AIBU to be bitter about something that happened nearly 20 years ago when I was a child?

[StardustHunter]

In the spring of 1997, when I was 7 years old, I attended an entrance exam for a very prestigious private school. It was arranged by my mum. At the time, I was attending a poorly performing state primary school. Despite the passage of time, I vividly remember the details of that day. I remember marveling at the opulence of the private school and its surroundings. Compared to my school, which was a crumbling, decaying dump, the difference was like night and day. It almost resembled stepping into a parallel universe. I remember the playing fields with their immaculately cut grass, the smartness of the uniforms, and the palpable sense of prestige as I entered the school building. Though I was very young, it felt like a vitally important moment in my life. Despite being from one of the poorer areas of the UK (I actually feel ashamed telling people where I'm from), and being from a polar opposite background to most of the other kids who were there, I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. My school was a chaotic madhouse of disorder and indiscipline by comparison. I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted, and genuinely believed I would be returning there a few months later. That didn't happen. Those few hours I spent at that school, on that day, are the closest I have ever felt to being where I wanted to be in life. I have never came close to experiencing that feeling ever since.

This remains a cause of friction between me and my mum. After I repeatedly pressed her on why I didn't get accepted to that private school, she finally revealed that it was because she couldn't afford it. I am uncertain as to what the fees were at the time, but I believe they were several thousand pounds per year. Yet still she sent me to do the exam, knowing that she wouldn't be able to pay. To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway. To be honest, I'm surprised the school even allowed me to. They could probably have deduced by looking at my home address that I was probably from a poor family and my parents were unlikely to have the wealth needed to sustain a private education for me. Yet off she sent me, dangling the carrot and giving me false hope. I had my chance, did everything I was supposed to do to grab it, but it then transpired that I had no chance whatsoever from the start. Here I am now, 18 years later, languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come. I was sadly not able to overcome the constraints imposed on me by the upbringing I had - being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents. I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success. Also, I have two extended family members who went to private school as kids. They used to look down on me because they were all in private schools and I wasn't. I went NC with them a long time ago for that and other reasons. They're thriving now as adults, which further foments my bitterness about the whole situation. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

If your mums situation is in any way similar to mine, she would have let you sit the exam in the hope that you got a scholarship.

My ds would have gone to a private school, but only on 100% scholarship.

They offered him 50%, but I am not in a situation to pay £300 a month fees, £300 a term bus fare, £350 a them for dinners.

There may have been somebody poorer than you in your school. Or somebody who did slightly better in the exam. Or just had a better face on the interview day.

I am guessing your mum wouldn't have paid the entrance exam fees, taken you out of your school and had all the other hassles with that day, if she didn't think you had a chance at a scholarship.

You can't blame your mum for your perceived failure to achieve what you wanted to achieve in life. There are ways and means.

They probably had scholarships on offer, so she wanted to see if you would get one.

But for the rest, YABU. Private school is not the only route to success. If you want to do something with your life then do it.

YABU. Perhaps your parents hoped you would get a bursary and you didn't.

You need to let this go. You have no idea what your life would have been like. Maybe you would have been bullied for being from where you were. Maybe you would not have found friends.

A few hours when you were 7 have not dictated the rest of your life. Thousands of people with exactly the same background as you have had successful lives. You are eaten up with jealousy an bitterness, that's why you are so unhappy.

You have many years ahead of you in which to make a success of your life. Wallowing in self pity and blaming your poor mother won't get you where you want to be.

YABU.

Perhaps if you let go of your bitterness you could have focused more energy on making the best of the education you had. You are 24/25? Hardly too late to go to college and retrain in a career if you are motivated to better yourself.

Is it possible your mum wanted to know if you could be accepted and whether there would be any financial help available?

Oh, and what Why said, too.

Maybe she was hoping for a scholarship or bursary for you but you didn't get one.

I have a vague feeling that there used to be bursaries to private schools for kids paid for by the government but that was stopped by the new Labour government around then.

Also,

The private school ds wanted seems a bit "Woolley" to me, while the local comp is outstanding and does loads more with the kids!

Having got it off your chest you now need to let it go.
Perhaps your mother thought they might have given a bursary, who knows.
The bottom line was they couldn't afford it. You can still do something with your life- it is never too late. Don't make it the excuse for failing. Less than 7% of children get that chance.

Have you asked her why? Was there a scholarship going? Tbh there will gave been many more influences in your life than this one incident. Although I can see that it hurts and that you feel bitter, your life us in your own hands. You seem to have built your unhappiness on this one thing over which you had no control. You do, however, have control over the rest of your life.

Yabu

Perhaps she hoped you would score highly in the exam and be offered a scholarship?

It is not your mums fault. It's up to you to work hard to get where you want to be.

I think it's a shame you feel so upset and bitter this many years on. It must use up a lot of your energy to feel so strongly about it.

Maybe she made a mistake and was hoping for a miracle to help pay for it. Or maybe she was spiteful and mean.

Either way it's ancient history now and you are responsible for your own life and happiness.

Are you in any sort of counselling or therapy?

It comes across a bit as hating your family for being poor. In real life very few people can afford private education. I certainly couldn't. My parents couldn't either but our neighbours could (we were comfortable enough but not rich ).

You know what's holding you back? Your attitude. I know plenty of people from poor backgrounds who are thriving because they don't sit on their arses going over disappointment from when they were seven, they get on and do what needs to be done. You could have a better situation but you'd rather blame your mother for not banding it to you on a plate.

I sat an entrance for a private school. I passed well, but not enough to attend on the scholarship grants. My parents vould not afford the fees. I did not go.
I went to an average school, achieved a range of great grades, went on to a well thought of university and qualified in my chosen field. Since then my parents have followed their own academic dreams.
Privare school is not the only route. I doubt your parents are without intellifence at all. I am sure your view would not be quite so jaded if your cousins(?) were not complete vicious, uncaring excuses for humanity. To lack the awareness private school simply isn't a every day expense is down to their parents who perhaps (i am guessing) were ruffled at you passing an entrance exam like their darlings.
You need to focus on your life, what you can do and achieve not on the barriers.

My DH got 100% bursary at 11yrs. I expect that is what your mother hoped for. Probably she couldn't have afforded even a reduced bursary. You should be pleased she gave you the chance- not angry.

I feel your pain. I always wanted to go to uni. I ended up doing my a levels at night school, working a 40 hour week over 4 days so that I could go to uni one day and one evening a week, no social life let alone any money; for 6 long years - and I have ended up now with 4 degrees and all paid for by myself.

If you want an education, then go get it. My mother was far too poor to send me to a better school; even though I would have aced any entrance exam.

Maybe your mum was hoping that you'd win a scholarship and that would've may the fees more achievable.

She was hoping for a bursary, I presume.

You really need to let this go and stop blaming her for it-I would imagine she was trying to do the best for you!

Plenty of people achieve highly without going to private school, and I also know a couple of people who went to private school who have screwed their lives up monumentally!-life's what you make it.

Yabu to invest that much emotion in something so minor in the grand scheme of things, that you are still bitter and resentful two decades later. I am bitter still about plenty that happened in my childhood, on a very different scale, but regardless of the fact I have good reason to be, dwelling and investing a load of emotion in it isn't constructive in the long term for anyone.
Yanbu to think it was a shitty thing to do to a child. But in fairness, your mum may well have been trying for a scholarship, or misled about the age for assisted places that were available back then etc. Unless she was generally given to acts of spite, I can't see why she'd have done it just to upset you.

You sound depressed OP, have you seen your GP?

I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but I agree with PP that your mum was probably trying for a scholarship which didn't end up being offered for whatever reason.

...I doubt she was doing it all for a laugh.

And now so many people have given their opinion. The next step is to accept what happened and get open with the rest of your life. Why don't you have a job? What can you do about it? I wonder if you think you are better than most people and therefore don't want to start at the bottom? (Not really any evidence of this, just a feeling). Once you have a job it is easier to get another, possibly better one.

wow, talk about feeling sorry for yourself.if you were so bloody inteligent you would of got a job and built your way up from there.
your parents couldnt afford to send you to private school,get over it and stop trying to blame everything on your mother because of how your life is now,thats your fault your doing no one elses.
in a nutshell, grow fucking up

YABU. Take responsibility for your own perceived failings, and if you're not happy with your life, do something to change it. You're 25, FGS, not 80!