AIBU to be bitter about something that happened nearly 20 years ago when I was a child?

[StardustHunter]

In the spring of 1997, when I was 7 years old, I attended an entrance exam for a very prestigious private school. It was arranged by my mum. At the time, I was attending a poorly performing state primary school. Despite the passage of time, I vividly remember the details of that day. I remember marveling at the opulence of the private school and its surroundings. Compared to my school, which was a crumbling, decaying dump, the difference was like night and day. It almost resembled stepping into a parallel universe. I remember the playing fields with their immaculately cut grass, the smartness of the uniforms, and the palpable sense of prestige as I entered the school building. Though I was very young, it felt like a vitally important moment in my life. Despite being from one of the poorer areas of the UK (I actually feel ashamed telling people where I'm from), and being from a polar opposite background to most of the other kids who were there, I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. My school was a chaotic madhouse of disorder and indiscipline by comparison. I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted, and genuinely believed I would be returning there a few months later. That didn't happen. Those few hours I spent at that school, on that day, are the closest I have ever felt to being where I wanted to be in life. I have never came close to experiencing that feeling ever since.

This remains a cause of friction between me and my mum. After I repeatedly pressed her on why I didn't get accepted to that private school, she finally revealed that it was because she couldn't afford it. I am uncertain as to what the fees were at the time, but I believe they were several thousand pounds per year. Yet still she sent me to do the exam, knowing that she wouldn't be able to pay. To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway. To be honest, I'm surprised the school even allowed me to. They could probably have deduced by looking at my home address that I was probably from a poor family and my parents were unlikely to have the wealth needed to sustain a private education for me. Yet off she sent me, dangling the carrot and giving me false hope. I had my chance, did everything I was supposed to do to grab it, but it then transpired that I had no chance whatsoever from the start. Here I am now, 18 years later, languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come. I was sadly not able to overcome the constraints imposed on me by the upbringing I had - being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents. I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success. Also, I have two extended family members who went to private school as kids. They used to look down on me because they were all in private schools and I wasn't. I went NC with them a long time ago for that and other reasons. They're thriving now as adults, which further foments my bitterness about the whole situation. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

I agree with the others. She will have been hoping for a full scholarship for you, whether realistically or not. She tried to give you a chance at the school, but it didn't come off. At whom is your resentment directed - her, the school, the unfairness of life in general? You need to try to unpick it a bit I think.

op, sometimes even the most loving parent makes mistakes. I can imagine your mum was hoping you would get a bursary and was very upset for you when you didnt. If she knew this would eat away at you for 20 years she probably would never have taken you near the place.

But its really time to move on now and get some sort of job. Feeling entitled to a way of life isnt enough, if your mum couldnt hand you it on a plate you need to work and try to get some of it by yourself.

You are 25. Time to start growing up.

Nthing that she was hoping you had a chance of a bursary or scholarship. That was the first thing I thought of.

I was fortunate enough that my parents could afford to send me to such a school, but I nontheless sat the scholarship exams (as did many of my friends) because well, why not? I didn't get one but one of my good friends did.

I had another friend who was only able to attend the school because she won a scholarship. It made no difference to any of the rest of us, but I know that she often felt a bit disadvantaged because her parents could not afford things like a new uniform for her, or school camps, ski trips (non-UK school, we have ski fields in our own country) and all the other things our school had to offer. So it's entirely possible that you would have had another set of things that influenced your childhood if you had got in.

But anyway. YANBU to still have feelings about this. But YABU to see that as the pivotal point in your life. I strongly suspect you have misunderstood and you potentially had a chance to win a scholarship.

Some of my school friends have not really "done anything" (whatever that means) with their lives. A good school gives you tremendous advantages but it's not a golden ticket.

So you are only 25 but believe you are 'languishing on the scrapheap.....waiting for the end to come'?

We never had any money when I was growing up on my north London council estate. That's life. Stop blaming and simmering - it won't get you anywhere.

I agree with callin. At some point, you need to take ownership of your life and your destiny and let go of these past incidents instead of blowing them out of all proportion. Clearly you are given to melodrama ("languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come"), and have built this memory of the private school into something unrealistic. No school is perfect. You could have had a shit time there and been bullied, who knows? But I know plenty of people, myself included, who come from rough places and went to poor state schools and still did fine. Maybe you need to read more widely (e.g. biographies) to get a broader context and get rid of the chip on your shoulder. Let it go and get on with creating your own prospects. No one's saying it's easy, of course it's not, but it's better than languishing bitterly! YABU.

I'm not without sympathy here OP and I think if your mum had explained things to you and been honest things might have been different.

My DH comes from a very poor background. He was/is clever - really clever - and also Catholic which unfairly meant he went to a decent secondary school. But he had trauma along the way with bereavement and having to support himself independently literally the second he turned 18 - luckily he had support (financial and emotional) from a charity.

Here are the things that strike me: firstly that if you were 7 in 1997, you are young and I know you never feel young (I remember wailing and whinging when I turned 25 as I would be one of the older ones on X factor ) and secondly your written English is of a really high standard.

There are many hugely inspirational people who did nothing with their lives for years and turned it around.

I have no idea who you are but I do know you could be something amazing and that doesn't necessarily mean in terms of financial gain but you can get qualifications, you can move past this. Maybe you can give your children the education you dreamed of?

Look forward and not back. What do you think you might like to do?

You need to stop blaming this one day for how your life has turned out. We all have choices and currently you are choosing to blame everything from your mother to your home address for your perceived failure. Sorry to be harsh but how about addressing why you haven't done anything yourself to advance your situation?
Given your grasp of the English language, your education can't have been all that bad. My mother didn't even go to school - she was poorly home-educated and dyslexic, yet still managed to build up a number of very success businesses over her lifetime. Where there is a will to succeed there is always a way.

Sorry, but my first thought is 'don't be so pathetic'. I went to a shit school, had parents with no qualifications and who didn't have lots of money, yet I worked hard and went to a good uni and have a career in a good profession. If you had the capability to do well in the private school, you should have been able to do well in the poorer school.

You are still very young- put it behind you and move forward.
Many very successful people got in after school and a poor start.
Stop using it as an excuse and get off 'the scrap heap'.

OP, it is a sad story, and as someone who also finds it hard to let things go, I do have sympathy (certainly more than most people on this thread).

I don't know why your mum sent you to do the exam but I agree it's possible she hoped you'd win a scholarship. Or perhaps she just wanted to see how well you were capable of performing.

I don't know what you've been doing up till now but at 25 there are still opportunities for you. You can do an access course at an FE college and work your way through university. These things are not impossible - lots of people do them.

Well I'd disagree with that, Grand.

I had a terrible education - partly my own fault - but am articulate because I have always read a lot.

I do sort of understand the OPs point in a wider context though. I'm pretty sure DHs life would have been different if his parents hadn't been catholic for instance. As it was, the secondary school he attended was good and celebrated achievement but if he'd had to go to the other local school for non- RC kids I doubt he'd have even got to university (this is what he says not me.)

But I agree OP needs to look forwards and not back. Gains Marius was in his fifties before he achieved anything and he ended up being the First Man in Rome.

He also proscribed a load of Romans and put their heads up on display but OP doesn't have to do that.

I think you are coming across as quite rude and entitled. I doubt your mother is unintelligent, chances are she wanted more for you than she was able to provide and had hoped by sitting the entrance exam you would have been awarded a bursary. She would have been hoping for it just as much as you, and quite probably has guilt weighing upon her that she couldn't provide you with what you clearly wanted so greatly.
Grow up.
Take responsibility for yourself.
If you are not happy with your lot, stop sitting and navel gazing, get up and get on! There are a multitude of ways in which you can further yourself, better your situation. But yet, it's so much easier to sit and complain, blame your mother and feel sorry for yourself.
Get over it.

shame on you, you are using a few hours of a good experience as an excuse for your lack of success. If you had wanted you could have worked at school, gone to college after for more education if school did not work out, trained in some other career that did not need a good education, access courses etc etc. I left school with hardly any exams behind me, worked for a bit in dead end jobs got on an access course, got into Polytechnic and went from there to my £40,000 a year job. good enough for me.

If you were clever enough for private school then you would have had similar results at the local primary if you had applied yourself. As an adult, the choices were yours. Everyone can go to uni pretty much nowadays courtesy of student loans.

Stop blaming those few hours for not making the most of your life as an adult. Most of the population don't go to private school and many of those will be successful.

Life is what you make of it, stop expecting it to be handed to you on a plate.

OP in the nicest possible way I the you need to take responsibility for your own life and seek counselling as to why you're so stuck on something that happened when you were 7.

I went to a state school in a very deprived area - I was bright and my teachers told my parents to find a way to get me to private school, but financially it wasn't an option. I grew up surrounded by drugs, alcoholism and unemployment, teen pregnancies were common and most of my family was on benefits. My mum left school at the age of 13 and can barely read or write.

I worked bloody hard, went to a Russell group University and have had a variety of interesting jobs. I travel, and an studying for a PhD.

My parents have supported my decisions but in truth they don't understand them and have no concept of my life experiences. That's ok. They did what they thought was best. Just like your mum did.

At 25 you have many opportunities available to you. Think of what you want to do and work out a route to achieving that. Don't waste the rest of your life in bitterness

My mother missed her 'educational chance' in a very similar way. She then made the best of what she had. She would look pretty silly at her age blaming underachievement on something that happened over 80yrs ago!

"having uneducated, unintelligent parents."

this is horrible. And if you really believe it's true, and if you believe you are intelligent, why would you then blame her for any of this? She was clearly only trying her best for you in a system that she might not understand. Honestly, your point of view lacks so much insight and empathy that I have to wonder how intelligent you really are. Sounds like you're just making excuses.

Yabu. She was probably hoping you'd get a scholarship. You can't blame your 'poor' background on your current lack of achievement - it sounds more like an attitude problem. I went to a pretty poor secondary, my parents aren't educated but I have achieved.

I went to a posh school as a poor kid, it's no fun, I can tell you. twenty five is very young in the grand scheme of things, plenty of time to do something interesting with your life. decide what it is you want to do and crack on. good luck.

At least make it up with your poor mum, who only wanted the best for you!

I think you are using your mum as a scapegoat for your disappointment later in life. Fact is if you wanted to go to uni or progress in your career there are ways and means of doing it. Excuses don't cut it I'm afraid. Plenty of people start from humble beginnings and claw their way to the top. You've allowed obsticles to put you off and now you have the results of those choices.

FWIW I went to a really shit school and was told by the careers counsellor I should look at working in a factory because I wouldn't rise any higher. I took that as motivation and ended up in a high flying career with a degree and a masters. No fucker was going to limit me or tell me who I could be. My sibling was the same and had very little education to speak off on leaving school. They are now a multi millionaire! That's not a stealth boast it's a great big one because I'm proud of what we've done in life against the odds!

It's not too late though. What do you want to do? Start planning. Everyone can do something to improve their lot. Look at the stories on this thread!

Maybe look for a job in creative writing.

I went to an absolutely shite school in one of the most deprived areas of England. No history of going to uni in the family. In fact, I don't think any post 16 education before me. Family had very little money growing up. My school years were a bit grim, to be honest. I was a weedy small kid who was relentlessly bullied. I used to dream of being pulled out of school...

Anyway...

You seem to be hung up on the idea that a private school would have been a magic ticket to a better life and that all your failures are down to that one decision. But that's just not how it works. Private schooling for the 1% who effortlessly sail into fabulous jobs despite not being very bright (ahem, cough, half the government) ? That's basically down to family connections.

For the rest of us mere mortals, being smart is a good starting point but working your fucking arse off is, I would argue, the real differentiator. Being smart doesn't entitle you to a good job or an easy ride. Being smart is one tool in the box. The others are hard work and grit.

Real barriers to success would be serious disability, injury, terrible abuse in childhood etc. you and I are lucky - first world country, free schooling, healthcare...

I got good grades, worked hard, found a sixth form (my school didn't have one, expectations were low) then went to uni, worked a few jobs while I was there to pay for it... It took several years of extremely hard work, long hours and shittily paid jobs to finally end up in my thirties with a decent job and a nice life. It doesn't happen overnight, you've got to work for it.

You're blaming your mum for your lack of achievement - I honestly don't think that's either fair, or good for you. It takes all the agency off you and paints you as a victim.

Your life is in your hands. You can't change the past. You're only 27 - what do you want to do? How will you get there? Draw up a rough plan and do it ... Be prepared for failures and setbacks, just keep getting up when you get a knock back.

As someone much wiser than me said "failure isn't falling down, it's staying down."

Agree with other posters OP yabu.
I think if you should focus on what you can do now instead of what you missed out in back that.
Its never too late to get qualifications and retrain in a new career- what would you like to do in an ideal world?