To expect my teenagers to make dinner sometimes?

[Spidermama]

DH is working away at the moment. He works away a lot. It's the best way he's found of earning enough money.
I work at 5am until 12 with no break. After work today I took in and hung out a wash, walked the dog, went to Currys to buy alarm clocks for everyone (since DS managed to sleep through his phone alarm and be late for school), take DS to his routine hospital appointment, take him to the chemist to pick up a prescription, cook a veggie dinner for DD and me, peel and boil potatoes and carrots for the boys ... and then I made the mistake of asking DS, who's 15, to put the chicken in the oven to roast, and then to dish it up when it was done.

He went mental. He said I'm a shit parent and it's my responsibility to make dinner every night. He said no-one else's parents make them cook dinner ever. I want to know if he's right. My sister and I used to cook most nights of the week.

AIBU to expect the teenagers too cook a bit of dinner now and again? How unusual is that?

It sounds to me as though you are afraid of conflict and your children are exploiting this.

Today I am still recovering from a cold and work 10 hours, DH is ho,e but he has the cold, DD(16) cooked tea even though she has been at school too. DD(18) is waiting to start uni but she did loads of washing and unshackled and restocked the dishwasher.
In this house cooking is shared.
However my 16 year old is quite hormonal and in other days she is just as likely to refuse to cook and not bother to eat. She comes up with the 'nobody else has to.....' Every so often and I just ignore.

It depends on the child. I rarely cook for the teenagers. The teenagers cook for themselves. TYonight one 16 put on a joint of prok for him and his older brother who was out with me , with roast potatoes and veg. All 3 of my boys cook quite well.

Howeve rthey like what they are used to - certainty and reliability - so a new rule that yours cooks every Thursday night say gives him absolutely certainty. What they don't like are changes.

quite loud, argumentative and dramatically indignant

Remind you of anyone else?

Seriously though, this is why I asked about his dad earlier. IME of teenage boys, a huge amount of them recreate the behaviour of their dads. It's funny when they're younger and it's cute, but not so funny if they pick up less than positive traits. The question I would be thinking about is not necessarily how you can teach best about respect, but how his father can do this?

I expect I'll be shot at dawn for this, but I do believe teenage boys benefit from a very good role male model* to demonstrate how to treat people (especially mothers, especially women!) with respect. Your DS is 15. He could possibly living away from home in 2 to 3 years. He could soon or might already have a girlfriend. The attitude is he displaying isn't acceptable and could his father have a role in making this very clear to him? Have you told DH about the row, and what was his reaction?

*No disrepect is meant to single mothers bringing up DC without a role model thing, generally single mothers are bloody great role models in themselves. I just mean if there is a man who lives with them, they do absorb their behaviour and attitudes.

YANBU to expect him to cook sometimes, but suddenly asking him to roast a chicken if he hasn't done it before might be throwing him in at the deep end a bit. I haven't taught my older teenagers that bit yet, I've concentrated on teaching them simple meals that they'll be able to make when they're students with maybe not much money and limited cooking facilities.

I'm not that shocked about the "shit parent" thing either. I'm not saying you are a shit parent, but lots of teenagers (including me at that age) say things like that in anger or frustration. It wouldn't do any harm to give him a consequence for that (I like the idea of not cooking for him for a while), but don't feel that the relationship between you is permanently damaged, or that your parenting is seriously being questioned.

For what it's worth, I was very rarely allowed to cook as a child and teenager (yes, I did say "allowed" - it was considered a rare treat, not an unpleasant duty) but I learnt pretty quick when I had to fend for myself. I think it varies enormously how much children cook at home and they are all being basically well brought up.

My ds has cooked a meal at least once a week since he was 9.
They had to cook for cubs and he decided he liked it!

Ok, sometimes all he has to do us put some oven chips and frozen meat in the oven. But sometimes he will make a bolognese or pizza.

He also puts the bin out (usually twice a week), the recycling (similar days), grabs dry washing in off the line if I ask him. Washes up alternate nights.
And mows the lawn.

He has just turned 12, and I am a single parent. We all have to pull our weight!

If you are such a shit parent, maybe all extras should suddenly stop. The nice, prepared, cooked food. The electricity for their gadgets. The clean laundry appearing...

I do most of the cooking for everyone.
Sometimes my teenagers will cook on a Sunday, but that's once a month or so.
THey don't have time to do much housework either, very busy with extra curricular activities, study clubs, studying at home etc.
They keep their rooms tidy and are very respectful towards OH and I.

Children don't suddenly lose respect for you. If they are that disrespectful then they never have really respected you.
In your shoes at the moment, I would do what someone else suggested and BE a shit parent. I would do absolutely nothing for them.

Spidermama - am I right in thinking your DS has diabetes? Might be worth bearing this in mind re arguments around food and meals especially if your DS might be hungry/ low blood sugar as that might cause him to be angry/ less reasonable in behaviours than he would when levels were normal.

Not making excuses but I think being a teenage and managing fluctuations in moods alongside diabetes can be a tricky mix.

As another owner of a 15 year DS I think purple pearls speaks a lot of sense.

I think in our house we have suffered from being two working parents who've always needed to get the domestic stuff done quickly and effectively which mitigated against getting our kids to help very much. It's always great on these threads to hear of people who have raised mini-domestics from the age of 2.

In your shoes at the moment, I would do what someone else suggested and BE a shit parent. I would do absolutely nothing for them.

Isn't that a little childish?
Kids model our behaviour. If we show them that throwing all our toys out of the pram is a way of behaving it's not teaching them very much.

No, goblinhat it is NOT childish.

Why would anyone put up with being spoken to like that? Or why would anyone carry on doing things for anyone who refused to help and was bloody rude about it!
OP can calmly tell her little horror that until his attitude changes, she will show him what it is like to have a 'shit' parent.
I don't know why any parent of a 15 year old would 'look after' them anyway. 15 year olds are quite capable of cooking and washing and cleaning.

My dd is 15 and often her mouth runs away with her. She has been more stressed this year because it's exam year and doing 5 nat5's and a higher seems to be piling on her. She can cook and manages well.

But I think laying down basic rules of a cooking rota etc especially when you are up so early would be a good start. Maybe they need to learn that independence and not sheltered upbringing is the way to go in life.

He was very disrespectful.

When I was a teenager it was my job to cook for the whole family one night a week. We took turns among siblings because it was fair (my mum was working long hours).

It was the best thing ever, in hindsight - when we went to university we knew how to cook ourselves a meal (mainly pasta and stir fries, but cheap and healthy).

I think it's important that teenagers learn to cook and clean, budget, iron, wash clothes

OP I'm having exactly this same problem with slightly younger teen DS.

I've said he could/should make the odd meal if not for all of us at least for himself.

He whines and says no one else at school does any chores etc. he says we're being mean.

If we refuse to cook for him (leaving out something suitable he could prepare eg a baked potato) he'll just go hungry to spite us then be in an even fouler mood because he's hungry (but won't admit it).

I'm happy to take suggestions from this thread as I'm sick of putting up with his behaviour. (He calls us names etc too)

YANBU but I know parents who run around after there lazy teens cooking them individual meals and tearing their hair out because they wont empty/turn on dishwasher/cooker etc.

Bad behaviour in teenagers is nothing to do with hormones. That's just a convenient myth.

Goodness me - teenagers do blow up sometimes and often it's the parent who is in the line of fire. Have none of you ever said anything in the heat of the moment?

It doesn't mean she's a useless parent or that her son has zero respect for her.

It does mean some calm talking about what it means to be in a family, what's reasonable in terms of help and what the DS might like to do (some people do hate cooking but he's obviously happy to do other stuff e.g. laundry).

I don't have teenagers but thinking back to when I was that age, I think he needs to realise how much you do for him and that you're not a shit parent. Stop doing anything and everything you currently do for him. No cooking, no laundry, no tidying up after him, no getting him up for school, no packed lunch. He will soon realise how much he could be helping out.

gottage- I'm not suggesting the OP puts up with being spoken to like that- at no point did I say that.

What I am suggesting that using childish tactics "she will show him what it is like to have a 'shit' parent." is doing no good in the long run other than demonstrating that it's OK to behave as if you are in infant school.

Goblin - agree.

Going to DefCon 3 over this seems massively counter productive.

Of course it's not unreasonable. Teaches responsibility and skills. They will need to learn how to cook. Don't cook for them

Not read the thread yet.

I remember you posting about your DH years ago, how he just did what he wanted etc etc. There is your answer.

And yes of course teenagers get asked to make the dinner - I used to when I was 15.

overthemill- do you have teenagers?

YANBU - it will do him good to learn to cook. My mother was overprotective to the extreme, and as a result left for uni unable to even boil pasta. I had to ask my uni friends to teach me - was so humiliating, an 18 year old girl who was clever enough to go to uni but had never been taught to cook. I'm 20 now, can cook full meals and wish my mother had allowed me to when I was younger. I suggest that instead of just asking him to put a chicken in the oven, him and his sister both cook a meal once per week. Assist him if he asks for help. Let him choose the meal. He might enjoy it - I love cooking, after 'hating' (never had the chance to try) it for 18 years. In 3 short years he could be away at uni, don't make him be the 'baby' of the flat in uni/houseshare. He might not like it now, but cruel to be kind and all that. He'll thank you later.

I have an 18 and 13 yr old ds and they rarely cook. If they do it's because they are home alone and hungry and them it's chicken dippers and waffles type food.

I can't imagine what they would think if I said to cook a family dinner. I think ds2 would give it a go but ds1 just wouldn't do it.

That's awful thinking about it, but I got so fed up with half arsed jobs that it's just quicker and easier to donut myself.