To be this anxious about baby spending nights away.

[AstonVillaVamp]

I could post this in parenting but I think I'll get a more varied response and personal experiences on aibu :) This is a ramble I'm sorry.

When I was pregnant my other half booked a couple of nights away for us for Xmas shopping in a city about an hour and a half away on the train. It never occurred to me at the time that it would be without my daughter, and I probably wouldn't have been too bothered if that was suggested. But a few months ago my other half told me he had arranged for his parents to have her for the 2 nights/3 days so that we can have some relaxing "us" time and a few drinks and a nice meal. All well and good and a very nice idea.

Well it's happening next week.... and it's making me that anxious I want to be sick! :(

I work full time and my daughter who is now 8 months old is in nursery and partner works part time.... I enjoy the adult time at work and she loves nursery, so no problems there and I've never really been upset about leaving her without me, I know she's in good hands and has lots of fun. She does suffer separation anxiety, but now manages at nursery OK.

She still has terrible stranger danger with my OHs parents, still cries when they come in a room, still whimpers when they hold her...etc. They see her very often, probably the family members to see her the most, but she for some reason reacts better to other people.

Anyway, she has never had a baby sitter, only been watched by them for an hour or two at a time, nursery is her first time being looked after by others, and I think it being busy and full of other babies is a nice distraction for her. But I really worry how she will be with my OH's parents who are in their 50s/60s and (understandably) have a different opinions on parenting to us.

A few things that worried me were : Trying to feed her water against my wishes at 2 months old (had to physically take the bottle out of hand), bugging me about weaning her at 4 months old, telling me the sids awareness campaign about putting baby on their back is a load of rubbish (irrelevant now and DD regularly sleeps on her side and tummy by choice), when she cries they won't let me comfort her because "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc", putting her down for a nap in a double bed with a duvet (OH told them straight about never doing this again)....etc Obivously some of the things aren't a big deal.. but it's more about just ignoring anything I say.

Now what worries me most is my DD doesn't sleep through, she used to, but was poorly a couple of months ago and has never slept right since. And I can't do anything except let her fall asleep on me then pop her in the cot (bad sleep training I know, I try for an hour and a half each night to put her down sleepy, never works), but she still wakes up between 2 and 6 times in the night (sometimes just the dummy is required, sometimes a feed, other times it's a full on battle). OH's mum has made comments in the past about putting her in bed with her (she's a smoker), putting her in the spare single bed with cushions as a barrier, and all sorts of other nonesense that I tell her no, but I think she doesn't care what I think. I really don't think she will persist with settling her back down multiple times in the night. She knows better, she's had two children, she doesn't need me telling her how to do it. So no matter what I say, She'll do it her way. They also support the "cry it out" method. Fine for anyone who wants to do it, but we've decided not for our DD.

I know people will say you can't boss around when you have free child care, but I was more than happy to take her with us. But OH and his parents are insisting we don't, to the point I will practically "offend the whole family" If I don't give in. Clearly I'm not going to enjoy this time away, thinking about it kept me up last night, my OH just gets angry when I bring it up (partly because I don't trust his parents to do what we want, and partly because I think he has the same worries)

Am I being unreasonable and too precious? I just want my daughter to be safe and I seem to have everything I have done so far to make things happy and safe for her brushed aside because I know nothing, and I should just let people do things their way to avoid conflict...

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for here... but has anyone else got any advice on how to cope with this?! I'm sure it gets easier! I want to enjoy our time away, we haven't done anything together as a couple for over a year...

EponasWildDaughter

Thanks :)

You're in an impossible position, aren't you. I think I'd try leaving her with them for an evening - can they pick her from nursery, take her home, put her to bed? You can find out from nursery how she felt about going with them, and then when you pick her up 10/11ish, you'll hear about how it all went. I would be really unhappy about the first time for this sort of thing being such a long trip - better to try it out in advance first.

FWIW, I fretted hugely about leaving PFB with my parents for just the inside of a day when he was about 4 months; wept buckets on leaving him, and then when we'd got a certain distance away, it was if the elastic snapped, and I had a lovely day (until the end, coming home, when it miraculously reattached itself and I was utterly desperate to see him again...) So I totally get where you're coming from worrying.

From your orginal post the only thing that would bother me now would be that pil don't share a bed, everything else is issues as much younger baby.

At this stage my husband craved some time where i wasn't mum and he wasn't dad and desperately wanted to some couple time to reconnect

You're in an impossible position, aren't you. I think I'd try leaving her with them for an evening - can they pick her from nursery, take her home, put her to bed? You can find out from nursery how she felt about going with them, and then when you pick her up 10/11ish, you'll hear about how it all went. I would be really unhappy about the first time for this sort of thing being such a long trip - better to try it out in advance first.

This may be a plan I need to follow through with.

I didn't think about asking nursery! Very good idea!

Good that you plan to talk again OP. If your OH insists on his original plan and says that this needs to be a common decision, perhaps you could recall the fact that (based on your post) he made the original arrangements with the grandparents without consulting you.

Your baby cannot defend her own interests and stand up for her needs. Her parents have a duty to do that. Her needs should really rank above the potential upset and drama with the MIL. Being with her loving parents as much as possible, and most importantly in this situation, not being abandoned to effective strangers (which is how your DC would perceive the situation, based on what you've written), rank as high as the need to be fed, clothed and kept clean at this time.

(Don't feel that this is an attack on the other decisions you have made and shared in this thread. I am writing this as a full time working mother. But if you didn't take this seriously and put your DC first in this situation, you would be failing her in a pretty important way.)

OP, I think the poster who said she wouldn't leave her 8mo at nursery was trying to say that it isn't compulsory to leave a baby of this age in any setting if you as a parent don't feel comfortable with it. It feels to me a little as if you are being railroaded by your dh and ILs into this weekend and your responses to some people's posts are you trying to make it OK with yourself. FWIW, a lot of the stuff in your OP (your dd's unease with ILs, the potential bedsharing with a smoker, the potential for her being left to cry) made me think that NFW would my child be left there, and I'm not PFB, I'm a seasoned mother of two about to have her third. Your anxiety seems to me to be well-founded, and your dh seems keener on pleasing his parents than on listening to you and his dd.

Dh and I haven't had a child-free night together in over a decade of being parents, and have been for a child-free evening out together precisely once, and it is fine - as is our relationship. We make time for each other in other ways. I appreciate this will sound like some people's worst nightmare, but if your dh is suggesting, or you think, your relationship needs this, it isn't necessarily the case.

I am in my 60s and I wouldn't leave a baby with separation anxiety for two days with people she is not comfortable with, NO WAY! And as for "she needs to cry it's good exercise, it'll help her sleep....etc", whao, that is nothing to do with their generation, even my mother, who if she were still alive would be over 90, never believed in this.

I wouldn't bother even trying OP.

You don't want to leave her& from what you've said I don't blame you.

Tell your OH it's all of you on the weekend or just him.

Maybe he does want some time alone with you OP.

Well, for the moment he'll just have to want!

Don't leave her! I started having my Granddaughter to sleep over when she was about 15 months old. She had seen me at least twice a week since birth and I had looked after her during the day for one day a week since her mum went back to work. My DD and her DH I felt that by then she was old enough to begin to understand what was happening and we talked to her about it a lot. I'm appalled that your ILs want her to stay when she's clearly not yet comfortable with them. That time will come, but it's not the right thing now!

Sounds reasonable to me for you to stand your ground and not leave her with his parents for two nights whilst you are away. Particularly if she hasn't spent much time with them (any?) on her own.

They should respect your choices as her mum.

For what it's worth I now look back and sometimes wish I'd got my DD used to staying with my parents and had some time off, but I didn't want to at the time....I figure that there will be time in the future when she is old enough to understand we are coming back to do that.

I think their age is irrelevant to how they would treat her as long as they are fit. You are lucky to have such young in-laws!!
My parents are older and wouldn't leave my DD to cry when they look after her.

Sounds like your DH had a nice idea but now feels caught in the middle. Poor sod if he was planning to propose!! Wouldn't a nice meal out with someone she knows (eg a nursery worker) babysitting suffice at this stage in your lives?!

This isn't an issue of parental disagreement.

He wants to go away and leave his 8 month old daughter, so he can.

You don't want to go away and leave your 8 month old daughter, so you needn't.

It isn't a "gift" to browbeat someone into taking a trip you want them to take even though they don't want to.

Don't leave your baby for days at a time until you feel ready to.

Her father can feel ready to before you do. That's a matter for him.

Why you are trying to talk yourself into doing something that every mothering instinct you have is telling you not to do, is beyond me.

You have a perfect right not to want to go away without your baby.

Your PILs have no right to several days and nights of babysitting.

Your DP has no right to a weekend away with you.

This is 100% your call.

Don't want to go?

Don't go.

What have you decided to do op?

I'm going to go against the grain and say that I would go on the mini-break and leave the baby. Reasons:

• you are probably more exhausted than you know and it will do you good to have a weekend without baby,

• your DH wants a weekend without baby,

• while I think your concerns about your ILs are totally valid, it does not sound like they are a danger to the baby.

• I personally think it's likely the baby will quickly settle (not trying to be blamey but is it possible baby senses the tension between you and ILs and dislikes them for that reason?)

• retaining harmony in the family should obviously not be a priority over baby's health and well-being, but it's not nothing either,

• it might be good for your anxiety to leave the baby and then find that things are fine.

But at the same time it's obviously your call, and I don't think you'd be doing anything wrong by not going.

I've not left my ds with anyone other than my DH overnight. He is over 2.5

It is only now that I'm confident that he will be ok with me gone and understand that I'm going to return.

Trust your instincts - and sod them if they get annoyed (your iaws). They will get over it.

Oh and them telling you what you can and can't do. Start saying "thanks for the advice but that is not the way we parent". And repeat as necessary. Regularly . Hopefully they will shut the fuck up.

Co sleeping with a smoker and an unsafe set up would be raising red flags beyond belief. If I thought she'd do something like that she'd not be having her overnight for a long time.

You have the strength to do this. She is your child... people say that it takes a village to look after a child, but there is always a village idiot and no one leaves them in charge of the baby.

No update yet? I hate it when people invest a lot of time and then you are left hanging.