AIBU to be bitter about something that happened nearly 20 years ago when I was a child?

[StardustHunter]

In the spring of 1997, when I was 7 years old, I attended an entrance exam for a very prestigious private school. It was arranged by my mum. At the time, I was attending a poorly performing state primary school. Despite the passage of time, I vividly remember the details of that day. I remember marveling at the opulence of the private school and its surroundings. Compared to my school, which was a crumbling, decaying dump, the difference was like night and day. It almost resembled stepping into a parallel universe. I remember the playing fields with their immaculately cut grass, the smartness of the uniforms, and the palpable sense of prestige as I entered the school building. Though I was very young, it felt like a vitally important moment in my life. Despite being from one of the poorer areas of the UK (I actually feel ashamed telling people where I'm from), and being from a polar opposite background to most of the other kids who were there, I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. My school was a chaotic madhouse of disorder and indiscipline by comparison. I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted, and genuinely believed I would be returning there a few months later. That didn't happen. Those few hours I spent at that school, on that day, are the closest I have ever felt to being where I wanted to be in life. I have never came close to experiencing that feeling ever since.

This remains a cause of friction between me and my mum. After I repeatedly pressed her on why I didn't get accepted to that private school, she finally revealed that it was because she couldn't afford it. I am uncertain as to what the fees were at the time, but I believe they were several thousand pounds per year. Yet still she sent me to do the exam, knowing that she wouldn't be able to pay. To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway. To be honest, I'm surprised the school even allowed me to. They could probably have deduced by looking at my home address that I was probably from a poor family and my parents were unlikely to have the wealth needed to sustain a private education for me. Yet off she sent me, dangling the carrot and giving me false hope. I had my chance, did everything I was supposed to do to grab it, but it then transpired that I had no chance whatsoever from the start. Here I am now, 18 years later, languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come. I was sadly not able to overcome the constraints imposed on me by the upbringing I had - being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents. I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success. Also, I have two extended family members who went to private school as kids. They used to look down on me because they were all in private schools and I wasn't. I went NC with them a long time ago for that and other reasons. They're thriving now as adults, which further foments my bitterness about the whole situation. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

YABU

As others have said, your Mum was probably trying to get a scholarship.

Prestigious private schools will only open a few doors, it's the individual themselves who have to make a life for themselves and become successful.

I know a lot of people who have come from terrible backgrounds but have now made a success of their life.

Wallowing in bitterness and sorrow won't get you anywhere. Hard work and perseverance will.

I feel sorry for your Mum. As parents all we want is the best for our children. My children haven't had the greatest start in life as my life has been shit too. We've suffered bereavements, gone through domestic violence, I've had a mental health breakdown and been very poor at times. Obviously I know all of this will have an impact on my children's lives.

I've managed to turn my life around now and have got a good job and am advancing rapidly in my career. I love my job and I'm enjoying life again and my children are feeling the benefit.

However even when times were tough, I still always did the best I could for my children.

I sincerely hope they never turn round and accuse me of destroying their future. I love them so much and have always tried to give them everything I can.

I wonder if you'd got the scholarship to this utopian school whether you'd have a chip on your shoulder about not being able to afford the holidays, clothes, ponies, push cars and other opportunities the other children would have had?

You really need to start taking some responsibility for your own life.

I went to a posh school as a poor kid, it's no fun, I can tell you

Yes-I wonder if the op would be on here posting something like that if she actually had got a scholarship?

Fact - parents make mistakes, I'm sure I make plenty.

I still remember the fact that when I was a teenager my DM discouraged me from spending my free time writing short stories and poems as it was a "waste of time" and directed me towards doing additional study and revision instead.

It does hurt sometimes, as I feel I could have done more with that skill and have tried to pick it up as an adult through creative writing classes, but there's always a little voice in the back of my head tells me that it's all a big waste of time and I should just focus on homework and my job instead.

However my DM did it with good intentions - security is the number one priority to her, therefore she was trying to ensure that I could always make a living.

I'm very sure that your DM didn't take you to do the exam to make your life harder, as others have said perhaps she was hoping that you would qualify for a scholarship of some sort.

Part of becoming a fully fledged adult is realising that your parents are just people like everyone else and they are flawed too, but you need to forgive them and move on.

Well you need to get off your backside, stop blaming others for your situation now and start making a life for yourself. Your comments about your mother are nasty and make you sound self-absorbed.

What do you want to do? Once you know the answer to that then you can think about how to set about achieving it.

Briefly and in the OPs defence - as I really must take PFB to school I suppose - if you lot think that going to shite schools is just fine as long as you work hard, seriously, think again!

I think OP needs, in the nicest possible way, to get over herself - but it's really very deluded to think that ChildA from Grime Street Comp will have the same opportunities as ChildB from PoshTowers College.

Yeah - you are BU

Here's a list of people that had it hard as a child.

1. Roman Abramovich is an Oil and aluminum tycoon who is worth $11.2 billion. Steel tycoon's parents both died by the time he was 4 years old. He was raised by relatives. After brief stretch in Soviet military, sold plastic ducts from his apartment. Participated in controversial Russian oil export deals before taking over oil outlet Sibneft in 1995. Flipped it to Russia’s Gazprom for $13 billion a decade later. Bought stake in steel giant Evraz. Soccer fan owns U.K.’s Chelsea club; also world's biggest yacht. Divorced twice, had his sixth child with his girlfriend in December.

1. John Paul DeJoria got $4 billion. Ever heard the name Paul Mitchell? Yes, he is the con-founder of this popular hair brand products. Once sold cards and newspapers to help support his single mother. She later sent him to foster care when she couldn't support him. Homeless for a time, living in his car and pushing hair care products door-to-door. With $700 cofounded own line of hair care products, John Paul Mitchell Systems, in 1980. Later pioneered high-end tequila market with Patron distillery. Launched ultra-posh Ultimat vodka line last year. Now frequents red carpet events, flashing peace sign for paparazzi.

1. Leonardo Del Vecchio is the founder of Luxottica eyeglasses and his net worth stands around $10.5 billion. One of five children, he was raised in an orphanage after widowed mother couldn't support him. Worked in a factory making molds for auto parts, eyeglass frames; severed part of his finger. At age 23 opened own molding shop, making eyeglass frames. Now his Luxottica is worlds largest maker of sunglasses and prescription eyewear sold under such brands as Ray-Ban, Oakley. Also operates more than 6,000 retail outlets through Sunglass Hut and LensCrafters shops.

1. Larry Ellison is the genius person behind the success of Oracle software company and his wealth is close to $28 billion. His single teenage mother who gave birth to Ellison in the Bronx sent him to live in Chicago with his aunt and uncle, who later adopted him. He dropped out of college reportedly after his adoptive mother died. Founded Oracle in 1977, now one of the world’s biggest software companies. Got $130 million pay package in 2009, making him second-highest-paid CEO in the U.S., according to our recent compensation survey. Sailing buff owns mega-yacht and won latest America's Cup.

1. Micky Jagtiani is the creator of Landmark retail empire and he got $2.8 billion in his bank. Failing accounting student dropped out of school to drive a taxi and clean hotel rooms in London. Moved to Bahrain shortly before his only brother died of leukemia. Diabetic father died within months, and mother died of cancer a year later. Family-less at 21, Jagtiani took over brother's retail space in Bahrain and spent his $6,000 inheritance on baby merchandise in 1973. Expanded single store into $2.5 billion (sales) diversified retail empire Landmark.

1. Steve Jobs, will probably be the most famous guy along with Bill Gates. Not because Steve Jobs is the richest person, although he is one of the richest person with his net worth about $5.5 billion, but because he is a co-founder of Apple. Just think iPod and iPhone. San Francisco native was adopted by a working-class couple and grew up in nearby Santa Clara, Calif. Dropped out of Reed College when he couldn't afford tuition but continued auditing classes. Jobs started Apple computer outlet in parents's garage in 1976. Fired after power struggle 1985. Started Pixar. Returned to Apple 1996. Health of revered chief executive has been scrutinized after he took leave of absence for a liver transplant. Back now, leading continued expansion in music and media through devices and software including iPod, iTunes and new iPad.

1. Li Ka-shing is the head of conglomerates Cheung Kong and Hutchison Whampoa and got $21 billion. Don’t ever assume all the Chinese people are poor. This guy is born to a China native's family who fled to Hong Kong in 1940. Had to quit school at age 15 after his father died of tuberculosis. Worked in a plastics factory to support his family. Li later made plastic flowers to be exported to the U.S. Today runs Cheung Kong and Hutchison Whampoa, massive conglomerates with interests in ports, oil and gas, electricity, retail, telecom and real estate. Generous donor has given out $1.45 billion to education, medical research.

1. Guy Lalibert is the founder of popular show Cirque du Soleil and is worth $2.5 billion. Acrobat showman started as a stilt-walking, fire-eating street performer. Founded Cirque du Soleil in 1984 with pavement exhibitionist pals. Hit it big when casino mogul Steve Wynn brought act to Las Vegas in 1991. Since then has expanded shows to include themed-versions featuring The Beatles and Elvis. Next up: Michael Jackson shows. Poker guru has won card tournaments; also recorded Web videos from space.

1. J.K. Rowling is the author of Harry Potter book and movie series. She currently has $1 billion but will grow her wealth as she keeps earning royalty fees. While writing wizardry single mother lived on welfare in Edinburgh, Scotland. Broke and depressed, author once told reporters she contemplated suicide. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was published in 1997 and quickly became a bestseller and the first of a seven-book series that captivated children and adults worldwide. First of films series released in 2001. First six of the magical movies grossed more than $5 billion.

10. Oprah Winfrey is the queen of daytime talk shows. When you are on Oprah show, you know you got something going on in your life – a success. She is worth $2.4 billion. She was born to single teenage mother, but raised by grandmother in a farmland. She has been a victim of child sexual abuse. After her TV talk show success, she started her on studio, O magazine, book club and what not. She is also ready to launch her new Oprah Winfrey Network cable channel.

Waiting for what end to come? If you have a terminal illness I am very sorry indeed to hear it. However, going to a better school would be unlikely to have made a difference to your life expectancy.

If, on the other hand, it's just a melodramatic turn of phrase, you're awfully young to be writing yourself off. Anyone remember the episode of Red Dwarf where the useless, bitter Rimmer meets his alter ego Ace Rimmer, hero and sex god? The punchline was that "our" Rimmer had passed his entrance exam and gone on to make not very much of it. The high achieving version had actually failed the exam and been inspired to work hard to make up for it. It's only a story but there's a moral in there somewhere...

Talking of stories I can't help feeling you're trying out a plot line, and why not? There's still a living to be made from writing!

If you really think that those few hours when you were 7 was the point when your chances in life stopped, then you are just a fool. Plenty of people from poor backgrounds have managed to do something with their lives, and plenty of people from privileged backgrounds have done nothing. Life is what we make of it. The fact that you are 'languishing on the scrapheap' is because you are too lazy to get off your arse and do something about changing your situation in life. There are plenty of courses you can do, or plenty of career paths to explore, but you're lazy. Plain and simple, that's what it comes down to. And whilst it may have been your cousins who looked down on you, it is you who is the snob, because at age 7 you had written off your peers and failed to find pleasure in the relationships that you could have had.

Time to grow up OP. Make changes. Or stay on your scrapheap, blaming everyone else for your failings in life.

Its not that OP might not have done better at the other school, its more about letting one incident when s/he was 7(!) affect her whole life, and blaming someone else

also - " I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it." You might not have actually got the questions right, first to finish doesnt mean top of the class...

It seems that you are giving much thought into how you ended up on the scrapheap as you call it, and have deduced that the first real point where there could have been a chance for it to be different was here, you are more than likely right...if the area you are from has deprived you of opportunities as it reads.
BUT this wasn't your parents fault, it sounds like they did all they could do for you. They aimed to get you into private school hence you taking the entrance exams, but people do tend to believe that if their child is bright and they don't have the money for private school fees, that their child will get a scholarship of some sort...the reality is there were probably 50 or more people all going for the same place, which was given to the most promising of candidates.

This was probably quite a knock to your mother also.

Have you considered that whilst it may have seemed lovely, if you'd have been a scholarship student, and in a different financial class you may have been bullied mercilessly? I know friends who live in better off areas- though the less grander part and growing up were constantly taken the piss out of because they lived near (not in) council houses.

Its done though, what did you do after school? Because many of us weren't even told to ever expect private schooling. But do go on to further education after school.

He he-I was thinking about Ace in Red Dwarf as well!

You sound bitter, entitled, self centred and nasty.
If you don't like your life change it, don't blame your poor mother for a decision taken in good faith when you were 7

Oh I agree (and definitely with the part about being first to finish!) and OP needs to move on and think about her future.

But it is not accurate to claim, as some have, that the only distinction between high achieving kids at private schools and low achieving kids at some state schools is that the latter somehow didn't work hard enough.

Poor teaching, class time given over to poor behaviour, low expectations (CCCCCCCCCCC) a culture where achieving anything is liable to have you get the shit kicked out of you, high staff turnover, high staff absence, bullying, to name but a few.

I taught in a shite school once. I know some of those children in a different setting would have thrived.

Some great examples there *LittleRedSparkle'. Steve Jobs died of cancer a few years ago, but he made a huge success of his life - you can't sit around thinking the world owes you a living.

Now that you've got it off your chest you need to let this go OP. At the age you are now the only person holding you back is you. You can put yourself in education if you want to. You can job hunt If you want work. Say start on the tills at asda and work your way up to management for eg if you want decent money but don't want to go back to school.

you are far too young for any scrap heap.

There's no saying that your life would have turned out as you imagine it would have if you got in. You need to let it go and make the best of what you've been given.

The responsibility for your life not turning out as you hoped lies with you not your parents. That was a couple of hours, 18 years ago. What course your life took after that was down to you. You sound terribly bitter.

you call your parents 'uneducated and unintelligent' and blame them 18 years on
how do you know you passed the entrance exam? - did a letter arrive saying you had?
maybe you did pass but not enough for an 'assisted place'
we all have setbacks in life but don't continually dwell on them decades later.
good on your parents for trying to get the best for you
if you are so intelligent that you did pass the exam there is a lot you can do with the rest of your life

If you had done that well in the exam, you would have got either a partial or even a full scholarship. I'm sorry, but self-pity radiates from your post in a really unpleasant way.

I can understand why some people are haunted by difficult childhoods and are unable to let past trauma go. But your situation is totally different. You should be taking full responsibility for your life and not laying the blame for your difficulties at your mum's door twenty years on.

I'm sorry OP but I think you have overthought this to the point of turning it into a mini novella. Yes it is a shame that you didn't get to go but how do you really know that going to this idealised school would have made your life so different to the one you have now? You get out of life what you put into it. Maybe you should invest more energy into your current life situation than fantasise about what could have been, it doesn't seem to be doing you much good, does it?

Your poor Mum, for god's sake let it go. I have no idea if you are a parent but parents are not perfect and as others have said, perhaps your Mum was hoping for a bursary.

FWIW 'my story' is worse than yours. All my siblings went to private school. I didn't and I left school at 15. And I don't hold the resentment that you do. You are indulging yourself with that post and hanging every single thing in your life onto that. Was your Mum's parenting really that bad that you can punish her for this one non event?

All my DCs cousins went to private school, my DCs were the only ones to go to a state school and have now done really well and are in good careers - life is what you make of it. Let go for the sake of your sanity. And while you're at it, give your Mum a break. And read rafflesway post more than once.

If that's the worst thing that happened to you as a child I think you've been blessed!

I think some people have been a bit harsh.

Yes, the school you went to, the people you mixed with and the aspirations that your parents had for you, will have had an effect on you. Of course it has. Lots of bright kids don't succeed because they have "got in with the wrong crowd" etc.

I think she probably had good intentions sending you to that exam, but at the end of the day couldn't afford what was offered. Now think really hard. After that did your mum never encourage you to do your homework and work hard at school? Or did she just give up because of your attitude? I bet there was encouragement, in the early days at least.

Anyway what people have said above still applies. Now is the time to put your past behind you. What's happened, happened. You've realised that it would have been sensible to have worked harder at school BUT IT"S NOT TOO LATE.

Find out how to begin educating yourself now. It may seem daunting, but you can do it. Get a job, part time if you are really studying hard. If you can't get a job because you've no experience, get some by volunteering. Ok you won't be paid, but it's an investment into a future job.

You can let the bitterness about the past drag down your future or you can use it to drive your future. It's your choice.

Perhaps counselling might be a good idea too, to help you overcome the negative feelings abour yourself and your life.

Good luck. I'm sure you can do it. It will take hardwork and effort to turn your life around. Don't give up. Perserverence, tenacity and determination are behind every successful person. Some just have to work harder to overcome more obstacles.

I agree with the majority of posters above about your attitude. Also I found it interesting you say you finished so fast. That's not always a good sign in an exam. Do you actually know if you passed?