To think he should prioritise our anniversary?

[MumMumMUUUM]

I've got a feeling you might all say iabu but hear me out...

It's coming up to BF's and my one year anniversary. I realise on the face of it this wouldn't seem that serious but we have both been unhappily married before and have just 'clicked' with one another so it's gone a little faster than any of my previous relationships. We get on so well and he is a brilliant BF in nearly every respect and like no other guy I've ever met, let alone dated. We're already talking marriage etc.

The problem is that the only weekend we have free to celebrate our anniversary also falls on his friends birthday. We've talked about it a lot and I know he feels torn between the two of us. For the record, he's very romantic and wants to mark the occasion as much as I do but clearly feels an obligation towards his friend.

I'm pretty laid back about most things and certainly don't prevent him from spending time with other people but this has irked a little bit. I think mainly because his friend hasn't been that good to him recently, more or less dumping him since meeting his new GF.

I haven't asked him to prioritise our anniversary because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him but it's kind of soured it for me now anyway and whilst he's suggested we celebrate belatedly, I don't want to now. I guess I feel it's setting the tone for the future and if we don't celebrate the first, we're unlikely to bother in the future.

But AIBU to feel this way? Should I let him know or just get over it?

You do sound very needy and you are making obstacles for your DP where there aren't any.

Your reasons for the hot tub weekend don't make sense. Between now and the next 13 months when you have to move out of your parents you will have X money coming in. Whether you spend this 300 pounds now or in 2 months when you're living with them to save makes heehaw difference. You simply say to your parents "I got a deal on line for this weekend but we need to go in a few months". Makes no difference to your finances, whether you will be pooling money then, or your parents, actually it's better that way for both of you.

You are literally making up shit reasons why this is the only weekend you can do this - I suspect so that if/when your DP goes to this birthday he's fully aware of how much he's "let you down ", when in reality, it's a non-date, that you could go out for dinner for, or do a following weekend (oh but we have to PACK... You start packing this weekend then and get a head start).

You haven't even booked it yet, or decided you were definitely doing this hot tub thing for your anniversary. You have just decided, now that he can't through no fault of his own, that it is what you were doing and you'd been looking forward to it for a year to be a drama queen.

Is a 'hot tub weekend' a thing anyway? I mean, it sounds pretty dull to me.

OP you've asked if YABU. Most of people have said yes, you are. So you come back with more and more and more reasons why YANBU. Really, what's the point. I can feel my life ebbing away even typing this.

Why do you have to move in with your parents to save money? Can you not give up one of your places and move in to the other?

To be honest, if I was him, I would rather do my last ever evening out with friends before going to live under the scrutiny of Needy Girlfriends parents, than a weekend away with you.

I can't get my head around the living together for the first time at your parents house!!! The stress of that while scrimping and saving sounds like a nightmare............

Me and DH lived with my parents for 9 months while we were doing up a house walking distance from them............it was the hardest and most stressful time of our marriage.

I think you are being unreasonable in building up this 1 year anniversary into something bigger than it is. Why can't you have a 3 night break while staying with your parents? You are going to need that time alone!

personally think YABU - I have been with DP for 5 years and don't really class anniversary's as anything, but maybe that's just us. If we were married it would mean more.

If you want to save for a house then how about the £500 you'd spend on a weekend away with a hot tub opens up a savings account towards your deposit?

And if you must celebrate it, why does it have to be that exact weekend? why not the one before or after his friends birthday?

You know OP, I think you need to come clean about your age. Your OP screams 18 year old and first new "big" relationships, despite what you say about having been married before. I think you still live at home, and your boyfriend is moving in with you.

You will be getting much better advice if you are honest about your circumstances. There are plenty of really young mums here, plenty of young women who are not mums have come here for advice in the past.

Many of us are the same age as your own mum or even gran, and some even are true fountains of wisdom, but some of us can be rude and outspoken if something reads rather ridiculous.

There is a massive difference between a 30-40 something year old woman behaving like a needy teenager, and an insecure young woman embarking on her first serious relationship.

I wish you all the best!

Yes yabu

Hands.op a gentle grip

Just wondering too, as your name is mum mum muuuuum where are your kids?

I still don't understand why you can't just go for a meal on the Friday night

In your shoes I would stay at home on the Friday night and so something really nice there- cook a posh meal etc and then on the Saturday morning go to the bank together and set up a joint savings account and put the money you've saved from not going away in to start your savings. You'll be really glad of it when you're able to buy somewhere sooner or buy a bit of extra furniture.

I think you've had a really hard time here OP. You should have posted in Relationships.

The point everyone seems to be missing is that to her, this anniversary is important. The OP has said she doesn't bother much about birthdays, but she does care about this anniversary.
It doesn't matter what the rest of us think about that, what is important is that the BF knows this is important to the OP, has talked about organising it for months and has now chooses to spend the day and night with his friend who the OP hadn't even met, knowing that they can't go away for a weekend for at least a year.

I would feel very let down in your circumstance too.
I really do think you need to have another conversation with him. Tell him he has the impression to you for months, that he wanted to go away for this weekend and you feel really let down. You have to be honest with him.

The other thing to consider is that if it's his friends birthday at the same time as your anniversary, is this situation going to arise next year?

Excuse typos!

Why not have a romantic breakfast on the Saturday, then go somewhere really nice the weekend after. I don't see any issue?

You say his friend has been absent lately due to a 'new' gf, but to his friend you are still a relatively new gf too and if he doesn't turn up to the birthday he will be doing the exact same thing you're complaining that his friend does.
I hadn't met all of DP's friends by a year together, I worked weekends, DP didn't so saw his friends then. In an adult relationship these things are not a big deal, priorities are - buying a house should be the priority not a weekend splurge, moving in together (not sure why into your parents when you both have your own houses, moving into one would save a lot)

Don't get me wrong - to buy our house DP and I moved in with his DF for a year to save our deposit, we had rented together for a while first to make sure that we could live together. In that time we would have killed for a weekend to ourselves, and it nearly broke us - but a year on it was the best thing we could have done so I'm not slating the saving. It's your NEED for this weekend instead of allowing compromise.

I don't think anyone's given her a hard time (or not on the whole anyway) and if she'd posted in relationships I'd've said exactly the same thing.

Even with your points on it being important etc etc I still think that causing an issue about a date because for some reason it has to be celebrated exactly on that date is silly. The anniversary is important, of course, but it's the marking of it that should be important.

OP you either have to decide to let it go because you think it's the most reasonable thing to do, or, if you think it's going to be a big problem for you, you will have to be honest about it. You can't have it both ways or you will be setting him up to fail. If it will upset you and make you seethe then it's better to discuss it and make him aware, so that he at least can make an informed decision knowing just how important it is to you to celebrate it on this particular weekend.

At the end of the day you have to be true to who you are, so if it is extremely important to you that he makes you top priority the weekend of your anniversary then you are perfectly entitled to make that clear.

But I still think you need to have a kind word with yourself

I'm afraid I agree with others who've said you sound incredibly needy and somewhat immature.
Later this year I'll have been married 25 years. It's the first one we've acknowledged, never mind celebrated. We are marking it a full 3 weeks before the event because that's how it worked out - it's the marking of the event NOT the doing something on the exact hour! We are confident in our relationship despite all the ups and downs that a life together brings.
I feel that celebrating a year of going out is just too twee and silly for words and you hanging on to this concept for dear life looks to me like a big red flag for your 'BF'.

I think mainly because his friend hasn't been that good to him recently, more or less dumping him since meeting his new GF.

Isn't that exactly what you are wanting your boyfriend to do?

Oops sorry mum for you referring to you in the third person! Was going to edit that and forgot

Where have I said that ianbu? I said I thought you'd all post to say IABU. I just forgot how 'robust' AIBU is. I was having a rant/vent and have been replying to people's suggestions which won't work and expanding on my feelings. So, I'll just post one last essay as this is helping ME to understand my feelings on this.

We are not skint, we can afford this weekend away. We could save up without moving in with my parents but it will take several years instead of one. Our spending will not be scrutinised - we have discussed all finances and decided how much we will have to spend on ourselves. Yes, we could book for in a few months time but where will our spending money come from at that point? Even so, I wanted to celebrate our anniversary around the date of our anniversary as needy as you all think that makes me. A trip away will be nice but doesn't solve my issues with this now.

I get while you all think I'm being needy based on this one thread but you couldn't be more wrong. It is my BF who is wanting us to save up and get a house. It was his suggestion that we move in with my parents. I was more reluctant as I'm happy in my secure rented house but he is desperate to get on the housing ladder so I've tried to accommodate his wishes since we'll be doing it at some point anyway. His living situation isn't as happy/secure as mine either so this will help him out. He really, really wants to start a family with me as soon as possible. We've had to compromise on this as I'd rather be married for a little while first. Contrary to the Bridget Jones theory - I was very happy being single when I met him. I was only looking for a casual relationship but as I said before, we clicked and both of us have fallen for each other. It was not what I was expecting to happen.

I've thought about it too and actually I would be more ok with this if his friend wasn't being such a dick. He whines to me about him then goes running the second he decides to make plans. And no I don't think I'm being a hypocrite - he sees his friends all the time and could see them on another weekend. I know for a fact his friend would prioritise his anniversary. MN is the only place I know where you shouldn't bither with birthdays and anniversaries. It is common in my circle to mark these occasions. And this hasn't just happened - we've been discussing this for a while. It's just getting closer and so I'm feeling upset about it now.

Some people say I should talk to him as it doesn't bode well for our future if I feel I can't, others say I will spoil the relationship if I bring up this needy/selfish/childish issue. The reason I don't want to be honest is not because I feel like I cant, it's because I know he will cancel on his friend, spend the weekend with me but be feeling bad about his friend. I don't want that to happen so I've told him I'm dissappointed in a non-blame way instead of telling him just how upset I am. We are very good communicators so I've no worries there.

So obviously I am being unreasonable to care so much about this but it is literally the first time I've had any strong feelings about my needs versus his. And it's so far from what I expected of him. I really thought this would come above a weekend with his friends. If the situation was reversed, I'd prioritise our anniversary and my friends would be ok with that. I'm used to being able to compromise with him but on this occasion there isn't a compromise available that I'm happy with. It's fine, I have and am sucking that up which is why I've agreed to his compromise of a few hours in a hotel.

I'm early 30s, he's older. The weekend away I've found is a cancellation so much much cheaper than the normal cost. No where near £500.

Kids?

I can understand where you're coming from, please don't misunderstand me on that.

All you can do is let him know and see how he decides to play it.

But if it's such an important issue to you and he decides to bail then actually I think you will need to think very carefully if this is the right relationship for you. Just because I think you're being unreasonable doesn't mean I dont think your feelings are valid and important. And especially if you've been in a relationship before where your feelings and opinions where constantly invalidated, I actually think is is more important than it could look at first glance.

I have to be honest and say I'm wondering why you're letting him decide to that you both ought to move in with parents and save for a house when actually you're quite happy with the way things are now - to me that seems much more of a dangerous way in which to let your own opinions be invalidated, with far more potentially negative repercussions..

Also, just to be clear, I love celebrating milestones and I would also be sentimental about a first anniversary. I don't disagree with your wanting to mark it.