Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give a wddingbgift or money?

126 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 08:45

We have been invited to a wedding. Fairly grand affair. My friend but DH knows her too but we have never met the groom. They have asked for money for the honeymoon.

My reasons for not contributing:

We are pretty hard up atm. I am on maternity leave on pretty much half pay. They both earn a lot more than us and go on holiday several times a year, nice new cars, immaculate house etc. We last had a holiday 6yrs ago my car is 13yrs old and dh's oldr. They can afford their honeymin without help. We didnt have a honeymoon, very low key wedding and friend didnt buy us anything.

So wibu to go to the wedding with just a card?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 22:49

Discussing this with H just now and he said "Do you remember the picture?" and of course I did as it is our favourite present.

One of our best men arrived and another (we had three, complicated, dont ask!) said to not put his gift on the table yet as the room was empty and it could be pinched. We were told later that BM1 was mortified as he hadnt got us a gift, it had totally slipped his mind. At about 9ish in the evening the gift book, the best man and several packets of the wax crayons I got for the kids disappeared for a while.

Never thought much of it until we were leafing through the guestbook when the official party was over and we were all in the hotel bar. There was a double page picture drawn and coloured in by BM1 of us and the kids and a rainbow and flowers, very childish in style but looked wonderful, and a lovely message from him! I am smiling now just thinking of it. I am so glad he gave us that rather than a bottle of champagne or some money :)

Bogeyface · 12/09/2015 22:50

Gift book?! Guest book!

Tuiles · 12/09/2015 23:01

We got married recently, no gift list or money requests. People still brought gifts and some of the most meaningful were inexpensive, but had thought behind them. Such as a personalised Welsh wooden love spoon, a framed picture with our first dance lyrics featured, a bottle of wine from a region we have visited, hanging plaques with the initials/wedding date etc. I've loved them all, even the Mr & Mrs mugs because they are lovely reminders of a lovely day. Don't spend lots of you can't afford it, having people there will honestly be the most important thing.

Junosmum · 12/09/2015 23:01

As a recently married person YANBU. We were very lucky to receive a large amount of money and some lovely gifts however it was the time and effort our guests made to spend our special day with us that meant the most. I wasn't offended at all hy people who didn't give a gift- in fact I can't name those who didn't (though there were some).

HerRoyalNotness · 12/09/2015 23:05

This kind of ornament is available on etsy for 15quid delivered. You could have the wedding date engraved on the bottom as well. (Sorry couldn't link as viewed in app)

to not give a wddingbgift or money?
OctoberCupcake · 12/09/2015 23:10

I googled; this is very very similar to the one we received. I cried, it's gorgeous (and the friend who got it for us knows that we collect christmas decorations from holidays etc).

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Personalised-Christmas-Tree-Decoration-wood-First-Christmas-mr-Mrs-Gift-Bauble-/181520895755

This one is cute too and cheaper! :D

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Handmade-First-christmas-as-Mr-and-Mrs-bauble-/161815743361?hash=item25acf84b81#shpCntId

woodwaj · 12/09/2015 23:16

I am also on maternity leave so for a friend's wedding I found some chocolates on the lily o'briens website personalised the box with pics of the happy couple and they loved them. Took a few mins to make and I even Googled a voucher code and found one! Cost about £14 I think

AnnieNon · 13/09/2015 09:40

I would have not wanted to receive the ornament. It's really not to my taste at all.

Surely, if they have asked for cash, then you should give them what they want even if it's a modest amount.

OctoberCupcake · 13/09/2015 09:50

I think anyone who asks for cash as a Wedding gift has to accept that far from everyone is comfortable with that, and that there WILL be people who bring a gift instead; they'd be ignorant to think otherwise. Any gift of course should be graciously accepted.

(People who get married in December generally are fans of the time of year, so it's not wildly out of the realms of possibility that they'd appreciate a relevant token gift).

KoalaDownUnder · 13/09/2015 12:24

Surely, if they have asked for cash, then you should give them what they want even if it's a modest amount.

No? They have no business 'asking' for anything in the first place. They're not children putting in their order to Father Christmas.

shebird · 13/09/2015 12:38

In some countries cash is the norm for wedding gifts and not small amounts either. The cash gifts actually pay for the wedding which is something I'm not at all comfortable with. I mean if you invite people as your guests then they shouldn't be expected pay. Weddings these days can turn into a huge expense for guests - there's hen parties(often abroad), something to wear, travel to venue, overnight stays and then they want you to give them money to pay for the event and honeymoon tooHmm

Bogeyface · 13/09/2015 12:48

In some countries cash is the norm for wedding gifts and not small amounts either. The cash gifts actually pay for the wedding which is something I'm not at all comfortable with

But they are not asking for cash gifts, its part of their culture and therefore the norm in the same way that I am sure there are British wedding traditions that would have other cultures raising their eyebrows.

Its asking for money when our cultural norm is gifts that I find distasteful.

ToGoBoldly · 13/09/2015 13:00

Do you still think it's distasteful even if they say the whole "we really don't expect gifts, we'd much rather have you there but if you insist, our home is fully furnished, so if you would like to contribute something to our honeymoon we'd be eternally grateful, but please please don't feel obliged?"

Or should they just do a John Lewis list of things they don't need for the sake of it?

In my experience, the people who say it's the height if rudeness to not give a gift are the very same who would say it's the height of rudeness to ask for something you would like and use. So the whole gift experience is to make people feel shit! I thought gifts were about making the recipient feel good, not making the giver feel like they have fulfilled their etiquette duty

Bogeyface · 13/09/2015 14:11

We never asked for gifts, we never had a gift list. We did get gifts, most people gave us vouchers, but at no point did we ask or expect anything.

If someone asks them what they want then that would be different, but I think it the height of bad manners to put anything pertaining to gifts in an invitation, I always have.

Original poster
Sparrowlegs248 · 13/09/2015 15:46

I'm going with the Christmas decoration. I have seen engraved glass baubles. They love Christmas and i am certain friendvwill like it.

OP posts:
OddlyLogical · 13/09/2015 16:23

But I do still remember the 2 people who did not give us anything at all!
Going against the grain here but I think that says more about you than in does them.
I think the expectation of gifts, financial or otherwise, is far more rude than turning up without a present. A card shows thought - especially if the present is just money (that takes no thought or effort at all)
I think it is dreadful that some people think it is better for a guest not to turn up if they can't afford a present.

AnnieNon · 13/09/2015 16:24

Koala

No? They have no business 'asking' for anything in the first place. They're not children putting in their order to Father Christmas

I don't know what the invite said but I doubt in was a 'demand' for cash. I suspect it would have been worded carefully and politely as a preference rather than an order. Something along the lines of "If you would like to get us something then we would prefer cash". I don't think it's rude or unusual.

If you like the bride and groom enough to go to their wedding then it seems perverse not to get them something that you know they would prefer. If you don't like them then why on earth would you go to the wedding.

We didn't mention gifts or money to our guests but I don't think it's rude if you do.

shebird · 13/09/2015 17:00

I think when it's a cash donation rather than an actual gift people might feel pressure to give more than they might have spent on an actual gift. When giving cash it is tricky how much to give so not to appear either mean or over generous. Whereas, with an actual gift item what you've actually spent on the gift is not so glaringly apparent and it might also have a personal element which draws attention away from cost and focuses more on the thought.

shebird · 13/09/2015 17:21

Bogeyface
While cash might be the cultural norm in other countries it is also becoming increasingly the norm here. No one 'asks'for cash but the expectation is there. My main issue is where the cash is actually used to pay for the wedding event itself. In Ireland this is a common occurrence. The envelopes (gifts) are collected thought the day and then used to pay for the lavish £20k wedding.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/09/2015 00:04

Yes, people often trot out the 'if you like them enough to go to their wedding, why wouldn't you get them what they want' line. The logic doesn't stack up, IMO.

Of course I like them, that has nothing to do with the etiquette of the situation. You don't invite someone as a guest to celebrate your life event, and simultaneously tell them what gift you'd like them to bring you. It doesn't matter how you word it, it's just rude.

BiscuitMillionaire · 14/09/2015 00:19

Completely and utterly out of order and unspeakably rude not to give a gift. It doesn't have to he expensive but you would be wrong to go empty handed

My own MIL didn't get us anything for our wedding. Nil, nada, nothing. And wore trousers. I think she didn't approve of the fact that it wasn't in a church.

123MothergotafleA · 14/09/2015 00:38

I just attended a family wedding. The bride was my niece,and I feel that£100 John Lewis vouchers was an appropriate gift. Other guests gave similar sized gifts.
I think it is stingy to give anything less.

Adarajames · 14/09/2015 01:06

I'm so glad that those of my cousins etc that have got married didn't think it was rude to attend without a gift! especially those hundreds of miles away where we struggled to pay to get there and stay over so we could attend. They, and I, would much rather see all friends and family there to celebrate with them than not attend because a gift wSnt affordable, and there wasn't anything they needed / wanted anyway.
Otherwise you start to look like you're only getting married for the gifts!

Bunbaker · 14/09/2015 07:24

"I think it is stingy to give anything less."

I don't. £100 is a lot of money to most people. You have just succeeded in making the OP feel bad about herself.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 14/09/2015 12:01

"I think it is stingy to give anything less."

A £100 gift would see me eating nothing but beans on toast for at least a month. I do not see why 'anything less' than that is stingy - if the only way people can afford to get married is by basically letting their guests pay for it, then perhaps they shouldn't get married. Otherwise, any gift, or even a guest they invited spending money to turn up on their special day, should be appreciated. It shouldn't be top trumps as to who buys the most expensive presents. As my partner joked at his brother's wedding 'it's a day of two people joining, in loving legal contract, until they get bored of each other, not a toddler's birthday party'.

No one should ever be made to feel bad about lack of money. What a horrible society we live in at times, where a shop at John Lewis is considered the 'minimal giving' in showing family your love and happiness for them Hmm.