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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should prioritise our anniversary?

124 replies

MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 22:38

I've got a feeling you might all say iabu but hear me out...

It's coming up to BF's and my one year anniversary. I realise on the face of it this wouldn't seem that serious but we have both been unhappily married before and have just 'clicked' with one another so it's gone a little faster than any of my previous relationships. We get on so well and he is a brilliant BF in nearly every respect and like no other guy I've ever met, let alone dated. We're already talking marriage etc.

The problem is that the only weekend we have free to celebrate our anniversary also falls on his friends birthday. We've talked about it a lot and I know he feels torn between the two of us. For the record, he's very romantic and wants to mark the occasion as much as I do but clearly feels an obligation towards his friend.

I'm pretty laid back about most things and certainly don't prevent him from spending time with other people but this has irked a little bit. I think mainly because his friend hasn't been that good to him recently, more or less dumping him since meeting his new GF.

I haven't asked him to prioritise our anniversary because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him but it's kind of soured it for me now anyway and whilst he's suggested we celebrate belatedly, I don't want to now. I guess I feel it's setting the tone for the future and if we don't celebrate the first, we're unlikely to bother in the future.

But AIBU to feel this way? Should I let him know or just get over it?

OP posts:
Rainuntilseptember15 · 15/09/2015 22:40

Do both events take up a full weekend?

Justmuddlingalong · 15/09/2015 22:43

So basically, you're cutting your nose off to spite your face?

simonettavespucci · 15/09/2015 22:46

Can't you do both?

sooperdooper · 15/09/2015 22:46

Can't he do more than one thing over a whole weekend? Has his friend prearranged plans, are you included in those plans too?

I think you're being melodramatic and this doesn't need to be a big deal, arrange something nice to do just because you want to, not just for an anniversary

Original poster
MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 22:47

Not necessarily. His compromise was to stay in a nice hotel on the Friday but we won't get there until late (due to work) and will have to check out at 10am and he needs to be back to meet his friends on the Saturday. The Sunday is out as he will be hungover no doubt.

I've found a really good deal for a hot-tub cabin (something we've both been talking about doing for ages) but you have to book for a minimum of three nights and it's too expensive to justify just a few hours staying there.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/09/2015 22:49

Can you not book the hot tub cabin for another weekend, then you can go for the 3 nights?

ilovesooty · 15/09/2015 22:50

When you said anniversary I thought you meant a significant wedding anniversary or something like that.

Original poster
MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 22:51

No, I'm not included in the birthday plans. As ever, these things have a back story. I've never met this friend because he totally segregates his friends from his new GF. As I said, the friend has been really rubbish lately and BF has been really upset about it. But he makes plans for his birthday 'to make up for it' and my BF hasn't even considered the fact that it was the only weekend we could have made plans.

The other part of the back story is that we are about to move in with my parents to save for a deposit so this will probably be the last time we can afford to do anything nice like this and I'm trying to make the most of the little 'alone' time we'll get for a while.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/09/2015 22:52

Honestly?

Yes YABU

You have been together a year, and its great, so .... great! But I think that you are putting waaay to much importance on what is just an arbitrary date. You can celebrate being together and loving each other any time, why does it have to be on that date?

The fact that his friend has been an arse is a separate issue, and one that your BF must decide on. Clearly he is ok with his mate, so its not your place to judge.

ChristineDePisan · 15/09/2015 22:52

Special late lunch on the Sunday? He has to make sure that he is presentable and able to eat by, say, 2pm - shouldn't be impossible, surely?

Bogeyface · 15/09/2015 22:53

Save the money that you would use for the hot tub weekend and go when you have been at your parents for 3 months, you will appreciate it far more then.

DragonsCanHop · 15/09/2015 22:54

What day is your actual anniversary?

If it's Friday just go out for a meal, I may not be the best person to reply, after 14 years of marriage we just roll with it these days.

BYOSnowman · 15/09/2015 22:54

you sound very childish tbh. you are the person souring things.

if this is a person you want to spend your life with does an anniversary really matter? enjoy everyday and don't get het up over 'special dates' that are in reality meaningless

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 15/09/2015 22:58

I think you are being unreasonable. There are lots of ways to compromise in this situation.

Ask him not to get drunk and go out for wonderful lunch in Sunday? Go somewhere special for the day on Saturday before he goes out.

Pick a weekend in the future and make a weekend of it.

My DH and I had a significant wedding anniversary last year, he had to be away with work that week. No big deal we just celebrated another day.

Celebrating your anniversary is about celebrating the fact you live each other. It's not about making the other person prove They love you by jumping through hoops

sooperdooper · 15/09/2015 22:58

If you've got the money now for the three night break then moving in with your parents to save up is irrelevant, stop making this into more of an issue than necessary!

Book the weekend away another time, this isn't the only time you can spent time together - how can this possibly be the only weekend you can make plans??

You sound very needy, not an attractive trait tbh

Original poster
MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 22:59

Our anniversary falls on the Saturday. I'm trying to be understanding of his predicament, he doesn't know I'm irritated by this, although I've told him I'm disappointed about how the weekend have panned out preventing us from doing something really nice.

I think this boils down to my expectations. My XH never cared about anything like this but I'm very sentimental as if BF so I just assumed he would want to do something as much as me. As it stands, he does want to, but he also wants to celebrate with his friend (and I do understand, I'm just pissed off about it Grin). I'll probably be more relaxed about future anniversaries, I just feel like it's quite an important one being the first.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 15/09/2015 23:00

you want to spend your life with does an anniversary really matter? enjoy everyday and don't get het up over 'special dates' that are in reality meaningless

Yes absolutely, people are more important than dates

RomComPhooey · 15/09/2015 23:02

My DH and I had a significant wedding anniversary last year, he had to be away with work that week. No big deal we just celebrated another day.

Same here. It's just a date. Not buggering up the relationship over something avoidable is more important IMO.

iamanintrovert · 15/09/2015 23:03

No, you're not being unreasonable. But his actions are telling you that he's not as invested in the relationship yet as you are. Don't move in with him yet or buy a house yet. Keep it sweet and light but don't give all of yourself to this man yet.

ThoseAwfulCurtains · 15/09/2015 23:04

You're sounding like bloody hard work tbh. He's been your BF for 1 year (assuming that means boyfriend which is weird in itself if you're adults) What will he need to pull out of the bag for your 25th wedding anniversary?Grin

Original poster
MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 23:06

I think the moving thing is relevant - we're doing it to save up a deposit so literally every penny will go into savings. We are only allowed to stay for a year so we have to make every month count. We've both got a bit of money now as we're living separately (although spend a lot of time together) and our money is our own currently. This will obviously have to change.

I do find it amusing that you all think I'm needy based on this. its the first time I've had a strong feeling on any issue related to BF. The rest of the time I'm happy for him to do his own thing. And venting here is not making him jump through hoops - that would be demanding he doesn't drink on his friends birthday when I know that's what he'll be wanting to do.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 15/09/2015 23:08

but I'm very sentimental as if BF so I just assumed he would want to do something as much as me. I think you are building the whole 1 year together anniversary thing up. Him, not so much.

Original poster
MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 23:09

You can't win on here - I've been slated for using the term DP before. We don't live together and we're not married so what should I call him?

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 15/09/2015 23:11

i just think this is a bit of game playing and almost a test for him to see if he is as committed as you.

not telling him how you feel isn't good either though. much better to say ' you know, i would have loved to spend our first anniversary away together and i'm disappointed we can't, but i know your friends are important to you and we have plenty more weekends to celebrate so i'll get over it'

TRexingInAsda · 15/09/2015 23:13

I think you need to reduce your aim from a weekend away to a meal out. It's not nice that he's prioritised something else, but if you didn't tell him how important it was to you (so as not to pressure him) then you can't be surprised he hasn't realised it was that important. For most people, a meal out on the Friday or Saturday would be a perfectly nice anniversary celebration.

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