time with her? It's not much of a break to be separated from her, particularly if you're worrying non-stop about her.

I wouldn't leave her. She's too little. Your ILs disregard what you say. She doesn't feel happy with them. She's never been looked after by them for that long, and alone.

YANBU. Your h may want a weekend away/to have you to himself for a weekend but the baby has to come first. You're not going to relax if you're worrying about her, anyway.

In any case, if you work full time and your baby is 8 months old, surely you want to spend most of your free time with her?

Of course I do what a silly question... I don't think going away for 2 days would translate into me not wanting to spend my free time with her.

I can see why it's hard for you. Contrary to a number of posters, I don't think your DH is actually being that bad; if he doesn't agree that your DD - whom he spends more time with than you do, who he clearly protects and wants to be with / doesn't want to be shot of ASAP - would be endangered, I can see that he might find it difficult to upset his parents for no "valid" (in his mind) reason.

Having said that, I would have felt (and have actually felt) the same way you do. I'm afraid this might be one of those situations where one parent puts his or her foot down. This could be a first for you? I've had to do it only twice (first time was about leaving my baby too soon, I just couldn't do it and everyone thought I was mad. With hindsight, my fears were groundless but my strength of feeling was insurmountable - I physically couldn't leave her. The second was about our choice of school for her).

The question is which parent? To be honest, in all the list of things you mention, the one thing that puts me off is that she will be staying in a smoker's house. That would kill it dead for me. Could they stay in your house, also her familiar surroundings? If you are fine with the smoking issue, in my opinion none of the other things you've mentioned would actually endanger your DD. I mean, of corse they could, but so could any number of things we all do with our and other children, innocuous things like turning your back on a toddler for the two seconds it takes to fall out of a chair etc. Really, it seems the biggest crime I s that they don't listen to you, the mum, and don't respect your parenting choices.

So it boils down to whether you are prepared to go against your OH (with whatever consequences that has for you, I'm also thinking proposal!), in order to not allow your ILs to disrespect your parenting choices. DD I'm sure will be fine - she's bound to be upset but any baby would be the first time it's left for a couple of nights. That's hard for you but here has to be a first time. In all that you've said, there's nothing to make me feel they don't care for and love her - and, the older I get and the more in-law stories I hear, that seems to me to be the guiding principle. She will be cared for, not ideally, but she will be loved and cared for. Only you can decide whether it's worth it, choosing between her and OH.

"He wouldn't put her in danger for anyone or anything."

She wouldn't be in danger with the ILs from what I have read.

But that doesn't mean that she would be happy & welll cared for either.

I'm over 50 & this "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc", just makes me feel sick tbh.

If I had my baby GC for a couple of days/nights I'd be dancing attendance tbh, not choosing to leave them to cry!

Going against the grain a bit.

Perhaps there is some truth in the fact you are over protective. You didn't think the nursery would get her to sleep- but they did and she's fine.
Dp is very hands on with her and he thinks it will be fine.

I don't know really. We don't know you and we don't know them. On face value yanbu, but are they really that bad? Perhaps she is wary of them because she picks up on your feelings and the tension between you all.

It's really not good that she needs to fall asleep on you when she doesn't need to at nursery. Can dp get her to settle? Perhaps it's not a bad thing for her to get some sleep training without your, understandable, anxieties.

Your friend thinks you should go. Dp thinks you should go. It sounds as if he wouldn't be afraid to upset them if he had real concerns. Can you ask someone else, who have observed the dynamics first hand, what they think?

I think a proposal may be on the cards and it is important to dp. It's pointless going if you won't relax and enjoy it, but it is worth looking closely at your feelings and see if perhaps their intentions are good. Their ways may not be the way you do things, but some may not be that bad. Perhaps list just a few "this way must not be deviated from" but ask them to use their judgement on others that are different but not so crucial.

Can you compromise so that you have one special night with dp on your own, and she is there the rest of the time?

Only you can decide as we don't know how much is over protectiveness and how much many people wouldn't think twice about. There are many good ways of parenting. Just because it's not how you do it, doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong it will damage her.

If it will spoil the weekend though, dp isn't going to get much out of taking you away. Good luck on making the right decision.

Personally, I wouldn't leave any of my dcs overnight alone at 8 months old. I know though that people do, different strokes for different folks. However, that your IL completely disregard the way you want to bring up your baby, that's a no-brainier for me.

Sorry I couldn't be more help....

OP, you think you don't have a DH problem but I really think you do. It reminds me a lot of my own situation so I may be projecting but will try not to. I had a similar situation with DS1 and it has taken me 5 years to confront DH about what an earlier poster said here - that he cared more about upsetting his parents than me. We are in a good place now and trying to deal with various issues but this is one of the many things we should have sorted long ago.

I know you think DH is not the problem here because you are so happy otherwise but its easy to be blissfully happy before you have children. He hasn't had to put his own family before his parents before. This issue will not go away.

You seem to think he is doing everything for you, planning surprises etc. Sod waiting for a proposal while he shows complete and utter disregard for your feelings. How romantic is it to insist on a trip that is making your wife/partner miserable?

I don't think you need to over analyse whether its ok toleave your baby at 8 months. Many parents would be happy leaving an 8 month old and many wouldn't. Both are valid responses and feeling as you do I don't thinl you should leave DD. But I'd advise caution about assuming your DH knows best because its his parents. He may be too close to have any objectivity. This has certainly been my experience. I was so eager to not be the awkward DIL that I ended up letting my DS2 be in an unsafe situation that made it crystal clear to DH what an error of judgement we were making.

I've worked hard to build a good relationship with my PIL because like you I know its important. But I actually think we would have a much better relationship had DH ever listened to my feelings.

SushiAndTheBanshees

I think you've pretty much hit the nail on the head with what's going on in my mind.

I know no one is out to hurt her, and I know my other half has no intention of putting her in harms way for a party or a shag...etc and he has no reason to, and he isn't that type of person anyway, and I know as much as I dislike the MIL she also isn't out to hurt my DD, that's the thing that constantly leaves me to not putting my foot down. Everyone adores her and wants her looked after as best as possible. Who's way is best? Who's to say! All I know is what she's used to and I don't want to have a massive shift in her type of care.

the one thing that puts me off is that she will be staying in a smoker's house. That would kill it dead for me

If she smoked in the house this would be done with before it began. Both my parents smoked indoors and I feel very strongly about it. His father doesn't smoke and his mother only smokes outside and at the kitchen door. I know she will make a conscious decision to make sure DD is no where near any smoke, and the furniture in the home isn't in contact with smoke..etc. That is something I do trust her on.

Grapejuicerocks

MIL IS really that bad, very pushy, very obsessive... people have commented on it. FIL is great, no issues with him, but it's very unlikely he will have much involvement in the childcare.. just the fun bits! ;)

It's really not good that she needs to fall asleep on you when she doesn't need to at nursery. Can dp get her to settle? Perhaps it's not a bad thing for her to get some sleep training without your, understandable, anxieties. He can settle her for the night, but not for the wakings, mainly because she doesn't wake him, and he's too slow on the uptake when he's tired so she just gets more wound up. The quicker I am the more likely it is she will fall asleep without too much intervention, so he rarely gets involved unless it kicks off! :)

Thank you for all your advice though... you're being the sensible brain I need!

I wouldn't leave her. Not in a million years if she is as you describe developmentally. She is 8 months old. She has no clue you are coming back at all. She doesn't like or trust them that much, either, and they've never cared for her for more than 2 hours, yet now it is about to be 2 nights, 3 days?

What's the point, anyway? You won't have nice adult time. You'll be climbing the walls missing her and worrying about her, and you will resent DH like hell for forcing you into it.

It looks to me like you have a choice between your small baby and your DH's best interests. As a parent with very young kids, IMO it should be a no-brainer. Though I'm lucky, because my DH would agree with me on this one. 8 months is very tiny to leave a baby with someone else with no sight of mum for that length of time. It's fine if they are happy and confident and settled with the alternative carer, and fine if the baby is a sociable type at this point and enjoys time with other people, and fine if the parents are also happy. Obviously it's also fine if there's no alternative - I had to go to hospital when my baby was around that age, as an emergency admission, and she just had to cope. That's life, and no avoiding it.

In this setup, none of that is in place, is it?

Your husband understandably wants some time away with just you but he will not have a good time if you're not! You will be unable to relax and will worry. You know she's unlikely to come to any harm but that's not entirely the point - you need to be 100% comfortable with anyone you leave her with.

I would take her and have an adventure, just the three of you.

It boils down to they don't like or respect me, and they think they know better than their son because... well he's their son.

I wouldn't leave my child in the care of someone with no liking or respect for me, full stop. QED. And for days? And your DH can't see why this is an issue?

My DH has all sorts of problems with his mother, for very excellent reasons. Reading a lot of threads on MN, it seems I'm the lucky one.

I know you think DH is not the problem here because you are so happy otherwise but its easy to be blissfully happy before you have children. He hasn't had to put his own family before his parents before. This issue will not go away

He didn't speak to his family for about 6 months a few years ago because of a situation that arose between me and them. They were in the wrong and wouldn't give in. So he did the right thing...

I have no doubt at all he is always doing what he sees as best... I have no worries about it.

I wish people wouldn't try and make a singular issue into a whole relationship problem. Because it isn't.

You seem to think he is doing everything for you, planning surprises etc. Sod waiting for a proposal while he shows complete and utter disregard for your feelings. How romantic is it to insist on a trip that is making your wife/partner miserable?

If he genuinely thought I would be miserable the whole time he wouldn't be so pushy, he never is pushy in fact. It's really out of character.

If It was an ongoing problem in my relationship to be at loggerheads with my OH and In laws then I wouldn't be so stuck with this situation.

I no problems with my other half, I'm not even mad because I can understand his views on all this. It's just fruistrating we can't come to something without falling out.

also I'm not "waiting for a proposal" before people mentioned it it really hadn't occurred to me... it's not something I expect of him or require.. if it happens lovely, if it doesn't I don't mind.

I know she's only 8 months old but she's a bugger for making me out to be a liar already.

Enjoyingthepeace

I'm sorry but what was it about that comment that bothered you? A face isn't helpful...

Stop overthinking - you're not comfortable with leaving her, so you're not going to.

This thing about Dad's feelings being equally important .- not at 8 months in my opinion. I was very biologically bonded to my babies until well over a year old. It's hard to describe now it's over, but they were still very closely connected with me at that age. It's like someone tearing out part of your flesh if they take your baby away from you without you being 100 percent comfortable with it.

Aston, you seriously think your 8 month old connives to make you out to be a liar?

I see that you're excited at the prospect of this gu asking you to marry him, but why? Certainly in this instance, he doesn't seem too bothered by the fact that you are actually being brought to tears by this situation.

Enjoyingthepeace it was a flippant comment, not meant literally.

Aston, you seriously think your 8 month old connives to make you out to be a liar?

It was a light hearted comment in regards to me telling nursery she will never sleep for them, only for her to sleep every day.

(or for instance when she had a viral infection, I took her to the docs saying I couldn't stop her screaming, only for her to smile and laugh at him, then scream none stop when we left)

Don't be daft. :)