To think he should prioritise our anniversary?

[MumMumMUUUM]

I've got a feeling you might all say iabu but hear me out...

It's coming up to BF's and my one year anniversary. I realise on the face of it this wouldn't seem that serious but we have both been unhappily married before and have just 'clicked' with one another so it's gone a little faster than any of my previous relationships. We get on so well and he is a brilliant BF in nearly every respect and like no other guy I've ever met, let alone dated. We're already talking marriage etc.

The problem is that the only weekend we have free to celebrate our anniversary also falls on his friends birthday. We've talked about it a lot and I know he feels torn between the two of us. For the record, he's very romantic and wants to mark the occasion as much as I do but clearly feels an obligation towards his friend.

I'm pretty laid back about most things and certainly don't prevent him from spending time with other people but this has irked a little bit. I think mainly because his friend hasn't been that good to him recently, more or less dumping him since meeting his new GF.

I haven't asked him to prioritise our anniversary because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him but it's kind of soured it for me now anyway and whilst he's suggested we celebrate belatedly, I don't want to now. I guess I feel it's setting the tone for the future and if we don't celebrate the first, we're unlikely to bother in the future.

But AIBU to feel this way? Should I let him know or just get over it?

Yes it is odd that I haven't met this particular friend but that's down to the friend being shit and cancelling or making up excuses. This is the brilliant friend who will apparently be his best man but can't even be arsed to meet me. I'm irritated that he is worried about upsetting him when the friend clearly doesn't give a shit. Hard for me to judge as I don't know him but bf talks about him a lot and how he doesn't understand why he's being so shit lately. But clearly he's more worried about pissing him off than me.

Clearly I'm going to have to adjust my expectations because what I thought was happening isn't. Being upset is part of the adjustment period surely?

Bogey, yes, I am a pessimist (or realist as I prefer it). Is this not a legitimate life view?

I'm ok with booking for later but then spending money might be an issue at that point and it wouldn't feel like it was marking our anniversary then. Our anniversary is this month.

I don't want it to be perfect, I want it to be what we've been talking about for the best part of a year. What I meant by 'the best it's going to get' is the honeymoon phase stuff. I've no doubt in our compatibility and him as a genuine and decent person so I know we'll be generally happy on a day to day basis.

When you say that spending money might be an issue, what do you mean? Because if you mean that your parents will be peering over your shoulder and wondering why they are letting you live with them to save up, only for you to be going on expensive weekends - then this goes some way to explaining your desperation to have this weekend away.

Also - you have been planning your 1st date (or whatever) anniversary for nearly a year? In other words, since just after you met? Have I understood that correctly?

Yes Ali. Even if we book and pay for it now, we'll still need spending money whilst away for food and things which will look hugely disrespectful to my parents as they are doing this as a huge favour to us.

No, not planning as such. It was more that he mentioned that doing a hot tub break would be really good and something we should definitely do this year. At some point it was kind of semi-acknowledged that we would save that for our anniversary. So in my head, we were going to be doing that or something similar. As I said before, he's quite disorganised so obviously hadn't thought about it or discussed it when his friend made the birthday plans.

Trying to be objective about this the choice appears to boil down to trying to maintain one of your DPs friendships versus having a hot tub break on the weekend of your anniversary.

Sentimental as I am, I think that trying to maintain a friendship is more important than a hot tub break, even if it does fall on your anniversary weekend.

Personally, as a sentimentalist, I would aim to mark the anniversary by doing something that was directly related to what you did when you first met. So, for example, one year after I first got in contact with my [now] DW I sent her a text that paraphrased the start of my first dating site message to her.

Could you go out somewhere earlier on the Saturday that would recall your first meeting? Another thing I might do in your situation would be to surprise your DP by sending a card/leaving a note/whatever to mark the "anniversary" after 50 weeks, rather than 1 year - the period of time is a bit arbitrary anyway, so why not choose something different?

I don't understand the significance of the move tbh. Surely if you need to save a lot of money in a tight timescale you'd already be starting to get up on the game? Rather than spending freely on weekends away or big anniversary plans?

I also don't understand why you need a weekend away because you are sentimental/romantic or whatever. Surely there are loads of romantic things to do Friday night and Saturday morning without spending a fortune?

I do get being upset if things have been changed last minute but it doesn't really sound like they have. More that you'd discussed an idea. You've nothing booked yet?

Finally, there is more than one hot tub cabin style place, look for one closer to home that does single nights?

knittingdad, I suppose in some respects I do feel like he has 'chosen' his friend although I know this is irrational. He could actually see his friend on another weekend, as he has some free time on other weekends which I dont. In fact, I'm pretty sure he'll be seeing the friend the following weekend unless he cancels again.

If I was so inclined, I could just tell him that this is important to me and I know he would then go away with me that weekend but as it stands, I have told him that whilst I'm disappointed, I understand why he wants to also see his friend on his birthday and that he would just be worrying about it anyway if he cancelled on him.

This is why I can't admit just how upset I am about it - because I know he would then cancel on the friend but feel guilty about it. This is what I mean by it being soured. Imo, he cares too much about what shit friend thinks. In my ideal world, he would prioritise our anniversary. I think in a similar situation, my friends would be understanding.

Any way I look at it, at least one of us will be upset/disappointed/feeling guilty that weekend. I have put his feelings above mine which is why I'm posting here instead of venting at him although I have explained my disappointment just not my annoyance.

I'm rambling now. I just would have preferred it if it had been what I expected and we could have created some nice memories but I know it's not his fault that the weekends have fallen as they have. It's not a deal breaker for me or anything like that, but upsetting nonetheless. I will still get him a present and a card.

ican, we agreed that we would pool our money once we'd moved into my parents to give us time to save up some personal savings or be frivolous before the hardship, whichever we saw fit. That is why the date is relevant.

I don't NEED a weekend, it's just what I thought was happening. If it had been made clear that we would just be going for dinner or something, that would be the limit of my expectations.

Things haven't changed last minute but my bf is not very organised so I expected that we would sort it closer to the time. I did mebtion it a few times and he would something along the lines of 'yes, we need to look at that'. Because I know how he is, I didn't worry too much that nothing was booked. Then he told me about his friends birthday plans in a kind of 'oh shit, I have this to go to so what will we do about our anniversary' way.

I have spend ages and ages trawling the net for hot tub lodges and hotels. I have found only a few that aren't already booked, are cheap and close enough. Also never come across one that doesn't have at least a three night minimum stay. We could stay in a hotel of course which is BF's suggestion. I've agreed to this but in reality it will be travelling there after work in Friday Rush hour and checking out early the next day for him to get back. As I say, I've agreed to do this and I'm sure I'll enjoy but it was not what was discussed or promised and that's why I'm disappointed. Bf is too but doesn't want to annoy his friend.

He's talking the talk with you. Planning the weekend, hot tubs, he wants to mark this anniversary too blah blah. He's still spending it with his friend though......

The only people I know who celebrate daying anniversaries are teenagers, a year dating as an adult is nothing.

It sounds a bit too needy and clingy to me.

Yabu to go away for a weekend just before you move in with your parents to save up

Yabu to care so much about one year anniversary

You do sound quite childish with rose tinted specs on

I don't get it.

If you're that broke that you need to move in with your parents to save money, surely you can't afford to spend money on a weekend away? And I wouldn't expect something that expensive for a one year anniversary with someone I'm not even living with - can't you just go out for a nice meal somewhere on Friday night and then see him for a cosy night in on the Sunday after he's seen his mates?

Does it REALLY matter that you don't go out for the whole weekend when you'll be moving in together soon and seeing him every single night?

I think mainly because his friend hasn't been that good to him recently, more or less dumping him since meeting his new GF.

But isn't this a mirror of what you want your BF to do, dump his friend's birthday celebration because he's met his new GF i.e. you? Your first "anniversary" is clearly very important to you so I get the impression you'd have expected him to spend that weekend with you regardless of how his friend had been behaving.

Nothing wrong with being sentimental about dates, I am too in my own relationship, but I think you are being a tad hypocritical here.

Just keep pretending you are ok with it and get over it. Otherwise you are going to sour your entire relationship with childish and immature expectations and sentiment.

FGS. People are telling you that YABU, you need to let it go, and you keep coming back with essays detailing that no, no, you're totally not BU, honest!

I agree with the majority here. Do something another day, get over it. He sounds like a wonderful DP, you've talked about it, he's said he feels bad but feels he has an obligation to his friend. He's trying to juggle a busy life. That's what people in the real world do. He;s not ignoring you or marginalising your feelings. It this worth getting so invested in and upset about? The actual day you celebrate doesn't matter.

And please don't reply to this with another "Yes, but ..." essay. YABU. You asked, there's your answer, swallow it and move on.

What will he need to pull out of the bag for your 25th wedding anniversary? this made me smile, we were on holiday in NZ for our recent 25th anniversary, in a camper van.... we had planned to be in a nice town somewhere for a nice meal out to celebrate and I took a nice outfit, guess what.... ended up on a night Kiwi tour stood in mud surrounded by mozzies wearing a fleece and a bush hat still love him though (and we saw the kiwis)

I sympathise with "no free weekends", but think you are being a bit silly about the money.

If you can afford a weekend away now, get the money and put it in an envelope (or a saving account) and then use it later.

Moving to a state of "now every penny must be saved" doesn't have to apply to money that has already been allocated.

I would book the cabin for the week before or after and have a lovely time. It isn't about the actual date, it's about marking the start of your relationship and sharing happy memories and you can do that at any time around the date. I can kind of understand that it bothers you but I think it's more about your ex and it's not fair to bring that into this relationship. But honestly, it's really important not to attach too much importance to the exact date as that's not what it's about.

Together a year. Already pretending you don't feel something when you definitely do. Hiding the truth from your potential life-partner so as not to upset him.

I couldn't even tell you when our first date anniversary is, or when we got engaged. Neither of us remember.

Sorry hadn't RTFT when I commented.

If it's problematic to book the weekend before or after, have a nice dinner out in the evening of the day and then mark it properly later on. It's really childish and quite unreasonable to be so rigid about the actual date and it also sets you up for being constantly angry/disappointed/unreasonably upset throughout your life. It's the thought that counts, not the number on a calendar.

YABU. This isn't a 25th wedding anniversary.

The more you save money now, the quicker you will be able to move out of your parents' house and into your own home together. So perhaps you could view this as doing you a favour? Just go out for dinner on the Friday, and have a nice time for the rest of the weekend whilst you're together.

In a relationship, it really is important not to try to interfere in each other's friendships. If watching this event overnight is part of BF and his friend's regular tradition, I think that's not something you should demand that he abandon for what is, in the greater scheme of things, not a massively important anniversary.

I don't think celebrating your anniversary is the important issue here, it is your boyfriend's attitude to his relationship with this mysterious friend that you haven't met, and whose birthday takes precedence over your plans. Sorry, but boyfriend sounds as though he isn't ready to settle down yet; might be good to postpone moving in with your parents.

I really think that if you can't talk about something so trivial, then why on earth are you moving in with him? The guy is failing against a set of criteria that he isn't even aware of yet.
You need to discuss how you feel, and think long and hard about why you've spent so much time and effort thinking about this weekend, without ever nailing a date in the diary.

I also think that if that is the basis on which you are moving in with your parents, then things are not going to be on a very easy footing. Will you be freaking out at him every time he spends money which is your eyes isn't necessary, incase your mum and dad get upset? My DH has an excellent relationship with my parents, and is extremely easy going - even he would struggle with feeling like his PILs were keeping a beady eye on his spending.

The way this reads to me, is that you have an agenda for the relationship which is all a bit Bridget Jones. Mini-breaks and immediate saving up for a marital home. Before you go galloping off into the sunset, just make sure that your BF is on the same page as you - not just in what he is saying to you, but in what he is actually doing.