To just let my daughter go into hospital?

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

My 13 year old was diagnosed 2 months ago with anorexia. Since then she has gotten so much worse and life is now unrecognisable.

Current medical research now shows care at home has better results than hospital treatment. Supervised meals, continual care. And I have tried. Each meal takes at least at hour, if she will eat it. Then half hour to watch her after.

She's violent and aggressive with me and my other DC. They never get a moment of my time. Last night she finally calmed down and went to bed at 11.45.

She's tried to climb out of windows, threatens suicide, has punched me and tried to stab her dad. She is too ill for school so I have given up work, we can't go anywhere. I was trying to build my own business which was finally going somewhere.

She has refused her snack this morning and went to punch me when I tried to persuade her, calling me all kinds of names. I'm terrified because if she loses more weight she will definitely have to go into hospital, which would be awful for her.

I love her so very much, but I love my other DC too. Who are trying to be so brave. We have medical help and therapy, but she just gets worse every day and I'm so tired. I have to check on her at night and my youngest keeps waking scared that her sister might die. I just need a break, just a few days where I can sleep and eat and just talk to people rather than trying to cope.

It makes me a shit mum I know but I just don't know if it would be best to just let her go into hospital. If you could all tell me what a terrible thing that would be it might make me pull my socks up a bit.

So sorry to hear of this and sending you a huge hug, I have 3 daughters oldest being 9 and I worry that this is something that may coming knocking at our door one day

Yadnbu

I have lasting issues from living with my sisters mental illness, you have other children to think of here as well. There's no easy solution but I think hospital would be best for everyone even just short term

I agree with other people here saying get her into hospital if you can. She clearly needs it, you and the other children need a break and if she isn't improving at home then she needs more support, that inpatient could provide.

Why don't you want to send her?

I have no experience of this, sorry,

but I would echo the posters saying that if you 'burn out' (and how can you not, living under this stress?) then you cant help ANY of your children and they all need you.

Hope you can get her the extra help she clearly needs, and some respite for you and your other children.

Hi sorry to hear of your struggle, I haven't read through all the posts so this may be something you already know of. There's a book called "skills based learning for caring for a loved one with an eating disorder" (Janet treasure, grainne smith & Anna crane). Apparently very good and highly recommended by a therapist I know. Good luck x

I don't want to send her because when she heard she needed to go (at psychiatrists) she was distraught saying "mummy don't leave me". I can't forget that. Of course since then she has told me if I do then that proves I'm a crappy mum who doesn't love her. That's one to keep me awake at night :(

STBEH here at mo and he says no to hospital and we need to try harder. Easy to say when he is only here a short while.

Yes anorexia changes your brain and until your body weighs enough it is a very serious mental illness. She hears voices a lot and has to hide from them.

She's refused two meals now. She's climbed on to my lap and cried herself to sleep. I hate this illness and what it's doing to her.

We have all the books. They are very good and I'm trying to follow them (I do struggle with always being calm) but they don't actuallu say how to get them to eat!!!

I slightly suspect that there are other mental health issues at play, especially if she is hearing voices. Can you report that to the professionals?

Voices are totally normal with anorexia. They hear the eating disorder as a person that tells them what to do.

I gather that's the "royal WE" is it from your ex? And exactly how do "we" try harder then? Sit for 4 hours so one meal time rolls into the next?

What does HE suggest that HE could do to help?

OP this sounds awful for you.

I have a couple of observations butI must stress I have NO experience or exprt knowledge. But:

"mummy don't leave me" could be translated as "mummy don't make me give up my anorexia". Your dd may not at all be aware of this, but it does rather look as though if it does come from that place, it is working.

The other comment may not be in any way relevant but...

I remember a couple of your other threads and wasn't food and eating very much a way your stbexh controlled you/communicated? First the Sunday dinners, then the losing weight when you got him to leave.

Of course you may well have gone into all this in relation to dd, but it was quite striking to me.

Wishing you and dd the very, very fairest of fair winds to get through this

The Maudsley-style methods tend to be more effective for younger children/adolescents. They are less effective when there are other mental health issues at play and from what you've said, this could be the case. I know most people with anorexia do have depression and anxiety but this sounds more intense. I'm slightly cynical as well about the push because we all know that hospital treatment is expensive. Anorexia is an insidious, sneaky illness and it often needs specialist inpatient treatment.

for you.

SonjasSister - funny you should say that about STBEH's eating. DD said all that to him a few hours ago when she was blaming him for it. It's on the psychiatrists report to us too.

The thing is, having a child with an illness doesn't stop her being a child. She's no more able to judge what is right for her now, than before she had the anorexia. Children have to do all sorts of things that, given their own choice, they wouldn't want to. This may just be one of those things.

You have a DD who is extremely ill with a condition that has control at its root. Of course she wants to call the shots. Of course she'll tell you that you're the worst mother for even contemplating it. But she has tried it her way and continued to lose weight. The further she goes down the tunnel, the further the journey back will be.

You have the power to authorise treatment. Treatment is what she needs. Frankly, whether she loves you for it or hates you for it is pretty irrelevant.

I just noticed he's visiting just now. Maybe don't mention it to him immediately? I just thought maybe he has issues of his own around food?

Ah, ok, cross post. Didn't want to stir up fresh hornet's nest but - well, yes.

OP it's time before you burn out or get hurt. It does not make you a crap mother and if she was an only it might be easier to focus on just her. From experience if you don't get a break and let her be safe in hospital your other kids will suffer.

Let her go in until she's been stabilised as much as she can be. She may hate you for it in the short term but it sounds as if you're edging towards deep water and out of your depth. You need to think of you and your other kids.

She'll be looked after and if your ex has a problem then he can take her for a few months.

Yes, as in, I'm not surprised she said that. Hopefully someone can help you all slowly make some kind of sense of it.

You would in no way be a crap mum for sending her to hospital! And you also wouldn't be leaving her, you would be doing what's best for her because you love her. She doesn't get her own way when it's not what she needs.

Of course she won't want to be admitted and will initially be frightened and upset at being separated from you - any attached child would! However staff will be used to and prepared to help all newly admitted children with that and be there to help her, and she'll quickly realise that you are there on the phone and visiting. The really tough thing is that she has a job to do here as well as you, getting better has to be her choice and responsibility in the end, and awful as it sounds, she may need the motivation of getting better enough to be able to come home.

You also have to protect yourself for her, if you get too tired, too burnt out you'll have nothing left for her when she is ready to come home and needs you. And you need to protect her relationship with her siblings, so that if she is able to progress with the anorexia she has their support and love rather than their resentment from remembering how awful things were because of her.

This is absolutely not your fault, nor hers, and you sound like a fantastically committed mum who has done everything possible and then some more, and is reaching the end of her rope. Sometimes the hardest thing is to let a professional step up and do your job for a while because as her mum you have your eye on what she needs long term and know what is best for her and all of your children. Professionals will work with you and are used to comforting and supporting upset children with illnesses of any kind, she will be ok if you decide on admission.

OP I feel really weepy reading this, just to say from reading I think this is too hard for you to alone. you are doing your best

GOOD LUCK and praying you get to the other side of this horrible illness

STBEH here at mo and he says no to hospital and we need to try harder. Easy to say when he is only here a short while

meh is I can say to that

sending strength