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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just let my daughter go into hospital?

128 replies

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 11:32

My 13 year old was diagnosed 2 months ago with anorexia. Since then she has gotten so much worse and life is now unrecognisable.

Current medical research now shows care at home has better results than hospital treatment. Supervised meals, continual care. And I have tried. Each meal takes at least at hour, if she will eat it. Then half hour to watch her after.

She's violent and aggressive with me and my other DC. They never get a moment of my time. Last night she finally calmed down and went to bed at 11.45.

She's tried to climb out of windows, threatens suicide, has punched me and tried to stab her dad. She is too ill for school so I have given up work, we can't go anywhere. I was trying to build my own business which was finally going somewhere.

She has refused her snack this morning and went to punch me when I tried to persuade her, calling me all kinds of names. I'm terrified because if she loses more weight she will definitely have to go into hospital, which would be awful for her.

I love her so very much, but I love my other DC too. Who are trying to be so brave. We have medical help and therapy, but she just gets worse every day and I'm so tired. I have to check on her at night and my youngest keeps waking scared that her sister might die. I just need a break, just a few days where I can sleep and eat and just talk to people rather than trying to cope.

It makes me a shit mum I know but I just don't know if it would be best to just let her go into hospital. If you could all tell me what a terrible thing that would be it might make me pull my socks up a bit.

OP posts:

RachelZoe · 18/09/2015 12:04

My brother had the same experience with other parents. She did eventually try and hold them all hostage with a pot of boiling water (she stood in front of the kitchen door with it and threatened to throw it at them) when they were trying to make her pasta and that was the incident that sent her to the rehab place. Very scary, don't let it get to that point.

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 12:06

She is furious with me a lot of the time. Her dad had to leave earlier this year because of his behaviour towards me and us. Since then he has changed a bit and her relationship with him was getting better. Now this has exploded she doesn't like anybody.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toastandstrawberryjam · 18/09/2015 12:07

I can imagine her doing something like that with boiling water. A few weeks ago I slept downstairs because I was on my own with her in the house and I was scared she might hurt me :(

OP posts:

specialsubject · 18/09/2015 12:10

Please, get her hospitalised before her illness injures someone. It's not her fault but she needs help and you all need protection.

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2015 12:10

If you've got to that point, you really have to take action now. It's not good for her to have free reign to hurt someone. Imagine if she did something life-changing and had to live with the consequences forever? It's not fair on her that she should feel so out of control. Your job now is to protect her from herself and get her proper residential help.

nephrofox · 18/09/2015 12:11

This is totally unsustainable Toast.

The aeroplane drill where they tell you to fit your own oxygen mask before trying to help others can be applied to many situations, including this. If you don't get a break and chance to look after yourself, everything else will fall apart

I also wonder about why she's worse with her dad . Is she angry at him for leaving? Was there a trigger for the ED, or is this all just adding on the top.

As you mention private care being an option, coukd you also look into counselling for yourself and the other children ? If it's an option it might help keep you all on an even keel

RachelZoe · 18/09/2015 12:13

:( It is such a powerful illness, she's not in her right mind, neither was my niece, she was the most placid and sunny girl before she got ill (and is very sunny and happy again now). It's time for this to leave your hands I think. You're doing the right thing.

Is the hospital she would be going to near you?

Fivegomad · 18/09/2015 12:14

Hi, just wanted to check if you have been offered a carers assessment yet?
We have spent most of this year going through a similar thing with our daughter(18 yrs old, severe mental health issues) and the total exhaustion and helplessness is crippling at time.
Your daughters care co-ordinater/social worker/health worker can refer you and there are all sorts of things on offer out there that may help. Also, look at registering your younger ones as young carers. All these measures may seem small, but when you are drowning, someone taking time to check if you are ok can be that little touch that keeps you going. I wish you the very best of luck, hold tight, this will pass

leghoul · 18/09/2015 12:20

I was admitted to hospital for medical reasons at the same age, and before - I really srtuggled at home. I was then fine for a few years before being admitted to a private clinic for a long time (arranged by GP after fighting for funding and after I was spiralling down at home) it was brilliant and probably saved my life. I had a relapse a year later, at home, very ill hospitalised etc but then moved away from home and managed okay.
For me home = almost impossible to combine with proper recovery. It sounds like you've done an incredible amount for your DD and I think clinic/hospital is a positive thing you could do for her. I also think it will help in terms of returning her to education asap and getting her onto a proper treatment program is essential - if you can do it, please do - of course she will resist but that's because she knows she can keep hold of her illness at home and going into hospital could well mean this is not possible. She won't be happy for a long time about it, but it would seem to be in her best interests (caveat: depends on where you intend her to be admitted, some places are not good - some are excellent)
best of luck with it

giraffesCantDoThat · 18/09/2015 12:21

As a former anorexic I would say that you sitting persuading her to eat is futile. That sounds truly exhausting for all of you.

This approach is clearly not working for her. Hospital might help and then get her to a stage where you can carry on the recovery at home.

You are very unlikey to win a battle of wills like that with an anorexic.

I think it sounds like she needs some different treatment and then can resume at home. She sounds at a dangerous stage and in my experience and opinion (not professional) then this won't work here at the moment, it will even just spur her on to not eat.

You are doing so well. But you wouldn't try to sort any other illness of this level of severity at home - anorexia is the same.

Keeptrudging · 18/09/2015 12:24

My feeling is you are too close to her to deal with this and it sounds like she's at the stage of needing professionals. She lashes out at you because she can't deal with her own emotions and you are the person she feels safe with. I was a 'quiet' anorexic and was hospitalised. Only through the patience of staff/fear of being medically fed was I able to start eating again. It wouldn't have happened at home, no matter how long my mum sat with me during mealtimes. I also think that's a horrible, tense situation for both of you to have to do that. Better for her to be in hospital and you can support her whilst regaining some of your own strength. I really hope she begins to recover, you've just got to hang in there, it's a horrible illness.

TheRealAmyLee · 18/09/2015 12:29

Please let her go in. Give yourself the time and space to recover yourself form the exhaustion and stress that this and your divorce has placed on you. Let professionals help with her and focus on you and your other DC. It doesn't mean you've given up ro abandonned her it means that the best thing for the whole family is that she gets professional help and you get some respite so you are better able to deal once she starts to get better and comes back home.

AlpacaLypse · 18/09/2015 12:31

Hi, anorexic niece here.

Hospital treatment saved her life and SIL's sanity.

It's been a long haul, with several admissions, but dniece is now at University and seems to be coping well, no relapses for 18 months now. She looks good, and sounds good. She's still working in therapy to address the root cause of her anorexia (her abusive dad mainly). And SIL is finally beginning to look and sound like the confident happy woman she used to be before she met the git and had dniece.

But at the height of the illness, SIL (and MIL) couldn't see the wood for the trees, they were both so exhausted.

giraffesCantDoThat · 18/09/2015 12:31

Letting go of her illness will be incredibly scary - is it blocking anything she has in her mind just now.

I remember watching this when I was at school and when I was anorexic and thought it was good.

Might help with regard to hospitals etc? This is only version I could find. Voice over bits have subtitles but actual people on screen are in English and that is the vast majority anyway.

PlopsyWhopsy · 18/09/2015 12:32

Hospital sounds the best place for her. Give her team a ring today and get things in motion, rather than wait until it goes really wrong. Whether private or NHS it doesn't matter now.
You have done great and can now visit her in hospital as her mum and support her rather than her carer

giraffesCantDoThat · 18/09/2015 12:35

Also in this documentary you see such flashes of determination, stubbornness and control in the young girls eyes. It is incredibly hard to break through that. This control and power is what the anorexic has. They can be devious, controlling and very difficult because giving up that control is just too terrifying. Anorexia is a serious illness - but it is a very very difficult one to live with.

InimitableJeeves · 18/09/2015 12:41

She really does need some sustained medical care - she's obviously got some pretty massive psychiatric problems and anxiety.

And before she comes out, get in touch with social services. This is a disability, and they should have a care plan in place including if necessary respite care. It sounds like she will also need an Education Health and Care Plan to support her return to school - you can get some advice on that on the SN boards.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/09/2015 12:53

I have no experience to add but just wanted to post to say that you sound like anything but a shit mum.

You are clearly doing your very best to help your DD but it sounds as though you need to share the burden and allow her to be admitted now. For all of your sakes.

Your DD will be getting help, she will be supervised & cared for. You will have time to dedicate to your younger DCs and, hopefully, some space just for you to relax and breathe. Or to see friends for coffee, chat & support.

Allowing professionals to help your child does not equate to being a shit mum at all. Quite the opposite in fact. I totally understand that it can be hard to let go, but sometimes it's the best thing you can do.

[coffee]

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/09/2015 12:54

Damn it, I meant

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2015 13:07

Leghoul is absolutely right. Your daughter is desperately trying to cling onto her anorexia. She knows there's more chance she can do that at home so she will resist hospital.

The quicker you act with anorexia, the higher the chance of success. I think you should get the ball rolling on this and arrange for her to go to hospital.

motherinferior · 18/09/2015 13:08

Totally agree re hospital.

MrsBojingles · 18/09/2015 13:10

You are very unlikey to win a battle of wills like that with an anorexic.

Ditto everything giraffe said.

I was anorexic as a teenager, and gave my parents hell. It's a horrid illness that twists everything. The best thing my parents did was get me professional private help, the NHS professionals I saw were useless, and even told me I didn't have any problems (with a scarily low BMI). Please get her the help she needs, and give yourself a break. I never got admitted (slipped through the net somehow, then turned 18), but I was never violent like your daughter - I took all my anger out on myself. You need to be safe aswell. Hospital could help her get back on track and out of the danger zone hopefully.

I'm not sure how sitting with her for three hours to eat food is going to help, if anyone had done that to me they'd have had a rough time, and it wouldn't have resulted in any food in my belly.

giraffesCantDoThat · 18/09/2015 13:18

I can't stop thinking about this thread, just want to give you a big hug.

If it is any help then I am now 30 and this evening I am going out with my friends from school for dinner - in my last years of school I wouldn't drink anything more calorific than diet coke in front of them. There was never one major turning point for me, and I am not sure I will ever be 100% "normal" with food. But I have a purposeful and happy life and I work and contribute to society. :)

Off to work now, will be back this evening. x

lougle · 18/09/2015 13:19

I can't remember exactly where I read it, but doesn't brain chemistry alter as BMI drops. Your DD isn't in control of herself in any way and isn't making choices as you or I would.

If your DD was looking at her DSis behaving as she is, she herself would say to send her to hospital. It's not abandonment, it's rescuing her from herself.

Purplepoodle · 18/09/2015 13:25

I'd admit her. She needs help and u r no good to her being burnt out.

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