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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask people not to tell my daughter she is beautiful?

155 replies

SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 07:56

One of my daughters has very classical good looks: think long blonde curls, huge blue eyes, heart-shaped mouth. She is only six but people constantly tell her how gorgeous she looks, how lovely her hair is etc etc. She has many other qualities like a very inquisitive nature and very friendly demeanour but these are rarely commented on, it's all about her looks.

DD is becoming more and more obsessed with her looks. She talks about them a fair bit and panics if she's not looking good (eg she had impetigo on her face and was hysterical about being seen in public). I fear her self identity is becoming too wrapped up in her looks due to constant reinforcement by others that looks are important. Why can't people focus on her inquisitiveness or friendliness so they her internalised as her important features?

I started to ask friends and family not to mention my daughter's appearance. When I have this conversation I can see some people think I'm being ridiculous. AIBU?

OP posts:
LilacSpunkMonkey · 13/09/2015 22:24

Shave her head and sellotape her nose upwards.

Or stop being so precious over such a ridiculous thing.

Original poster
SummerMonths · 13/09/2015 23:28

I totally will Lilac. Thank you.

OP posts:
dolcelatteLover · 14/09/2015 00:36

I dunno. My dns are 1dark haired and a kind of Mediterranean look.the other ,thw youngest blond haired blue eyed.people make more of a fuss of her because she is the little one. I have noticed now she kind of works it. She stands their with a big smile and makes eye contact and is almost as though she is demanding compliments, whereas her sister kind of just sidles ib and stays in the background. They are both equally nice looking. But one 'pkays to the gallery' and gets all the compliments

Mehitabel6 · 14/09/2015 07:40

I agree with WorraLiberty and MrsDeVere. You have absolutely no control over other people and it is your job as a parent to manage it. I am surprised by those who stereotype it into a 'girl' thing when I find it is just as likely with boys. My youngest DS got it all the time when he was little.

Original poster
SummerMonths · 14/09/2015 08:49

Mehita - the point is that with girls it feeds into a myriad of other messages that appearance is defining and prettiness is a route to happiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerMonths · 14/09/2015 08:54

I am interested by posts stating that one cannot control what others discuss with one's own children.

I've clearly stated that I'm not talking about strangers and acquaintances but about friends and family. Is it not quite possible, and sometimes right, to steer those close to you away from certain ways of relating to your children?

If the grandparents were constantly making slightly racist or homophobic comments would it not be right to have a word? If close friends were telling my young children upsetting facts about the war in Syria or global terrorism would it not be ok to politely request they desist?

I think it's ok to talk to those close to you about the messages they are sending your kids. I'm not talking about going on and on about it but instead having a thoughtful conversation. Am I really alone in that?

OP posts:
HaydeeofMonteCristo · 14/09/2015 09:23

I don't know if you are being u.

I do tell my DD that she is beautiful wquite often because (although she is) she has slight (as in slightly more than most people) facial a symmetry and a small cleft in the side of her mouth. I think that it's important to boost their confidence in these circs

I also think generally believing that you are beautiful/ handsome gives you confidence and an advantage in life. Kids believe what you tell them.

However I also tell DD she is intelligent, kind, fabulous etc. as these things are all at least, usually more, important to believe about yourself. Plus they are true.

Perhaps you could suggest people also focus on her other qualities or at least emphasise them yourself.

liquidrevolution · 14/09/2015 11:17

This also gets my goat. People are forever saying how pretty my 14 month old DD is. I want to scream she is kind, funny and smart as well actually I do sometimes point this out and often get the Confused look. But do these people even know the dictionary definition of pretty?

I always think of the protagonist in Lady Audleys Secret thinking about the three women in his life. His cousin is handsome, his step aunt (Lady Audley) is very pretty but the girl he loves is beautiful - becuase of her passion, strength and her kindness.

Although to be fair mostly DD gets mistaken for a boy because she wears unisex and lots of blue (suits her better than pink).

MrsDeVere · 14/09/2015 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maggieryan · 14/09/2015 20:06

Isn't it funny we all say we have a pretty child. I often look at my kids and try to be objective but it's impossible because I see them as beautiful. Doesn't every parent? I'd often look at plain kids but bet their parents think they're beautiful. :)

Fromparistoberlin73 · 14/09/2015 21:10

Yanbu

Some people are so fycking thick and insensitive . My friend has a stunning DD and I would never mention it - and not in front of her. Plus it's unfair to other siblings

Keep on trucking OP and practice way to gently word it

Fromparistoberlin73 · 14/09/2015 21:12

Wow some vitriol on here ! Sheesh

MrsDeVere · 14/09/2015 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 14/09/2015 21:32

Weird, I got those comments a lot about my dd, that she could be a model etc. but she only started taking an interest in her appearance when turned ten and that was because she was convinced she was ugly. I'd never commented on her appearance myself and it seems that she had never heard other people's comments.

TheoriginalLEM · 14/09/2015 21:36

YABU!! it is lovely to be complimented, let her enjoy it - it is better than having your self esteem eroded by feeling you don;t quite cut the mustard. Just make sure that you compliment her academic and other qualities with equal measure.

My DD is a very pretty little girl, aged 10, i tell her all the time! She is also kind and clever and funny - i tell her this too. As do others.

Mehitabel6 · 15/09/2015 08:14

It takes some parents a long time to discover they can't control the child's entire environment! You can try, but you can't stop something unless the other person is willing.
The only thing is to cut contact which seems a bit extreme- imagine telling the child later 'we cut contact with your grandmother because she kept saying you were beautiful when I told her not to'!
I found anyway that it wasn't family members who said that about my son- it was completely random strangers- who did it all the time. You can't stop that.

MsMargaretCarter · 15/09/2015 08:25

Of course you don't have to cut contact if you discuss it and they continue to make comments Confused - strange assumptions people are making about the OP's intentions towards her family! A civilised, open discussion about the effect certain comments are having on her daughter could be a start - not in an accusing way, but just to get them to think about if it were them, or one of their children, how would they really feel? At least it would be an attempt at some dialogue.

Mehitabel6 · 15/09/2015 08:30

You can attempt it - why not?- but you have to accept a complete lack of control if they ignore you and there is nothing you can do! (Apart from cut contact - which is extreme).

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 15/09/2015 08:46

Apologies in advance if I cause you upset as believe me that is far from my intent. But I can't help thinking op that somewhere along the line this is do I dare say a stealth boast, and you have partly started this thread to prove you have a beautiful child. I dont doubt for a minute she is beautiful as are all children.
Sorry but it's how I feel.
I do agree with a fellow poster that blond hair and blue eyes are not everyone's idea of the "classic look". Plus it's very common for children to have this look, so is it not fair to say. There must be an awful lot of parents going through the same issue as you are.
Not only that but it's also something you just say to children. " Hello besutiful/handsome. People have said to my DD. I've said it to other people's.
It doesn't mean they're going to grow up obsessed by looks.

Scarydinosaurs · 15/09/2015 08:51

What you say is far far more important. Also, if others compliment her looks, and you can chip in with a compliment for her behaviour, your friends and family should pick up on it without it being a 'thing'.

I completely get where you're coming from, my sister had this her whole childhood, and now as an adult she puts her entire worth onto her looks, and feels like that is all she has to offer. And, consequently, as the other daughter who didn't recieve compliments, I feel very inadequate. I would dread boyfriends meeting her, as they would (I felt) be disappointed that they just had me. I would be complimented on my intelligence, and my poor sister- who is just as bright as me, felt intellectually inferior. It's just crap.

WhatamessIgotinto · 15/09/2015 08:58

the point is that with girls it feeds into a myriad of other messages that appearance is defining and prettiness is a route to happiness.

I do see what you're saying with this but I also think its up to us as parents to manage this. DD is gorgeous (well i think she is, obviously) and always being told so. I am well aware that sometimes its just something that folk say to be nice but I have no problem with people being nice to her. She's an old soul and voted 'kindest in class' last year by her classmates (silly awards but it was lovely for her). She knows that that's much more important than being pretty. I also don't think there's anything wrong with being attractive/pretty.

And its not just girls, DS is 15 now and while I've always thought he was a beautiful boy, other people keep telling me how handsome he's become. Again, prob something people just say to be nice. He doesn't give a shit anyway, all he's interested in is cars and engineering.

shebird · 15/09/2015 09:00

I can see where you are coming from OP but I also think it's normal to be a bit embarrassed about having a rash or something as other children are bound to comment whether you are a beauty or just average. Just build her self esteem and focus on her other qualities at home but you really can't control what others say.

WhatamessIgotinto · 15/09/2015 09:02

I would dread boyfriends meeting her, as they would (I felt) be disappointed that they just had me

Ah Scary that's really sad. Sad

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 15/09/2015 09:14

I think there is a difference in reactions sometimes.
Most people will get the 'what a cute/pretty/handsome child you have' type if comments but really stunning children get different kinds if comments.
My friend always feels uncomfortable when people comment on her stunning dd. I don't blame her actually because some people deliver the comment as if they're mesmerised or awe struck.
There is a difference so I get what the op is saying.
My friend has always tried to praise her daughters character and personality but as a teenager now, she knows she is very beautiful abd is also lovely girl.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 15/09/2015 11:09

The op is not saying that her daughter should never be told she is beautiful all children are beautiful and should be told so. Parents/family may be the biggest influence but what children are influenced by is not totally in our control. Girls are getting the message from a very very young age that their looks matter from fairy stories, Disney, sitcoms pretty girl popular not so pretty girl clever pretty girls uses her looks to get on clever girl can't rely on that so has to study hard. I wish in 2015 we had moved on from this but sadly we haven't. Boys may get fussed over and remarks made about their looks bit the message is not all around them that being good looking can make you successful

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