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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give a wddingbgift or money?

126 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 08:45

We have been invited to a wedding. Fairly grand affair. My friend but DH knows her too but we have never met the groom. They have asked for money for the honeymoon.

My reasons for not contributing:

We are pretty hard up atm. I am on maternity leave on pretty much half pay. They both earn a lot more than us and go on holiday several times a year, nice new cars, immaculate house etc. We last had a holiday 6yrs ago my car is 13yrs old and dh's oldr. They can afford their honeymin without help. We didnt have a honeymoon, very low key wedding and friend didnt buy us anything.

So wibu to go to the wedding with just a card?

OP posts:

Pigriver · 12/09/2015 09:07

I was going to say that YABU to say you would give money/present because they are in a better financial position than you. That is not their fault! I would never go to a wedding without a present/money (although I do hate when people ask for money).
But then you said that that didn't give you a present/money. Not in a tit for tat way but they obviously didn't think it necessary so you shouldn't either (unless you stipulated no gifts/money).
If you are bothered get a nice card and maybe a homemade/small sentimental gift.

SoupDragon · 12/09/2015 09:09

I think it's very rude to turn up to a wedding with no gift at all.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 09:09

I agree with Pig, if they didn't give you one the precedent has been set anyway so don't sweat it, they won't be offended.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 09:20

Oh i know the financial position isn't their fault, but to me it does make a difference. If they were struggling financially and asked for honeymoon money i would be inclined to give ??20 as it would help/make a difference. But my ??20 will make no difference to them at all andwould leave me without it.

OP posts:

londonrach · 12/09/2015 09:21

You have to bring a present to a wedding. Its rude otherwise. If nothing else buy 6 wine glasses from tesco etc that cost you £3, bottle of wine, cava £5 and wrap in pretty paper. If you cant afford the bottle of wine just give the glasses. Its a useful present and its the thought that counts but turning up without anything is very rude. Nice card as well which if you got a card factory coukd be as little as 29p.

CookieMonsterIsOnADiet · 12/09/2015 09:22

Very rude to ask for money, even ruder to ask for it from guests where they turned up empty handed themselves.

Buy a card and maybe a bottle of wine.

19lottie82 · 12/09/2015 09:22

I was going to say YABU but if they didn't get you anything for your wedding then YADNBU!

CurlyBlueberry · 12/09/2015 09:27

Did you invite them to your wedding, i.e. did they attend and not bring a gift? That's different to not being invited and not bringing a gift, and it isn't quite clear in your OP.

If they didn't attend your wedding, then I would still get them something as I can't envisage going empty-handed, but you can do something cheap that looks nice (maybe a nice-looking photo frame). At least a card, at the very least.

Boardingblues · 12/09/2015 09:28

It is not clear that you invited them to your wedding. Did you? In which case you don't have an issue. But on principle, I would not accept a wedding invitation (and consequently the hospitality) if I was not intending to give a gift. I often ignore the wedding list and give a gift that I have chosen. Take a look in your local charity shops, you will often find fantastic glassware or suitable gifts for a fraction of their retail value. Then not only do you save yourself some social embarrassment but you also help a good cause.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 09:32

I wouldn't get them cheap tat they didn't ask for, just for tge sake of nonsensical etiquette rules.

If they didn't get your a gift you are not obliged to get them one. It's not petty, it just makes sense.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 09:33

Yes they were invited. Friend brought her mum instead of partner. Their wedding is also quite a distance away which is another factor.

OP posts:

Boardingblues · 12/09/2015 09:38

If it is a friend, you should be able to find a small and meaningful gift, without resorting to "cheap tat". Perhaps you have a shared memory - so a framed photo of you together when younger or a CD of the band that you used to listen together. A gift that shows some thought and effort if often valued more than cash spent.

DonkeyOaty · 12/09/2015 09:40

I would decline the invitation with regret.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 09:41

But they didn't show thought to her, so maybe they're not close childhood friends (plausible if they haven't even met the groom).

It sounds like the relationship is close enough to invite eachother to their weddings, but different enough that the wedding couple didn't feel obliged to get them a gifr, and so the OP shouldn't either.

Boardingblues · 12/09/2015 09:42

A friend of mine did me a small painting for our wedding. She is not a professional artist, but I love it and I still have it up in our house after 17 years. She is thrilled every time she sees it. It was all she could afford at the time, so she spent time on my present and that meant a lot.

Merguez · 12/09/2015 09:52

It is extremely bad manners not to give a wedding present. But it is the thought that counts and not the cost of the present. So I would give them something small and inexpensive, you do not have to donate cash for the honeymoon. A photograph frame, flower vase (IKEA good for stuff like this) or a bottle of wine for them to enjoy together after the wedding would be fine.
And what they did or didn't give you at your wedding shouldn't really be a factor, although I understand how it may make you feel.

FrozenYogurt · 12/09/2015 09:52

I honestly don't understand the fuss made on here about wedding gift lists. It's always been a tradition, and a nice gesture, to attend any sort of party with a gift for your hosts. Especially more so at a wedding: both to reciprocate being hosted for the day and to celebrate a happy occasion in their lives.

What with most modern couples having already set up and house and home and presumably have no use for a dozen new toasters it makes sense to direct your guests to something that would actually be useful. I don't think people ask for vouchers/money toward the honeymoon because they're not financially able to pay themselves, just that it's a neat way of accepting gifts and maybe treating themselves to a nicer room, or a few nice meals out.
The way some people talk of wedding invitations and lists on here you'd think they'd been invited by people they don't actually like, and not dear friends who want you to share a happy life event.
Sorry, rant over!

Alconleigh · 12/09/2015 09:57

People always trot out the toaster example. Has anyone seriously given a toaster as a wedding present since about 1987? It seems so......of the past.
I'd get them something small. I'm not really comfortable with honeymoon contributions. I have done it in the past but I wouldn't again. Mind you I'm very nearly 40 so the wedding phase is largely behind me.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 10:03

I see no problem with asking for honeymoon contributions.

Photo frames, wine glasses, vases, CDs... they already have this stuff presumably. And though the thought is kind, they might not want more stuff to find cupboard space for so it can gather dust. If they wanted that kind of thing they would have done a John Lewis gift list. It's better to get nothing at all than waste your money on things they don't want

It should be anout your individual relationship with the couple in question rather than etiquette rules or manners. They went OPs wedding without a gift, so unless they are hugely unreasonable people they would not expect a gift from the OP, so the OP shouldn't feel bad about not stretching herself financially. She hosted them, they're about to host her, they are even and all is fair, they shared the joy of each other's weddings.

As for declining because you can't afford a gift - if invite someone to my wedding it's because I want them to share my special day and celebrate with me, and part of that is me wanting to feed them and give them some drinks, because no one cna celebrate when they are hungry. I don't expect them to pay me back with a trinket from Ikea, and I'd be mortified if they declined because they were worried about finances and couldn't afford a gift. Im fact, I'd be offended that they thought I would be offended at them not getting me a present.

Bunbaker · 12/09/2015 10:06

I think it is grabby to ask for honeymoon contributions, especially if the couple can clearly afford it anyway.

I would be inclined to take a card and a small gift that can be used, even if it is just a box of posh chocolates. Does your friend have any idea of your financial circumstances? Perhaps she will understand.

FrozenYogurt · 12/09/2015 10:06

True, the toaster example was a bit...lazy. But still, some couples don't want to traipse around a department store picking out sheets and crockery and panini makers when they already have all of that stuff.
I appreciate that people can't always afford to put £50 in an envelope, but it's a sad state of affairs that there are suggestions on here to not even attend for the sake of a fiver in a card. Surely if you mean enough to be invited then they won't care how much or little you give.

LadyShirazz · 12/09/2015 10:11

My uncle who I knew was a bit hard up didn??t give a gift, but I appreciated him coming quite a long way to attend in the first place - in itself not cheap I know (he lives a long way from us and the majority of the family - I didn't have a wedding miles from anyone or anything).

Are they aware of your circumstances at all?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/09/2015 10:17

Yabu. Very very rude to just give a card as a present.

If you can't budget a present/contribution into the cost of going to the wedding, then maybe you shouldn't go to the wedding at all?

WicksEnd · 12/09/2015 10:19

I think it's rude to turn up empty handed, whether you're going to someone's house for a BBQ or going to a wedding. I wouldn't be happy to eat their food and drink their drinks but not give a gift?

The sticking point here is that the friend didn't buy you a gift for your wedding. Why? Did you specifically say 'no gifts'? Or is she a tight arse?

If the latter then the rules go out the window and you can write in her card:

'I got you the same gift for your wedding as you got for ours, Fuck all!'

and hope the best man reads it out during speeches

dingit · 12/09/2015 10:22

Hmm, we went to a wedding a bit like that.
They have designer this that and the other, she had 3 designer handbags for Xmas, came to us, we gave small well chosen gifts, them nothing, not even a selection box for the dc.
I could not turn up with nothing, so they got M&S champers, and novelty mr and mrs glasses. We did get a thankyou, a standard thankyou for contributing to our honeymoon, so clearly they paid no attention anyway

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