Comment OH made to me

[CookieTramp]

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

See what he's like after a weekend at home with the kids.

Bet he has a change of attitude. Elbow deep in diapers and toddler madness is not cocktails in Manhattan.

DW and I split the household chores 50:50, I work FT, her PT - I recently took on a managerial job (actually, due to business cutbacks I took on THREE managerial jobs), and frankly days home with DCs, making food and doing housework are a piece of piss compared to being at work.

I have had stressful roles (though nothing like OPs DH) and been a SAHM. Staying at home was way easier and less stressful (and one of my DC is severely disabled - must be a breeze with a healthy/NT child).

only on MN is being a SAHM just as hard as working on a highly stressful role

O M G - they're HIS children. He's not a babysitter. He's not a friend "helping out", and she may have NT children but SHE'S not well. Bloody hell - I hope your partners don't know how dismissive you are of their efforts because there must be several servants out there living the dream.

I once discussed with DH his comments that he'd love to be able to stay home, would have the house sorted by lunchtime, wholesome food bought and kids clean and shiny. . And so I met the challenge. I suggested we swapped roles. He thought about it properly for a weekend whilst I did absolutely nothing house or child related except the odd puzzle or indulgent watching TV with them it was never spoken of again.

Ducky - did you register that OP had been struggling on her own for a year with two young children and no support. It's effected her mental health. This is probably her first break away from the children in a year. It's not going to kill him to order a pizza or grab some fish fingers from the coop. Yes a day of childcare might seem straight forward to you but repeated non stop 365 days with no time apart from the kids and various night time wakings, it's cumulative.

I have sympathy for the op, and I think her DHs comment was a dickish thing to say.

What I have no sympathy for is the attitude of some posters (not the OP) that the DH has had it easy by working a pressurised FT job, rather than staying home with the children. I've done both, and would pick staying home and looking after kids and house anytime.

Iborgia - its not about being dismissive of a SAHP. Its the comparitive that this is as stressful as a FT High Powered job that is ridiculous. The posters who have said why can't he just nip into the co-op when he finishes work at 10pm. Its beyond belief, she is at home all day, he shouldn't have to go to the shops when he finishes work at 10 at night. In the RL most SAHP who have a partner in this sort of role do understand that the the SAHP needs to support them in order for them both to maintain the lifestyle that they have. My DP would never expect me to go to the shops at 10pm after working all day, when frankly I am exahausted and just want to go to bed. And do you really think working parents don't know what its like to look after children all day? Do you not think a lot of WP still do the things that are expected of SAHP ie party planning, homework, finances, uniforms etc If a WP is working these hours and doesn't get support at home it is very likely that they will have a breakdown and then where will the family be?

"therefore in order to enable him to do that job she needs to do the shopping!!"

No she doesn't. He won't be doing that job this weekend, it's the weekend.

Nucky no-one's said his life is easy. Just that it's no harder than that of any other parent who assumes they have to parent their own kids occasionally.

Its the comparitive that this is as stressful as a FT High Powered job that is ridiculous."

Actually it's not ridiculous.

It's very well known that the jobs which are stressful, are the ones where you don't have control of your time or the way you do the work. Higher management is actually less stressful than middle management, management is sometimes less stressful than being one of the workers who needs to get the job done but has no say in how it's done or autonomy about when to do each task.

And also, surely it's not that difficult to understand that what you might find easy, someone else might find horribly stressful, because we are all different?

I find it perplexing that some people are so sure that it's no big deal for the OP (who has mentioned that she is struggling, hence the weekend away in the first place), to have prepared meals so that her DH doesn't have to do cooking at the weekend, but that it's a fucking enormous deal for him (who isn't struggling as far as we know) to have to cook. How come you've got so much empathy and righteousness for the person who isn't struggling and so little for the person who is?

reading between the lines the OP's DH is struggling or at least very stressed.support goes both ways.

Nucky, I'm probably one of the posters who's implied that the DH has it 'easy', mainly as a reaction against all the other posters who've suggested that the OP should be grateful for his financial support, and that it's some sort of treat or cop-out to be a SAHM.

I don't mean that working in a high-pressured, long-houred, senior position is easy, full stop. But progressing in an intense City career you love is incredibly hard to combine with having two children, and if you're lucky enough to have a spouse who'll take sole responsibility for your kids and household, then there should be appreciation of that (mutual appreciation, of course), rather than contempt, or resentment that the spouse won't comply even further by relocating overseas. And there shouldn't be the assumption that the SAHP is 'lucky' to stay at home.

How do you parent when your normal work pattern is to leave the house at 7am and return at 9pm, with frequent international travel? There are weeks at a time when you might not see your kids at all. You need to be able to wholly delegate childcare and household admin to another person. Without a spouse willing to do that how would the OP's husband have coped if he'd married a colleague with a similar role? then you'd need a network of paid support: at least, a live-in nanny (or two: minimum coverage needed would be 70hrs/wk, plus babysitting, plus sole care when the DH needs to travel), and a housekeeper/cleaner/personal assistant to perform all administrative and practical tasks that fall beyond the nanny's remit (fixing the plumbing, taxing the car, renewing the passport... etc).

This isn't one of those nauseating 'a mother is a cook, cleaner, chauffeur...' posts, but I'm just trying to point out that the OP has enabled her DH to have two children whom he presumably loves very much, but whom he can leave at home (or even in another country) for long periods without concern for their welfare or development, giving 100% focus on his job. And if this doesn't sound like a big deal, why is it so rarely the case when the high-earning parent is a woman?

All the women I know in senior City positions are either child-free, or constantly worn down by the pressure of trying to participate in their children's lives whilst remaining a credible player at work. None of them would relocate to NYC for a year, away from their family; none of them would bridle at being asked to prepare meals for the caregiver's first weekend away in six years. In contrast, no one ever asks their male colleagues how they 'juggle' it all, because a different standard applies. And, you know, if that works for their families, fine. But if the SAHP is depressed and the WOHP almost entirely detached from home life, then it's not working, and it's so grim to see a bunch of posters basically pile on to say: hey, he's paying the bills, he's letting you stay at home, so shut up.

Higher Management is less stressful than middle management

AskBasil - this just proves you have no idea what you are talking about, and that obviously you are not married to a lawyer, a GP, a surgeon or a CEO. High Management positions are incredibly stessful. You never switch off, you are always responsible for millions of pounds of revenue or peoples lives and/or livelihoods.

My brother is a surgeon, and my SIL a hospital doctor. Either are quite capable of having their own children for a weekend without pre prepared food.

Lweji if the OP was I am a full time GP and my husband is a surgeon and he wanted me to get the shopping in, the response would have been different. The difference here is that one of them is a SAHP and has the capacity to sort out the shopping for the weekend.

I think some of the reponses towards the OP are because she has a mental health condition and it's a mindfulness retreat. I wonder how the responses would have varied if she said she was going an intensive physiotherapy rehab programme.

The difference here is that one of them is a SAHP and has the capacity to sort out the shopping for the weekend.

They both have the capacity to sort out the shopping.

I think what you mean is that the SAHP has the responsibility, which is a matter of opinion.

Nucky no-one's said his life is easy.

References to "cocktails in Manhattan" suggest otherwise.

"The difference here is that one of them is a SAHP and has the capacity to sort out the shopping for the weekend."

In my house, we both work full-time. We both have the capacity to do the shopping. We are both capable adults. What do you think single people with hectic jobs do? They manage! OP has a medical condition which seems to be repeatedly ignored by some on here.

Flipping heck, cannot actually believe that some people are saying OP is U!!! What is she supposed to be, a 24/7/365 slave that never has any time off while her DH has his weekends free to do as he pleases? He should be taking half the load EVERY weekend so that they both have a chance for a break and equal leisure time. He has had A YEAR of free weekends! She has a lot of catching up to do before it is even equal.

My DH works and every hour he is working, I am working too, at home looking after our baby. Once he gets home, we are jointly responsible for the childcare and household tasks. In principle, we agree on this. If he was to say, "No I shall sit on the sofa while you look after my child and cook for me all weekend," our marriage would not last long.

*were to say

The stress that is caused by being very responsible but in charge of your own work, is very different from the stress that is caused by not being in control of your own work.

Both are stressful, but there are different types of stress - some people thrive on the stress of knowing they are responsible for millions of pounds and hundreds of lives, some people thrive on the safety of knowing they're not responsible for organising how they work because they're told how to do it and when, other people are made miserable by not having any agency in their work.

It's exasperating to be told that there is only one type of stress and one type of person and there is a neat, easy way to measure how stress is allocated to each person in each situation and therefore how they can be allowed to be affected by it in each situation.

And it is appalling that the mental health issues are being totally ignored by people who can't bend over backwards far enough to proclaim that the person in the relationship who goes out to work, cannot ever be expected, even for one weekend, to do a bit of normal bloody parenting without mithering about it. Sheesh.

So what exactly are SAHPs solely responsible for? I would have thought making sure the kids have something to eat, whether or not they are personally around, was squarely within their responsibilities. An ocado order takes 10 mins. Sorry - I would be cross at being purposely left with no planning done by the other parent, if the task (looking after the kids) was their expertise and, apparently, their job just as stressful as being a CEO. Why not treat it like planning for being out of the office? Proper handover etc...

""You are both tired, stressed and losing perspective. Do not get into a " my life is more shit than yours competition!" That is not helpful."
"

I said this on the first page (quoting a PP) and I see that the whole thread has descended into exactly that

It's not a competition. That's neither helpful for the OP's relationship, or for modern women in general

totalrecall1
If I remember correctly the husband here is supposed to cook over the weekend not necessarily shop. Even so, I'm sure he can take 30 min to 1h of his weekend time to buy some food for his children. What if the op was ill? Oh, wait, she is and it seems she needs treatment, but just because it's not in a hospital she has to do it all anyway. FGS.

a mindfulness course is hardly the same as treatment. we don't even know the extend of OP's depression and if she does require treatment. so many people who are simply stressed etc claim to be 'depressed' these days with out having ever seen a doctor let along having a diagnosis. everybody on here seems to assume that OP is clinically depressed. she never said that.