Fancy dress out of the house

[PegsPigs]

DH and I would like MN to rule on this.

DD2.5 loves wearing 'princess dresses'. We have a few we've accumulated at home that she dresses up in most of the time we're at home. She loves going to toddler groups where she can dress up and is disappointed if we go somewhere that doesn't have a box. Our rule is that she can wear it in the house but has to take it off when we go out. There's been a few arguments in the past but she knows the rule and takes it off before we leave. The main reasons we don't let her wear it out are: it'll get damaged and they're not cheap, it'll get dirty and they're a bugger to clean, they're bloody flammable (Claudia Winkleman's daughter's accident for example) & she has lots of nice dresses which aren't fancy dress which she can wear.

However, we often go to places and there are other girls in fancy dress: Elsa, fairy outfits, Snow White outfits etc. She thinks the dress is for sharing and hangs around waiting for it to be her turn to wear it. I have to explain to her it's the other girl's outfit and not for sharing. She is obsessed though and just stares at the girl/s no matter how much I try and distract her.

We went to an event on Sunday where two sisters were dressed as princesses (no particular reason just presumably they wanted to). I asked my DD what her favourite part of the event was (lots of activities). She said 'the princesses'. We went to a drop in dance class on Monday where a girl dressed as a fairy and DD didn't watch the teacher or join in much as she was staring at the girl. I asked if she enjoyed the dancing and she said 'the little girl was a fairy princess in her own outfit' (how I'd explained why she couldn't wear it). I told DH the story and we agreed other parents letting their children wear these costumes out of the house makes it difficult for us to not let ours. Double standards etc when she finally understands that.

So my AIBU is: AIBU to wish other parents didn't let their children wear fancy dress costumes outside of the house (except for fancy dress parties)? Pretty sure I'll hear 'other parents can do what they like' or 'let her wear it out, big deal if it gets trashed she'll learn' so am prepared for a flaming. Just wondered if it peed other people off too?

YABU. Being a young child is the one time in life where you can life your life with your imagination running wild. Let her be.

Of course, if you don't let them wear fancy dress when out, you may find they create their own costume. I have fond memories of DS2 announcing from the furthest, most inaccessible corner of a small soft play area that he was going to be Tarzan.

And we all know that "Tarzan wears just pants".

Thankfully it wasn't in the ball pit.

Thanks for all your responses. I chuckled at the post that suggested I expand her fancy dress repertoire from just princess dresses. What she deems a princess costume could be my old satin nightie, a hula flower garland and her tiara might be a pink woolly ski hat. I don't force any choice on her. We have a whole array of stuff which she chooses from. My aeroplane eye mask is her pirate patch. She can't see much with both eyes covered but she prefers it to the actual pirate patch we have! Her crown the other day was a builder's hat.

I will show my DH this thread and we'll have a chat about when it might be possible to relax the rules. She wears the outfits over her normal clothes so they tend to be size 5-7 as she's pretty tall so they might last a while if not trashed. She does have character proper clothes too but wants to wear things over the top anyway. On one character top the character has peeled off because it's been washed so much (on delicate) and she's gutted the character isn't on there anymore. I guess that's a lesson in things not being permanent. The issue genuinely isn't about worrying what other people think it's the practicalities of her activities being impeded by the outfits. A soft play we go to has dress up but only one 'princess dress' which is velvet and far too long. So she's boiling hot after 30 minutes of play and can't climb up things. But will she be told?? Nope! Certainly some food for thought.

Yes OP, I completely agree with you. How dare some parents let their children have fun where others can see them. Shouldn't be allowed at all.

Seriously......you really don't let your child go outside in fancy dress??

Surely dc outgrow dress up stuff before it gets too trashed? You said yourself that it's cheap stuff so I don't see the problem?

I feel a bit sorry for your daughter

Cross posted (I'm a slow typer) Glad you're considering a rethink.

I'm afraid this is an issue that is going to come up many times during your dd's childhood, PegsPigs. You'll decide you don't want her to have a particular item in her school lunch box, but other parents will put it in their children's lunch; you'll decide you don't want her to watch a particular DVD because she's too young for the age classification, but other parents will be less strict; you'll not allow certain behaviour, and other parents will - I went through this with all of my dses.

All you can say is, "I'm not X's mummy - if I was, X wouldn't have a Penguin in their lunchbox or be allowed to watch SawV either - but I am your mum, so you have to live by my rules. Yes, it's not fair. Yes I am the worst mummy in the whole wide world. You'll be allowed to do these things when you are old enough".

That said, it is always worth looking at your rules, with a critical eye, as you have done here, to see if they are ones you can relax without dire consequences. For example, for years and years, I didn't buy football shirts for the boys, because I hated them - the fabric, the cost, the way the clubs changed their strip every year, so you have to buy new ones, to keep up with everyone else.

Eventually, I gave my head a wobble, and decided I was being a bit daft - so I bought them a top each, via ebay, and then sometimes one or other of the boys got a new one as a birthday or christmas present. I still don't like them - but two of the boys (ds1 - 22, and ds3 - 18) grew out of wearing them, and buy really nice clothes now - only ds2 (20) still wears anything similar - and his are either the strips for his old hockey club or his University hockey club, or his cricket tops, from when he played cricket. They are still far too nylon-y and plastic for my liking, but he likes them.

I think that, relaxing this meant I could hang onto the rules that really mattered to me - particularly the age restricted video games. I was, apparently, the only mother in the known universe who didn't let her children play Call Of Duty - but I was OK with that.

YABU - poor little girl! As for them getting trashed - they are hers, for playing in and enjoying, it's what they're for! Fgs, get some from charity shops and eBay. My DD's Elsa dress is black and full of holes but she doesn't care.

You're going to find it pretty tough if you expect all parents to have the same rules you have! My Dd is the only one without a games console and who isn't allowed make up. I can't expect everyone else to disallow these things. If you feel strongly, it's up to you to enforce, although I can't understand why you'd spoil your little girl's fun over such a non-issue.

In your first OP you said you didn't want them trashed because they weren't cheap.
In your second post you said you didn't want her trashing them outside because they are badly made and cheap

Which is it?

Fanny they do! My friend's DD had a princess party and my friend was dressed as Snow White!

Well turnoff they're usually both badly made and expensive!

We saved a bit of cash by buying the Halloween ones out of Tescos last year, the week after Halloween. DDs (3yo) have not yet copped on and no doubt will growing up thinking there's something royal about pumpkins and black cats...

OP - dd2 loves her twirly skirts. She is now 7 and shows no sign of stopping. In fact the twirlier the better. Lots of dresses (not dress ups but pretty hand me down dresses) that are really party dresses, were hanging in our cupboard, and I she didn't wear them because they were party dresses. Then I realised that I was saving them for the one or two times she would wear them.

Now she wears posh party dresses whenever she wants. I have put one to one side to keep nice. We have some times when I say you need to be in trousers, we are going to the playground/its very cold. But she has proved to me that she can climb up to the top of the huge rope pyramid in the playground in a long fully gathered skirt.

I have accepted it is her style and now I enjoy seeing her develop it as she is older.

For the record dd1 only wears jeans and hoodies and wouldn't be seen dead in a dress, and has always been like that (no princess dress ups for her)

I am always amazed by how inbuilt some of these things are.

Aw, my preschoolers were always training around in a princess dress/tutu/cat costume. We washed them and they didn't notice how tatty they looked by the end.

I did have a rule of no dress up shoes out of house and no long dresses on play equipment but that's basic health and safety imo.

Now they have to be in boring school uniform every day.

"I will show my DH this thread and we'll have a chat about when it might be possible to relax the rules. "

I hope I'm overthinking this but really? Is this such a big deal for your dh that you need to show him the thread and "have a chat"? Can't you just decide for yourself?

When it comes to washing them - put each one in a pillow case, and wash on a wool cycle, and then iron on a silk setting if it needs it.

We've got a whole range from expensive high quality to cheap tesco/sainsburys and even a few I've made myself, they all get the same treatment and look absolutely fine.

Be flexible.

Long dresses aren't suitable for climbing or soft play.
But fine for walking around supermarkets or going to the library.

We eventually made it to Disney Paris last year. My 9 year old loved wearing her Snow White outfit one day, and it didn't stop her going on the rides.

A fairy outfit is just the ticket for a dance session.
Almost a must in fact when you are 2 years old!

Yes they are both cheaply made and expensive (ironically ) but yes I can see it's me who is most bothered about her trashing them and if she does then I will explain the consequences. Yes I will show this thread to DH because it was his idea to ask MN because he saw how bothered she was about the other girls in their outfits and wondered if MN thought we were BU by not letting her. It seems about 85% of MN think we are, and the other 15% think we aren't but can still see there might be room for compromise. So I can show him the thread and we can think about compromises.

She doesn't have any 'best' dresses that aren't fancy dress as we let her wear whatever dress she chooses from her drawer. It could be the expensive Next one which could do with an iron but life's too short or the second hand H&M one.

I don't expect all parents to have the same rules; my OP was just wishing I didn't have to explain to my DD why she couldn't wear another child's outfit. And MN has helped me understand that if I relaxed my rules then she wouldn't covet other girl's outfits and I wouldn't have to explain anything. There's a toddler group in my village tomorrow which doesn't have dressing up so I might let her wear one out tomorrow and see how it goes.

That's the thing though - life is too short. There's already so many rules in this house for DS's - no wiping chocolatey hands on walls/furniture; no biting your brother; use your toothbrush to clean your teeth NOT your willy... (Yes that actually happened )

Point is, I don't sweat the small stuff and don't want yet another battle on my hands. Frankly with our two boys if they actually have clothes on that's a bonus, so I couldn't care less if it's dress up stuff or not. DS1 wanted to wear his pirate outfit round the shops recently. Fine, I said, thinking at least it would get us out the door quickly with minimal fuss. Then he insisted on keeping the eye patch on all the way round, which meant he walked into everything - he decided he was prepared to risk the bumps for the sake of being all authentic and piratey. So it took a bit longer to get the shopping done, and he had a couple more bruises for his collection, but he was happy because lots of people smiled and made pirate talk with him.

It's these things our DC will remember when they grow up, not how nice and clean their outfits were. I hope you do relax the rule, and sit back and watch how much fun she's having.

There are actually some very important parenting issues at stake here:

Learning compromise (she can wear it out but takes it off for muddy play)
Learning consequences (it will wear out if worn all the time)
Accepting that she is who she is (one for you to learn)
Saying 'yes' a lot so 'no' really means something (one I had to learn the hard way)

DD taught me that I had all sorts of ideas about what a child of mine would be like that had to change. Her third birthday she looked in the mirror at her party dress and said, "Mummy, dinosaur shirt, dinosaur pants" so that's what she wore to her party. Now at four, "party shoes, party dress" for the park.

I do think you maybe need to decide what your core, family values are and just enforce them. Strongly. Because the combo of quite random rules and worries and worrying that she is upset by others also random rules doesn't work.

If you only have a few, very strict, very important rules you won't worry about what other parents are doing. For example, I don't mind shouting, across a park, "DD, don't chase the duck, it's cruel and we don't do that" even if all the other parents are letting their DC do it.

Only read first 3 pages as off on school run... However these costumes won't fit for long..I have an 8 year old who now won't wear Fancy dress. They are little for so long..If it gets trashed its a dress. what are you going to do when it doesn't fit...

Honestly life is too short..Maybe not the park but if she is happier in the supermarket as she is a princess shopping so be it

I'm glad you've had a rethink op. Life really is too short. (You think conflict about dressing up stuff is hard, wait till she's a teen)
If you ever take her to Disneyland she is going to combust!
Enjoy your little girl.

MrsDeVere your son must have looked so adorables in his little three piece suit!!! I would have just melted if I'd met him...

OP, I highly recommend a mooch on asda's website. loads of fancy dress stuff at really cheap prices.

why don't you buy her normal outerwear themed To look like Snow White or Elsa's coats? Like these on eBay that she can wear to the park and run around?

Add a crown and you've got a safe-to-play-in princess outfit.

Also, tinkerbell /tutus come short and not too frilly and can be worn over regular trousers. And quickly pulled down before going down a slide