To leave my 3 and 5 year olds downstairs while I take a nap?

[Snossidge]

Basically the kids were all up at 6am today, 1 year old wanted a nap by 9am and I had a bit of a hangover. 3 and 5 year olds just wanted to play lego and watch Adventure Time.

Was I unreasonable to leave them alone for an hour while I napped upstairs?

Last week I had an ill, lethargic, high temp been up all night preschooler laid out on the sofa watching favourite programme on repeat, and a school run to do for older child.

The other adult of the house works nights and had returned from work two hours previously, so was asleep in bed.

I get confused what to do for the best sometimes. My common sense tells me in that scenario best thing is to send the older child to school by themselves, a short journey they are well capable of completing safely. But I can't, because the school says they are too young (oldest is nine next month).

Now this thread tells me leaving unmoving three year old on the sofa with CBeebies for ten minutes with Daddy asleep a shout away is also a Bad Thing.

Yet I can't see that forcing my sick and weak little one to walk to school is a good option either. Or getting DH up two hours after a twelve hour physical night shift.

Tried to ask a friend, yes, but unable.

My kids often get up before I do, and the first thing they do is go downstairs together to play. Sometimes I don't know how long they have been up before I get down there. I have no gates or ways of stopping them getting anywhere. They have free access to craft, Lego, etc as it is all in the oldest's room. I had never really worried about it before. I get up at 7am, so am not lazing around for hours, just have kids that wake each other up and play rather than coming in to jump on me.

Same floor or different floor... I'm not sure there's much difference. If doors are left open sound will carry pretty well unless you live in a mansion.

But a 5 year old is capable of closing a door. And the point is you would reach the child much more quickly if you don't have to (a) wake up; (b) come to fully and work out what is going on; and (c) go downstairs.

They can close their bedroom door too, or creep down at 6am and close the living room door.... What to do, put motion sensors on your 5 yo? Maybe one parent should be awake at all times at night just in case!

Also a 5 yo can walk out of a room if you're napping on the sofa.

The most 'dangerous' time is presumably showers - all that noise! How do single parents ever shower I wonder - based on the reasoning of some in here it's neglect (unless you bring your 5 yo into the shower room you.)

All you mums who need a nap during the day away from your kids, night night. Get to your bed.

Idaclair

You seem to be living in the real world making informed, and sometimes difficult, judgements on risk. Pity some don't get this, and realise that the risks they are so aghast at are no different from the ones that have the potential to occur each morning when kids wake (but which oddly are ok).

All you mums who need a nap during the day away from your kids, night night. Get to your bed.

Good advice !

YABU

No one can control how deep a sleep they fall into. Argue that.

I haven't had a deep sleep in years unless my mother is here. DS has autism and wakes regularly through the night needing reassurance, and I have a younger child. You know that light sleep you do when babies are young? That never changed for me unless Mum is here, when I sleep like someone hit me over the head.

As to the person who talked about opening the door - DS never, ever does that. He never goes near anything I've told him might be dangerous. He has autism-created anxiety. For all the difficulties, he is the most trustworthy and reliable child when it comes to a rule he understands and sees the sense in. He's no more going to break that than fly. DD, though... a climber, a tugger, a thrower, an experimenter and a rebel. Can't be left for a moment. In addition, DS' sensory problems are such that a tiny scratch makes him scream in fear and horror and pain, whereas DD can have blood pouring before she even notices. So one child would be a lethal risk and tbh I can't see any chance of that altering in the near future, while the other was fine to play quietly from three onwards.

That's the thing: your child might be wholly (un)safe doing X or why, while mine might be the reverse. I can say that with confidence because my two are so, so different. Similarly, our old flat was utterly childproofed, while this one is not childproofable to anything like that extent. Personality of my house, as well as my second child, aren't in my favour.

So there just isn't any clear answer.

I have just been woken up by my 4 year old, now fully dressed in her school uniform. Looking in her bedroom it is clear she has been playing a good while.
I didn't hear a thing.
So, presumably all those posters who are aghast at what the op did, set their alarm for 5 in the morning to make sure they're awake when their dc wake up.

Yup, my 2 yr old was up at 6, crawled in beside me, then wandered into DC1's room, and I fell back to sleep for 15 mins.

They could have been doing anything! I've clearly been a neglectful parent and will phone social services later to hand myself in...

This thread is awful. Obviously all children are different and they respond to situations differently but I can't see how deliberately leaving your children to their own devices when you are not aware of what they are doing can possibly be justified. I hope the OP is a troll and that this doesn't actually happen, mainly because she is putting her own selfish needs of a 'relaxing nap' before the welfare of her children.

Firstly, children playing in their room on a morning is different to being left during the day. Most children have specific toys they play with in their rooms and most parents choose safe toys to keep in their should they wake up before them on a morning - ones that don't pose a choking risk. They also set alarms for the same time that their children usually wake up, so the unsupervised time on a morning is minimised and it's more a one off when they do wake up and are unsupervised for a while, rather than the norm. Responsible parents also have safety gates to prevent access to rooms which present a hazard, or they have some way of blocking access.

During the day children expect to have access to all of their toys and most of the rooms, unlike the mornings. If you go upstairs for a sleep they are not to suddenly think 'oh I'm now supposed to sit quietly and only play with x,y,z toys until mum comes back". It's wishful thinking if you do. They will just expect to carry on as they normally do, for all of those people expressing that their children are 'safe' in this situation you can keep telling yourself that. But the reality is that it's more good luck than good management.

Of course accidents can happen when you're right there, but the difference is that you can attend to them immediately. If you're asleep in another room you have to wake up and then get to the child, probably in a bit of a haze if you've been asleep. I cannot see justification for allowing that to be a possible scenario.

Have a coffee and splash some cold water on your face, like the rest of us. You can get back to your daytime naps once they are fully capable of looking after themselves.

Blink.
I don't think many people have separate playrooms. My dcs toys are all in their rooms.
So, the intent might be different if they wake first, but the risk is the same.
I don't think people generally set alarms to wake before their dc. On the contrary, they're grateful when they get woken a bit later than normal.

They also set alarms for the same time that their children usually wake up,

Really?? Most people set alarms for when one or both have to get up and go to work.

BlinkAndMiss

Some strident views... I get your point about safety, but at what age do you think the rules concerning "alarm for when children wake" (I never did this - when they were little they woke me, either that of were in cots!), "safety gates" and "removing potential choking hazard toys" can be relaxed? I'd argue when from around 3 years old (even the ultra-safety conscious toy industry puts 36 months on choking hazard toys when in fact most kids are fine from much younger than that), but have a feeling I'll be called neglectful for that!

Sometimes it seems that some in here would have 90% of the nation's children in social care placements due to all this apparent neglect that occurs!

They also set alarms for the same time that their children usually wake up

What if they wake up before that.... Surely with your apparent "you can't be too careful attitude" to set an alarm when they only usually wake is rather risky behaviour - sometimes kids wake early! Isn't it a bit like saying "I have a nap upstairs while the kids watch TV, and but they usually sit there the whole time" and arguably just as neglectful!

Look, of course your not being neglectful, but if you take such a high-handed attitude with others about their parenting don't be surprised if the logic of your own behaviour is picked apart in the same way you do others.

UglyJellyShoes90, my response wasn't to a poster "being concerned", but to LaNouba's previous post which consisted entirely of some rather insulting assumptions and insinuations about me. My response was OTT and for that I apologise. But I have also never called anyone overprotective / hysterical for not leaving their young children unsupervised - everybody's circumstances are different and we all make our own decisions. My issue is with the pearl-clutching, judgmental attitude towards OP for making her own risk assessment. You may not agree with her, but the shouts of neglect / child abuse are a pretty hysterical reaction in my opinion.

As I said, my own children have frequently made their own breakfast since about that age (that is to say, the older ones have, the youngest is still a toddler so of course I don't leave her unsupervised). I don't think OP is BU.

Such young children should not be left unsupervised That's the key word. It's a choice to take a nap and leave such young children alone. Early mornings are a different matter and all you can do is ensure windows are locked and the toys they use are safe.

Your children will probably be quite safe statistically but be prepared for social worker intervention if anything untoward happens.

I seriously pmsl when a 3 and 5 year old are thought of as sensible!

And there I was thinking how brilliant it was on New Years Day, when my 8 year old got up and got made breakfast for her siblings (5 and 2) and friends (7 and 4) and then put the TV on for them all, so us parents could doze. I was clearly being terribly neglectful.
Let the flaming begin....

Personally YNBU as you know your kids and what they are capable of. im totally shocked at reading people dont keep toys in their childrens rooms! WTF is that all about. I know about a case where a couple had left their 7 year old at home unaccompied with a 6 month baby. To the 7 year olds credit she was most capable of looking after the 6 month old (quite common in their culture) and when SS visited, the house was tidy and 7 year old was feeding the baby with a bottle she had prepared. The children were taken into custody until hte parents came home later that night but no charges were brought because SS felt that there was no signs of neglect and the children were not in danger. Not saying its something i would ever advocate or do but it gives a little perspective on you having a nap whilst your children play downstairs.

It's bizarre that some people think that if something doesn't happen on their street, it must be impossible

It's bizarre that the OP thinks that because nothing has happened (so far) in the OPs house with unattended children, then it never will.

Odd logic.

And what's with all the stair gates to hazardous rooms? I had to take away our stair gates when my 2 year old started trying to climb over them, as I figured it was more dangerous having them there and better to teach her how to use the stairs safely. I can't think of any room I would block access to. (I am referring to children - babies and small toddlers do need constant supervision obviously).
Seems there are fairly wide-ranging views on here!

chompybot

The Op is referring to 3 and 5 year old - I agree blocking access in the way suggested seems counter-productive and potentially creating more danger and risk at those ages! Perhaps parents who create dangerous obstacles such as stairgates that could be climbed and toppled over need to be referred to Social Services for their reckless behaviour (obviously I'm joking).

im totally shocked at reading people dont keep toys in their childrens rooms!

I hope the people who write this are talking about under 3's (which incidently not the Op's children's ages).... If not they are being far too over-protective imo

Alpaca you were reported by someone as you made a sexual comment about my 4 year old son a hugely irrational response to me comparing you to Hyacinth Bucket in jest. I found your post really quite sneery and insulting re PFB. The mention of being 'upper middle class, having a PhD (Cambridge) and a DC heading to the best school in then country was completely irrelevant to the thread. The mention of a GP friend who left even younger children of 18 months unsupervised was again irrelevant as I'm afraid doctors along with teachers (my profession) are hardly experts on child safety. I felt you were attempting to discredit posters who disagreed with you just because you know professionals who thought it was ok to leave a baby alone while they slept. Children are unpredictable and at 3 I don't think posters are pearl clutching to be concerned really.