to ask people not to tell my daughter she is beautiful?

[SummerMonths]

One of my daughters has very classical good looks: think long blonde curls, huge blue eyes, heart-shaped mouth. She is only six but people constantly tell her how gorgeous she looks, how lovely her hair is etc etc. She has many other qualities like a very inquisitive nature and very friendly demeanour but these are rarely commented on, it's all about her looks.

DD is becoming more and more obsessed with her looks. She talks about them a fair bit and panics if she's not looking good (eg she had impetigo on her face and was hysterical about being seen in public). I fear her self identity is becoming too wrapped up in her looks due to constant reinforcement by others that looks are important. Why can't people focus on her inquisitiveness or friendliness so they her internalised as her important features?

I started to ask friends and family not to mention my daughter's appearance. When I have this conversation I can see some people think I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

Interesting topic.

I think all you can do is praise her yourself for other things - for working hard, for being kind, for behaving in a thoughtful way. It's important, I think, to praise kids for what they do rather than what they are.

(I should add that I don't follow my own advice on this. But it's what I believe.)

MrsGently - I think my eldest DD was having an experience similar to yours. She is a fabulous girl and obviously I think she's gorgeous too but people used to go on effusively about her sister and then look at her and say "and haven't you grown?". Having said that she's recently started competing in a sport and now she gets comments about how well she's doing and she just beams, it's praise about her hard work and I think it motivates her to practise even more. Praise about beauty doesn't motivate one to do much other than preen.

I have to disagree here that people don't do this to boys. My son since he was tiny has had constant praise and comments about his looks, he has large piercing very pale blue eyes, with long black lashes (sadly doesn't get this from me) and people literally do a double take when we're out and say how gorgeous he is. So it's not just girls. I wouldn't dream of telling people to refrain from complimenting him

I think it happens to boys but usually to a lesser extent and often combined with more praise for other things as well. Also boys don't have the same media pressure to look good, Male characters in children's books are often stronger, boys' toys are less likely to focus on appearance... so complimenting a boy on his appearance doesn't reinforce a thousand other appearance related messages.

SummerMonths

It's fantastic your daughter gets praised for her talents! If course it's not about looks, however, I personally grew up in an area where girls were expected to settle down early, have a boyfriend and a couple of kids by their mid twenties (my home town is stuck about 50 years ago ). So, my bookish-ness and good grades didn't mean much - making an effort so the boys would 'like me' was far more important! I was even basically called an old maid on one of my visits back from university. Of course, most of these idiots who value looks over other virtues and talents are not the norm (or the fact I now live in a city, where no one makes eye contact, not to talk about chatting nonsense, makes it seem like a better place!).

My oldest dd is forever being told how beautiful she is. Twice I was approached by child modelling scouts about her. I have 3 kids whom I love absolutely equally but no one ever compliments the looks of my other two kids. Ds is older and really doesn't care or notice. But my youngest dd does notice and mentions it. I tell her to ignore it and she's just as beautiful but when some comments come from within your own family it does hurt a bit.

Explain to her that people say children are beautiful/handsome even when its not true, and they're just being polite.
You have to say something when a mother proudly presents her child to you for the first time, you can't comment on personality if you don't know them.

The worst thing is when they comment on one child to the detriment of another.

I remember in my early teens being at a hotel seated around a table with my parents and brother who had (and still has) thick, curly, very blond hair. The proprietress just looked from him to me (ordinary brown hair) and said "Aww - what a shame! It's so unfair isn't it?"

Actually the unfair works on about three levels here.

It made me feel very depressed - but perhaps it had a more sinister effect on him ... ?

You see, I kind of agree with Mrs DV as well. My DD is beautiful - and again, I know everyone thinks their own children are wonderful, but I am being impartial here. Other people, including strangers, have commented on her looks since she was very small. And I have always told her she's beautiful and I still do. I sort of think it's wrong because it's made her a bit vain (though again, all her friends are too - teenage girls now seem to be obsessed with looks) but I can't help it. I just look at her and think how lovely she is and tell her. I get a certain amount of pleasure just from looking at her.

I wouldn't want her to think that's the most important thing, though.

yanbu

A child will soon realise they are getting more comments about their looks than others and being noticed for this at such a young. Yes young children get attention but when it is constantly about their looks how is that helpful

I was aware I got more fuss and I know others who have been yet I never really remember being told how clever I was the message I got was you are lucky you are a
a very pretty girl it will do you well in life

Being told how cute is not the same as being told wow you are a beautiful little girl, you are so pretty and being fussed over because of this I would point out how clever she is at maths or science or how good she is at art so she is getting the message from you other things are more important

All you can do is manage the input she has from home.

I don't think it's different for boys actually or at least not at this age. Although both my dc have had comments (as have had all kids I reckon) ds has always always had far more comments. They are starting to tail off a bit now he's almost 9 and I think it's because he is usually wearing a football strip or people know he's into football so they talk to him about that. Dd gets a lot of comments still at 5 but in a different aort of way. I don't know how to describe it but ds is blonde haired and blue eyed and dd has coppery hair, olive skin and blackish brown eyes and people have always been more, sort of, in awe of ds with his colouring? It's weird and not something I'm entirely comfortable with tbh.

I totally agree with society placing too much emphasis on female looks to the detriment of other actual qualities. Unfortunately this isn't going to change immediately, so as a parent our job is just to balance it out. Praise in ways that reinforce her self confidence as a person, she's kind, or she works hard etc etc.

I think at 6, any "issues" she has are much more likely to be about the impetigo. It's a good age though to maybe talk about make up and why some people wear it...when she is a little older I would be discussing why boys and men generally don't wear make up etc etc, and why she thinks this is.

My DC are older now and one has, and always has had, the most gorgeous skin. Freckles that suit her, and the texture of her skin is like velvet. Random people used to touch it when she was little which drove me mad but it really is "magnetic". Now she's a teen I thank god for all the positive comments she has received over the years as she has self confidence and doesn't wear any make up even though a lot of her friends are very orange and hide behind their hair.

People commenting on our DDs looks are reflecting society, but kind words never harmed anyone. As long as you balance it out and demonstrate with your words and actions what is really important.

when I was a kid, people used to always say I was the pretty one and my sister was the clever one.I longed to be the clever one.I think it affected my confidence quite deeply actually.

It basically suggesta asking little girls about what they're reading/what they've done today/what they want to be when the grow up as a conversation starter, rather than telling them how nice their shoes are or similar

Its not just your DD its most girls.

I read that blog and think the points are excellent. I would certainly print it off and just say in a really sweet way - DD is becoming worried about her looks, I would really appreciate it if you could mention these things - ideas in here when you see her.

Yes totally agree Mrs Dever, I personally do occasionally tell DD she is lovely, but our society is top heavy on it, and if ops relatives go on about her looks lots- then I don't see harm in asking them to mention her other attributes. It doesnt just come from there either, its from tv, films, magazines, friends, etc etc etc.

I was also always marked out for being pretty, and I did define myself by my looks, I wish there had been more balanced compliments to be honest, as it was hard when I turned to lard.

I think that there is a huge difference between people saying 'your children are beautiful' to a group of attractive children, and people regularly calling just one child out and saying to that individual 'isn't your hair wonderful', 'you are so gorgeous', 'what a princess' etc etc

One is like background noise really, but the other can become very defining.

Also the OP has already said she doesn't value looks, doesn't spend ages dressing etc, so she is already modeling 'looks aren't that important'.

Plus little girls can get very focused on their looks at this sort of age when they internalise all the disney princess messages, which are still very much about looks and still over value long blond hair and blue eyes. I remember my little girl (blue eyed and blond haired still at that age) getting very upset at having 'fat' thighs at a very similar age and obsessing about the importance of prettiness. I am a hugely scruffy, non make up wearing working mum and my family have never valued looks (probably excessively academically orientated if anything) and yet dd still picked up this message, and yes every stranger we met commented on her appearance and very rarely on ds.

I never got praised for my looks as a child and when I got a shedload of it when I was a bit older I wasn't used to it and it made me squirm.

My dds and ds get praised for their looks ALOT and because of it it doesn't phase them at all and I told them to answer thank you, in a gracious way.

It's my job to bring them up so that they are kind, thoughtful, sporty, academic etc.

When my dd got scouted by Storm (modelling agency) the friends who were with her went hysterical with excitement but my dd just rang me saying she'd been given a card and could I check it out? She was level headed and unphased because being stopped for her looks was nothing new. She was 14 at the time.

So I think how you deal with it is important, giving them confidence in other ways especialy sports, music, art etc will help take the pressure and focus off looks alone.

I do kind of get where you're coming from. DD has very striking eyes and has always received comments about them. I used to tell her that it was because her eyes showed the world her kind soul. I know, I'm a bit wanky!

That said, I think if you go into the average classroom of 6 year olds, the vast majority would be considered beautiful. It's a very cute age!

And LOL Wotoodoo. In a thread full of parents saying how beautiful their kids are, your Storm scouted DD is a total thread smackdown!

Nooka - you totally get where I am coming from. Thank you!

MrsD - I did not mean I wanted to deny DD is attractive and hide that recognition from her. I meant I want to stop the message that it's the most important thing about her.

Just to be clear I not talking about stopping strangers and new acquaintances remarking on DD's looks. I understand that when you first meet a child you can't say much else. I'm talking about friends and family who see DD often and frequently talk about her appearance.

As others have already said you cant stop strangers commenting on your daughter's look as that is literally the only thing they know about her but in a situation like that I always make a point of agreeing with them that my daughter is beautiful but go on to say that more importantly she is clever/brave/funny and insert a different adjective each time.