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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask people not to tell my daughter she is beautiful?

155 replies

SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 07:56

One of my daughters has very classical good looks: think long blonde curls, huge blue eyes, heart-shaped mouth. She is only six but people constantly tell her how gorgeous she looks, how lovely her hair is etc etc. She has many other qualities like a very inquisitive nature and very friendly demeanour but these are rarely commented on, it's all about her looks.

DD is becoming more and more obsessed with her looks. She talks about them a fair bit and panics if she's not looking good (eg she had impetigo on her face and was hysterical about being seen in public). I fear her self identity is becoming too wrapped up in her looks due to constant reinforcement by others that looks are important. Why can't people focus on her inquisitiveness or friendliness so they her internalised as her important features?

I started to ask friends and family not to mention my daughter's appearance. When I have this conversation I can see some people think I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 13/09/2015 08:53

I think you have a very good point, and it would not be unreasonable to ask close family not to comment on her looks.
But you would be drawing attention to her looks if you were to ask randoms not to mention them.
Focus instead on the relative importance of other attributes, such as being kind or proactive. It can't be good for your other children to hear their sibling being constantly praised for something which has required no effort.

Bakeoffcake · 13/09/2015 08:59

I get this with dd1, it used to make me pretty angry, especially when dd2 was usually stood right there too and they wouldn't make any comments to her. People are idiots.

I used to reply "yes both my DDs are beautiful aren't they, as are your DC" then quickly change the subject.

I also told my family that we tried not to concentrate on physical appearance, as it wasn't very important and so could they please stop making comments. My parents were constantly commenting on my appearance and weight what I was a teenager, I have terrible body image issues (I think I'm fat and I'm a size 8/10) so was determine that wasn't happening to my DDs.

Aridane · 13/09/2015 09:23

Impetigo is the pits - why wouldn't the poor girl be upset?

User595994944 · 13/09/2015 09:23

Interesting one. As a young child I was raved about by both parents about being so pretty and so clever. As an older a child pre-teen, relative to others I was probably neither (my parents insisted I was still both, which was lovely but in isolation, unhelpful). Being told you are universally brilliant when you are about the same as all your peers - or less, objectively - does weird things to your sense of self. I had an unfounded, fragile confidence which blew up in my face as soon as I reached an age where teachers and other adults, and other teens, were happy to give an unvarnished appraisal of my academic abilities and appearance.

I wonder if my parents had focused on things I had more control of - kindness, politeness, willingness to make huge efforts to achieve things - that I would have had a stronger sense of self and wouldn't have been so bothered about criticism. Teaching me that most things are hard won and that different people have different strengths, that I was lovely as I was but had more to offer than looks, and that being top of the class wasn't everything would have been helpful, in hindsight.

I'm trying to learn from this with my DCs, no idea if I'm succeeding as they are in my eyes both gorgeous and clever

Desertedislander · 13/09/2015 10:12

My toddler gets this all the time. This weekend we've been at a festival and people have asked to take photos of him. I hope he grows up knowing how handsome he is... Amongst other things.

Desertedislander · 13/09/2015 10:13

I see where you're coming from, but IMO YABU. I often tell little girls I like their hair/shoes, as I do boys (even when I don't). It's hard to know whether they're friendly or fabulous readers when you meet in passing.

AnnieNon · 13/09/2015 10:38

YANBU

I think you can ask family and friends not to go on about her looks. You don't want kids to feel defined by one thing.

I had one child who used to get loads more remarks about their looks than the others. It's not true that all kids get complimented to the same degree.

It's the same problem with other things such as height, being very slim or being very clever.

BrandNewAndImproved · 13/09/2015 10:49

My ds gets this all the time, wow your going to be (yuk) heartbreaker when you grow up, your eyelashes are so beautiful and long, oh your so handsome the girls will always be knocking at your door ect ect. It's not just girls that get this. We as a society are programmed to like our idea of beauty.

MaddyinaPaddy · 13/09/2015 10:54

You are biased, people say this to all little girls.really they do.

attheendoftheday · 13/09/2015 10:59

I read an article once that recommended trying to tell your daughter that their beautiful at times when they're sweaty or muddy or whatever, and to use phrases like "Everything about you is beautiful to me". That's what I try to do.

YANBU to be concerned about emphasis on beauty to young girls. It's so limiting.

Original poster

SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 11:12

Maddy - ages not time only little girl. I'm in a pretty good position to judge whether she gets more of this attention than others. As noted earlier all kids do get this but she gets it sooooooo much. Anyway the point is it's not a healthy message when combined with all the other appearance focused messages that children, especially girls, are subject to.

OP posts:

Original poster

SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 11:14

Oops. Auto correct gone mad. Should read "She is not my only little girl"....

OP posts:

Spidertracker · 13/09/2015 11:20

I think you are being unreasonable because it is you who should teach your child their own definition of beautiful.
My DD is nearly 6 and she knows that when people say she is beautiful it is because she smiles and shows the world she has a beautiful heart

ShiningWhite · 13/09/2015 11:37

YANBU at all, I completely agree.

bananafish · 13/09/2015 11:39

it isn't really feasible to police other people's reactions. If you have a child that has unusual or striking looks, then people will comment - it is what it is.

I think you just have to balance it out in other ways. And, it is not only girls this happens to, either. My eldest son is out of the ordinary beautiful (he has been in a Gap ad campaign, for example). He always has been, conversation inevitably includes comment on his looks. He is 8 now and used to it, but he also knows it is just one aspect of him that people notice.

We reinforce to him that we value his other qualities. He isn't the most academic child, but he tries really hard and we respect that very much, and that he is kind, and is good at sport, and so on.

I think parents and family have more influence in shaping how you deal with that attention than you seem to believe.

CatEyeFlick · 13/09/2015 11:49

yanbu

juneau · 13/09/2015 11:58

I actually get where you're coming from OP and think you're doing the right thing. IMO there is FAR too much focus on girls' looks, their body shape, etc at a young age and its really unhealthy. No little girl needs to even be aware of her 'looks'. A six-year-old who is worried that she's got impetigo, because it makes her look less gorgeous? That's definitely something to worry about and I, like you, really fear the objectification of young girls.

Boys rarely, if ever, get comments about what they're wearing or how they look, yet with girls its all 'What a pretty dress!' and 'I love your hair', etc. If we want girls to grow up mentally strong and ready to go for the job they want, even in a male-dominated field, we need to be raising them to value what's inside their heads, not the shell they inhabit.

Original poster

SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 12:12

Spider - it's rather hard to make a child believe that when people talk about their beauty they mean their internal beauty if the comments are a constant stream of: "Your hair is gorgeous", "You could be a model", "In that pretty dress with your girls you look like a little princess"....

OP posts:

ML29 · 13/09/2015 12:16

I think YABU to tell others not to compliment your daughter.

My DD's get told all the time they are stunning and beautiful, it pretty much goes over their heads and they really don't take any notice of it. I have noticed the older one beginning to get a bit embarrassed about it.

TBH, I would be worried if either of them became obsessed with their looks, and I would not be blaming it on the fact they get complimented on their looks.

It sounds like your little girl has other issues with self-esteem going on, maybe to do with the impetigo and nothing to do with the compliments. I would be focusing on her well being and self image, and not on other peoples comments.

My 9 yo nephew , who is stunning, gets really grumpy when he is complimented on his looks, at a recent family wedding one of the old aunts told him that he was 'too pretty to be a boy', he went totally ape-shit on my brother and SIL, poor guy !

catfordbetty · 13/09/2015 12:29

Well, by thirteen she may well be gonk. I can imagine it now - "And when I was little you didn't even let me be beautiful!"

maggieryan · 13/09/2015 12:38

That so strange. I was only thinking about this today. I'm constantly telling my 3 yr old shes beautiful and so pretty. Kind of hard not to when she is standing there in her princess dress, hand on hips waiting for the praise and I only thought should I be doing this. Am I setting her up for a fall. I also call her clever etc but she loved the praise about her looks more...hard to know what to do so no, yanbu

MissMarpleCat · 13/09/2015 12:53

Yanbu. Take a look at the book 'The Beauty Myth' by Naomi Woolf, a sociologist who has written extensively about this subject.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 13/09/2015 12:56

Hmm I'm in two minds. I don't think it's an awful thing to be called beautiful. However, some people do called one child beautiful and ignore the other - it's exactly what happened to me. One of my sisters was the picture of a 'cherub child', curly blonde hair down to her waist, big 'bambi' eyes, perfectly shaped face.. You get the idea. People always used to say to her "aren't you the prettiest thing", and if they happened to realise I was also there, I'd get the awkward 'oh, Gently, don't you look like you mum/dad/old aunt fanny! Really growing up now...'. Really wish I could say puberty hit my sister with the ugly stick, whilst I became a beautiful swan. But of course she's drop dead gorgeous, the only thing puberty gave her was huge boobs. Cow .

Anyway, I don't think there's a need to make an issue from it, but if your other kids are around when these things are said, I would probably make some passive comment about the others looks/talents etc.

WorraLiberty · 13/09/2015 12:58

YABU because you're pissing against the wind.

You can't control the rest of society, so you need to focus on your daughter's interpretation of it all and teach her that looks really aren't as important as her personality/brains etc.

That's one of your many jobs as a parent. There's no point in frustrating yourself by asking other people to change.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 13/09/2015 13:05

YANBU

I think just post that huffpost article onto your Facebook and people will realise what they've been doing wrong.

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