To just let my daughter go into hospital?

[Toastandstrawberryjam]

My 13 year old was diagnosed 2 months ago with anorexia. Since then she has gotten so much worse and life is now unrecognisable.

Current medical research now shows care at home has better results than hospital treatment. Supervised meals, continual care. And I have tried. Each meal takes at least at hour, if she will eat it. Then half hour to watch her after.

She's violent and aggressive with me and my other DC. They never get a moment of my time. Last night she finally calmed down and went to bed at 11.45.

She's tried to climb out of windows, threatens suicide, has punched me and tried to stab her dad. She is too ill for school so I have given up work, we can't go anywhere. I was trying to build my own business which was finally going somewhere.

She has refused her snack this morning and went to punch me when I tried to persuade her, calling me all kinds of names. I'm terrified because if she loses more weight she will definitely have to go into hospital, which would be awful for her.

I love her so very much, but I love my other DC too. Who are trying to be so brave. We have medical help and therapy, but she just gets worse every day and I'm so tired. I have to check on her at night and my youngest keeps waking scared that her sister might die. I just need a break, just a few days where I can sleep and eat and just talk to people rather than trying to cope.

It makes me a shit mum I know but I just don't know if it would be best to just let her go into hospital. If you could all tell me what a terrible thing that would be it might make me pull my socks up a bit.

My eating has been "dysfunctional" too. But I've always been honest with my DC. I suffer with ulcers and gastritis so often I can't eat normally or eat the same as them. I'm sure that has a part to play in this as well.

hospital "may" be awful for her but it will make life better for you, the other DC etc. why should life be awful for all and every one of you when she is the one who is ill? yes you will still care and love her if she goes to hospital. your younger dc can be told "hospital are helping her so she cannot die there" and in fact hospital (the correct unit) actually will be able to treat her and deal with her professionally with far more experience than you have of this condition.

you would not agree to set a broken leg at home yourself...you dont have the skill or knowledge.

so yes, send her to hospital for the correct treatment. now.

I agree that it would be best to get her admitted to hospital. Anorexia is such a manipulative illness, all this "mummy don't leave me" is a symptom of that and because you love her and will do anything for her the manipulation works on you. The professionals will be more immune to this and much better placed to help her at the moment. It doesn't make you a shit mum, it shows that you love her enough to do the very best for her in spite of all your natural instincts

One day she will understand.

You can talk this through with the parent adviser at ABC - Anorexia Bulimia Care - they don't just listen sympathetically - they'll be able to tell you what is reasonable and if you do go for hospital, how to get admitted/what will happen.

www.anorexiabulimiacare.org.uk

I've just read your other thread from 2013, OP, and I'm so glad you have finally separated from your husband. I don't think I'd be paying much attention to anything he says, tbh. Do what's best for your daughter. His ego is not something you have to worry about now.

Don't blame yourself, OP. Let her go to hospital for specialised care and enjoy normal things like cuddles and bedtime stories looking after your other DC, for a little while at least.

I don't want to be banging a drum, but when you say " I don't doubt in any way that all of this is because of" your ex's behaviour, are you sure it's wise to let him spend all this time with her? I remember on one of your other threads your kids asking you not to let him come back to the house. Has this changed over time? Or is he coming round because HE wants to/because you're desperate for someone to sit with her.

To me, the idea of letting an abusive man who may be one of the main drivers for her illness spend hours at a time with her seems counterproductive. I remember him being a really selfish man too so I find it hard to imagine him doing this out of true concern for her/support for you all.

Can I ask you, OP, what was the turning point that made you separate? Was it your decision? You seem to have been suffering with this man for a while. I'm really glad he's gone, but wondered what the tipping point was.

I posted about that when it happened. We had an argument and he told the DC he was going to slit his wrists because of it. That was my tipping point.

This must be so hard for you. I wonder if your daughter contacted the Samaritans it would help her to deal with some of her anger. I know she's young but I know the Samaritans deal with lots of young people who contact them with these sort of problems - usually by email or text. This is not instead of hospital treatment - it sounds as if that's absolutely the right thing - but it might give your daughter somewhere to vent her feelings at anytime of the day or night. Just a thought.

Toastandstrawberryjam re 'I don't want to send her because when she heard she needed to go (at psychiatrists) she was distraught saying "mummy don't leave me". I can't forget that. Of course since then she has told me if I do then that proves I'm a crappy mum who doesn't love her. That's one to keep me awake at night sad'. Please do send her to the hospital because it sounds like you are at your wits end and as a mum you are trying to do your best for her.

Re "STBEH here at mo and he says no to hospital and we need to try harder. Easy to say when he is only here a short while." I agree with others 'meh, meh, meh' Just ignore him. He is not sleeping on the sofa because he is worried!

Have any of the anorexia charities been any use at all?

Beat

and I wonder if this organisation may have anything to help as I think you mentioned threads of suicide. Papyrus

I have found sometimes looking at sites in the USA can be quite helpful or for information about alternative approaches.

I do not have a child with this issue but I have a dear friend with Anorexia and I do know a bit about eating disorders. I also feel there is sometimes things behind the disorder so i wonder what level of counselling, therapy,care has been offered to your dd on the NHS.

No idea if these sites will offer any suggestions not yet tried but may be worth looking... (apologises if you know them all).

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/anorexia-nervosa

www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/forum There is a forum for parents of suffers.

www.anad.org/my-recovery-story/

take a look at the end of the article for the section road to recovery

Toast- I am so sorry you are going through this. My sister suffers/d with bulimia and anorexia since 1998. It's the most horrendous illness and in my experience there is nothing a family can really do physically to get their relative better. It has to come from them when they decide they want to get well. My sister was hospitalized in a residential unit twice. Her potassium levels were so low she was in danger of heart attack at the age of 22. I hated going to visit as she would beg me to get her out, beg me to help her avoid eating, swear at me and tell me to fuck off and not bother coming. I still went and would leave in tears. One of the other patients saw me once and hugged me and told me it was not my sister talking, it was the anorexia. That really helped me to separate her from the illness. She did get worse after her first hospitalization and was skeletal. But in the past few years she has decided to get well. She is still not completely free of her anorexic thoughts and I don't tji

Oops, sorry.

I don't think she ever will be, food and the control of it play a massive part in her life. But she functions and is now fit and healthy.

Please don't feel bad for getting her the help she (and you) so clearly needs. And please don't let her manipulate you into not doing what is best. Anorexia is a devious and extremely manipulative illness and you can stand up to it.

Unmumsnet hugs ((toast))

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your daughter would benefit from being an inpatient for a while. Also you and your other children would benefit from her getting the help she needs.

You say she has recently refused two meals and her weight is still dropping, together with a worryingly low BMI. I'm sorry to say but do you think she will suddenly decide to eat one day just because you or your husband are sitting with her for 4 hours? She is getting worse at home and the anorexia seems to have a huge hold over her. That is very hard to change when it gets to this level, as it is your daughters "control" and feels "safe" and she will be very frightened and reluctant to let go of that. She is already manipulating you and making you doubt yourself by saying that you would be a bad mother for having her admitted. She is counting on that having an affect that means you will keep her at home, as that means she can continue to keep "control". She will not stop losing weight. Anorectics don't have a "cut off point" in weight loss, they keep going as they are never thin enough. It is an illness, anorectics never see how thin they are, they always need to lose a few more pounds.

Once body weight is so low, with little or no calories being taken in (particularly protein) the body starts digesting the heart muscle and other vital organs. I have had two friends who died of heart attacks (when discharged home and going back to old ways) because of this. Potassium and other electrolyte levels get dangerously low and this can trigger a heart attack too.

To be honest and not wanting to cause offence: your husband seems to be not helping the situation.

Being a parent is very hard. You sometimes have to make tough decisions in order to help your child get better, even if that makes you unpopular at the time. If she had a physical illness you wouldn't hesitate to get her the treatment she needs, despite any protests. This is no different.

I wish you and your family all the best.

You poor thing OP; it sounds like you are all going through such a hard time. Please believe you are not a terrible mother; you are trying to do the best for everyone but your daughter is ill and needs professional supervision. This illness can turn people into someone who you don't recognise but it can make them manipulative as well, and it sounds like that is happening here. I know it would be very hard to let her go but otherwise you may become ill yourself and then you will be no use to her or her sister. Let the professionals handle her for a while; sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest.

Take care and I hope she gets well again and your life becomes a bit more peaceful.

i have an eating disorder

send her

Your not a shit Mum,I was anorexic actively from the age of 7 till I was16.My anorexia came around because of what I had going on at home.If they'll take her into hospital let her go.It could be just what she needs.

OP I have no experience of this, but I completely and utterly feel for you. You are absolutely not a shit mum, you sound like a wonderful woman at the end of her tether.

It really is a horrible disease, and like so many others it doesn't just affect her but everyone else too.

I really hope you can be brave enough when the time comes to let her be put into hospital, as it sounds to me like it might be the only thing left.

I know you will be feeling guilty about it, regardless of what you do, but you've done so well to get this far. You are a very brave lady

Huge hugs and love to you and your family OP xx

I was anorexic for several years. Very few people noticed or knew because I wore lots of layers. I went to a high pressure girls' school. Send her to hospital to get the help she needs. If you love her, let her get help.

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

You've tried helping her at home. It hasn't helped, indeed she is getting worse.

You've got no choice now.

Don't feel guilty either. You would be letting her and your other children down if you don't give yourself a break and get her the outside help she needs.

Research shows on average it is usually more successful to treat at home, but to get that figure an awful lot isn't successful.

Thank you for all your lovely posts and PMs. Today has been a slightly better day but I think mainly because I managed to get out for a short while to see a friend for coffee. The relief of just having someone to pat my shoulder while I snivelled into a latte, was immense!