to ask people not to tell my daughter she is beautiful?

[SummerMonths]

One of my daughters has very classical good looks: think long blonde curls, huge blue eyes, heart-shaped mouth. She is only six but people constantly tell her how gorgeous she looks, how lovely her hair is etc etc. She has many other qualities like a very inquisitive nature and very friendly demeanour but these are rarely commented on, it's all about her looks.

DD is becoming more and more obsessed with her looks. She talks about them a fair bit and panics if she's not looking good (eg she had impetigo on her face and was hysterical about being seen in public). I fear her self identity is becoming too wrapped up in her looks due to constant reinforcement by others that looks are important. Why can't people focus on her inquisitiveness or friendliness so they her internalised as her important features?

I started to ask friends and family not to mention my daughter's appearance. When I have this conversation I can see some people think I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

And we do concentrate on her other qualities. Plus I'm not really into my appearance so I don't spend much time on make-up etc. we try our best with the messages coming from home.

I always tell my DS (age 5) that he's beautiful.

One of my friends children is 12 and stunningly beautiful. I never mention it but that's all I hear other people comment on about her (not her mum and dad thankfully). I always ask her about other stuff or tell her she's worked really hard on something or how bright she's been to solve a problem etc.

both our DD and DS get told they look beautiful or they have nice hair or nice eyes or whatever. most people who don't know them well wouldn't know what their personalities are like or how inquisitive they are or what they like so cant comment on those things - when they comment on the kids looks its just small talk...

Getting upset over her appearance at 6 years old is not normal, I don't think that has come from unwanted and unnecessary comments from strangers

I think having a word with a few friends and family members sounds fine. They may think it's unnecessary, but they don't see the fallout.

I honestly think YANBU to ask your close/immediate family to do this. (Although she may have already noticed and sees herself as The Pretty One amongst her siblings/cousins.)
When it comes to friends and 'others' it's a grey area and will become a case of YABU.

Perhaps you should simply emphasise her other qualities and traits (too) at home. There's nothing wrong with telling all of your DH "You are all smart, beautiful and X, Y, Z". At some point most parents will have the conversation with their DC regarding society's emphasis/preference/ideals about beauty etc so that will be a good time to reinforce the importance of their self identify not being wrapped up in their appearance.

Why do you keep on banging on about girls and how bad you think it is for them OP? Why not boys?

As I said one of my sons is very good looking, the others as fine, but not head turning. Ds3 gets loads of comments; it doesnt affect him or anyone else in the family.

It's no more different than if one child is exceedingly clever and goes to Oxford, and the others don't, which will also get many praiseworthy comments.

Incidentally, why should brains be merited over looks? They are both luck. A baby doesn't chose to born with either.

There are surely worse things in the world. My eldest Ds was a very beautiful child and is handsome now. He often got comments. People will always comment and you cannot stop them. Just smile and move on. Some children have birthmarks/cleft lips etc. etc. and are subjected to 'comments'. Build up your children's self esteem in terms of their worth as human beings. That's all you can do. Let them know you love them for being them.

My oldest dd is usually mistaken for a boy (short hair, jeans and jumpers), and her looks aren't commented on. Comments are made about how boys are exhausting at that age but I'll be grateful when she's a teenager and boys are not bitchy and much easier.

Fwiw my sister was the blonde curls, blue eyed child who got a lot of attention for her looks. I was the older, not so cute, mousy one. I got practically ignored. It's not nice. I was actually a high level dancer at an early age, but it was always about my sisters looks "going to be a model", and other inane comments.

So op, you are completely right.

I really think, if you can back other qualities at home it's not going to be a problem.

As I said dd has been fawned over all her life. She would quite happily leave the house without brushing her hair every morning. She takes school very seriously and knows that big eyes and lovely hair means jack shit and won't help her in the future.

She does sports, enjoys getting sweaty etc. These comments don't effect her or what she does.

I am like you OP, I dont Spend a long time on my appearance. I do sweaty hobbies too, ds takes after me in those respects. She has seen me get joy and pride out of doing 'un glam' things. Maybe that's rubbed off on her.

My sons also got comments on their looks when they were little, esp ds1 who is very good looking. Now he's 9 he's still very good looking but people don't say it to his face any more, even though they may comment to me.
Boys really don't get treated the same as they get older.

My 14 year old DS does Barbarian

When you first see someone their looks is what you see. You don't how good they are reading/sports or what their personality is.

I wouldn't feel comfortable going out with impetigo on my face (and I'm certainly no beauty!). I remember when I had severe acne - it shot my confidence because it was so obvious.

Not to boys they don't. They are called brave or clever.

You write that like its a good thing but if boys get a big slice of that 'little man' crap they will grow up as dogged by performance expectations as much as a girl can be dogged by beauty expectations.

I think praising a child all the time for anything that is an innate quality, rather than a choice they are making, is problematic.
My dmil constantly goes on about how dd is "such a pretty little thing". It is the only positive thing about her she seems to recognise.
Similarly, my dad bangs on about how intelligent she is all the time.
She's not choosing to be (relatively) pretty and intelligent. She can't control these things. As she gets older, she may well get less pretty. She may be less intelligent - (whatever intelligence is - may no longer achieve ahead of her peers). And where does that leave her in their eyes?
I wish instead they would praise her for being kind and thoughtful and generous and helpful (all of which she is) - the moral choices which she can control.
I'll never control what they do though - all I can do is make decisions about what I praise her for.
You are definitely not being unreasonable to be concerned about your daughter feeling as you describe about her appearance at such a young age. That is really sad and worrying, and I wish you all luck in funding a way to help her with it.

YANBU. I would ask friends and family to tone it down a bit, although there's not much you can do about strangers or acquaintances. Maybe you could counter each compliment about her appearance with a comment about something she's achieved, to divert the tone of the conversation.

I think you're veering towards the ridiculous with regards to friends/ aquaintances. To be honest if I was chatting to you for example at the shops/school/playground/park and I mentioned how beautiful your childs hair is & you suggested I stop, I'd be moving along swiftly with a Christ you're hard work filed away for future reference.

With family it can be a bit different. Theres stuff I've asked my mum not to say infront of dd2. She's really clever, like super smart. She gets encouraged all the time at home and school but she also has two sisters and I'd rather every conversation at my mums didnt revolve around her. My mum rolls her eyes and I'm sure thinks I'm wrong but she tries. The difference being that my dd2 doesn't worry about her academic ability (she's 7).

Just tell her what I tell my daughter, who is averagely good-looking

"Beauty fades, dumb lasts forever"!!

Another way of looking at it; if she really is that stunning then using it better she gets used to comments through family and friends and learns how to deal with it? If she suddenly gets comments and admiration permanently when she's at school and going by herself into the wider world she may find it hard to deal with.

And of course she may not always be beautiful; a lot of beautiful chikdren end up as ordinary looking adults, so she may need to learn to deal with that too, should it happen.

Oh, and if you were my friend or family member, and asked me to support you with this and explained the reasons, I'd do all in my power to help. A little child should not feel so worried about their appearance at such a young age.

YABU. It's your job to teach her that looks are not so important and that people are just making polite conversation but that although she is beautiful she needs to make sure the more important traits like kindness and quiet confidence are part of her too. Also that butting value on beauty is not a good trait for her. That's your job. She is lucky she is pretty but it could be the undoing if her without good guidance from you.

I forgot who posted it but I 100% agree that children should be praised for qualities they can control. DD2 is friendly and curious and kind and I would love society to send her a message that she is admired for those qualities.

There's nothing wrong with being beautiful, or being told she is imo, so long as her other positive traits are also identified, praised/encouraged/developed.