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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give a wddingbgift or money?

126 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 08:45

We have been invited to a wedding. Fairly grand affair. My friend but DH knows her too but we have never met the groom. They have asked for money for the honeymoon.

My reasons for not contributing:

We are pretty hard up atm. I am on maternity leave on pretty much half pay. They both earn a lot more than us and go on holiday several times a year, nice new cars, immaculate house etc. We last had a holiday 6yrs ago my car is 13yrs old and dh's oldr. They can afford their honeymin without help. We didnt have a honeymoon, very low key wedding and friend didnt buy us anything.

So wibu to go to the wedding with just a card?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 16:57

Blimey! Loads of replies. MN do love a wedding thread....:-)

Background then if it helps. Friend didn't buy us a gift but we didn't mind, at all. We don't really do xmas and birthday gifts, preferring to meet up for a meal and catch up instead as we don't see each other often. She didn't buy me a gift when i had a baby - again really didn't mind. She visited and brought lunch instead.

We have been friends for about 14years since she was a child and I a young adult. We saw each other almost daily for about 6years, then weekends now less so as we live further apart and both work etc. I helped her a lot with a shared hobby, teaching her etc and we became firm friends.

I'm thrilled to be invited given the age difference and that i don't know her friends but she is really lovely.

I actually LOVE the personalized xmas Dec. They are indeed getting married in December. I'm off to Google....

OP posts:
whois · 12/09/2015 17:30

I'd much rather someone turned up empty handed to my wedding and had a good time, than stress over buying a gift they couldn't afford or give me some cheap ikea tat. The last thing I need is more tat in my flat. That's far ruder in my opinion because it shows you know nothing about me!

whois · 12/09/2015 17:31

Personalised Xmas gift sounds nice. Cheap tesco wine glasses or ikea photo frame do not.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 17:34

I won't be buying any tat of cheap wine glasses/photo frame/vase. ItThey have everything they need and I wouldn't want to be given tat, and she is fairly similar tl me.

OP posts:
derxa · 12/09/2015 17:57

I would buy a lovely bottle of Champagne wrapped up beautifully and a card with a nice message. Done!

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 18:00

If I could afford to do that Derxa I would have just given money requested.

OP posts:
FifteenFortyNine · 12/09/2015 18:01

Don't worry about the present. I have been to 2 weddings without giving a present to the couple due to my financial situation. In both cases the couple asked for money instead of gifts. Traditional wedding gifts are easier as you can get something nice with very little money or free. But somehow I don't think people are as excited about getting £1 towards their honeymoon. Oh and I'm still friends with both couples

ChristineDePisan · 12/09/2015 18:10

I'd buy a bottle of champagne (they will be on offer in the run up to Xmas) and a nice card.

I'm astounded how many people think it's acceptable not to give a gift or attend just because she didn't bring a gift to the OP's wedding

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 18:18

What if they don't really like champagne? I don't. A pointless generic gift for the sake of it doesn't show thought.

I don't see how it can possibly be seen as unreasonable to not get a gift if money is tight, and the person didn't get you an equivalent gift so wouldn't have hard feelings anyway. If you are well off, or they got you a gift, it is polite to give one in return, but that doesn't apply to the OP.

Though, the Xmas decoration sounds nice, and seasonal - if they hate it they can just hide it at the back of the tree. Xmas tat is acceptable tat for me Grin

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/09/2015 18:19

Agree with your last post OP, champagne just shouldnt feature as an idea, not sure why posters are suggesting it.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 18:23

There's a bit of "let them eat cake" by suggesting someone who can't afford a present gives champagne.

derxa · 12/09/2015 18:32

Sorry Nottalotta. Please just go to the wedding and bring a card. I did not wish to patronise.

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 18:38

We had lots of guests who didnt give us a gift at our wedding, I only noticed who did and who didnt when I went to do the thank yous. It caused an etiquette problem as I wanted to thank them for attending but by doing so I was worried that it would look like I was making a point that they hadnt given us a gift! In the end I didnt bother with thank you cards and got in touch in person, explaining that I would rather do that than send a card.

So, YANBU to not take a gift, not at all.

ChristineDePisan · 12/09/2015 18:42

I'll amend my suggestion to "I would take champagne, unless I knew that the recipient didn't like it"

The reasons for suggesting it include a) most people do like it; b) it is a traditional celebratory drink, so pretty appropriate; c) easy to re-gift if for some reason it isn't welcomed; d) if you are worried about seeming stingy if you can only afford to put £15 in an envelope, you can get something that looks - and tastes - a lot more expensive than that, especially in the run up to Xmas, when retailers fall over themselves to discount bubbly.

Alternatively, currency is a v nice idea if you know where they are going; otherwise just put a couple of notes in an envelope and enjoy the wedding.

cremeeggboycotter · 12/09/2015 19:23

You give what you can afford. Plus she got you nothing, I'd get her a card, possibly even a bottle of prosecco. The supermarkets all have offers and they tend to start around £5 at the moment despite a possible national shortage.

cremeeggboycotter · 12/09/2015 19:25

At our wedding the guestzilla that stressed us out and upset some people didn't even get us a card. If I ever go to their wedding, I'll be giving a card and that's it.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 19:25

The honeymoon is a tour Europe i think. At least it starts in Europe.

OP posts:
TheExMotherInLaw · 12/09/2015 20:14

Guidebook for where they are going?

AnnieNon · 12/09/2015 21:12

You can buy champagne for £15. (Waitrose half price) If the wedding is in December then is there any way you could save a couple of quid a week. Confused

If you make a hand made card you could save a few pounds and put it towards the champagne.

I think that it's reasonable not to buy a present because you can't afford it but it's a bit mean not to buy her a present if you can afford it but just don't think she deserves a gift.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/09/2015 21:33

What about £10 equivalent in the currency of the first country they are going to on their honeymoon?

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 21:34

You can buy a nice card for a quid (or less, even Card Factory has nice ones). It would cost more to make a hand made one that didn't look shite.

The OP, sensibly, would rather give money than champagne that the couple might neither want nor need. I know loads of people who are finally admitting that they don't actually like champagne and only drink it out of obligation and because it's customary. I think we need to end this ridiculous charade! We should toast with whisky.

coconutpie · 12/09/2015 21:51

Why on earth would you give them a gift when they didn't give you a gift?! Also, to tell people they want honeymoon contributions is incredibly rude. But it's outrageous that they told you they want money for honeymoon when they didn't even give you anything! Just get them a card. Nothing more.

hookiewookiedoodah · 12/09/2015 22:01

I think the idea of a personalised gift-bauble-is lovely.I would've loved something like that!And it'll last longer than the honeymoon does!

RiceBurner · 12/09/2015 22:07

I wish everyone would stop buying, (waste-of-money/unwanted/give away to charity ASAP), token presents ... for bdays/weddings/BBQs/teachers etc. And I wish ppl would stop worrying about what to take/give to events. (It's all nonsense and making us spend/consume unnecessarily.)

If your friend has invited you and your CH to her wedding, I would assume/hope that she just wants you to be there? (And that the gift situation is irrelevant.)

The cash for honeymoon request is (a bit rude IMO but) only for those who REALLY WISH to contribute to a gift I would say. (Makes it easier for those who don't know what would be welcome.) And there's no obligation or need to give cash if you don't have a lot and especially as she has enough of her own.

So plse just go to the wedding and ignore all the ppl who think it's rude to not bring a gift. (I wouldn't care if you brought a gift or not if I was your friend!)

And to the person who posted to say she remembers the TWO invitees who did NOT give a gift at her wedding .... what a nice person you are! (NOT!)

The world has gone crazy with this "it's rude not to bring a gift" mentality! Let's just stop gift offering/swapping being obligatory and let it be more like a choice?

Alwayssunny · 12/09/2015 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.