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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my teenagers to make dinner sometimes?

117 replies

Spidermama · 09/09/2015 19:01

DH is working away at the moment. He works away a lot. It's the best way he's found of earning enough money.
I work at 5am until 12 with no break. After work today I took in and hung out a wash, walked the dog, went to Currys to buy alarm clocks for everyone (since DS managed to sleep through his phone alarm and be late for school), take DS to his routine hospital appointment, take him to the chemist to pick up a prescription, cook a veggie dinner for DD and me, peel and boil potatoes and carrots for the boys ... and then I made the mistake of asking DS, who's 15, to put the chicken in the oven to roast, and then to dish it up when it was done.

He went mental. He said I'm a shit parent and it's my responsibility to make dinner every night. He said no-one else's parents make them cook dinner ever. I want to know if he's right. My sister and I used to cook most nights of the week.

AIBU to expect the teenagers too cook a bit of dinner now and again? How unusual is that?

OP posts:

Hassled · 09/09/2015 19:02

Of course he's not right - is he usually so awful? How's your relationship generally?

blueballoon79 · 09/09/2015 19:03

My DS (14) is expected to cook meals and pull his weight. I regularly give him cleaning jobs to do and he's expected to go to the shop for me if we've run out of milk etc.

He's disabled and has problems with mobility but still can manage to do these tasks easily and well so I see no reason why your DS can't.

SharingMichelle · 09/09/2015 19:03

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

I don't have teenagers but my smaller children have jobs at home and are asked to do ad hoc helping jobs and expected to help out pleasantly. You all have to pitch in, in a family.

QuiteLikely5 · 09/09/2015 19:05

What an absolutely rude way to speak to your mother!

My dd comes in from school and cooks her own food without any mention from me.

I would punish him for his attitude towards you. He clearly needs reigning in!

Canyouforgiveher · 09/09/2015 19:06

Unless they are off school, I generally do the cooking -but that is my choice.

If my 15 year old called me a shit parent and seemed to think I lived to serve him, I'd be planning for a fairly strong recalibration of his expectations and attitude.

Is there something else going on? Is he unhappy his dad is away? Is this unusual?

Original poster

Spidermama · 09/09/2015 19:07

He's not usually this awful but he does seem to kick off out of nowhere now and again and when he does it's really nasty. I'm very upset that he actually believes I should be doing all the cooking despite having been on the go since 4.30am.

OP posts:

cashewnutty · 09/09/2015 19:08

I have stopped cooking any food for my family on days i am working. They want food they choose from what is in the fridge/cupboards or go buy something. I will cook at the weekend when i have time but i can't be arsed with mid week cooking any more. It is only DH and DD2 (age 17) who are at home now. I see it as helping DD2 prepare for self catering at uni! Your DS is very wrong in his assumptions and needs to wise up.

Ingles2 · 09/09/2015 19:10

Oh spidemama.. Your household sounds like it could be mine!
Ds1 (16 next month) wouldn't get away with telling me I'm a shit parent, but he'd have a good go! I insist they help with chores when dh is working away and that includes, hanging out the washing, hoovering, dishwasher, cooking etc. Ds2 who is 14, does it no problem... Ds1 makes a major fuss.. He still has to do it though! I've just read him your op and we've had a little giggle at how similar it is to our household.i think things are improving though as he approaches 16..sympathies though, 15 is bloody nightmarish

Original poster

Spidermama · 09/09/2015 19:12

I don't think there's anything else going on. It's very common for his dad to be away but having said that his dad has been here for most of the summer holidays. Now though he has to earn some money.

My work load more or less doubles when DH goes away and DS should know this by now.

The way he and his 17 year old sister speak to me is so abusive and upsetting. They seem to have literally no respect for me. I honestly don't know what to do. I've tried so many things...Reasoning with them, withholding pocket money, financial incentives for mucking in - BIG mistake! I don't know why they are so disrespectful of me. It hurts a lot. I was never like this with my parents. I honestly don't know what's gone so badly wrong or how to make it better.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spidermama · 09/09/2015 19:13

Ingles2 when you say you wouldn't let your ds get away with calling you a shit parent, what would you do? How do you stop him?

OP posts:

Jw35 · 09/09/2015 19:14

He called you a shit parent? How rude! I hope he's had a consequence for that? Disgusting!

YANBU how is he going to cope when he leaves home if he can't cook! Parenting is teaching responsibility! My 12 year old cooks simple meals now and then! Only beans on toast etc but she's learning! By 15 I expect her to know a lot more!

Original poster

Spidermama · 09/09/2015 19:15

I honestly think he's telling the truth and that his friends are not expected to cook or clean. I don't understand why.

OP posts:

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/09/2015 19:15

He actually said you're a shit parent?

Your problem isn't whether other DC have to cook the tea (yes by the way)

I would be incandescent with rage at the way he has spoken to you and there would be serious consequences. I certainly wouldn't be handing out pocket money from your hard earned wages, and I would be removing anything like a phone for similar reasons.

I think it's also very important that he realises he simply shouldn't speak to you like that and how hurtful it is. Is his dad a good role model, generally? I know he works away but I would be asking him to have a word about respect as well as doing it myself.

I'm disabled so my DC probably have to do a lot more than their peers. I know it probably drives them mad and am careful not to put too much on them...there is the odd eye roll if I request a cup of tea sometimes but generally they are fairly good. I really do, in general, try and present chores eat as no helping me But something everyone that lives in the house has to pitch in with. Their dad sets a good example and they see him telling me not to attempt anything housework related being kind to me so I think it rubbed off.

Poor you, he has spoken in a very hurtful way. Serious consequences needed.

hibbleddible · 09/09/2015 19:15

This is slightly missing the point of the thread (yanbu BTW) but why not make the veggie dinner for everyone? It would save lots of effort, and no one needs meat at every meal.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/09/2015 19:19

Just seen your last posts. I bet you ??100 that some of his friends at least have to help with cooking and cleaning.

It's time to get tough. No phones or pocket money and restrict wifi. Maybe someone will have a better idea than this how to actually get through to them that their behaviour is so insulting, rude and hurtful. It's a lack of respect, isn't it?

QuiteLikely5 · 09/09/2015 19:19

They are disrespectful because they have no or very poor boundaries. Is your husband disrespectful towards you?

They do learn behaviour like this from others.

Quite simply they wouldn't do it if they didn't think they could.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/09/2015 19:20

present chores etc as not helping me sorry

maybebabybee · 09/09/2015 19:20

How completely disgraceful! I cooked loads as a teenager as my single mother worked shifts. Thank fuck I did as it meant when I went to university I was not completely clueless unlike some of my peers who couldn't even cut an onion.

Cooking is an important life skill IMO. YANBU at all OP

QuiteLikely5 · 09/09/2015 19:23

Imo children should be tidying up and contributing towards the household from a very young age.

It's how we prepare them for life.

My ds 2 gets asked to tidy away his toys (he rarely does) dd 5 does help put her laundry away and my eldest helps out too!

I'm their mother not their personal skivvy!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 09/09/2015 19:23

I'd buy him 7 pot noodles and cooking his tea can be popping the water onto boil.

Cheeky sod.

Ingles2 · 09/09/2015 19:29

Sorry, i was trying to post on my phone and it wouldn't let me..
I'm sorry I don't agree with most of these posters,.. yes it is totally disrespectful, rude and not acceptable behaviour, but I don't think this is uncommon with boys this age... I see it with my boys, my friends boys, family boys.. 15 is a difficult age, they are hormonal and arsey. I think you just have to keep re-enforcing the boundaries / rules now. Ds1 was terrible 6 months ago, super stroppy at home. impeccably behaved at school, and doing brilliantly, but had nothing but disdain for me, practically sneered every response. he was definitely worse after he'd been on the ps/internet.. so every time something went wrong I unplugged the router.. no fifa, no webchats, no youtube rubbish. It's either worked or he's just growing out of this phase cos he's a million times better now. I seemed to do nothing but screech at him, but hey ho :D
Does your ds1 use the ps a lot? Have you noticed anything in particular that triggers the aggressive strops?

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 09/09/2015 19:29

Who is going to cook for him when he leaves home? Perhaps he will just develop these skills whilst sleeping?

I shared a house at uni with 3 boys, one who couldn't even do toast, never had to do it at home. I don't know who they thought would do it when he went to university.

Ds1 is a bit younger, he is 12 but he helps prep dinner (they did cooking in school from year 7) I am just hovering around while he stirs etc. He is very slow at chopping so I do some of it for time reasons.

But he puts laundry on, empties the recycling into the large bin outside. Both children have set days for table setting, Ds2 is 9. Dh and I walk into the kitchen after dinner and take stuff through, then the children are left to clear the rest of the table, placemats away and wipe the table down.

They also dust and hoover.

I am a SAHM so am totally able to all of the above but I am hoping that like Dh who was raised by a SAHM that they will be totally capable of doing everything I do when they are 18. Ds1 will start to cook one meal a week very soon.

BobbinThreadbare · 09/09/2015 19:30

YANBU. I was cooking for my family when my parents were at work from the age of twelve, and pitching in for years before that. I'm sure I was about 6 when first handed a potato peeler. It's served me well in adult life, as I didn't starve or get scurvy at uni and I'm now regarded as a decent cook.

OP, tell your son to fend for himself!

OhYeahMama · 09/09/2015 19:37

and then I made the mistake of asking DS, who's 15, to put the chicken in the oven to roast, and then to dish it up when it was done.

You didn't make a mistake - he's a lazy disrespectful child. You need to think hard on how you manage this as it is a yardstick for the future.

Love the pot noodle idea. . I'd take away his phone and other privileges, not for not doing it but for how he spoke to you.

Libitina · 09/09/2015 19:41

YANBU.

I would stop cooking, cleaning his room, washing and ironing for him until he realises that he has to pull his weight around the house too.

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