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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 3 and 5 year olds downstairs while I take a nap?

510 replies

Snossidge · 13/09/2015 17:19

Basically the kids were all up at 6am today, 1 year old wanted a nap by 9am and I had a bit of a hangover. 3 and 5 year olds just wanted to play lego and watch Adventure Time.

Was I unreasonable to leave them alone for an hour while I napped upstairs?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 14/09/2015 09:20

That what has surprised me too thereareany I simply don't believe this thread is representative of real life.

LittleBearPad · 14/09/2015 09:23

And OP you were doomed the moment you mentioned a hangover. Drinking whilst in anyway responsible for children within the next 24 hours is a cardinal crime on mumsnet.

LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 09:29

arethereany

I agree with you that some people on here are very bad at assessing risk (not taking a shower while children are in the house is ridiculous, as is dragging your children across the forecourt to pay for petrol). But over-protective is not letting your child walk to school when they're 11 or not letting them go on school trips. It's not over-protective to know that 3 and 5 year old can sometimes make poor decisions because they're impulsive and don't understand consequences. I would and do nap on the sofa.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2015 09:44

That's fine Lynda. Agreed. I was more referring to the hysterical responses against the op.

ChocolateWombat · 14/09/2015 10:11

At the end of the day, the OP can do what she wants. The chances are that nothing very had will happen, but there are enough reports on here AND in real life of small children getting into dangerous situations, that there is a genuine risk.

We all have to live with risk and yes, it is possible for a small child to do something daft doing the 2 minutes we are in the loo - we have to minimise the risk by not leaving dangerous stuff around, but we cannot totally remove the risk.
The question is about what is acceptable for different age groups. Again, there are grey areas, but I maintain that there is a difference between an adult being present in the building and alert to the fact something might happen which requires them to come quickly (the situation when the parent is just in another room for a while) and being in what could well be a deep sleep (more likely if hungover) so NOT alert to possible issues which could arise. This is why so many people have advocated a little doze on the sofa as preferable.

I think the situation would be different if the children were older - again there will be grey areas and some people will be happy to leave their children downstairs whilst sleeping at different ages.

I suffer from awful migraines. I dreaded having one when I had toddlers. If i did, I lay on the sofa downstairs with them and just had to wait for it to pass. It was truly awful, but I was there and could respond if something happened. Once they were older, I would go upstairs, because a 5 year old with an 8 year old is quite different from a 3 year old.

I always wonder why people post on AIBU when they are not prepared to even consider that they might be - is it because they want a fight? Is it because they are unable to acknowledge value in what someone else says, because it seems like 'backing down', is it that they really do realise they might have been wrong, but cannot bring themselves to say it. I just find the whole thing odd.

NuckyS · 14/09/2015 10:20

Rainuntilseptember15

DCs could just as easily come to harm if I'm in another room washing dishes, making the dinner, making beds, cleaning the bathroom etc.

If DD1 falls when we're out hanging out the laundry, do I therefore refrain from going outside?

ChocolateWombat · 14/09/2015 10:31

Nucky, no of course not. This is all about the assessment of risk and management of it in an appropriate way for the age of the children involved.

As I said above, an accident could occur while you go the loo - this doesn't mean you should never go to the loo. ALL risk can never be avoided - it is about judging it and getting the risk level to one which is acceptable - so whist hanging out the washing, with the back door open, an accident COULD happen, but is less likely to given the short time and door being open so you could hear something pretty quickly. Yes, something awful could still happen, but the liklihood is reduced enough to make taking the risk acceptable.
The timescale and fact the adult is not present and won't be alert to something happening is what makes the risk involved in the OPs scenario so much higher.
Some people are over cautious about risk. Others don't seem to recognise risk - there is a spectrum and most people would rather be safe than sorry.

As a final question from me to the OP, out of interest, what age would your children have had to be for you to NOT do what you did - ie to feel they WERE too little to be left for an hour alone whilst up and active, while a parent, whilst in the building might be in a deep sleep? I'm just interested to know if you would have always done what you did.

NuffSaidSam · 14/09/2015 10:33

chocolate I think part of the problem is the attitude of the people that respond. Had the responses been reasonable and measured maybe the OP would have been more receptive. Instead she was told she was a shit mother and/or a troll. Are you really massively surprised she didn't say 'oh yes, I take on board your point about me being a shit mother....'?! Come on!

NuckyS · 14/09/2015 10:44

Chocolate

Surely it all comes down to the individual, though? If you have a DC that you know will sit and watch Mr. Tumble for 30 mins while you slumber, you'll make one judgement. If, however, you think that you'll get up and find your DC taking the TV apart to see how it works, you'll make another.

I have both, incidentally. Luckily the other one sleeps longer!

LyndaNotLinda · 14/09/2015 10:57

The responses in the beginning were all quite measured actually NuffSaid. I don't think you can blame the OP's intransigence on other posters.

Needinghelp1 · 14/09/2015 11:02

No way!!!!

InimitableJeeves · 14/09/2015 11:04

I'm usually very impatient with the over-cautious attitude to parenting regularly displayed on MN, but I'm with the majority here - this is a risk too far. I get it that it's almost inevitable that children wake up before their parents in the mornings, but you can reduce the risk of that by making sure they only have books and soft toys in their rooms. But I see no point in adding to the risk by deliberately leaving them downstairs whilst you sleep. OP seems to think she would hear if they did anything out of the ordinary but -- really? She can sleep through them having the TV on and talking to each other, but won't sleep through them putting a tap on?

As for playing outside: when my DC were little we lived in a quiet road. Another child was regularly left to play out on his own and got hit by a car in that quiet road - he ran out without looking precisely because he didn't expect a car to come down it.

InimitableJeeves · 14/09/2015 11:09

I don't think you can ever be 100% sure that a child will sit and watch TV for an hour. There will always come a day when they decide they'd rather do something else, or that Mummy would like that cup of tea, or that the furniture needs rearranging. Or they just run to get something and trip over and bang their heads. And before someone says yes, but they could trip over any time, the point is that if a parent is nearby s/he can do something about it quickly.

I was generally a sensible child. But there was that time at my friend's house when we were left to our own devices and decided for some reason to melt candles in the frying pan. The flames reached around 6' high ...

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/09/2015 11:15

I have a five year old who is amazingly well behaved, and I'm a pretty slack parent, and I would never do this. There's just too much risk when you could just as easily nap on the sofa.

I had pneumonia once and it was the first day I was ill and DH had already left for work and I was all over the place and needed my bed like I needed air... I put both DD's in my room with me, gave both iPads, bought snacks up, and put a movie on and slept in there with them, with the door shut, so I knew they were there and could hear everything they were doing. The point being, there's never a reason to leave them downstairs and have a sleep upstairs. It's neglect.

(And of the more than 40 five year olds I know, none of them play outside alone, so just for that, I think you're probably a troll.)

Original poster
Snossidge · 14/09/2015 11:24

It's bizarre that some people think that if something doesn't happen on their street, it must be impossible Grin

OP posts:
sproketmx · 14/09/2015 11:27

Leave only books and soft toys in their room? What even? Mine would be bored shitless with that. Even my one year old would tantrum at only books and soft toys. I actually don't know anyone in real life who does this. Books and soft toys hahaha

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/09/2015 11:43

My children only have books, dolls and soft toys in their rooms... All their proper toys are downstairs in the playroom.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 14/09/2015 11:46

Even my one year old would tantrum at only books and soft toys. I actually don't know anyone in real life who does this. Books and soft toys hahaha
My nearly 2 year old only has books and soft toys in her room, not sure why that's so weird Confused. All her proper toys are downstairs as that's where we spend most of our time.

lynniep · 14/09/2015 11:51

Its entirely up to you how you parent your kids, and you know them, so you are neither NBU or BU. I personally would NEVER have done this at those ages, but I know my own kids. I still wouldn't do it, and they are 5 and 8, because they are little monkeys...

LaContessaDiPlump · 14/09/2015 11:51

Haven't RTFT, but I wouldn't do as the op did because my 3yo and 4yo would have engaged in a battle to the death and eaten each other by the time I came back downstairs....

Rainuntilseptember15 · 14/09/2015 11:53

Nucky you must be a domestic goddess if you spend the same kind of time doing the dishes, or making a bed, as you would having a lie in in the morning. Of course more can go wrong in a window of half an hour/an hour/two hours (delete as appropriate) than in five minutes.

NotYouNaanBread · 14/09/2015 11:56

This is a bizarre thread.

I wouldn't try to take a nap during the day with my two because a) I can't fall asleep during the day and b) if I do, it's always a very, very deep sleep, so I wouldn't be able to snap awake at the slightest noise, or the front door opening etc.

I do abandon my 4 & 6 year old to their own devices by taking my book or laptop off to bed with me and leaving them to it. If they need me or if a fight breaks out I'm straight down to them.

It wouldn't cross my mind to try to have a proper sleep with them in the house because they would ABSOLUTELY start to fight as soon as I started dropping off.

That's just my 2. OP's children can obv. be relied on to play much more nicely than my two and I'm sure she did a sensible internal "risk assessment" before going to sleep (i.e. she prob. wouldn't have if she thought she would sleep very deeply etc.).

I honestly don't a light nap is the end of the world, esp. in a small house where every sound travels, and I doubt that SS would be sweeping OP's children off into care at the very thought. Some full-on Mumsnet hysteria going on here. Or maybe everyone here lives in massive houses with separate wings for the children from which they could never hear a catastrophe in the making. WOULD that I could get out of earshot from mine sometimes.

NuckyS · 14/09/2015 12:02

Nucky you must be a domestic goddess if you spend the same kind of time doing the dishes, or making a bed, as you would having a lie in in the morning. Of course more can go wrong in a window of half an hour/an hour/two hours (delete as appropriate) than in five minutes.

God, actually ;)

I suppose it's not the same as the OP as we have a bungalow, and if I leave the doors open I can hear everything that's going on, but I still have no problems doing this with DC2.

Also...

a window of half an hour/an hour/two hours

I admire your optimism.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 14/09/2015 12:06

Oh op, you are a goady fucker Grin

I think you're a goady fucker not due to your supervision skills or lack of, but your replies on here have been deliberately worded to incite maximum froth.

It was fun for a while, but it's getting a bit boring now.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 14/09/2015 12:06

Also, massive lolz at you being so sure you would wake up upstairs if a tap was running downstairs. As if.