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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should prioritise our anniversary?

124 replies

MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 22:38

I've got a feeling you might all say iabu but hear me out...

It's coming up to BF's and my one year anniversary. I realise on the face of it this wouldn't seem that serious but we have both been unhappily married before and have just 'clicked' with one another so it's gone a little faster than any of my previous relationships. We get on so well and he is a brilliant BF in nearly every respect and like no other guy I've ever met, let alone dated. We're already talking marriage etc.

The problem is that the only weekend we have free to celebrate our anniversary also falls on his friends birthday. We've talked about it a lot and I know he feels torn between the two of us. For the record, he's very romantic and wants to mark the occasion as much as I do but clearly feels an obligation towards his friend.

I'm pretty laid back about most things and certainly don't prevent him from spending time with other people but this has irked a little bit. I think mainly because his friend hasn't been that good to him recently, more or less dumping him since meeting his new GF.

I haven't asked him to prioritise our anniversary because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him but it's kind of soured it for me now anyway and whilst he's suggested we celebrate belatedly, I don't want to now. I guess I feel it's setting the tone for the future and if we don't celebrate the first, we're unlikely to bother in the future.

But AIBU to feel this way? Should I let him know or just get over it?

OP posts:

Morganly · 15/09/2015 23:16

Your anniversary is something you have made up in your head. What is it the anniversary of? First sight, first conversation, first date, first kiss, first shag, first I love you? Anniversaries are wedding anniversaries. Anything else is just being silly. You are being silly. He is a brilliant boyfriend in every respect and has suggested celebrating your mythical pretend anniversary on another date than the one you have made up in your head but you don't want to because you are being a prima donna. Get over yourself.

rainpouringrainbows · 15/09/2015 23:17

YABU

Anyone else thought about that episode from Friends:

^Phoebe: Yes, I do! Today is Mike and my one-year anniversary.
Rachel: OH! What's it the anniversary of? Your first date, your first kiss, first time you had sex...
Phoebe: YEAH!^

Be sentimental, but focus on what's important.

steff13 · 15/09/2015 23:19

I've never met this friend because he totally segregates his friends from his new GF.

This confuses me. If you've been with your boyfriend for a year, and this is a new girlfriend, haven't you had ample opportunity to meet the friend?

Weathergames · 15/09/2015 23:19

Seriously? Get over it.

OH and I have been together nearly 6 yrs we have never celebrated our "anniversary" - it's on NYE, we have 6 kids between us and it's also his EW bday so we usually end up with 6 kids.

He's also in the Navy so spends months at sea missing birthdays and Christmases.

We are engaged and have been for 3 yrs but not had chance to get married, he puts no importance on our "anniversary" because we aren't married

We make time we get together special
with and without the kids and enjoy those moments.

ChristineDePisan · 15/09/2015 23:22

I think you're getting a bit of a rough time here, OP (MN doesn't really like anniversaries, or celebrating adult birthdays). The key thing is if it is important to you, to have to say so not expect your BF to mind-read. And I wouldn't make it into a "it's your friend or me" at all, but find a way to do two things that weekend. It's not like the friend is having a three day hiking expedition to Snowdon or four days in Magaluf (unless you're abot to massively drip feed!!)

SurlyCue · 15/09/2015 23:25

Yabu of course.

Dinner out is sufficient for an anniversary. I think youre testing him.

Hygge · 15/09/2015 23:32

Setting aside what's been said about what other people consider to be a worthy anniversary.

You said in your first post that by not celebrating now you are setting a tone for the rest of your relationship.

With that in mind, my advice to you now is to talk to him properly.

He's not a mind reader. You say you've always been fairly relaxed about what he does the rest of the time and you don't care if he does his own thing.

So it's natural that he might think you're not too bothered this time.

Tell him how you feel. Talk to him calmly and honestly and don't expect him to second guess what you want. And then listen to what he has to say in reply. Let open communication be the tone of your relationship for the future.

He may not realise you feel so strongly about celebrating on the Saturday. He may still choose to go out with his friend. He may change his plans and celebrate with you. You might find a compromise that works for you both.

You won't know until you talk to him.

Tiptops · 15/09/2015 23:33

I think celebrating dating someone for a year is weird. Sorry but I do. YABU for that alone. Anniversaries are wedding anniversaries.

Bogeyface · 15/09/2015 23:38

If you havent actually talked to him about it then you are even more U!

"I am pissed off because you are supposed to know without me telling you, and if you dont know then I am not going to tell you!"

I cannot stand game playing. Either tell him how you feel and see if you can work out a compromise, or dont tell him and accept that he doesnt place as much importance on this date as you do.

But dont expect him to be a bloody mind reader

TroubleinDaFamily · 15/09/2015 23:42

You would hate to be married to me.

I have been married 25 years, I have lost count of the amount of times First Direct telephone banking have saved my bacon, by asking me my significant date.

On the evening of our third anniversay I was entertaining clients, wrote the cheque and remembered.

He was at pub quiz and had forgotten as well.

Sunshineandsilverbirch · 15/09/2015 23:50

It might be worth more if a chat with your BF about this as it is upsetting you. Things are generally better if you talk them out sensibly.

Btw I didn't say 'don't drink' I said 'don't get drunk' (so no hangover) he should be perfectly able to go out and have a reasonable number of drinks with his mate without wasting all day Sunday hungover.

I hope everything works out for you.

two2 · 15/09/2015 23:50

I think if you are moving in with your parents to save then a hot tub cabin booked and paid for now for a few months time will be the best plan. You'll have something to look forward to and by then I'm sure you'll be desperate for some time alone together. It can still be an anniversary present to yourselves but saved for when it's going to be really needed and appreciated.

Original poster

MumMumMUUUM · 15/09/2015 23:56

There is so much projecting going on on this thread:

We have talked about it, a lot. He knows how important it is to me. He claims it is important to him too but his friend (who is being shit) has arranged something and my BF feels obligated to go.

BF is a huge people pleaser and has admitted he doesn't want to upset his friend but also knows this will upset me but I think he is secure in knowing that I won't be going anywhere whereas he's on shakes ground with his friend since all he gives a shit about it his new GF.

We're both busy people so the opportunity hasn't been there to meet the friend who has constantly been making excuses why he can't meet me or see BF since meeting the new GF 6 months ago.

I am not testing him, I'm actually very secure of the way he feels about me. We're also very open about things and talk through issues which is why we've never argued about anything. Completely different to any guy I've ever been with.

I'm sentimental - he knows this, says its one of the things he loves about me. Says he thinks things like anniversaries are important. We have actually discussed which date is the one that should be celebrated. We've talked a lot about taking a trip together, the hot-tub thing was what we said we'd do this year. He has built my expectations up about this by acting like it was just as important. If he'd been indifferent in the run up, then I'd have adjusted my expectations. Conversely, I'm not fussed about birthdays, neither is he, although we did spoil each other a little on our first ones and agreed that we would only do that because it was the first.

This has all happened because he is disorganised and I don't like to be pushy. It's precisely because I'm NOT a premadonna that I'm posting here instead of demanding he choose to spend the weekend with me and not see his friend. I'm disappointed that because even if we did go away, he'd be spending the night fretting that his friend might fall out with him for missing his birthday. For the record, I know that he'll be with his friends and feeling bad that he's not with me. As I say, people pleaser.

And I can try and hide my disappointment all I like but he's very emotionally aware and instinctively knows when something is bothering me. Even when that thing is not him.

OP posts:

Pico2 · 15/09/2015 23:58

I think it's a bit pathetic to get so drunk that you wipe out an entire day when you are a proper adult. I agree with Sunshine that she should be able to spend the Sunday with you, doing something pleasant.

OutToGetYou · 16/09/2015 00:00

We've been together five years and never celebrated an anniversary - anniversary of what, anyway?

Only wedding anniversaries count. And then only from the tenth.

Original poster

MumMumMUUUM · 16/09/2015 00:02

What's making this so difficult is because I know bringing it up in any way will cause him angst so I'm having to pretend that I'm absolutely ok that we're essentially not doing the special thing we had agreed we'd do for our anniversary when in reality I'm really disappointed. I'll get over it, sure, but right now I'm upset at having my expectations dashed and wanted to vent somewhere that wasn't at him. Maybe I should have posted in relationships but he knows I post there as we sometimes read the posts together (awaits being told that's weird ).

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 16/09/2015 00:04

I would celebrate another day or weekend. If you're together forever there'll be so many things you'll celebrate a few days here and there wouldn't matter. I don't think I'd move in with a bloke who hadn't introduced me to his friends though.

Original poster

MumMumMUUUM · 16/09/2015 00:05

Pico, I don't want to say too much as it might identify him but he and his friends watch a sporting event that is broadcast in America so they stay up all night to watch it. So it's not the hangover but he literally won't have slept so will need to catch up on the Sunday. This is partly why I'm so bothered: his choice is to do something lovely and unique with me, and something's he says he's wanted to do for ages or go to his friends and do the thing he does with them all the time. But it's what they enjoy doing so who am I to judge.

OP posts:

Saltedcaramel4 · 16/09/2015 00:06

It's just one day. Does it really matter when you have years ahead together?

Start as you mean to go on. Be reasonable. Compromise. Stop being pedantic.

Celebrate it Friday night.

Original poster

MumMumMUUUM · 16/09/2015 00:08

NerrSnerr, that's part of the problem. There are no other weekends free before we move in with my parents plus we'll have to set aside some time to pack up and put into storage two households worth of stuff. It's a case of our anniversary weekend or sometime after xmas if we can even slate the money at that point.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumMumMUUUM · 16/09/2015 00:11

Salted, I just have it in my mind that this is the best it's ever going to be, that we should make a big deal while we both still give a shit and whilst we have no other responsibilities. Even he says it will be nice to look back and remember the first. But it always comes back to his friend. As this thread demonstrates, there's plenty of years ahead where we can forget or not bother with anniversaries . I've already been in that type of marriage. He's different so I expected different.

I'm sure I won't care once it's been and gone though.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 16/09/2015 00:17

This
Your anniversary is something you have made up in your head. What is it the anniversary of? First sight, first conversation, first date, first kiss, first shag, first I love you? Anniversaries are wedding anniversaries. Anything else is just being silly. You are being silly. He is a brilliant boyfriend in every respect and has suggested celebrating your mythical pretend anniversary on another date than the one you have made up in your head but you don't want to because you are being a prima donna. Get over yourself

Also struck me as a bit odd you don't know a relatively close friend when you've been together a year

Also think it's odd to be doing something as drastic as moving in with your parents for a year to save up, then splashing out on a weekend away...save that money!

Also think it's a bit pathetic that he can't go and enjoy friend's birthday do on the Saturday, but also enjoy a meal with you on either the Friday or Sunday

Also worry that you are having to pretend that I'm absolutely ok that we're essentially not doing the special thing we had agreed we'd do for our anniversary when in reality I'm really disappointed. If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with him, then you need to be able to talk to him - not a good way to start if you can't.

All in all, yes, I think YABU

LemonySmithit · 16/09/2015 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 16/09/2015 00:27

So, as I and others mentioned, why not agree to celebrate it but postpone it to a weekend when you will really appreciate the break?

I assume that the weekend in question is in the next few weeks, and you are moving in with your parents at a similar time, so book the weekend away now as you can afford it, but for March. You (and your parents) will be so desperate for a bit of noisy shagging privacy that it will mean so much more by then.

And if you think that this is the best its ever going to be, that doesnt bode well for the future. What about "This is the first of many, what does it matter if we dont do it on the exact date?"

Is your glass half empty or half full?

Bogeyface · 16/09/2015 00:28

I have to be honest, you seem determined that if it isnt perfect then it will be utterly shite.

Thats a very childish attitude to have.

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