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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 3 and 5 year olds downstairs while I take a nap?

510 replies

Snossidge · 13/09/2015 17:19

Basically the kids were all up at 6am today, 1 year old wanted a nap by 9am and I had a bit of a hangover. 3 and 5 year olds just wanted to play lego and watch Adventure Time.

Was I unreasonable to leave them alone for an hour while I napped upstairs?

OP posts:
JumpRope · 14/09/2015 16:14

She used the broad example once of parents who were in bed or pissed when they were supposed to be looking after their kids as being associated with neglect. I would agree.

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/09/2015 16:15

I also think that the op fully expected to be told it's fine, go for it, as all the time on here there are threads where people are condoning all kinds of lax parenting.

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/09/2015 16:20

Whether it would be classed as neglect would completely depend on the wider context.

A one off, one hour sleep in a clean, safe home where the children warm, fed and clothed because of he parent couldn't keep their eyes open, ss wouldn't be interested.

Lazing in bed all day everyday while you kids roam the streets or are able to get up to all sorts of dangerous stuff would be a case for ss.

ApollO88 · 14/09/2015 16:23

DS is left to his own devices if he wakes up at stupid oclock in the morning. DH will leave him rambling about in his room in the mornings until he gets up at 8. DS has access to the downstairs but rarely goes down unaccompanied. hes very sensible for a 4yo. will come through to use the loo in our room and have a wee then goes back to doing DS stuff in his room. as previous posters have said, he's left on his own in his bedroom at night time. all rooms have been childproofed. what danger can they get themselves into that they couldnt get into if u had been in the room. enjoy ur nap i say

VulcanWoman · 14/09/2015 16:27

Yeah, sofa nap.

VulcanWoman · 14/09/2015 16:28

My ex did that and when I returned the house was covered in felt tip hand prints.

nortonhouse · 14/09/2015 16:36

Call me old-fashioned (and I probably am; my children are now teenagers) but I never, ever, ever would have done this. A five-year-old and a three-year-old left on their own to roam the house, with the parent who should be supervising them sound asleep upstairs??? I can only imagine the terrible things that could happen - and unfortunately I have heard a few stories in real life. Suck it up, have a coffee, and doze on the sofa with one eye open. One bad night's sleep followed by a day when you don't feel well (and that's down to hangover, not illness...) won't kill you. I just hope this isn't happening on a regular basis.

ArendelleQueen · 14/09/2015 17:07

Social worker here, although no longer in child protection. Not neglect from what was described and wouldn't meet the threshold for intervention but not an example of stellar parenting. If a child had a (god forbid) horrible accident while the parent was cooking dinner or having a shower, it wouldn't raise an eyebrow. It would be judged if a parent was sleeping off a hangover. It might trigger a phone call from social services but sounds like the OP wouldn't care that much.

There is the usual MN hysteria on this thread but there would have had more support if she'd been ill. Her tiredness is entirely self inflicted. For that reason, I can't muster up any sympathy or support for her plight.

ACatCalledDave · 14/09/2015 17:18

I can imagine the headlines now....'Left downstairs, for an hour.....with LEGO!!!!' shock. The Daily Mail will be all over it hmm

This. Excellent.

I'm always reading articles about what a good thing the level of supervision currently on offer in our society is in terms of child development Grin

The thing is it's hard not to be paranoid when parents are to blame for every.little.thing. Rock and hard place.

PeterGriffinsPenisBeaker · 14/09/2015 17:26

Why don't you book yourself into a local hotel and leave your kids to take care of themselves? They're clearly wise, competent and able to do it at the ripe old age of 5 and 3. Don't be so hard on yourself OP, we are clearly all being totally unreasonable...

ACatCalledDave · 14/09/2015 17:35

Not neglect from what was described and wouldn't meet the threshold for intervention but not an example of stellar parenting.

Don't all parents display less than stellar parenting at times?

Can't we collectively agree that we all are less than perfect parents? At times don't all parents make mistakes?

Also, can I rephrase the OP's situation differently (as I don't know her this is just a possibility):

She got drunk (not perfect but human). She knew she would not be capable of keeping kids safe all day feeling sub human. She took a nap - calculating the risk of harm to her children in the hour she was asleep against the risk of harm to children through their sole carer being exhausted all day?

I say this because I made the same decision as OP, I recently left my 2 y/o downstairs watching telly while I had a nap. This was for mental health not hangover reasons but I calculated that I was no good to him at the level of exhaustion I was at. I have insomnia, depression, and am autistic so not the best at seeing what's in front of me even when fully rested let alone after very little sleep.

I think my decision was in the best interests of my child, emotionally and physically. It's distressing to read people describe such a decision as neglect. (As happened towards beginning of the thread.) I don't have anybody nearby who can watch my child, ie a grandparent, btw.

Zippidydoodah · 14/09/2015 17:40

I couldn't actually have a "relaxing sleep" upstairs when I knew they were potentially causing chaos downstairs. Not restful at all. A doze on the sofa is acceptable when they're watching tv or playing in the same room; instincts would jolt you awake if necessary.

Zippidydoodah · 14/09/2015 17:41

Just to add, I did indeed nap on the sofa when pregnant with dc3 (small age gaps). We watched many a fireman Sam dvd in those days!

ChocolateWombat · 14/09/2015 17:53

So, not neglect but certainly unreasonable if social workers would frown upon it and it might trigger a phone call from social services - ie best not to repeat in future,rather than OP saying she would do it again.

This time she has got away with it,nothing bad happened. That could be the case next time too.....but it might not.

Yes, all parents make mistakes. The key thing is to recognise them, resolve not to make the same mistake again and move on. The Op could do this, but doesn't seem willing to.

GogoGobo · 14/09/2015 18:20

I dread to think what else you justify to yourself OP.
Lazy, shit parenting and I feel sorry for your kids.
Btw, if you can hear every little sound and incident from your bed whilst sleeping the you must be a Vulcan!

LittleBearPad · 14/09/2015 18:37

I wonder if all those telling the OP he has displayed 'lazy, shit parenting' would admit/acknowledge that their parenting is ever less than stellar.

Fine to have a different view but why the need to put the boot in

And don't say 'it's AIBU' that's what it's like. That's a crap excuse.

bgottalent · 14/09/2015 18:40

No I wouldn't do it. I would consider it too much of a risk. I have had a nap while my dc have played in my bedroom but I couldn't rest if they were downstairs

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2015 18:42

A little bit of lazy parenting, within lots of good parenting, is a pretty good thing for a child I think. thankfully the ability to play happily by themselves is a good thing, as is not crying when a parent is not in the same room as them at all times. Both useful skills for school.

ArendelleQueen · 14/09/2015 19:01

"Don't all parents display less than stellar parenting at times?"

That was my point. There is a grey area in parenting, where people will always disagree. Poor choices do not make you neglectful or a poor parent overall. I am often a less than perfect parent. I know some of the things I do/say would raise an eyebrow but I wouldn't post about it on MN as I couldn't take the beating. Grin

bostonkremekrazy · 14/09/2015 19:11

i'm thinking of the accidents my dc have had when i have been there - awake and present

a&e trips have included -
being knocked out and broken nose - dc age 2
jumped off sofa = broken foot - dc age 23 months
facebutt into window - stitched lip & nose dc age 4
jumped off bedside table, teeth through cheek needing stitches dc age 3.5
fell off playground aparatus, head injury age 5......
i cannot imagine just taking a nap and not being there to say - no don't put that around your brothers neck - no dont put that in your mouth, its not safe to do XYZ.....

and my kids are not naughty or disobedient - in the mornings they stay in their rooms reading books until we call them at 7am and the house comes alive....(and yes - we had no toys in rooms either - just books and teddies....the older dc now 10 and 8 have lego in storage boxes under the beds, but this is recent as there is no longer a choking risk, our pre-schoolers still have no toys in bedrooms)

we have had ss intervention as we have adopted - and know lots of friends who adopted or foster - and absolutely schools/hv/ss would raise a flag that you wish to take naps on a different floor level to your children when they are awake in the daytime. whether you think thats right or wrong, that is just the way it is. Because of the risks involved - you cannot possibly protect them from every harm when you are sleeping.

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/09/2015 19:56

Boston that behaviour does actually sound quite naughty. I would say that ds is quite boisterous but I can honestly say that he hasn't jumped off furniture.

I wouldn't have left him unsupervised aged 3 and I'm pretty sure that at that age we still had stair gates up and he'd be upstairs with me if I was having a shower.

Pyjamaramadrama · 14/09/2015 19:58

I don't know anyone who doesn't keep their children's toys in their rooms. Surely they only have age appropriate toys so very little risk.

Original poster
Snossidge · 14/09/2015 20:02

I've never gone to A&E and I don't have to do any of this with the older ones:

no don't put that around your brothers neck - no dont put that in your mouth, its not safe to do XYZ.....

OP posts:
bostonkremekrazy · 14/09/2015 20:08

PJ - which part of my children's behaviour sounds 'quite naughty'? 2 isolated incidents of jumping off furniture - with no context?

Mrsfrumble · 14/09/2015 20:12

I don't think jumping off furniture is necessarily naughty, unless it's a strict house rule and the child is old enough to understand and remember it.