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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be bitter about something that happened nearly 20 years ago when I was a child?

253 replies

StardustHunter · 21/09/2015 07:35

In the spring of 1997, when I was 7 years old, I attended an entrance exam for a very prestigious private school. It was arranged by my mum. At the time, I was attending a poorly performing state primary school. Despite the passage of time, I vividly remember the details of that day. I remember marveling at the opulence of the private school and its surroundings. Compared to my school, which was a crumbling, decaying dump, the difference was like night and day. It almost resembled stepping into a parallel universe. I remember the playing fields with their immaculately cut grass, the smartness of the uniforms, and the palpable sense of prestige as I entered the school building. Though I was very young, it felt like a vitally important moment in my life. Despite being from one of the poorer areas of the UK (I actually feel ashamed telling people where I'm from), and being from a polar opposite background to most of the other kids who were there, I remember thinking to myself that this was where I belonged. I was awestruck by how well behaved the other kids were and how polite everyone was. My school was a chaotic madhouse of disorder and indiscipline by comparison. I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted, and genuinely believed I would be returning there a few months later. That didn't happen. Those few hours I spent at that school, on that day, are the closest I have ever felt to being where I wanted to be in life. I have never came close to experiencing that feeling ever since.

This remains a cause of friction between me and my mum. After I repeatedly pressed her on why I didn't get accepted to that private school, she finally revealed that it was because she couldn't afford it. I am uncertain as to what the fees were at the time, but I believe they were several thousand pounds per year. Yet still she sent me to do the exam, knowing that she wouldn't be able to pay. To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway. To be honest, I'm surprised the school even allowed me to. They could probably have deduced by looking at my home address that I was probably from a poor family and my parents were unlikely to have the wealth needed to sustain a private education for me. Yet off she sent me, dangling the carrot and giving me false hope. I had my chance, did everything I was supposed to do to grab it, but it then transpired that I had no chance whatsoever from the start. Here I am now, 18 years later, languishing on the scrapheap with no job, money or prospects, waiting for the end to come. I was sadly not able to overcome the constraints imposed on me by the upbringing I had - being from a poor area, having a poor family, going to an appallingly bad school and having uneducated, unintelligent parents. I feel that getting into that private school was my only plausible route to success. Also, I have two extended family members who went to private school as kids. They used to look down on me because they were all in private schools and I wasn't. I went NC with them a long time ago for that and other reasons. They're thriving now as adults, which further foments my bitterness about the whole situation. I've been wanting to get this off my chest for a while.

OP posts:
LittleRedSparkle · 21/09/2015 08:48

Thanks Wowfudge

Dolly Parton sums it up nicely

“Get down off the cross, honey. Somebody needs the wood.”
Straight Talk (1992)

In other words, stop blaming this thing on your mum, which might not be her fault. Get off your arse and go and work - I worked in dead end jobs til i was about 25 ish, now i work in a well paid job in a great industry, where i get fantastic perks!!

A good life isnt something that happens while you sit back and wait for it for most of us (including you here)

YOU didnt do well enough on the exam - although you will probably blame your mum for that as well because she didnt get you a tutor

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/09/2015 08:49

As has already been said, your mum will have been hoping that you would be offered a scholarship, and when you weren't, she was unable to pay for you to go. You couldn't have got the scholarship without taking the entrance exam, so you had to do that - and I expect she thought there wasn't much point in telling you that you might not be able to go, in case it messed up your chances.

So your mum did the best she could for you at the time, and you've resented her for that all this time? That's a bit poor, tbh.

I do agree that you need some counselling to accept your life, or do what you can to change it. Going to private school isn't the be all and end all of achievement, it doesn't somehow miraculously turn you into a success, although granted the percentages are higher - your success is down to YOU.

clam · 21/09/2015 08:50

AUBU to still be bitter after 20 years? Frankly, yes.

It sounds as if it's your attitude that has cramped your potential, so stop blaming your mother, who at least explored avenues to improve your lot in life. But who knows, you might have hated that school, and always felt like "the poor kid" and developed resentment that way instead.

Roussette · 21/09/2015 08:52

The OP is so self indulgently whingy - your life doesn't stop at 25. You are young, you are intelligent - just look forward, not back. I agree on some counselling.

I failed at state school - my siblings soared at private school, but I am proud of the fact that what I did, I did on my own. I left home at 17 and slowly but surely climbed up the ladder. It can be done if you stop this self indulgence now. Is it that you just want it handed to you on a plate? It doesn't work like that.

Brioche201 · 21/09/2015 08:54

I remember sailing through the entrance exam and being one of the first in the classroom to complete it. As I left and returned home with my parents, I was hopeful and confident that I would be accepted,

But that is just your perception of how well you did! Sometimes children who find an exam extremely easy have misunderstood the question!
I think it is likely you didn't do as well as you thought and so didn't get the kind of bursary your mother was hoping for.She maybe phrases it as 'couldn't afford it' rather than didn't win scholarship, to protect your obviously fragile ego.
PS DH went to one of the roughest comps in Glasgow and got into vet school.

LittleRedSparkle · 21/09/2015 08:56

Ok, I am not stalking you, but I thought i would see what else you have posted

You had another thread where you say you are "diagnosed with ASD"

This makes a HUGE difference to this thread, most of us (i imagine) think you sound like a petulant child, but knowing about your ASD, well that takes us to a whole new place.

Yes - you do need to get over this and take responsibility for YOU! and YOU are the only one that can do this, have you had counselling, as you seem 'locked-in' on this one event ruining your life?

(my DS has aspergers and the things he locks in on are, to me, completely pointless, but he will bring it up days, weeks, months later and keep focusing on it)

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 21/09/2015 08:56

Get a grip.

You sound like the kind of person that wants everything handed to them on a plate.

Maybe you failed the exam because you rushed it and your mum didn't want to knock your confidence by telling you the truth.

Certainly I'd imagine if you are as intelligent as you like to think you are you'd have done something more with your life than languishing on the scrapheap - there's only one person to blame for that - you.

coffeeisnectar · 21/09/2015 08:57

Yabu.

My childhood has left me scarred mentally but it was something way worse than going to a state comp. Your attitude is your problem and you can make of life what you will, regardless of where you come from and what you start with. If you failed at school that's down to you.

mrstweefromtweesville · 21/09/2015 08:58

OP, I haven't read the thread yet because I don't want my response to your post to be influenced by other people's comments.

I can identify with your post in many ways but you have made me very angry!

First, I, too, took an entrance exam for independent school. I was ten, just, because my mother (who left school at fourteen) thought that as a 'genius' I should pass entrance a year early. My very ordinary church primary prepped me by going through all the maths work, but no-one thought I'd have any problem with the English. When I got there, the topic for creative writing was 'Paris in the Spring.' For a northern, working class girl in the 1960s. Had never been to France, very little knowledge of Paris, no idea how to approach that kind of writing... I gave it a go but I failed. I didn't get a place and my mother never again claimed I was a 'genius' (Mensa tested IQ 156 - its respectable, even so). Saw much duller girls go off to the independent a year later, while I went to the local sink-school, five minutes from home, surrounded by hills and trees but nothing on offer in the way of education. I used to turn off my brain as I went through the school gates in the morning. I didn't waste my life blaming other people, though.

So, some years later, finding myself unexpectedly the single mother of a four year old, with an income of £200 a month (not much, even in 1986) I organised myself to go to university with the few qualifications I had (because the grant would double my income), got my degree and eventually did teacher training and got a (fairly well-paid) job. It wasn't easy. When I put it into a novel you can read all about it, its too long for here. But I wasn't sitting on my arse being sorry for myself. And I did all this whilst having undiagnosed mental health issues, being depressed and suicidal and although I didn't know it at the time, coping with my lifelong disability (HFA/Aspergers) which is prevalent in my family.

Teaching, in two of the most deprived areas in the UK, for 21 years, I met a lot of young people from those deprived areas, whose families had no education and did not value their children's schooling. Most of them were like you, happy to moan about the school and blame everyone else that they weren't rich and comfortably-placed in life. Some, however, were hard-working, determined, wonderful individuals who knew that school, even in our deprived area, was a great opportunity and therefore took advantage of it. I recall one girl from a tutor group of mine - she left school with a CV that looked like she'd been to a top independent school. She'd been on every trip, applied for and achieved internships, passed her exams, proved her extra-curricular commitment - and she was only one of many. She wasn't moaning about who she was and where she came from - she was getting on with being the best she could be.

My child's education? She went into independent at 11. I worked my balls off at a job I hated, that hurt me every day, to make sure I could pay what I had to. She worked her little socks of being the best student she could and taking advantage of extra-curricular activities etc. She's still friends with some of her teachers and she's 33 now. All those years of effort and having the right attitude did not come to nothing - she has the nice, middle-class life that she wanted.

Now to you. You write well. So well that I find myself wondering if in fact you have had a university education that you haven't bothered to mention here. Taking your OP at face-value, believing every word, here is my advice.

Get off your backside.
Get yourself into university - you can be ready for next September if you start now.
Get on with your fucking life.

Excuse me. I've been immobile with depression for years. Suddenly, I feel as if I can do something about it. I'm off now to get on with my fucking life, too.

Itsmine · 21/09/2015 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 21/09/2015 09:03

Okay, if LittleReds research is right and you have been diagnosed with ASD, then you can rest assured that the private school most likely wasn't the right place for you anyway. I know some private schools are well set-up for SEN now, but many aren't and that was much more the case 10+ years ago. So you can lay this matter to bed right there, and focus on getting the help you need now to move forward.

Blackcloudsbrightsky · 21/09/2015 09:04

I'll repeat an earlier point - OP has ASD.

Roussette · 21/09/2015 09:08

But isn't it easier to blame a mother for everything that happens?

My grown up DD sometimes is mildly critical about things to do with her upbringing. Nothing major - the last whinge was - why didn't we discuss politics more over dinner together? (she is a political activist and very bolshy and I prefer peaceful family meals!). The previous whinge was why didn't we have a dog!? I always say to her, we aren't perfect but we are good as a family at lots of things not on your list! She then puts it into perspective. I just feel sorry for your Mum who was probably trying her best for you because you have lost all perspective.

BoreOfWhabylon · 21/09/2015 09:09

Agree with SoupDragon (and others) that OP should turn his/her hand to creative writing.

Some really inspiring stories here.

ShadowLine · 21/09/2015 09:10

OP, you need to let this go. Plenty of PP have already pointed out very good, well meaning, possible reasons for your mum sending you to do this exam.

So it didn't work out the way you and your parents would have hoped. You're still only 25. This is still young, and you have time to turn things around and work towards a better life.

You need to stop dwelling on this disappointment. It's done and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. Holding onto the hurt and bitterness and disappointment is only going to make you feel rubbish and make it harder for you to move forwards to achieving better things with your.life.

Start thinking about what you want from life. What kind of things do you want to learn? What kind of job do you want? When you've figured that out, start thinking of ways to achieve that. Further Education colleges, Open University, jobs where you can take days out to attend university / college courses part time. It's not necessarily going to be simple or easy to figure it all out and get there, but it's certainly not impossible.

Racundra · 21/09/2015 09:18

Well, if nothing else you have a good vocabulary; not many people know or use 'forment'.

My childhood was similar in many ways. At 7 I won a full scholarship to what was at the time the best girls' school in the country. My mother decided not to send me because of the travel (she was pg at the time).
I feel very bitter about that missed opportunity, though I still went to a RG university to read an academic subject.
You have to make your own opportunities though. My parents took no interest whatsoever in my education, it was all down to me. To be honest, most of my upbringing was, thanks to the many subsequent siblings.
One thing about living in Britain though, we have the opportunity to be masters/mistresses of our own destinies.

PotatoGun · 21/09/2015 09:19

OP, I do sympathise to an extent. I was a clever child, eligible to go to a wonderful local free school, but my timid, largely-illiterate parents refused to let me, 'in case you get above yourself', and sent me to the rough, failing parish secondary, because they perceived the good school to be 'posh'.

I spent my entire secondary school years being ignored by harassed, demoralised staff whose energy was spent on trying to stop fights. I was horrifically bullied. I did my own university applications - my parents tried to persuade me not to - applied for an entrance scholarship to the local university, got it, went on to an MA and Oxbridge graduate degrees, all on scholarship.

Yes, I wish my parents had understood, not had such a automatically browbeaten 'not for the likes of us' attitude to education, but they had and have major literacy problems due to very deprived backgrounds, and they still don't understand that they could have given me (and my younger siblings) a much easier start - for free, if they had overcome their own prejudices and fears.

But they are creatures of their own impoverished, cramped upbringings. It wasn't their fault.

You're still young. Stop blaming your mother - have you talked to her about it? Do you know for sure that you were accepted by the school? - and start thinking about how you can work towards what you want. Bitterness isn't useful. Anger, directed the right way, can be.

CatEyeFlick · 21/09/2015 09:21

yabu

your poor mum. as others have said I bet she took you in the hope of you getting a scholarship

sorry you didn't get in but while that school may have opened some doors for you, really, that is not the sole reason why you are not where you want to be in life :/

TowelsOfTheUnexpected · 21/09/2015 09:22

I took the 11+ and passed to go to the grammar school. I was not allowed to go because a) it was too far away (my parents knew where the school was before I took the exam) and b) it would have been rubbing my older siblings nose in it that they didn't pass - not fair on them, I was told.

I was more than angry over it and decided not to work at school as "that would show them" so wasted the whole of the first year (now Y7) doing as little as possible. Then I had a chat with my Guide Leader, who could see I was miserable as sin and wanted to help. The whole sorry story came out, I sobbed my little heart out and she gently pointed out that the only person who I was punishing was me. I began to work, stayed in the top stream at school and left with 8 O Levels, went to college and got 3 A levels and then to uni. I'm now working in my chosen field, happy as larry.

You can look back and blame other people as much as you like but it makes you a bitter person - you are the master of your own destiny now as you're an adult. Don't become one of the "not my fault" brigade.

Spartans · 21/09/2015 09:25

I think it's quite obvious why she did it. She wanted it for you and hoped it would get funded. Does your mum resent you for not doing well enought in the exam?

Yabu to say this is the reason your life is a failure. You are not a small child anymore. Take responsibilty for yourself. If you need better qualifications, go do them.

Yabu and cruel, to do this to your mum who at least tried to get you in

clam · 21/09/2015 09:26

If I was writing a book, I think I would somehow work two scenarios, one where the main character's life is ruined by not having gone to a private school, and a converse setup whereby it's ruined because she did go, the common factor being a depressive personality. Probably a hackneyed theme, but hey.

I'm speaking hypothetically, of course.

tectonicplates · 21/09/2015 09:30

I think people are being rather harsh, OP. You grew up in (what you perceived to be) a poor area, was given a glimmer of hope, and then had it snatched away from you only a short while later. That must've been incredibly frustrating.

But at the same time, you are being harsh towards your mum. You wrote "To this day, I do not know why she made me do it anyway." Haven't you ever sat down with her and calmly asked her why? I agree with everyone else who's said she was probably hoping you'd be offered a scholarship. Maybe she was hoping a family member would pay for it. Maybe she even had a glimmer of hope that she would suddenly be offered a job that would enable her to pay the fees. Maybe there's some other reason that nobody else has thought of. But I really think that having a chat with her, in a non-accusational way, would help to bring about some closure.

Also, it does NOT mean your life is over. Please start looking into opportunities, either work or education. Many universities offer financial assistance, and most will greatly reduce their entry requirements for mature students with life experience. There are also many colleges that run university access courses. Or there must be some kind of training opportunities for things that take your interest. Please, don't give up on life. There are things out there for you.

LittleRedSparkle · 21/09/2015 09:30

Anniegetyourgun mentioned it here

reddwarf.wikia.com/wiki/Ace_Rimmer

His life was the same as the prime version of Rimmer until one year in his school, Io House, where after becoming the worst student in class he was held back a year in school. Since his mother failed to ensure him a way out of his own failures, Ace learnt to toughen up and takes responsibility for his own life, mainly because he was a clear foot taller than anyone else in the class. He became popular amongst his peers who gave him his nickname and his parents began to show him love.

LittleRedSparkle · 21/09/2015 09:31

Ace, a test pilot in the Space Corps based on Mimas, Ace was given the ship Wildfire and with it the opportunity to test a ship capable of jumping between dimensions.

The first dimension he arrived in, he found the most hideous version of himself that he would ever find - being the piece of human wreckage: Arnold Rimmer. After causing their Starbug to crash, as it was on the way to an ocean planet, he helped Dave Lister (whom he nicknamed 'Skipper') fix the engines and return to their Red Dwarf - despite having a broken arm. While Rimmer was blatent in his dislike of Ace, the test pilot was civil with him and only voiced his dislike when with Lister. He discovered reason that his life differed from this dimension's Rimmer's was simply because he was held back a year at school, which he found ironic because Rimmer continually said that Ace got all the breaks in life when in fact it was 'not' getting a break to begin with that made him as successful as he is, though he does mention that maybe not getting that break to start with was him getting one after all. he decided that he couldn't stay - so left for other dimensions. (RD: Dimension Jump)

tectonicplates · 21/09/2015 09:33

I just wanted to add that I did a degree in my 30s. The oldest person in my year group was 55.