to ask people not to tell my daughter she is beautiful?

[SummerMonths]

One of my daughters has very classical good looks: think long blonde curls, huge blue eyes, heart-shaped mouth. She is only six but people constantly tell her how gorgeous she looks, how lovely her hair is etc etc. She has many other qualities like a very inquisitive nature and very friendly demeanour but these are rarely commented on, it's all about her looks.

DD is becoming more and more obsessed with her looks. She talks about them a fair bit and panics if she's not looking good (eg she had impetigo on her face and was hysterical about being seen in public). I fear her self identity is becoming too wrapped up in her looks due to constant reinforcement by others that looks are important. Why can't people focus on her inquisitiveness or friendliness so they her internalised as her important features?

I started to ask friends and family not to mention my daughter's appearance. When I have this conversation I can see some people think I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

I read somewhere (will try to find it) that not telling girls they're beautiful doesn't make them concentrate on other aspects of themselves, it just makes them assume they're not beautiful.

Very sad on many levels, that, but useful to know if you're worrying about people going on about her beauty. I think it's ok to say 'yes you are very beautiful but also/more importantly you are funny and you always try really hard'. I think we have to be explicit about challenging implicit norms rather than trying to trick our kids into thinking differently - too hard to go against the tide otherwise.

Oh my YANBU. I have boys but I'm very aware having had children myself that I used to say appearance related things to girls and character related things to boys. TBH it was lazy conversation making drivel from me. Now I try to actually think about what small talk I make to other people's kids and if talking to them try hard to make it child specific. Hope other people try to be thoughtful when speaking to mine. It's in the same category as "boys will be boys" etc which drives me bonkers!

I've found this thread very interesting because I deliberately don't tell my DDs they are beautiful but I don't really know if that is the correct thing to do.

They aren't model- pretty but they are cute enough at this age (9 & 6) and I do tell them "that dress really suits you, you look really smart" etc. However, I have no idea how attractive they will be when they grow up and I don't want to promote their appearance as a "remarkable" consideration at the level of their own home. I don't think I'd care if I thought they were definitely likely to grow up stunning - then they need to learn to deal with that - but my concern is more about them being upset when they are older because they want to be prettier than they actually are.

I have no idea though - given the reality is that we live in a world that values appearances I'm doing my DDs a disservice by not installing a feeling in them from an early age that they are beautiful (amongst other things), perhaps that's a better route to stronger self esteem.

I think you're worrying too much!

I was ready to say YABU. However, from what you have said about your daughter then maybe you are not. It sounds like she may be taking it on board too much.

Are people still funny when you explain?

I tell DD she's beautiful and DS he's handsome. It's true, to me.

Hi OP, this hit a note with me.

I've recently had to question this myself.
Both of my children {a boy and a girl} regularly get told how good looking they are, people say it to me and to them a lot, and I would judge it to be more than their peers.

However recently my daughter {who is 7} had surgery to remove a massive tumour in her chest. She now has a very big scar running around her trunk.
It has been heartbreaking after all she has been through, that her concern is that she is not going to be 'cute and adorable' {her words} any more.

Obviously from our POV that scar means the difference between her being dead or alive, so we are hugely grateful for the surgery. But she is the one that has to live with the effects to her body and self esteem.

We were able to have psychological support through the hospital, and one of the psychs questions was around why she values herself by the way that she looks, and places a big importance in that.
I'm sure there are other influences as well, such as TV, friends etc , but there is no doubt that these regular comments you refer to, have had a part in making her feel / value herself that way.
{FWIW, I've always made a point of telling both my son and daughter they are beautiful, for things that are NOT physically related, so that they do not associate being beautiful with their physical appearance.}

I DON'T think it's positive to ask others not to focus on it though, as I don't believe it is a negative. Just that it's not healthy to ONLY value yourself by your looks.

What we are doing instead for our daughter is focussing on her believing in her worth through other things, such as being strong, clever, determined and in relation to the scar, brave, given what she has been through.

We are also teaching her not to cover up the scar / how she looks {she is in year 3, so they still change for PE together in the classroom for example}, but to understand that her beauty is not defined by her physical looks, or the scar so she shouldn't be embarrassed for others to see. She wears a bikini still when swimming etc.

So I'd encourage you to do the same. IE not to make being good looking a negative thing / ask others not to focus on it. But instead to shift yours, and others you feel comfortable discussing it with, focus to other positive things instead for self worth. :)

ginger - how brave your daughter is. And how sad that as a survivor and a fighter, that is her worry. to you and your family.

To everyone who says that it's not possible to 'control this' - you CAN influence how people relate to your kids, though you can't obviously have total control. Years and years ago, when I met the 6 year old of an older colleague (one of the first smalls I'd encountered as a young woman), I said 'Hello Princess!' without really thinking (I called my old cat princess and I guess my mental process went 'They are both cute, so...'). And she said 'Oh no - we don't do the princess thing, or the pink thing. We're trying to be as gender neutral as possible - you wouldn't believe the pressure on little girls - everything is pink'. She said it really nicely, but I became aware that I'd sort of unwittingly involved myself in a whole world of gender politics and that it was completely against what I actually believed. So I just corrected straight away. I wasn't offended at all because she was so cool about it. It can be done, without seeming mad or causing offence!

it will happen and continue to happen because she is pretty and sometimes people just like to talk and say things sometimes just for something to say! I CAN see where your coming from, but just smile politely and let it wash over you. you need to make sure your daughter knows that other qualities are good too and to see them in other people that are not as good looking as she it. Its what is inside that matters too is a good start maybe? I have tried to teach my two to be humble and count their blessings, which isn't a very trendy thing to do these days( and may even be wrong, who knows?)

Wonderful not so stealth boast

I was also going to say that YABU until I read all your OP and realised that actually, no, you have a valid concern.

I think it is reasonable for you to ask your friends and family to try and steer clear of the "model" and "you're so gorgeous" comments, especially if they aren't as effusive over your other children - perhaps say that you're concerned she's getting a bit vain and big headed about her looks, that usually appeals to people to dial it back a bit? If they can, that is. SOME people just can't help themselves.

However I do also agree that your main gameplan is going to have to be to manage this situation - to try and counter the comments with "yes, her hair i lovely but did you see this picture she did?" or "Oh I don't think modelling is a great career, DD is far more interested in animals (or whatever)". Try to politely accept the comment but offset it with something else without being rude - a fine line to tread but you'll become expert the more you practise! - and make sure that your DD realises how little you value the comments on her looks, and how much more value you place on her behaviour and achievements, without belittling her looks (because she needs to still feel happy with herself, and good about herself).

OP, I don't think you can really change how people talk to your child, so you need to work directly on her self-image and continue to emphasise that looks aren't important and that they change over time too.

My DD still too young to really understand but if people continue to tell her that she's beautiful as she grows up I will just continue to reinforce to her that it's who she is as a person that's important. Also, to be honest, in my experience, children who are very pretty pre puberty usually end up as average-looking young adults and it's the "ugly ducklings" that often end up stunning. I remember my mum telling me this as a young child and it really helped me see myself and others in a different light. As it happens she was right, both with the "princesses" and the "ducklings" that I knew as a child.

ginger re your DD, I also (as well as my velvet skinned DD ) have DC with SN, who have a difference in their physical appearance. Just to reassure you and your DD, we have never had a negative comment from other children (a few ignorant adults have made crass comments) and my DC have grown up either unbothered or actively proud. DC do ask questions but they are from curiosity and free from adult judgements.

Sometimes I see threads on MN about how people fear their DC will be bullied for a difference, and in our case it just hasn't been true. (I do appreciate this may not be the case for everybody). I just wanted to say you sounding like you are dealing with it wonderfully by not covering or hiding her scar. I hope she keeps well

ginger another thought (sorry for slight hijack) is that as my DC grew they met DC with the same condition. One of my DDs has also been involved with younger DC at support groups, and emphasising that she is older and can be a good "role model" to younger people who might feel self conscious, helped enormously. It gave her a really positive outlook.

Ginger - sorry to hear that your daughter was so unwell. She sounds very brave and I hope that as time passes she stops worrying about the impact her surgery had on her appearance.

MrsD - I wasn't comparing racist comments with comments about being beautiful. I was using racism as an example of something we would all challenge if it was being modelled in front of our children. My aim was to counter the blunt statements some posters had made that you should not, and could not, challenge how people talk to your children. Of course you should challenge people in some circumstances. We would all (I hope) challenge racism and I am considering whether it's also appropriate to challenge comments that feed into the message that appearance is of key importance of you are female. I also never meant to imply that blonde and blue eyed was the only traditional perception of beauty, I am sorry if I implied that. You seem really irked by my posts and I am sorry for that as I have often admired the advice you have given on other threads.

To those who think this thread exists just so I can boast, all I can say is what on earth is the point of boasting under a false name to a load of strangers who have no idea who I am???? I do not understand how that would be gratifying. I was actually raising an issue that concerns me and that I'm trying to think through carefully. I appreciate those who have given thoughtful advice on raising small girls to have a positive self image not contingent on appearance. There are some really good suggestions on this thread. I also hope that maybe this thread will have made some readers consider what they focus on when praising children.

Well said MrsDeVere.

People have no other reason for saying it other than to be nice to you and your DC.To tell them not to say it sounds a bit churlish IMO. I never tell achild who is old enough to understand anything about being beautiful (unless perhaps they are a little 'unfortunate' looking) because I really don't think it is appropriate.
Lots of people do though to all little girls (and boys) .Lets face it there are very few 5 and 6 yr old girls who do not look appealing.Others like the look of children which remind them of their own at that age.
Another thing which a poster upthread said, some children kind of like the compliments , maybe too much , and know how to charm and be cutsie and kind of 'expect' and thus get,compliments.

It's hard to tell people not to say things. I share your pain, though. There was a great piece doing the rounds about what we could say to young girls instead - eg what books are you reading? what's your favourite subject at school? What are your hobbies? etc. I tend to just try and lead by example.

There's an amazing educator called Alfie Cohen, who researches the effects of 'compliments' and 'rewards' on children. His theory is that they make children dependant on other people's approval. He has great tips for changing the language we use around kids away from things like "you're so good at xxxx.'" to 'question' based conversation like "what did you like most about xxxx." Its so they learn to become more confident in their own likes and dislikes and abilities. Really thought provoking stuff.

Another fab tip I've learned to help girls become more confident is to really listen to them, without interruption. They are likely to loose confidence a bit in their teens, so its really important to teach them that their views and opinions are important.

If people actually think boys don't get all this stuff too you're seriously mistaken. My son is told by everyone how gorgeous he is, how big and beautiful his eyes are and that his smile is like no other. I don't have a problem with it... it's true. People also comment on how witty and strong he is too. Again, thats also true. My son isn't old enough to care. But if and when he ever is he will be taught to embrace all his qualitys. I feel the way we look at ourselves aswell as other people is taught at home through example...not anywhere else.
Think of the impact it may have on your daughter if people didn't compliment her. Would you rather her be a little over confident slightly self obsessed or insecure. Being over confident and a little superficial passes with abit more maturity. Let her have her youth, allow her to hold on to this time she won't look like that forever.

By way of comparison, I was not complimented as a child on my looks, but on my "intelligence". From the age of about 7 I was perpetually praised for my reading and writing skills, my flair for art and my amazing academia compared to others of my age. I was always top of the class, revered by my teachers and congratulated by my parents and by strangers who heard me speak. I was primed from a young age, that I would have qualifications beyond anyone's wildest dreams and a fantastically successful career. I was even popular at school for being clever, maybe a bit pretty and funny.

So imagine my shock at around the age of 12 when I learned that in fact, there were vast numbers of people far smarter than me, that I was very ordinary and nothing special after all. Slowly my golden glow faded into my teens, and now at the age of 43 I battle every day to be better than the best, to be the cleverest and fastest and most intelligent person in the room, and every day I fail and it makes me miserable that I'll never be that brilliant child ever again.

I imagine the same kind of thing could happen for a child repeatedly praised for their looks. I believe that there should be a healthy balance - and that a child should be encouraged to have their own opinions and learn what it means to be "true to themselves". I didn't learn what that even meant until I was 35, I didn't know that I didn't have to live my life around the wishes and desires and preferences of other people.

I make sure I tell my boys they are gorgeous, as I was never complimented as a child. It did impact my self esteem. I agree with others who say it's about balancing it all out at home. Praising the child on multiple levels, helping them build their own confidence.

Just a cautionary tale here about going too far in the other direction...

My mum was of the school of never telling us we were beautiful, always telling us we were intelligent, focusing on what we were reading etc. Was quite against any kind of adornment, discouraged me from dressing up, wearing make-up (when the time came) etc. Went out of her way (or so it seemed at the time) to dress us badly as children. Hammered it into us that it wasn't what you looked like that matters, it was what our brain was like.

We did do well at school and have good jobs. And in some ways I respected her for getting us to focus on qualities aside from aesthetics and some of it went it.

But it did leave me with life-long body dismorphia. I convinced myself, at the time of puberty, that the reason my mum was downplaying all these things is because she secretly thought I was too ugly to find a partner/husband. It probably wasn't the only factor, but it was a major contributory factor in a low self esteem issue that I still haven't totally shaken off.

Its very important for girls not to feel that they are only beautiful. But if you go too far on the other direction you leave them feeling not only that they are not beautiful, but that you are going out of your way to prep them for a life which can't include love, basically because you're too hideous to look at.

So by all means play down the "oh she's so gorgeous" tendency. But please don't allow them to feel that beauty is something to be sneered at or avoided, or, worse still "not for you."