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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just let my daughter go into hospital?

128 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:32

My 13 year old was diagnosed 2 months ago with anorexia. Since then she has gotten so much worse and life is now unrecognisable.

Current medical research now shows care at home has better results than hospital treatment. Supervised meals, continual care. And I have tried. Each meal takes at least at hour, if she will eat it. Then half hour to watch her after.

She's violent and aggressive with me and my other DC. They never get a moment of my time. Last night she finally calmed down and went to bed at 11.45.

She's tried to climb out of windows, threatens suicide, has punched me and tried to stab her dad. She is too ill for school so I have given up work, we can't go anywhere. I was trying to build my own business which was finally going somewhere.

She has refused her snack this morning and went to punch me when I tried to persuade her, calling me all kinds of names. I'm terrified because if she loses more weight she will definitely have to go into hospital, which would be awful for her.

I love her so very much, but I love my other DC too. Who are trying to be so brave. We have medical help and therapy, but she just gets worse every day and I'm so tired. I have to check on her at night and my youngest keeps waking scared that her sister might die. I just need a break, just a few days where I can sleep and eat and just talk to people rather than trying to cope.

It makes me a shit mum I know but I just don't know if it would be best to just let her go into hospital. If you could all tell me what a terrible thing that would be it might make me pull my socks up a bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:33

Sorry that's so long!

OP posts:

softhedgehog · 18/09/2015 11:33

Might well be best but I wouldn't rely on the NHS for an admission unless she is dangerously thin. Sad but true - I'm an NHS GP - eating disorders services are shockingly underfunded. Our has an 18 week wait to be seen.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:34

She could be taken in right away. We had a battle to keep her home a few weeks ago and she has lost weight since then.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:35

That was privately but they said the same at her CAMHS assessment.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 18/09/2015 11:35

I don't think seeking the best support for your child makes you a shit mum. Anything but.

I have no practical advice, I am sure someone who knows more will be along soon, but good luck to you all.

Dawndonnaagain · 18/09/2015 11:36

You need to talk to her therapy team, and yes, get her in, you all need a break. It doesn't mean you love her any the less, but if you go under, then the whole household does and you need time for you and your other dcs.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:37

I just don't get how people cope with this at home. I have been told to sit with her for three hours at dinner time if that's what it takes. So I do. And I have a little DC who cries because I can't read her a bedtime story or cuddle her before bed.

OP posts:

Londonista123 · 18/09/2015 11:38

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds terrible

I haven't experienced anything like this myself, so I'm not sure if this is an appropriate idea, but could your daughter spend a short time in hospital so you can have a bit of respite? Realistically, what effect of such a stay have on her? Is it feasible / likely to help her / likely to offer adequate feeding and supervision?

HerrenaHarridan · 18/09/2015 11:39

You need to do something to break the pattern of behave, she may well respond differently to the staff at hospital and if not they are trained to deal with that.

Get some respite, treat yourself and your other kids, let them know they still matter abs give them a chance to talk honestly about how they are doing

nephrofox · 18/09/2015 11:40

I think you all need some respite and hospital could well be the best place for her. Your other dc need you to put them first for a few weeks, see how she does as an inpatient

PoppyFleur · 18/09/2015 11:41

I have no credible advice but I just wanted to give you a very un-mumsnet hug. You are so far away from being a terrible mother, it is clear from your OP that you love your daughter immensely. What an awful situation for you, your daughter and the whole family.

I hope someone comes along soon with knowledge and advice.

RebootYourEngine · 18/09/2015 11:41

I think a stay in hospital might do you all some good.

You sound like a loving, caring mum who is physically and emotionally tired. Its ok to admitvthat you need a little help and to take the help thats on offer.

nephrofox · 18/09/2015 11:42

Think about it this way - she's lost more weight in the last few weeks at home. You can't possibly do any more, therefore it's time for a change. Just because the stats show the average patient does better at home it does not mean your DD as an individual will

Threesoundslikealot · 18/09/2015 11:43

You know, the research that says home care is better is based on the population. For your child it might not be true. Not all anorexics are violent and threatening. None of the others are your daughter.

Not anorexia, but we had a 13 year old with mental health issues, who took 24 hour care and was violent towards us, her siblings, and the home carers we had. We were hollow shells of human beings looking after her. Eventually it was unsustainable and her condition was severe enough for her to be hospitalised in a secure psych unit for children. Seeing the professionals struggle to deal with her behaviour made us realise that trying to keep her at home had been doing none of us any favours. None of the staff blamed us for asking to have her hospitalised.
It sounds to me like you all need a break, and it's time to try a new approach with her.

Muckogy · 18/09/2015 11:44

YANBU.
she needs hospital. they will be better equipped to care for her there.
i understand she is very ill but she will pull the rest of the family down with her so its in your other children's interests that she is removed from the household indefinitely.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:45

I think it's made harder by the fact her dad doesn't live her anymore. In fact we are going through a divorce now (just to add to the stress!). He is helping a lot but if he sits with her for a few hours her behaviour is worse for the next day or so.

OP posts:

Thelushinthepub · 18/09/2015 11:46

Oh god you poor poor things. I would def want her to be admitted, it sounds like it's going to be best for all of you x

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:47

It just feels so awful to say she has to go away from us. And sometimes my daughter is back for a few hours and I realise how much I miss her. She was the happiest, sweetest kid. I didn't even know that she knew the words she calls me :(

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paulapompom · 18/09/2015 11:47

OP I don't have experience in this area, but it sounds like you are reaching the stage where admission is inevitable. It sounds as though she is seriously Ill and needs medical intervention. You sound as though you feel you are letting her down, but you have done your absolute best at home, I don't see how you could do more. You could reach a stage where you are unable to care for dd, yourself or other dcs.

Also if dd is not admitted voluntarily she could be made to be an in-patient for her own safety.

My thoughts are with you all x

starlight2007 · 18/09/2015 11:58

I also would like to add no experience..

However..All families are different. The stats are based on a generalization.All Families are different.

You are not sending her away..You are sending her for specialist help as the current approach isn't working.

RachelZoe · 18/09/2015 11:58

If I'm reading right this is a private clinic you're referring to. If so, and she can be taken immediately, let her go. My niece went to a wonderful private rehab place at a similar age (they were living in Australia at the time so I don't know about private care over here) and she is back on track now, taking her A-levels next summer and is holding onto her recovery, it's been a long road to wellness but she is a happy and healthy young woman now. She was in for 28 days and then had her treatment as an outpatient if I recall correctly.
It doesn't make you a shit mum at all, my brother and his wife are wonderful parents and it happened to their DD, it can happen to anyone, part of being a good parent is knowing when you're out of your depth and recognizing that your child needs professional help, you're doing exactly that and it's great.

Even if an NHS place can take her immediately, do it, she isn't well and she will get the care she needs, it will be good for all of you. Even if it's a short term thing, sometimes getting out of the immediate situation can help everyone calm down a bit and put together a proper recovery plan. You can get through this OP, you sound like you're doing a great job.

I hope she improves soon, don't give up hope

HeteronormativeHaybales · 18/09/2015 11:59

YANBU.
My first thought was that, despite what studies say, you taking on the role of (for want of a better word) carer/nurse may not be the best for her, or for your relationship. She will be resisting eating; you insisting on it might be making you the enemy in her mind. In addition to this, atm she is controlling the lives and routines of your entire family and having a severe impact on her siblings; I do think her needs are probably better met in hospital right now. Anorexia is a terrifyingly powerful disease and there are others better equipped to challenge it with her.
I'm so sorry you are all going through this.

RachelZoe · 18/09/2015 12:00

Yes, as starlight2007 says, you aren't sending her away, you're getting her the help she needs, don't forget that.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 12:01

Aren't you lot supposed to be a nest of vipers?!! I was hoping for more of a flaming

(I've tried a forum for parents in my situation and felt like I wasn't trying hard enough at this because my child had never tried to strangle me.... It's a strange new world I inhabit these days.)

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ImperialBlether · 18/09/2015 12:04

I think hospital would be the best thing now. If she was showing signs of recovery at home then that would be different but she's clearly not and is actually losing weight. She sounds so angry - is that associated with anorexia? I've only known two anorexics and neither of them were like that.

I wonder, too, why she's worse after your husband's spent time with her. What was her relationship like with him before he left?

It must be incredibly stressful. I hope you all get some rest and get back to a normal life while she's in hospital and I hope she recovers very quickly.

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