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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my 3 and 5 year olds downstairs while I take a nap?

510 replies

Snossidge · 13/09/2015 17:19

Basically the kids were all up at 6am today, 1 year old wanted a nap by 9am and I had a bit of a hangover. 3 and 5 year olds just wanted to play lego and watch Adventure Time.

Was I unreasonable to leave them alone for an hour while I napped upstairs?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 13/09/2015 23:05

'I'll make sure to tell my friend she was being perfectly reasonable to leave her 4 year old in the living room whilst she was upstairs settling the baby and dozed off with her. Her 4 year old died with massive head injuries after the TV fell on him.'

She was being totally reasonable. And as a friend I would hope that you would have told her that already!!

A tragic accident which could have happened while she was standing 2 feet from him.

If there is any negligence in that situation it would be not fixing the TV to the wall. Not, going upstairs and leaving a four year old downstairs.

Rainuntilseptember15 · 13/09/2015 23:05

Mine both come in to watch me. I am quite a spectacle it seems Blush

Mrsfrumble · 13/09/2015 23:06

MrsRyan, that's utterly tragic about your friend's little boy, but sadly it could have happened while she was in the toilet or upstairs just changing her babies nappy.

I don't think I do what the OP did, but judging by some of the responses on the thread others would consider a crap parent who takes unnecessary risks because I sometimes leave mine unattended to take a shower or hang out washing.

What makes me most uncomfortable about threads like this is the way some posters start weighing in with evermore hysterical and unlikely scenarios like the spontaneously combusting car, which ends up undermining the reasonable judgement risk rather than reinforcing it.

Mrsfrumble · 13/09/2015 23:07

Yes Nuffsaid, in that respect flat screen TVs which can be securely bolted to the wall are a huge blessing.

LittleMissStubborn · 13/09/2015 23:08

How do people manage to shower? 3 kids and me in a tiny ensuite bathroom would have been a right old squeeze.

AlpacaBackPack · 13/09/2015 23:10

MrsRyan I'm very sorry for your friend - what a truly horrendous story - but with all due respect, on a forum like this, someone will always know someone who had a terrible experience. I personally know someone whose son died in a tragic plane crash - does that mean that we should all prevent our children and anyone we know to ever fly anywhere?

As tragic as your friend's experience was, the chances of a television falling on and crushing an unattended child are way smaller than those of being injured or dying in a car crash, for example.

Every single decision that we make is based on probabilities. Frankly, anyone who happily puts their child in a car but tuts at someone else for leaving their 3-5-year-old alone while the parents are in a different room is either a hypocrite or unforgivably ignorant.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 13/09/2015 23:13

My eldest is 10, youngest is 10months and a 2yr old in between. I don't think I've ever felt the urge to shower when at home alone with them. I shower in the morning before my dh goes to work or have a bath at night when he's home Hmm

DixieNormas · 13/09/2015 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoStannisNo · 13/09/2015 23:16

I don't understand how people.are struggling to tell the difference between leaving your kids for a few minutes while you hang out washing or have a shower, and fucking off upstairs for a sleep FOR A FUCKING HOUR!

This thread is quite upsetting now actually. I thought I was a fairly slack parent but Christ on a crumpet the word 'slack' is being redefined on this thread!

macdat · 13/09/2015 23:16

Some kids will play nicely and not get up to mischief in an hour, some kids (alot of kids lol) won't, they'll be in something in 15mins let alone an hour.
Depends on your kids, you know them best and know their boundaries.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 13/09/2015 23:16

And surely its about minimising risk? You minimise the risk in a car by using appropriate seats, driving well. You also minimise the risk of anything happening them by knowing where your children are and what they are doing, it's basic parenting in my mind.

LyndaNotLinda · 13/09/2015 23:18

I'm a big believer in children learning independence Alpaca. But not at 3 and 5. How fucking absurd.

I grew up in a lovely upper middle class world where there was no SS involvement whatsoever. There was DV in my house and two of my friends died of drug overdoses before they turned 18. One of them barely saw his parents.

Please don't make the mistake of assuming that kids from 'nice' families are well looked after. A lot of times they're not but they fly under the SS radar.

This isn't about money/education though. This is about whether small children are okay being left alone while their parent sleeps off a hangover. I think most kids would bloody hate it.

Original poster
Snossidge · 13/09/2015 23:18

Being in a safe room with an adult in the same house is pretty minimal risk Confused Except for flooding and comets, obviously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snossidge · 13/09/2015 23:19

Are your kids quite anxious Lynda? What would they hate?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 13/09/2015 23:19

Thing is, playing in their room, is not the same as having access to the whole of the downstairs is it? Especially the kitchen.

The younger one may ask the older one for a snack, and no matter how sensible you believe your 5 year old to be, there's a chance he would go and climb and fall, or get a knife to cut cheese.

This wouldn't happen if you were downstairs, the youngest would ask you instead

You simply cannot say the risks are the same.

YABU they're too fucking young.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 13/09/2015 23:19

I think the 5 year old for a shorter period would be OK, but not with the 3 year old and not for an hour.

DixieNormas · 13/09/2015 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Snossidge · 13/09/2015 23:22

If they wanted something they'd ask me rather than each other, and they can't get to any knives anyway. Or open the fridge for that matter.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 13/09/2015 23:24

I set my alarm for 7 am at the weekends, 6 am in the week. My youngest is four (and autistic). He is normally asleep when my alarm goes. This morning he wasn't. He had not only vaulted the stair gate, he'd climbed to the fridge and poured Tropicana everywhere, he'd then made cereal with milk (also everywhere) but was sat happily on sofa covered in everything and watching CBeebies. I am not entirely sure how early he had woken but it was out of character. Frankly I was impressed that he'd managed to feed himself and not set the house on fire. I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do...set the alarm for 4 am, 5 am (just in case?). He can get out of the stairgate. I would (and have) happily napped on sofa with a hangover...but not sure of the answer, bar locking him in his room, if he decides it's time to go downstairs....

BastardGoDarkly · 13/09/2015 23:25

Why can't they get to any knives?

Or climb on the work top to get to the biscuits?

You seem extremely confident in what a 5 and 3 year old would/wouldn't do.

Zippidydoodah · 13/09/2015 23:29

Why did you actually start the thread?

I left my 3 in the car while I grabbed a couple of things from the local shop. Same ages as op's. Felt really bad but had no choice; on my own, one was asleep, needed a top up from online shop as essentials had run out.

Was that really bad?! I felt awful about it but wasn't sure what else I could have done. Wasn't waking him up, that's for sure!

LyndaNotLinda · 13/09/2015 23:31

No, not anxious. I think most kids would feel a bit bored and lonely if their parent told them not to disturb them for an hour. I know my DS would and I leave him in the house alone while I walk the dog.

He's nearly 9 and can't be arsed to come out.

So I'm not a really over-protective parent. Despite your best efforts to put me in that box :)

AlpacaBackPack · 13/09/2015 23:31

Mrs Ryan yep, we've always known where our children are, thank you very much, and we've minimised any risks at home by making sure that they can safely and easily make their own breakfast as per my earlier post. They have also always been able to get our attention instantly, if needed.

Would you like to comment on the relative levels of risk of a child having cereals at home with a parent in another room versus being driven to nursery by car?

I'm afraid that I don't agree with you that it's all about minimising risks . Of course, we all minimise risks wherever you can, but surely you will agree that we all take a MUCH higher risk by strapping our PFBs into a car seat than by leaving them alone in the kitchen (of course out of reach of any dangerous implements) for an hour or so?

If you don't agree then I'd be most interested to see what studies you base your research on. My own PhD (Cambridge) was on a different subject, but still close enough that I'd be interested in genuine studies on this subject.

CatMilkMan · 13/09/2015 23:32

I saw this thread earlier and ignored it.
YABU to leave children to look after themselves.
YABVU to post in AIBU and argue with posters. You are asking for people's opinions in general, you can't complain about how people feel.
Also, you can't look after your children because you are hungover? Are you trolling?

NuffSaidSam · 13/09/2015 23:36

No-one is entirely 100% predictable, but my DC were predictable enough at 5 and 3 that I could trust them to do/not do certain things.

Not all DC are the same and if your DC are not predictable then you are making the right decision to not leave them downstairs/in a room alone. That doesn't mean that the OP is unreasonable though.

Children mature at different rates. It's impossible to say ALL 5 year olds are unpredictable/can't be trusted etc., but that at 6/7/8/9 it's fine.

Some of the comments here about the OP's parenting are completely unfair (unless you know the DC, the layout of her house and how heavily she sleeps during a daytime nap, in which case my apologies, you go right ahead with your informed judgement).