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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give a wddingbgift or money?

126 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 08:45

We have been invited to a wedding. Fairly grand affair. My friend but DH knows her too but we have never met the groom. They have asked for money for the honeymoon.

My reasons for not contributing:

We are pretty hard up atm. I am on maternity leave on pretty much half pay. They both earn a lot more than us and go on holiday several times a year, nice new cars, immaculate house etc. We last had a holiday 6yrs ago my car is 13yrs old and dh's oldr. They can afford their honeymin without help. We didnt have a honeymoon, very low key wedding and friend didnt buy us anything.

So wibu to go to the wedding with just a card?

OP posts:

magoria · 12/09/2015 10:23

I would give what you were given for your wedding.

If they/she didn't consider it rude not to turn up with a gift etc the she can't consider you rude.

If they do say something you can come back with an airy reply about thinking you had mutually decided not to.

If they make any issue then rethink your friendship.

Merguez · 12/09/2015 10:23

I had a large wedding 15 years ago. We had a wedding list and I cannot now remember who gave us what and certainly not how much each person spent - which ranged from £10 to hundreds. But I do still remember the 2 people who did not give us anything at all!

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 10:24

I really don't know why it's more grabby to ask for honeymoon contributions than to ask for cookware items from the Polly's Pantry range (especially if you already have a fully stocked home). Either they're both grabby, or neither are. At least both the bride and groom would enjoy they honeymoon stuff, rather than just the one who does the most cooking.

I'm of the opinion that a gift list for a wedding is just a sensible way of ensuring you don't get duplicates, and your kind well meaning friends and family don't waste their money on something that you will accept with grace but don't really want or need.

I'd appreciate a nice card and a nice message. As they didn't get yiu a gift they clearly don't place importance on gifts, so it is not rude to not get them a gift.

If they had got you a gift, I would suggest giving them whatever you can afford.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 10:28

And if you insit on a token, I think the consumables suggestions like £5 on chocolates or £15 on wine are better than a vase that might not be to their tastes. I'd always be very grateful for chocolate!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/09/2015 10:30

Totally agree Merguez, it's not the amount in question, it's the effort and thought to give anything at all.

Caprinihahahaha · 12/09/2015 10:39

It's all about your relationship with them so don't get distracted by the present issue.

Do you want to go?
If you do, then think of a gift you would like to give them within your budget.
If you don't mind giving cash then put whatever seems reasonable - £5, £10 or whatever - in with your card.
If you'd rather give a gift then do that. I would love a photo of a shared memory from a friend for example. It doesn't need to be standard. Few people really hate getting a bottle of wine or photo frame - how bad can it be?

If they like you they won't care about the gift.
If their attitude to the gift affects how they feel about you then better you only spend a fiver.

grapejuicerocks · 12/09/2015 10:47

I'd give something like a vase. You can get nice ones from supermarkets for not too much. A vase could be very cheap or very expensive, it would be hard to tell. You can never have too many vases and if they don't like it they can regift it. Ditto a photo frame.

Or just do as they did and not get anything - if you're brave enough. I'd want to, but I'd feel too guilty.

derxa · 12/09/2015 10:56

Why did the 'friend' bring nothing to your wedding? I can't get over that.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 10:57

You can have too many vases if you never buy flowers. And you can have too many photo frames if you don't like having photos around the place. Not everyone does.

If anyone bought me a vase I'd struggle to find somewhere for it and would never use it as I rarely buy or receive flowers. If a distant friend who never met my fianc?? bought me us a vase for our wedding, especially if she was struggling with money, I'd really appreciate her gesture but would wish, for her sake as much as mine, that she hadn't.

Buying a frame or a vase just because they are common default gifts sounds pretty thoughtless and pointless to me. If you know they (both) really like and enjoy flowers, a vase is fair enough. If they really like chocolate or wine, ditto. If you don't know them enough to know what their tastes are, either buung them a fiver/whatever you can afford, or if they didn't get you a gift it is not unreasonable to give nothing at all - it is not rude or malicious in those circumstances.

OneDay103 · 12/09/2015 11:01

I like the wine glasses and a card idea. It is rude to turn up without a gift. Even a small gesture is fine.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 11:03

But she is only being as rude as they were to her, so the rudeness is cancelled out and everyone is happy.

vulgarbunting · 12/09/2015 11:06

I think that YABU. It is very rude not to turn up with even a nice bottle of wine. I was appalled at those that didn't give gifts at our wedding.

Having said that, if you don't give anything then spend the time to write a long message wishing them well and thanking them for the day in the card. That would mean a lot I am sure.

Spartans · 12/09/2015 11:10

I hate cut flowers. I can definitley have too many cases. One is too many for me.

I would give her photo in a frame or something of that type of gift. I do think it's bad mannera to turn up with no gift. I know they did it, but I wouldn't do it back.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 11:10

What if they already have a cupboard full of wine glasses? I certainly do, and literally have zero space for any more! If I get married and people start buying me wine glases I'd appreciate their kindness, but then would be frustrated thinking "where the fuck am I going to put these? They really shouldn't have".

If you know they need wine glasses it's a sensible gift. But presumably they would have asked for home furnishings if they needed them.

Novelty ones, I don't see why that's necessary

AnnieNon · 12/09/2015 11:11

If you can't afford much then give what you can but don't buy them tat a vase instead.

If you are worried that they will think you are 'cheap' if you give them a small amount of money then they will still think you are 'cheap' if you buy them a vase or similar. Everyone knows that you can buy presents like that for peanuts at HomeSense or wherever.

They have invited you to a wedding. They have asked for money, it's not something I would do but it is a normal and acceptable thing to do. I'd either decline or I'd go and give a modest amount of money that you can afford.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 12/09/2015 11:21

Either don't go or just buy a gift with good grace

Do you know where they're going for their honeymoon?
Buy them £10 worth of currency to wherever they're going and pop it in a card

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 11:25

The currency is a nice suggestion, and actually a thoughtful token. And not something they will have to cart home from the wedding venue.

But I still don't think you should decline if you give nothing, she gave nothing to you so you shouldn't feel bad if you do the same. If she had given you a gift, it would be different.

KoalaDownUnder · 12/09/2015 11:25

Asking for money is rude and crass. It puts guests in an awkward position because let's be honest - nobody is going to stick a fiver in a card. People invariably feel obliged to give more in cash than they would have spent.

Going to a wedding without a gift, however, is equally rude.

Buy something that you can afford and that you think they'll like. Job done.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 11:31

But of you do a John Lewis gift list you know how much everything costs so you know how much people have spent. So asking for anything specific is rude. If someone can only afford a spoon or a hand towel, it sets them apart from the person who bought you a Kitchen Aid.

If they didn't buy anything for her they were rude, so she would be perfectly reasonable to not buy them anything. No one loses. I personally would not think someone who turned up to my wedding without a gift was rude, because I don't invite people in the expectation of a gift in return. That is the trump card of rude, in rudeness top trumps.

tobysmum77 · 12/09/2015 11:35

To go boldly just wait until you break the cupboard full

I'd take a token gift op. I don't understand why she didn't give you a present but two wrongs don't make a right.

Scarletforya · 12/09/2015 11:36

Yabvu. If you can't afford a present you don't go. Otherwise you're a freeloader.

KathyBeale · 12/09/2015 11:41

One of my fave wedding presents was a tin full of homemade flapjacks with the handwritten recipe stuck inside the lid. Could you do something like that?

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 11:41

Tobysmum
I never drink wine at home so that would take forever.

Of all the token suggestions the currency is the nicest, and it has the added bonus of being something they want, need and asked for - money for their honeymoon.

But the bride and groom clearly don't think going to a wedding without a gift is a "wrong", so the wrong/right balance would be upset by the OP giving a gift. It's perfectly fair and not a "wrong" to not buy someone a present if they didn't get you one for an equivalent event. They fed and watered the bride and her mum, the bride is repaying the favour with her groom x amount of time later. Sounds fair to me

Bunbaker · 12/09/2015 11:43

That's a bit harsh Scarlet.

If I was getting married I would hate to think that someone had declined an invitation just because they couldn't afford a present. I invite people to things because I want their presence not their presents.

A wedding isn't a mutually agreed contract between the happy couple and the guest so that both gain financially or otherwise.

Merguez · 12/09/2015 11:48

Rudeness does not get cancelled out by a reciprocal act of rudeness!

Etiquette is complicated, yes you should not 'expect' a present, but convention dictates that everyone brings one to a wedding, and not to do so would generally be considered bad manners or thoughtless.

That applies regardless of how that person may have behaved at your own wedding.

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