Calling someone a 4x4 is as bad as racism

[Rufusgy]

Cbb related but I really don't see why this is acceptable at all. Should be classified as bad as many other 'isms' that have a zero tolerance in society.

Of course we think things about people and don't saying anything! Have you never thought that someone has had a disastrous new haircut? Or that their dh/new boyfriend is a bore? Or that their dcs are a pain in the arse? Or, indeed, that their political opinion does not accord with your own and therefore they are misguided?

Unless you are surrounded by people who are practically perfect in every way, then you must have had these thoughts and since discretion is the better part of valour I would have thought you would have resisted saying anything.

Let's say I used to think this way and judge people rhoda but now am far more enlightened to not do this whatever their background, circumstances etc.

I may well have not envied them the position they're in but I wouldn't call them a 4 x 4, think of them that way or think the worse of them for it. Really. And i'm no saint either. In fact really i would have to dislike someone intensely to think like this. Even Katie Price another 3 or 4 x 4 i cannot remember she doesn't deserve this name much though she's reviled here on MN.

And rhoda a new haircut, choice of partner is far different in my opinion to judging a woman for having children by more than one partner in a variety of circumstances. Good God I could apply this to my nana who had 2 x DC by 2 different marriages couldn't I?!

Er, no. Two children by two different marriages is not the same by a long chalk as having children with men where there is no commitment on either side. You seem to see women as these poor things who must be excused no matter what.

At ds's old school there was a child in his class whose mother had nine children by eight different men. The latest man was a good 20 years younger than her and was her lodger following his release from prison. I can tell you that certainly social workers were judging her and the impact of her choices on her children.

One break up is traumatic enough for a child to go through, let alone four in a relatively short space of time

Why would someone whose children have different dads almost certainly have lots of break ups in short spaces of time?

Many may have very large age gaps,many may not have had a relationship of the type that you perceive it to be.

I have over 20 years age gaps between my children, some of my children have experanced the death of their father, but they have only ever experanced 2 break ups

rhoda but unless you know the ins and outs of the relationship how do you know there was no commitment or expected commitment from the woman but she made unwise choices because I know of at least 1 woman that happened to, where they were let down by a man. Ffwd a good few years and they're settled and wiser.

I see the competitive non-judgementalism has started

Sometimes it's more stable than staying and fighting. I have kids with a bf from my teens and early 20s, we fought loads towards the end and split. He still sees his kids regularly and we're on better terms now. I then got pregnant by a friend I had a brief fling with who none of my kids even knew there was anything going on to break up. He sees all his kids, he also on occasion babysits for me to. Finally there's hubby who I've known since kids. He has one from a previous relationship who lives with us and we have ours together. Doesn't mean it's unstable for the kids. They all see their dad's and I get on with their dad's most of the time.

Not a judgement on the mother, but it must be terribly difficult if, like Ulrika, one of the dads turns out to be a shit who doesn't see his child. In some ways even more so than if none do. How do you explain to.one of your children that their dad hasn't sent a Christmas present.

Of course it isn't like racism.

Race - you are born, you have a race. Out of your control.

4x4 - although rude and nasty, in most cases the parent has achieved this themself

I'd judge anyone for having 4 children by 4 partners, man or woman. ????I'm not convinced the op understands racism though.

I have no idea where the question marks came from.

I don't understand why some couples choose to have another baby when they get into another relationship. If you already have 2 children with 2 different partners (mums or dads), why go on to have a 3rd with a 3rd partner and when that doesn't work out, have a 4th with the next partner.

It has a huge impact on the kids. One going to their dad's on a weekend, then next dad didn't stay in touch, the third only sees them once a month and the 4th does 50/50.
Or for the NRP, visiting 4 different children over the course of the week, trying to maintain some kind of relationship with each of them and never having all your kids in the same room at the same time.

It seems to me to be a selfish choice. 2 different partners I completely understand. 3 at a push, but I don't get 4. I think kids deserve more consideration than that.

I don't understand why some couples choose to have another baby when they get into another relationship. If you already have 2 children with 2 different partners (mums or dads), why go on to have a 3rd with a 3rd partner and when that doesn't work out, have a 4th with the next partner

Perhaps they want more children, perhaps they feel they can cope well with more. Perhaps they just do not think the same way as you do.

It has a huge impact on the kids. One going to their dad's on a weekend, then next dad didn't stay in touch, the third only sees them once a month and the 4th does 50/50

It's not unusual to try and arange contact so all the children have it at the same time the vast majority of parents are quite capable of prioritising what is in their children's best interests and often that may very well be taking account of other children in the families arangements. or if the other parent of one of the children has passed away or is not interested for the wider paternal family to have contact instead.

Or for the NRP, visiting 4 different children over the course of the week, trying to maintain some kind of relationship with each of them and never having all your kids in the same room at the same time

Do you always look at things from a negative perspective? It is not unusual for NRP's to have all their children together during contact, parents and courts routinely take into account the importance of being able to have a relationship with siblings.

It seems to me to be a selfish choice. 2 different partners I completely understand. 3 at a push, but I don't get 4. I think kids deserve more consideration than that

If you can prioritise the children's welfare and each child is a wanted well cared for one and then why does is it selfish? Or any more selfish than someone having more children with the same father?

I wonder if they would ever call a bloke with four kids by four different women a 4x4? Probably not

Exactly needsasock my middles ones see their dad at the same time his other kids do, my older ones dad lives with his gf and kid but works loads so they see more of each other than dad really but I get on with the gf and don't mind her coming round picking the kids up. I've got hers from places when she's been running late to. There's only drama if you create it. We all live pretty local so it's only a walk up the road to see either one

It isn't as bad, no. A woman could/ has chosen to have four children by four different men - she would have made that decision. The same as some men have multiple children by different women. It's a choice!

Having four children by four different men is in my opinion, shocking! Now I'm in no way saying it's ok to call someone a 4 x 4 but seriously, what kind of woman allows herself to become pregnant so many times with so many men. It's distasteful, and if I'm being honest it's not fair on the poor children involved, having multiple fathers, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc, I imagine it would be quite confusing

That's the issue, you only imagine it would be confusing. For most parents and their children it won't be confusing at all.the vast majority of parents are reasonable decent human beings who are quite capable of organising things in a way that makes it not upsetting or confusing.

What kind of woman becomes pregnant 4 times when different fathers are involved? Hmmm it's quite hard to generalise but I should imagine that perfectly normal women who want 3+ children and are perfectly capable of effectively parenting those children but for what ever reason do not remain with the same partner for life do.
The main difference between you and most of them is they want more children and do not spend their adult life with the same partner. I should imagine that in many other aspects of their lives they are not unlike those women who do wish to stay with the same partner for a life time and don't want more than 3 children.

I do understand that relationships breakdown and that later down the line a new couple will meet and they will maybe want to go on and have a child together, this is perfectly understandable and in general would be deemed by society to be acceptable. But for a woman to go on and keep getting pregnant by different men and not learning her lesson is I'm afraid, not acceptable

Perhaps she did learn a lesson. A very basic one. Sex causes babies in order to have a baby you usually have to have sex it's not unreasonable to imagine that could be the end goal and it's also not unreasonable to assume that it is not always going to be a bad thing or even that most of the time it won't be a bad thing.

Not everyone has to think the same way you do. Not everybody thinks having a baby in different circumstances to your normal is unacceptable or even that any other lesson needs to be learned.

Unless the parent of a child is an abuser or incapable of parenting,a childs parentage is rarely going to be a welfare concern and it would be quite unusual in the absence of abuse for a different child in the families parentage to be a welfare concern. Most parents are not abusers.

Needsasock os right. It's not confusing, it's not damaging and all my kids have a lot more frequent and flexible contact with their fathers than some things I read on here with kids in the middle of a one relationship breakup. We only live a couple streets away and they can go round whenever. That said I still wouldn't give a stuff what anyone called ne