AIBU to be bitter about something that happened nearly 20 years ago when I was a child?

[StardustHunter]

In the spring of 1997, when I was 7 years old, I attended an entrance exam for a very prestigious private school. It was arranged by my mum. At the time, I was attending a poorly performing state primary school. Despite the passage of time, I vividly remember the details of that day. I remember marveling at the opulence of the private school and its surroundings. Compared to my school, which was a crumbling, decaying dump, the difference was like night and day. It almost resembled stepping into a parallel universe. I remember the playing fields with their immaculately cut grass, the smartness of the uniforms, and the palpable sense of prestige as I entered the school building. Though I was very young, it felt like a vitally important moment in my life. Despite being from one of the poorer areas of the UK (I actually feel ashamed telling people where I'm from), and being from a polar opposite background to most of the other kids who were there, I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. My school was a chaotic madhouse of disorder and indiscipline by comparison. I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted, and genuinely believed I would be returning there a few months later. That didn't happen. Those few hours I spent at that school, on that day, are the closest I have ever felt to being where I wanted to be in life. I have never came close to experiencing that feeling ever since.

This remains a cause of friction between me and my mum. After I repeatedly pressed her on why I didn't get accepted to that private school, she finally revealed that it was because she couldn't afford it. I am uncertain as to what the fees were at the time, but I believe they were several thousand pounds per year. Yet still she sent me to do the exam, knowing that she wouldn't be able to pay. To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway. To be honest, I'm surprised the school even allowed me to. They could probably have deduced by looking at my home address that I was probably from a poor family and my parents were unlikely to have the wealth needed to sustain a private education for me. Yet off she sent me, dangling the carrot and giving me false hope. I had my chance, did everything I was supposed to do to grab it, but it then transpired that I had no chance whatsoever from the start. Here I am now, 18 years later, languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come. I was sadly not able to overcome the constraints imposed on me by the upbringing I had - being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents. I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success. Also, I have two extended family members who went to private school as kids. They used to look down on me because they were all in private schools and I wasn't. I went NC with them a long time ago for that and other reasons. They're thriving now as adults, which further foments my bitterness about the whole situation. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

shovetheholly, as the Oxbridge scholarship-educated offspring of iliterate parents and the product of a school notorious for violent fights, truancy and pregnancies, I would be the very last to deny the ongoing impact of inequality on people's life choices.

I'm entirely aware of how much easier it would have been to attend a school with good teaching, motivated fellow-students and support and advice on university applications and careers, rather than trying to do it alone, with no advice and no idea what I was doing or what I was allowed to aim for, and with parents who actively tried to dissuade me from university for fear of 'getting above myself'. (Which is why I now do outreach work for my university.)

BUT it is no help to me to dwell on what might have been, and nor is it any help to the OP, who has turned her poor schooling (and her mother) into an alibi for what she perceives to be her subsequent failure. This is pointless. She doesn't have a time machine, and in fact doesn't even know whether she did well enough to pass the entrance exam. It is easier to blame her mother for dangling an education she couldn't afford under her nose than to face the fact that she didn't win the scholarship her mother may have hoped for.

It isn't of course in any way the OP's fault that she may not have dazzled in the exam, especially if she was previously poorly educated and up against equally bright, tutored children who did lengthy preparation for it.

But she will ruin the many years of life that remain to her if she continues - on the flimsiest of evidence - to believe that her mother was deliberately tormenting her by dangling an unaffordable education before her, and that a single day when she was seven has determined the course of the rest of her life.

OP, there's clearly much more to your relationship with your mother, but how can you possibly blame your parents for simply not having the money to send you to an expensive private school? Presumably their own poor education didn't fit them for highly-paid careers, so how is it their fault, any more than your lack of achievement is yours?

Are you saying that if you hadn't spent a couple of hours in the 'aura of prestige' aged seven, you'd have been happy to miss out on the 'finer things in life'?

potato - are you me?! My background is very similar.

Completely understand what you are saying. And I agree with you that bitterness over one incident is unhealthy.

However, anger at wider inequality is perhaps not so disproportionate or unhealthy. The private school thing, it seems to me, has become a peg on which the OP is hanging a much broader, deeper grievance at "being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents". I guess what I was trying to say back is that it is undoubtedly true that this will have held her back (and thank you for not denying that as so many others have done!) but that there is a route forwards that involves using this experience rather than ignoring it or overcoming it. (I don't like 'overcoming adversity' narratives- they are so complacent and self-satisfied and do not do justice to the complexity of the challenges/burdens that some people face).

Rather than turning bitterly inwards in a kind of solipsistic self-defeating way, I am suggesting that she could use her experience as the basis for further thinking, study and research into how inequality really works: turning it outward, making it collective, speaking out. Rather than ignoring it, setting it aside, or overcoming it, she could use it as a foundation for something quite creative and new. It is still a huge taboo to talk about class prejudice and barriers in society - this thread is proof of that.

I think she can! I believe in her (in her existence and her ability to do this). GO OP!

shovetheholly Rather than turning bitterly inwards in a kind of solipsistic self-defeating way, I am suggesting that she could use her experience as the basis for further thinking, study and research into how inequality really works: turning it outward, making it collective, speaking out. Rather than ignoring it, setting it aside, or overcoming it, she could use it as a foundation for something quite creative and new. It is still a huge taboo to talk about class prejudice and barriers in society - this thread is proof of that.

I actually think that could potentially be quite harmful for someone like the OP. She already is quite obsessed about her perceived lack of opportunity, and encouraging more obsession and inward thinking, rather than productive work to bring her out into the world of employment seems like an indulgent waste of time.

I'm not sure I really agree with that thinking either. Every society has barriers to some extent, and its probably more productive to accept that, learn what they are and to succeed (and then you can work on changing them).

I also think theres an awful lot of people who bang on about inequality and unfairness and use it as an excuse for their own lack of ability/hard work. The most left wing people I know are quite often the most useless employees, with the worst attendance records, the most hopeless at getting anything done and so on.

It seems very fashionable, on social media at least, in Britain to constantly complain about inequality, but rarely in a useful way. Every point is escalated to ever greater examples of perceived inequality. I do find it a bit pathetic in a country which has free extensive secondary education.

Holly you're not the only one on MN with an awareness of socioeconomics and the role of privilege. You can understand privilege and think that the op's thought patterns are unhealthy. A good therapist could help the op come to terms with her background and its effects.
Yes, privilege gives some people a head start and lack of it hobbles others. But you can understand that without using it as an excuse to sit on the floor and do nothing

m.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/550/three-miles

Your post made me think of this podcast I heard earlier this year, about seeing what you could've had.

I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged You experienced somewhere completely different to what you'd been used to, and your seven-year-old self decided that it was for you. That day and that glimpse of another type of life put the idea in your head that if you did your best work in the exam, you could have that life! Somehow you seem to have fixated on the disappointment that it didn't turn out how your 7-year-old self was sure it was going to. But you were 7. You didn't know the facts.

Now, as an adult you are still basing your thoughts about this on the feelings and thoughts you had as a 7-year-old child.

Maybe some help is needed to get over this very strong fixation you have. The fixation on this one day and your child's eye view of it, is not helping you in your adult life now.

It is not too late to change your life. In fact, perhaps being able to see this as an unhealthy fixation you need to let go of, will be the start of a better life.

If you really want the finer things etc. what steps can you take today to ensure you get them? Don't give up until you get the life you want.

Best of luck, I really hope you decide to help yourself become determined to overcome this and to make your life better even than you dreamed

holly Some of us grew up envying kids who had loving, but poor backgrounds. The reasons I got a shithole comp instead of the expensive private education older and younger siblings got was nothing to do with money, or my academic ability, there were far more cruel reasons, some of which I was gleefully informed of, others I've guessed since. However it comes way down on my list of things to resent about my childhood. And even dwelling on worse things wouldn't have enhanced my life as an adult.
Only people who haven't ever experienced real problems would be harking back to something so minor to hang their failures on. So forgive me if I don't join the pity party. Op needs to get a grip, or get therapy for whatever mh issue is causing her to make out her lack of private school is violin worthy. Either way realising she's not hard done to and moving on is the most constructive way forward.

My dm was raised in a poor area, left school at 15 and only in her thirties started to take Open uni courses and finally attended university and got her bachelor's degree when she was 42. She then went on to get her master's degree and worked for the government in a research role for twenty years before retiring. We (her family) are immensely proud of her achievements. The only thing stopping you from achieving something similar is your mindset frankly.

Wow @ some of the responses here - a little harsh. I guess people don't realise unless they've been there - and being poor and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps isn't the same as trying to do that but not managing to (yet - OP!).

The OP can see - and feel - full well, albeit through a personal lens, the huge inequality of opportunity and resources for children (and adults) in this country. And resents it - fine, it is crap, isn't it? Sticking the boot in berating her terrible attitude is hardly going to help, and seems most unfair! Let us not forget that there is a self-belief and confidence instilled into some children but not others.

I particularly noticed I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. To find a place where you feel you belong, then not be able to be part of it and instead keep feeling like a fish out of water, is really difficult. (The OP may not have fitted in so well if she'd actually gone to the school, as PP have mentioned, but she isn't in a position to know that or feel it in any way.)

I know what it's like to be so worn down with trying and feeling like you've failed, and then have people tell you if only you changed your attitude you'd be fine. I have mental health issues and used to get this a lot. Often, you just need someone to understand, empathise, and (importantly) remind you of the small victories and progress. FWIW I do think the OP sounds depressed, so this is even more important.

OP - It sounds like your DM hoped for a scholarship, especially if there were quite a few available then they suddenly got cut back. I know it's easy to say, but this really isn't her fault. I bet she was so proud of you for passing the exam, and so devastated she couldn't afford the fees and there was no scholarship. No wonder she is reluctant to talk about it. I often find myself thinking "if only... if only someone had noticed I was so unhappy, if only my upbringing was different, if only the NHS had helped me instead of making it worse..." and it is really hard, sort of like grieving, perhaps? So it is ok to feel sad that a particular route wasn't open to you, but important to look forward to where to go from here.

Has anyone mentioned the Open University yet? Look it up OP, I have a feeling it'd be right up your street. I'm starting myself in a couple of weeks...

Sorry, missed a load of posts there, laptop playing up...

Element - sadly, I don't think the OP has started trying to change her life, and her OP makes it sound as if she is entirely stuck in the past, in the bitterness over that one day and the ensuing disappointment.

I am sure you are right, and she is depressed, and I know how hard it is to pull away from the black dog - mine is still a big part of my life - but she does have to make the choice between the future and the past. As long as she remains locked in bitterness, she won't be able to start recovering.

She needs the serenity prayer -

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I know we have said tough things on this thread, but I honestly believe that the only way forward for the OP is to accept that she cannot change the past, to seek help (CNT/therapy/counselling) with the depression, and then to take some positive steps to improve her future.

I would like her to imagine herself 10 years hence, having tackled the depression and learned tools to help her cope with it, and having achieved some educational goals - and it would be all down to her own hard work - I would think that would be an amazing feeling, and I want her to have it. I believe she can have it, but first she needs to let go of the past.

CNT? I meant CBT - sorry.

It wasn't possible for me to go to a private primary school because there simply wasn't one in existence where I lived. In spite of such a terrible situation (!) I and all my 'deprived' friends did fine. I find the attitude in the UK that you can buy education utterly bizarre.

And yet here is my 22yo DD's life so far.

State Primary x3. We moved a lot with DH's job.
State Middle School - removed age 12 due to serious bullying. Home educated from the on.

No GCSEs. Talked her way into the local grammar to do A levels. Talked her way into an unconditional offer at the uni of her choice. On track to gain a First.

She's motivated, hard working, conscientious, and positive. She's had way more obstacles in her life than you, yet she's not indulging in a one man pity party, she's out there making the very most of what life throws at her.

There's your clue. Stop wallowing, and get on with your life. Nothing's going to be handed to you on a plate, and you have no right to assume that your life would be any different had you gone to this miracle school. ALL schools have their negative points.

Dwelling on the past is a wasted energy op. I was fed and clothed as a child but also horribly abused by my mother. I still have the physical scars on my face and mentally. I am lucky to be alive it was that bad. Daily beatings.She punched me that hard one time that I blacked out. I thought the only way out was to take my own life before she took mine at age 14. I spent the next three years in foster care.That women has done me wrong and the only thing that holds me back are the weekly flash backs and the nightmares . This is my PTSD, depression, anxiety and panic attacks, of which I am seeking help for through therapy. I've had a shit life, childhood and school life. Two abusive ex partners. Have been seriously sexually assaulted. But I sure as hell won't bu as to think that it will stop me from moving forward. In fact it only drives me to achieve and take responsibility for my own goals.You are 25 I have 20 years on you and I have just started to enroll onto a degree course. After doing a year access course. And Maths exam on top. As I refuse to be left on the scrap heap as you put it. It sounds as if your mum had your best interest at heart but realised that long term that committing to the fees may have been a big ask.
I'm a single parent who worked my arse off to send my ds to a private prep school. It was not easy.Was it his golden ticket? No it wasn't. It gave him confidence to grow and now he is at a comp school for senior. That means he has seen both sides of life.Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Prioritise your future. You are in charge of your destiny, no one else.

Obviously you're right OP. No-one else had a shit education or a Mother cruel enough put her child forward for an exam in the hopes of obtaining funding for her to attend a private school which didn't work out.

So what can you do? Either sit in a deep hole and continue your self pity party for the remainder of your life which would be beyond pathetic or get off your backside and find a job and live your life. I guess the choice is yours.

Is vair Zeebrugee, this thread

Was it Hogwarts, OP? Do say it was.

Lol at Hogwarts. Poor muggley op. The rest of us wizards have had such an easy ride in life.

Indeed, Myrtle. I too can see the shadow of the ferry passing over the thread ...

Pfft, Hogwarts on a scholarship, free owl too. Poor old squibby OP :(

Looks like the dementors got OP

Op should read this

www.quora.com/I-am-35-and-I-have-not-achieved-much-in-life-Is-it-too-late/answer/Grace-Cruz?srid=zibx&share=1