To expect my teenagers to make dinner sometimes?

[Spidermama]

DH is working away at the moment. He works away a lot. It's the best way he's found of earning enough money.
I work at 5am until 12 with no break. After work today I took in and hung out a wash, walked the dog, went to Currys to buy alarm clocks for everyone (since DS managed to sleep through his phone alarm and be late for school), take DS to his routine hospital appointment, take him to the chemist to pick up a prescription, cook a veggie dinner for DD and me, peel and boil potatoes and carrots for the boys ... and then I made the mistake of asking DS, who's 15, to put the chicken in the oven to roast, and then to dish it up when it was done.

He went mental. He said I'm a shit parent and it's my responsibility to make dinner every night. He said no-one else's parents make them cook dinner ever. I want to know if he's right. My sister and I used to cook most nights of the week.

AIBU to expect the teenagers too cook a bit of dinner now and again? How unusual is that?

I used to cook full meals for my family from the age of 15, when mum was working. It helped hhat I enjoyed it but actually more importantly, my mum really appreciated it and I liked doing things for her.

dreading my three dc becoming teenagers

Don't be a slave to them, everyone should muck in plus its all life skills for the future.
My DD was back home from uni over the holidays and it wouldn't cross her mind not to cook dinner if i wasn't in!
Nothing fancy but roasts, curries and pasta based meals are simple, and if you can read you can follow a recipe or cooking instructions.
My DD is 18 now but this has been the norm for years in our house.
Nip it in the bud now, sit him down and have a chat regarding him helping in the house, tell him how you feel.

Both my parents worked full time, so from about 13 onwards I was expected to at least start dinner because I was the first home. Being a control freak, me starting dinner generally involved finishing it as well. The trade-off was that mum did breakfast because I was not a morning person. By the time I was 16 I did the bulk of the cooking at home because I enjoyed it and my DM hated cooking.

Maybe divvy up meals or days on a rota system?

Sorry to hear he said that. I've noticed my kids are shattered this week being back at school so maybe your one is too and he snapped. I'm in the camp that doesn't ask their DC to cook. They've got all that to come when they leave home. I've tried. They're not interested. I wasn't interested either at their age but learnt when I left home through necessity.

They do stuff round the house but no set chores, mainly one-off requests as and when I need help, which is what you asked your DS to do. I hope he calms down and apologises to you.

Goblin i was using the teenagers phrase, 'shit parent!'

In this situation, refusing to look after or cook for a 15 year old is not childish, it is not behaving like you are in infant school either. It's to make him realise how much IS done for him and how stupid he is to complain at being asked to help out.
If OP stopped doing things for him he may just appreciate how much she has done!
No way would I do anything for a 15 year old who spoke to me in that way or refused to help.it's not childish, it's having self respect. A mother is not a doormat
Sadly, I think this teenager has no respect because OP may never shown she expects it.

What DO you suggest she does, then?

gottage- do you have teenagers?

Yanbu. At 13 I could make a basic meal for my family of 6- spaghetti bol, lasagna, meat and 2 veg, stir fry and did regularly.

junosmum- do you have teenagers?

I was an only child and my mum was a housewife. I still did my share of helping around the house and cooking meals. At 15 he is more than capable of cooking his own dinner and I would tell him to get on with it or go hungry.

Does he speak to his father with the same attitude or is it just when he thinks he can get away with it when your husband is not at home?

There seems an awful lot of ( rather harsh advice) from people here that don't actually have teenagers. All to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Being a teenager once doesn't make you an expert in parenting one.
Having been a child once doesn't make you an expert mother.

My ( childless) SIL is very fond of giving parenting advice even though she has never had kids.
I notice most of those on this thread who actually have experience of parenting teens have a much more moderate view- and speak a great deal more sense.

These are the views that are actually worth reading.

crispbutty- are you a parent of teenagers- or simply an expert because you once were one?

I brought 3 of them up as it happens. They all cooked and helped with housework. How many have you got?

annielouise- you are right, teenagers do get tired. back at school, heavy workload back to homework, studying, extra curricular activities.
I don't demand much of them although to do choose to help quite a bit, I don't insist.

They have all their lives for domestic chores, I want to support them as much as I can through these important exam years.

Teenagers can be very difficult and they vary , However those of us who have teenagers who cook are not making it up.
If mine did not cook they would not eat. That is a pretty good way of ensuring they obtain the skills! One is cooking now - I am not even sure what it is but he came in to ask some questions about differences between the bottom and top oven as he prefers the top as he says it heats more quickly and I saw peas when I went in the kitchen but not the rest of it.

When my children were 15/16 I never expected them to cook dinner. They had far too much study to be getting on with. Generally DH and I cooked then the teens tidied away afterwards. It was awful your DS called you a shit parent though and I wouldn't have tolerated any of mine speaking to me like that. That's just disrespectful. I wonder what the response would have been if you'd ever called him a shit son?

We have a whiteboard in the kitchen that I write up what's for dinner the following night. I have a DH, 4 adult DC and various GF/BF coming and going most nights. If they don't put their initial (and the initial of their BF/GF) then they fend for themselves. We eat at 7, that way it gives everyone time to get in from work and Uni. We all muck in to cook/set the table/ put washings on/ exercise dogs/muck horses and have done so from they were all 18/19.

Thing is though, while teens are back in school and might be a bit tired etc, that doesn't give them the right not to do normal household chores. It's a part of life, and although op's ds may have had a bad day - well, adults all over the country have bad days and still make dinner etc. He's not a baby. I'm actually not that far off being a teen myself, but I do think this is the perfect opportunity for the op to encourage him to do more about the house. Link it to priveledges - if he wants trust, respect, to be treated like an adult, then he needs to start acting like one. Not kicking off cos he was asked to put the chicken in the oven.

Thing is though Murfles, you say When my children were 15/16 I never expected them to cook dinner. They had far too much study to be getting on with but then say We all muck in to cook/set the table/ put washings on/ exercise dogs/muck horses. Well, most of our teens don't have 'muck horses' on their daily routine, so can possibly spare time to practice a life skill. I suspect my dc can be studying whilst yours are exercising the dogs and mucking out the horses.

I have been thinking about this thread a bit especially what *purple" said about role models. I think how parents treat each other and how they talk to children will often affect how teens act out (they all act out - you just need to control the disrespect/contempt).

I have 3 teens. My son aged 18 has never spoken disrespectfully to me. That is a combination of luck, his personality (very laid back), and I think the fact that he has never heard his father speak disrespectfully to me.

Lots of rearing teens is just luck though - you think you have it nailed and then something comes along that floors you.

For those who "forgot" to teach their children to cook, I kind of am that soldier. By the time they came in from school at 6 or even 7 after sports/study hall etc., dinner would be already on so they never had regular obligation to cook. DS headed off to university this year and cooks on a rota with his 3 roommates with no worries.

In their teens I expected my dcs to cook whatever was on the menu list if they got home before me. DD would offer to cook sunday lunch cos she knew I'd rather be gardening.

YANBU. A shit parent is one who doesn't teach their child life skills and ends up exhausted from waiting on them.
Make a list of the tasks that have to be done (inc all the things you do like paying bills), and point out to your 'young adult' that at 15 he is capable of doing his fair share, and that asking him to do so is part of treating him as a grown up. Also that a young man who can cook brilliantly, does his share of housework and is polite to his mother is much more attractive to girls than a rude lazy slob.

Don't tackle it when he's tired and hungry, though!

I don't have teens but when I was one, chores such as cooking, ironing, hoovering and dusting were split evenly between three of us - my parents and me. And my mum only worked two days a week. I also went to a very academic school that set a lot of homework.

gottage- do you have teenagers

I have had two teenagers, Goblin I don't claim to be an expert, but I know enough not to ever have put up with any abuse from them. I was fair with them and they respected me because they also knew I wouldnt put up with any crap. If I asked them to do any cooking or chores they wouldnt respond like OPs son.

To annielouise & goblinhat who don't ask DC to cook because they've got plenty of that ahead of them in life, a genuine question (without prejudice; you do what you do, I do what I do)...

When do you invisage them learning how to prepare decent healthy meals to whatever budget they end up having? My DM is an awful cook, and I went on to teach myself through trial & error, but that's only because I WAS interested.

I have friends who now serve their own young families a rotation of fish fingers/chicken dippers/chips/waffles/pizza because they just don't know how to make anything else; never mind how to menu plan, use leftovers for a 'new' meal, throw something together from basics when you've no time/money to shop. These are pretty important skills to be taught, imo.

I work 2 evenings a week

If ds1 (16) didnt cook then none of them would eat...or it would turn into a lord of the flies survival thing

Having said that its only things like pizza and chicken nuggets

Loads of children do all sorts of levels of cooking and cleaning from nothing to full on caring... Its what is needed in each family

You are not a shit parent, loads of teenagers feel hard done by

Im a great believer in delegation

Thats my excuse and im sticking with it

octobercake- my kids do cook, they both love cooking and are very adept.
However they choose when to cook, it is not an expectation I have of them.