to ask people not to tell my daughter she is beautiful?

[SummerMonths]

One of my daughters has very classical good looks: think long blonde curls, huge blue eyes, heart-shaped mouth. She is only six but people constantly tell her how gorgeous she looks, how lovely her hair is etc etc. She has many other qualities like a very inquisitive nature and very friendly demeanour but these are rarely commented on, it's all about her looks.

DD is becoming more and more obsessed with her looks. She talks about them a fair bit and panics if she's not looking good (eg she had impetigo on her face and was hysterical about being seen in public). I fear her self identity is becoming too wrapped up in her looks due to constant reinforcement by others that looks are important. Why can't people focus on her inquisitiveness or friendliness so they her internalised as her important features?

I started to ask friends and family not to mention my daughter's appearance. When I have this conversation I can see some people think I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

My DD has amazing hair & now figure (is 13) although of average looks I suppose. She gets a lot of attention for her hair and height/figure and it can get a bit cringy (strangers touching her hair in shops - lol!), but I always tell her that she is clever and funny - cos she is!! If she looks nice I will tell her, but I don't like all focus to be on looks as it's not really important. We bumped into her friend's mum shopping the other day and the mum went mental about how amazing DD looked - DD & I were like wtf afterwards!! DS is handsome and also gets comments on that - def not reserved for girls only!! He also gets comments on other aspects of his physique like his slim build, which he doesn't appreciate. Too much emphasis on looks in the world in general I think. Foster good self-esteem in children - like old can change so no good relying on them!!

*looks, not like old!!

I often follow up any comment like ''dd\ds is so cute\has beautiful hair" with.."thankyou ..and did you know she's super smart \ such a kind person..they....". You can't stop people commenting but your response teaches your child what is important. It's ok for children to know people like them, for whatever reason but the reason you love them is for a positive personality trait. Result..children who have positive body image AND know what is valuable. Funnily, as a chunky child I was often told I was 'Bonny/ had nice eyes' I knew that meant fat. Thankfully I also knew I was smart funny and kind and that was more important, because I also heard that from the adults in my home.

From the title of your post I came on to say YABU, but actually from reading the OP I can see why you are feeling this way. But remember the biggest influence on your DD is you. If you focus on giving her the right messages then that is the most important thing you can do.

That.

I think YABU to ask people not to remark as they are being nice.
However, I totally understand why you wish the focus on her looks was less.
We talk to my DD and DS about how it doesn't really matter what they look like on the outside, that it is MUCH more important to be kind and we also focus on what they can DO rather than what they look like, whether that is swimming, reading, helping others.

It's a fact of life that human beings notice physical appearance and that's not going to go away for your daughter by you controlling what people say around but I wouldnt' be above chiming in with "oh yes, and she did XYZ yesterday" or whatever when people compliment her looks!