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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give a wddingbgift or money?

126 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 12/09/2015 08:45

We have been invited to a wedding. Fairly grand affair. My friend but DH knows her too but we have never met the groom. They have asked for money for the honeymoon.

My reasons for not contributing:

We are pretty hard up atm. I am on maternity leave on pretty much half pay. They both earn a lot more than us and go on holiday several times a year, nice new cars, immaculate house etc. We last had a holiday 6yrs ago my car is 13yrs old and dh's oldr. They can afford their honeymin without help. We didnt have a honeymoon, very low key wedding and friend didnt buy us anything.

So wibu to go to the wedding with just a card?

OP posts:
TheRealAmyLee · 12/09/2015 11:53

I give gifts if I can. If I can't I don't.

At my wedding I didn't expect gifts. Some people didn't give gifts. I cannot remember who gave what. No shits were given at the time about anyone who didn't bring anything.

Harrylemon · 12/09/2015 11:55

As someone else suggested just bring some wine. It is kind of rude to turn up with nothing although I understand why you want to

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 11:55

A lot of etiquette is nonsense.

Expecting a present is rude. Judging someone for not buying a present is rude. Providing a list for people if they insist on buying a present is notnrude, just sensible -in fact it's kind tomgive the buyer some poijters so they don't squander their money. I buy presents if I am invited to a whole wedding, but not evening only with a cash bar - not rude. Butnif someome was coming to my wedding, especially if they had to pay travel costs etc, i wouldn't want them to spend 20 quid on me if I won't miss it but they will. I want them at the day if I have invited them. I wouldn't judge, and the couple in this case wouldn't judge so why leave yourself short of money to please some mysterious etiquette god? Who really benefits?

Some lawsnof etiquette are in desperate need of updating. Buying someone a gift when they didn't bother for you just makes you look like a doormat.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 11:56

Shock Terrible typos there - fat fingers, sorry!

Chala86 · 12/09/2015 11:57

I'm getting married next year. Have been living with DP for ten years and we already have everything we need so will be asking for money rather than presents from guests for our honeympon. While I would say it's rude to turn up with nothing, if my friend was skint and struggling I wouldn't expect anything. If this person is your friend then a heartfelt and personal small gift or just a personal and heartfelt card should be more than enough, especially if you received nothing from them for your wedding. It would be petty to turn up empty handed .

DriverSurpriseMe · 12/09/2015 12:04

It's very mean (in both senses of the word) to not give any sort of gift, because you don't think they deserve one.

gamerchick · 12/09/2015 12:08

Just take a nice card. If she wasn't bothered about turning up empty handed then don't give it a second thought.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 12:12

But the OP doesn't think they don't deserve it, she's weighing it up and clearly feels in a bit of a conundrum, otherwise she wouldn't have posted. If she was saying "well they didn't get us a present so I don't see why I should get them one", it would be a bit petty but thatbwas the last of many reasons for her. the friend not getting them a present was low on their list. Her first reason was "we are hard up", they are already going to the expense and effort of going to the wedding, not to freeload but to celebrate their friend's wedding, in exactly the same way she did for them.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 12/09/2015 12:13

did i read it right? she was at your wedding and did not buy you a present? if so, that's really ignorant of her.

don't go to the wedding. i wouldn't bother my arse, if i were you

as someone once said on here: its an invitation, not a summons.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 12:16

Not going to someone's wedding because they didn't get you a gift would be uber petty

fredfredgeorgejnrsnr · 12/09/2015 14:13

yep, I agree ToGoBoldly and would also say not going to a wedding because you couldn't afford a gift would be petty too, as would ignoring the request for no gifts but cash and giving annoying and wasteful gifts like cheap wine glasses and vases to people who have those things. (Which is surely anyone who's ever lived in their own home?)

Your presence and the wedding is enough, if you can afford it, a gift is nice too, but if it's going to be tough, it's fine, enjoy the wedding. If a few years down the road and your money circumstances change, take them out to dinner / give a gift / whatever.

RaspberryOverload · 12/09/2015 14:25

There are a couple of ralatives of mine who, if I were having a wedding, would seriously struggle financially.

I have the things I need. So would be really upset if they declined because they felt they couldn't afford it. A card would be more than enough.

I agree a lot of etiquette is pointless.

OctoberCupcake · 12/09/2015 14:41

We had a small list for our wedding (at the insistence of some older relatives) and noted that otherwise contributions to our marital home would be appreciated - or words to that effect.

The BEST gifts we received were neither cash nor from the list. One of my absolute favourites was a personalised lazer cut christmas decoration (we married in december) that can't have been more than a few £.

Another friend got us a handpainted sign that is a traditional thing in our area.

Can you get something meaningful & personal instead of money? It needn't cost very much at all.

Roseformeplease · 12/09/2015 14:46

What about being a bigger, and better person, and taking something. Find out where they are going on honeymoon and buy them a guide book, or book about where they are going. What about nice passport covers or some bits for the plane (eye mask, travel size hand cream etc). These little things show you care and value the friendship. Show that you want them to be happy, but avoid the ££££.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 14:49

Because giving gifts doesn't make you a better person

Lookingforwardtoholiday · 12/09/2015 14:53

Completely and utterly out of order and unspeakably rude not to give a gift. It doesn't have to he expensive but you would be wrong to go empty handed

brokenhearted55a · 12/09/2015 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Regularhiding · 12/09/2015 15:02

" not taking a gift to a wedding is bad manners "
bollocks to that.

asking for cash is bad manners.

yanbu

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 15:03

Now I'm wondering if all the invitations that I've had that say "your presence is your present" had a caveat written in invisible ink saying "but if you don't get us owt I will think you are stingy bastards".

I suppose those who are adamant that you must take a gift are the same who wang on about getting a handwritten thank you card with reams and reams of prose about how much the couple appreciate your gift of a mixing bowl, going into great detail about what they intend to use it for.

I say stuff etiquette and do what is right for your relationship and your circumstances. If you can afford a gift and want to get one, regardless of what has gone before, great. But if you can afford one it's more sensible to give what has been requested, rather than passport covers when they might already have some, handcream that they might be allergic to...if it were a girlfriend who you knew loved almond handcream that's a thoughtful gift, but if it's a couple where you haven't even met the groom it's wasteful and pointless.

If you can't afford a gift, any true friend would not hold that against you. They didn't invite you because they want a gift, they invited you because they want you to celebrate with them.

Fwiw I always buy gifts unless I'm a z list guest, but I have quite a high disposable income. If I get married and invite my friend who is on maternity leave, the husband isn't earning a lot, they haven't been on holiday for 6 years and are driving cars pretty much for the 90s, I'd rather they enjoyed my hospitality without worrying about looking tight. I'd rather they didn't forego the small pleasure of a family takeaway or whatever to contribute to my honeymoon that I can already afford. If i judged them I'd be a bit of a cunt. Especially if I didn't buy them gifts!

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 12/09/2015 15:08

Last wedding I went to, I was totally skint. I found a cheap Mr and Mrs frame and gave that. Maybe stick a euromillions in their card with a jokey 'hope it's a lucky one, and remember who gave it to you Grin. If you don't win, at least you still have the marriage!'.

There shouldn't be such an obligation for presents, they chose to get married presumably because they love each other, not for £10 in a card.

ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 15:19

Yes MrsGB, I totally don't get the whole obligation thing, it seems more about martyrdom than actually doing something out of genuine kindness or because you believe it's right. And martyrdom is not becoming.

Caprinihahahaha · 12/09/2015 15:25

The idea that a small gift like a photo frame creates a hellish level of inconvenience for the recipient is amusing me enormously - a hand wringing 'where can I put this' nightmare.

Grin
ToGoBoldly · 12/09/2015 15:31

Ha Caipirinha. In truth it will prob get shoved in a drawer, regifted or sold at a car boot sale. And then the gift martyrs can have a whole new thing to whinge about. I just don't see the bloody point in wasting your money!

Hoppipolar · 12/09/2015 15:40

I would take a small token gift. I don't agree with asking for money anyway

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/09/2015 15:50

If you can't afford a gift, then don't give one. You could maybe, if you're so inclined, give her something homemade, made with love, to save on money - or you could just think "well she didn't think she needed to give us a present so she can't really complain if we don't give her one".

Get a card though.