Comment OH made to me

[CookieTramp]

I am about to go away for three nights/four days, the longest I have been away since the children (6 and 22 months) came along. It is for a residential meditation weekend to try and learn some mindfulness, control negative thoughts and combat depression.

My mum is having the children this afternoon and tomorrow, and my husband over the weekend. I have managed to pre-cook some food for her to heat and serve to the children, so that she doesn't have to do too much. I haven't managed to think about the weekend's food as well, so I told my husband last night that while there's food for tonight and tomorrow, he will need to sort something for the weekend for himself and the kids. (let it be said, I actually feel bad about this...) He replied, 'Yes, because you've got so much on your mind'.

Background is that he has been working crazy hours, and also that he was away working in NY for a year from when our youngest was 6 months. He has only been back 7 weeks. It was complicated and I was under constant pressure to move out there, as the money is good and he loves the job there. I did agree to move out there initially and then backed out because it was too scary while the kids are so young to move away from friends and family, and he works such long hours.

I struggle with being a SAHM. I do everything - house, garden, admin, and all organising, which I find hard to keep everything in my head.

So his comment feels like contempt and disrespect for my role, and for how I struggle to do it all and do it all cheerfully for the kids. I don't understand why he needed to say anything like that. I feel belittled and I have been up half the night staring at the wall, trying to work out whether I am getting it out of perspective.

I am just asking for feedback really, on how it strikes you. I'd rather not turn this into a discussion about his working in NY for a year (with a few visits), as that was so complicated and such a year of difficulty and constant uncertainty.

There's a massive assumption here that he meant it in a derogatory way. Are you sure he did?

OP: please do us a favour and come back to the thread after your weekend retreat to let us know whether you are feeling any better? I would love to hear that you have learned some coping techniques; I too have battled depression throughout my life (have suffered from chronic depression since late adolescence) and I know very well that you need an arsenal of go-to methods to combat it. I would also love to hear that you have been able to start to engage your husband in an honest conversation about what both of you have been thinking and feeling. I will be thinking of you this weekend.

It's ok to not do something you don't want to do, but there are consequences. I don't want to take my bin out but I know what'll happen if I don't. Did the OP think through what if any impact not moving might have on the DH's inclination to support her being a SAHM with one in school?

What patronising bullshit! International relocation when one spouse is ambivalent, let alone openly reluctant, can be completely disastrous.

The OP's husband works incredibly long hours and she has no support network in NYC. That's a perfectly valid reason not to go. I've been a trailing spouse twice, and will probably do it again, but I think it's much more responsible to weigh up the situation and say no, that's not going to work for me.

And, as other posters have said, once you've actually moved then a whole new range of limitations come up; if things get nasty you can't assume you'll be able to just move home, especially when you're the economically-dependent person and there are kids involved. So: yes, feeling isolated and trapped thousands of miles from your home country, in a new culture where you may not even have the legal right to work. This is exactly like having stinky bins for a week.

Where did I say they were similar, cough? Of course the scale is entirely different! I am pointing out there are consequences to everything. But if you want to grasp that and run with it, go right ahead, this is AIBU after all.

The decision not to go to NYC split the family - not an easy choice to make and it isn't on the OP - the DH decided to go just as much as she chose to stay. I hope it was one made with due consideration by both. It is entirely possible DH is harbouring resentment from that, rightly or wrongly.

You've trailed your DH and so know how hard it is. For you, what were your considerations and what has made you choose to go both times?

The decision not to go to NYC split the family

Or did the decision to go to NYC split the family?
Why shouldn't the husband stay put instead?

Sounds like she has more than supported her H's career

And I'm presuming that it is the money that he earns from that career that enables her to stay at home and go off on this course for the weekend.

Isn't equality supposed to be that men and women are equal? If the "traditional" model of SAHM and working Dad works out, then fine. But once one partner starts to become resentful of the other or starts taking the other for granted then it is only a matter of time before that relationship is in trouble. And it is not fair if it is always the SAHP who is seen as a hard working saint, just as it is not fair if the working partner is seen that way.

Re my previous comment of it not being the end of the world if something doesn't get done at home....well we've all had days when we've done nothing at home, didn't bother to get the kids dressed properly, fed them pre-prepared food and generally slobbed out; didn't do any housework etc. Did anyone die? No. SO get a grip.

lweji if you read the rest of that sentence, you'll see I made the point that the decision didn't just rest with the OP. She didn't decide to split the family but the decision howsowever taken had that effect albeit temporarily.

My aunt moved to the States with 2 children (not as young as the OPs) for her DH's career (my DF's brother). He would leave for work at 6am and get back at 10am. She was so lonely, had never wanted to leave her family. She became a Jehovah's Witness - someone at the door. For the OP with depression to leave her family who it sounds like she is close to, to go somewhere with her DH who works such long hours sounds absolutely crazy to me. It's not unsupportive, it's self preservation.

IME, people working that kind of job with those hours have many options and would choose to do it anyway. My friend's DH is like this and her being a SAHM doesn't allow him to have a career - he'd have had that anyway. It allows him to have a family.

In my office, there are a variety of roles, several could be described as "high powered". I can guarantee that all of them have days where it's not constantly all hands on deck, the member of our senior management team would used to head off to the loo with the paper tucked under his arm is the first to spring to mind.

I see it's been said (at last) but yes, seeking treatment for a serious illness is not 'swanning off on a jolly' and I find that suggestion really, really hideous.

OP's comment that she finds it hard to 'hold everything in her head' wrt organising all the household and child stuff suggests some classic symptoms of depression - debilitated short-term memory, concentration and decision-making.

Depression does not select its victims according to the status of their job or their hours worked (well, there may be interesting stats about that), it's no luxury and recovery is not quick.

Apart from that, OP, you do really need to talk and listen to each other, a lot. Stop guessing and obsessing, start discussing.

I'm sorry but these days many people do not have an option where their career is concerned, you either go abroad or you are consigned to a 'go nowhere' position as you have not demonstrated the right level of commitment. I am not going to turn this into a whinge about what I have sacrificed for my marriage and family but I will say that unless you have been there, you can't understand how devastating OP's mind changing will have been for her DH's career. I am surprised he is still around TBH. Mine would have F'ed off when he realised that I cared more about my emotional issues than the good of our families future.

Yikes, family's future, been away from English speakers for too long.

I will say that unless you have been there, you can't understand how devastating OP's mind changing will have been for her DH's career. I am surprised he is still around TBH. Mine would have F'ed off when he realised that I cared more about my emotional issues than the good of our families future.

This is really sad. One parent's 'emotional issues' are a huge part of any family's future.

And I find it hard to believe that turning down an NYC relocation would, in most cases, be professionally devastating. Inconvenient, perhaps, but that's what happens when you involve other people in your life, ie have a partner and children.

In most cases someone in an executive-level or specialist role senior enough to merit sponsorship for a US visa is not going to be f*cked if they choose to stay in the UK. IN GENERAL, being offered a role in NYC is not a case of being an economic migrant, escaping dire or hopeless situations in the home country; it is about someone wanting to push an already-successful career to the next level, and should involve the whole family in the decision, and definitely not minimize 'emotional issues'.

(Obviously different if entire office is relocating, or UK branch closing down, or changed industry focus means NYC is the only place to be.)

Where did I say they were similar, cough? Of course the scale is entirely different! I am pointing out there are consequences to everything. But if you want to grasp that and run with it, go right ahead, this is AIBU after all.

You implied they were similar when you posted that really useful analogy about what happens when you don't put your bins out, in the context of a discussion about whether the OP should've felt obliged to relocate to NYC and the effect it may be having on her marriage.

It's either totally patronising thank you for pointing out that there are 'consequences for everything'! We are three years old and struggling with that concept or rather spiteful, as you're apparently likening a life-changing decision to a moment of domestic idleness that will cause inconvenience for all of a week.

IMO a couple's decision to emigrate by choice; in the absense of penury or unbearable conditions in the home country should be like the 'will we have another child?' discussion: person who vetoes has final say. It's something that will be really hard-work, life-changing, and affect the family for years to come. Both partners should be going into it with enthusiasm.

• I mean... person who doesn't want to, has final say. Or veto.

Ladylike, absolutely.

I have another friend whose DH left to work in Saudi after being made redundant in the depth of the recession. They had no idea where the next mortgage payment was coming from. Those I know who have been sponsored to take up jobs in the States haven't been in that position.

SolsburyHell Thu 17-Sep-15 07:51:01
You both sound stressed and tired and he made a rude comment, don't overthink it. He obviously loves and values you enough to give up his dream job. By all means tell him how it made you feel but don't question your whole marriage because of it if you are otherwise happy with him.

+1

He's clearly very stressed - how could anyone work those hours and not be?
And you're clearly very stressed too - over-stressing small stuff like a stray comment or food being a classic symptom.

My ideal is for my OH to lift me when I'm a but snipey, and vice versa. I try to meet a rude comment with kindness and empathy for the reason they are being snarky, which normally triggers an unprompted apology in return.

For my money, a mindfulness course sounds like a great idea. Good one. Enjoy it.

Mine would have F'ed off when he realised that I cared more about my emotional issues than the good of our families future.

It certainly works both ways, and unless they'd face bankruptcy, the person who wants to stay should certainly veto any moves that disrupt the family

I'd hope that any partner cared more about the other's emotional issues than his own career or money.

Can't compare the outcome of not taking the rubbish out with any consequences (if there are any) of OP deciding not to be an isolated expat while her DH works constantly. The later is non essential (it's boils down to wanting extra money), while the former is essential for basic health and cleanliness.

Having read through I have a couple of personal experiences that means this resonates.

1 - I have gone from being entirely career focused (with my own house, car. . Life! ) to an ex-pat SAHM with profound depression and on the other side of the world from my friends and family.

2 - DH is"home", has a good job, enjoys being around his family, and therefore our joint plan to stay here a couple of years have disappeared to be replaced with permanently here with no sign of reprieve.

I think OPs oblique reference to the NY year sound as if she experienced a really awful time. Implicit in her description of this weekend is that it's supposed to help her cope better and by default she hasn't been coping.

I too had a career that involved long long hours, many overseas trips and none of it came close to the problems and responsibilities of being at home.

I think the talking and relate are the best suggestions. I'm interested to know how the weekend came up - did a friend suggest it or (how enlightened! ) a doctor?

Being a SAHP is not the equivalent of doing a job that is intensley stressful and involves working until 10pm every night. She has 2 kids and one is at school. He husband works all the hours god sends to provide for the family. He is watching the kids while she goes away for the weekend, I am not suprised that he is pissed off that she couldn't find a few hours during the week to go to the supermarket and/or cook a few meals to put in the freezer when he obviously has no time whatsoever during the week to prepare. I would have made the same comment in his shoes

"he works until 10pm everynight, and you haven't found time to buy food for the weekend when he is looking after the kids? I think that is very unreasonable."

He won't be working until 10PM at the weekend, there'll be plenty of time for him to sort food. The OP doesn't mention that he has a disability, so I don't think there are any special conditions that he has, that mean he isn't capable of doing normal things like procuring, preparing and cooking food for his own kids.

"I am not going to turn this into a whinge about what I have sacrificed for my marriage and family but I will say that unless you have been there, you can't understand how devastating OP's mind changing will have been for her DH's career"

If your career is dependent on making sure that your partner doesn't have the right to have a life which doesn't totally revolve around you, with no reference to their long term health or welfare, then maybe you need either to find a partner who doesn't mind taking on that role, or find a different career, or resign yourself to the fact that your career isn't going to be as brilliant as you wanted?

Loads of people have to make compromises for the sake of their families. That's life. There's no reason why the person with the brilliant career, should not be expected to make compromises just as much as the person without the brilliant career.

I haven't got anything prepared for this weekends meals.

Funnily enough, I'm going to look through the freezer and cupboards, probably go to the market and supermarket, and then cook it later on today and tomorrow.

I didn't realise I needed to have prepared it earlier on in the week to function at the weekend. I've been doing it this way for years. My my, how hard done by I am, I never realised.

YY to AskBasil's post above. And what Moops seems to be saying is that her husband would have left if she didn't go along with what he wanted. Nice.

Just, quite literally everything AskBasil has said on this thread.