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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should prioritise our anniversary?

124 replies

MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 22:38

I've got a feeling you might all say iabu but hear me out...

It's coming up to BF's and my one year anniversary. I realise on the face of it this wouldn't seem that serious but we have both been unhappily married before and have just 'clicked' with one another so it's gone a little faster than any of my previous relationships. We get on so well and he is a brilliant BF in nearly every respect and like no other guy I've ever met, let alone dated. We're already talking marriage etc.

The problem is that the only weekend we have free to celebrate our anniversary also falls on his friends birthday. We've talked about it a lot and I know he feels torn between the two of us. For the record, he's very romantic and wants to mark the occasion as much as I do but clearly feels an obligation towards his friend.

I'm pretty laid back about most things and certainly don't prevent him from spending time with other people but this has irked a little bit. I think mainly because his friend hasn't been that good to him recently, more or less dumping him since meeting his new GF.

I haven't asked him to prioritise our anniversary because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him but it's kind of soured it for me now anyway and whilst he's suggested we celebrate belatedly, I don't want to now. I guess I feel it's setting the tone for the future and if we don't celebrate the first, we're unlikely to bother in the future.

But AIBU to feel this way? Should I let him know or just get over it?

OP posts:

MakeItACider · 16/09/2015 09:56

OP, i can understand your disappointment. But your BF (a completely appropriate term, ignore anyone that says otherwise because you're right, you can'twin on that!) sounds as though he's trying to salvage a friendship that means a great deal to him, make or break time. I'll bet in the back of his mind he's hoping that he will be able to get the friendship back on track after the celebration, and probaly also hoping that his friend will be persuaded to go out with you guys as couple friends in the future.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2015 10:15

I've been with my DP for over 4 years (2 years properly and don't ask!)
And I would still always put my friends birthday celebrations over our anniversary.

Cook a nice meal together on the Friday night and have an 'early night'
Then on Sunday afternoon go out for a nice drink in a pub and maybe get something to eat.

Let him be with his friend for his celebrations.

Do not make a mountain out of a molehill (blah blah blah)

BYOSnowman · 16/09/2015 11:16

If they are watching a match then it suggests this weekend can't be rearranged - just pick another date.

Are you paying rent to your parents? I'm sure they would rather spent any weekends away during the time you are living with them!

EasterRobin · 16/09/2015 11:52

Controversially, i'm going to say YANBU. If your BF agreed to go on a hot tub weekend on this particular weekend, and is now cancelling I think it is reasonable for you to be a bit pissed off. Particularly if HE hasn't rearranged it for another time.

Hot tub weekend sounds great - I hope you get to do it sometime. Albeit not now.

NuggetofPurestGreen · 16/09/2015 11:53

I'm at this thread. I don't really celebrate birthdays, don't care for Christmas, NY, completely ignore valentines but the one thing I do like to mark is the anniversary of my DP and I meeting. We even did it after one year. It's the most significant meeting of my life this far. It only counts if you're married??! BS.

Anyway. OP, I can understand why you're upset but I don't think it's worth making a big deal out of it. What would annoy me is your BF doesn't seem to even want to go to the birthday but doesn't want to say no. Agree you should just go for a nice dinner Friday night (and it will be your anniversary after midnight).

carabos · 16/09/2015 11:56

YABU. He's your boyfriend, you don't live together, it's not an anniversary. You sound about 14. .

ferretyfeet · 16/09/2015 12:03

For goodness sake I thought it was your silver wedding anniversary or something.Get over it

HolgerDanske · 16/09/2015 12:06

I do agree that if he's been vaguely saying 'yes dear' every time you've discussed this trip away (and provided you've been clear that it must happen on this particular weekend and not just on a convenient date near-ish to the date you want to mark), when all along he's known that it's his friend's birthday and there would be a clash between the two on the given weekend, then he is being very unreasonable and inconsiderate to back out now.

But it's telling that you said you thought that there would be a consensus on answers. I think you know you're being a little bit silly about it.

definiteissues · 16/09/2015 12:07

You are absolutely cutting off your nose to spite your face.
You are making it all or nothing.
He has tried to make your anniversary special AND make his friend happyhappy by taking you away on the Friday and seeing his friend on the Saturday but you have decided that isn't good enough.

Stop being childish, go away on the Friday and enjoy your anniversary

WhitePhantom · 16/09/2015 13:06

I think you sound determined to be very negative about anything that doesn't comply with exactly what you want.

A night away in a hotel is 'a few hours in a hotel', when you have to contend with 'rush hour traffic' and 'an early check-out on Saturday' because he has to 'get back to meet his friend'.

You could both look at taking a half day on Friday to avoid rush hour traffic.

You could go somewhere closer so that you're not travelling all evening.

You could request a late check-out on the Saturday morning.

You could spend Saturday afternoon doing something together.

You could spend Sunday afternoon doing something together.

But it seems that no matter what compromise anyone (including you bf) suggests, it won't be good enough for you if you're insisting on all or nothing. It's like the old thing of "if you want to you'll find a way, and if you don't want to you'll find an excuse".

Also, the fact that he's pushing this relationship ahead harder than you're ready for would worry me a bit... he's pushing to move in with your parents, get a house, have kids... all as soon as possible. Sounds slightly controlling and worrying to me.

And fwiw, DH and I (married 17 years next week) always go out to celebrate the night we 'got together' having known each other as friends for about a year and a half previously. (Awww!) And that was 20 years ago in Feb just gone, but it was the best thing that ever happened to either of us, so I do understand making a big deal of special dates. But just forget about this idea that it has to be all or nothing!

bettyberry · 16/09/2015 13:16

OP, as much as I want to spend my 1 year together with my OH I can't because you know... Life happens and sometimes its a bit shit but you know what. The OH and I have still made plans to celebrate it a few weeks later than planned.

I don't think I need to remind you its not what day you actually celebrate it but the fact you do and do it together!

I'm not going to make my OH feel shit about it because he lost his job, something else has come up on that day and he can't be here thats just selfish.

TendonQueen · 16/09/2015 13:36

WhitePhantom has posted very sensibly about this above. It's fine to celebrate anniversaries (and there are a ton of joyless types on here who must really irritate their family and friends with that attitude) but it would make sense to compromise and not be so extreme about the format of the weekend. Is your hotel far from his friend's house? I would spend Saturday at your hotel, pay for a late check out, then drop him at the friend's. In fact, I'd be saying really cheerfully that you'd like to come to the friend's do with him, even if you don't do the staying up all night bit. I think that would be a reasonable compromise on your boyfriend's part: he may want to see his friend, but I don't see why he should go along with his friend's desire to cut you out. Then you can pick things up and go for a nice romantic breakfast on Sunday

Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2015 14:10

Please don't invite yourself to the 'boys night'. Cheerfully or otherwise.

TendonQueen · 16/09/2015 14:16

Who said it was a boys' night? Isn't the friend's girlfriend going to be there? It was a mixed gathering of old friends, but this friend had decided he didn't want OP coming. That's something I don't think her bf should be going along with.

Theycallmemellowjello · 16/09/2015 14:22

Yabu, just celebrate the following weekend.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/09/2015 14:24

Reading the thread, it's a friends get together to watch sport through the night? I presumed it's a boys night. Perhaps I presumed wrong, but I read it as the friend's Gf won't be there either.

HolgerDanske · 16/09/2015 14:35

If other girlfriends/partners/wives and or friends, male and female, will be there as well but you just aren't invited and your boyfriend's ok with that then I'd have much more of a problem with it and I'd definitely not be happy.

TendonQueen · 16/09/2015 14:44

I thought somewhere OP had said friend's girlfriend would be there.

kslatts · 16/09/2015 14:46

YABU, and come across as very needy.

If I had been with someone for a year and they wanted me to miss a good friends birthday celebration to celebrate our anniversary of meeting I would run a mile.

whois · 16/09/2015 15:43

You can't win on here - I've been slated for using the term DP before. We don't live together and we're not married so what should I call him?

I know right? Say DP and people are all like 'he's not your PARTNER he's just a boyfriend" and use boyfriend and you get "what are you, 15???"

Boyfriend is a perfectly reasonable term to use as an adult.

But I do think you're making a molehill out of this. Just choose another weekend at some other point in time when you can go to the hot tub place for a weekend away. Doesn't need to be linked to the 1 year anniversary.

AyeAmarok · 17/09/2015 18:39

WhitePhantom post is spot on.

You are being a big negative nelly.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/09/2015 19:09

I've only read the first couple of pages, so sorry if things have moved along, but I have to go out in a minute and felt compelled to post!

OP, I don't think it's weird to call him BF or DP or to celebrate your 'anniversary' just because you're not married. Anniversary is the yearly celebration of a special date - it doesn't have to be a wedding. We all have different relationships and how we refer to our loved ones is nobody else's business.

As a 40 year old calling my partner my boyfriend feels weird, but then partner sounds too official and we don't live together so I don't know what the MN acronym police expect people like us to do!

Anyway, DP and I are about to celebrate our 3rd anniversary. We won't be able to get married for several years due to each having our own homes and DCs whom we don't want to uproot, so for us the date we met is a significant one and will continue to be until we are actually in a position to get married at some point in the distant future.

However, having children, we can't always get the exact day free. I only get one child free night per week and he has his DCs 50/50 so the chances of our nights off colliding are slim!

I am unable to celebrate on our actual anniversary this year so we will go out the night before. We don't need to buy each other presents, but might just get a little token something. It doesn't have to be a big all-singing all-dancing weekend away, it's just a night out to mark the date we remember as being very special.

FWIW my ex didn't do special occasions either, he thought it was all a big cynical marketing con by Hallmark etc. The only cynical thing was his attitude. It doesn't need to cost lots of money to say I love you, but taking the time to acknowledge that your relationship is special means a lot. We all have different languages of love, for some people it is verbal, for some it is about loving touch, for others romantic gestures or gifts etc that show your partner was thinking about you. Just because some people don't need those things to feel loved, your need to celebrate this date is no less valid.

You need to talk to your DP, stating that you are disappointed but you realise that the conflict over dates is also tricky for him, tell him that you'd really like to do something to celebrate and maybe book the hot tub cabin as a gift and you can go another weekend?

Otherwise, just enjoy whatever celebration you are able to make time for. Finding someone you connect with is a real gift and some people may have taken this for granted a bit with their posts. When you have been in an awful relationship it is not unreasonable to want to make a fuss once you're in a great one!

Bogeyface · 17/09/2015 19:12

I cant see that the OP said the GF would be there, she said that the friend keeps his GF totally separate from his friends, so I very much doubt she will be there. Although I want to tell her that his keeping her from meeting his friends is a big red flag.......

MsPavlichenko · 17/09/2015 19:38

I don't think that the communication between you is great at all. You are very clued up as to what he wants/needs/thinks, but don't want to upset him by asking him to do what you want (whether weekend away or moving in with parents). You say that this is because you'll feel guilty if he does what you wish. Huge red flag for controlling behaviour by him. Moving in with your parents seems bizarre, when you are happy to wait another year or two.

For what it is worth, if I were your folks, I'd be delighted if you both went away a weekend further down the line, so that we could have a weekend (noisy sex) to ourselves.

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