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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my teenagers to make dinner sometimes?

117 replies

Spidermama · 09/09/2015 19:01

DH is working away at the moment. He works away a lot. It's the best way he's found of earning enough money.
I work at 5am until 12 with no break. After work today I took in and hung out a wash, walked the dog, went to Currys to buy alarm clocks for everyone (since DS managed to sleep through his phone alarm and be late for school), take DS to his routine hospital appointment, take him to the chemist to pick up a prescription, cook a veggie dinner for DD and me, peel and boil potatoes and carrots for the boys ... and then I made the mistake of asking DS, who's 15, to put the chicken in the oven to roast, and then to dish it up when it was done.

He went mental. He said I'm a shit parent and it's my responsibility to make dinner every night. He said no-one else's parents make them cook dinner ever. I want to know if he's right. My sister and I used to cook most nights of the week.

AIBU to expect the teenagers too cook a bit of dinner now and again? How unusual is that?

OP posts:
Ingles2 · 09/09/2015 19:42

I love the posters who come on and say my 12 yr old does loads to help.. yes, funnily enough ds1 did loads to help when he was 12 too..
Come and talk to me when your ds is a smelly, spotty 15yr old heap of hormones Grin

maybebabybee · 09/09/2015 19:46

ingles I don't think anyone is disputing it's sadly relatively common, but that doesn't make it acceptable.

FYI my DB is nearly 15 and he does the cooking one night a week.

Ingles2 · 09/09/2015 19:47

where did I say it was acceptable? I clearly said it wasn't.. and that I've been coming down hard on my own 15yr old! Confused

PurpleHairAndPearls · 09/09/2015 19:47

Ingles, i have older teens as well as younger and expect the same standards of (reasonably) polite and respectful behaviour. Yes they are more challenging as they get older and it's only natural sometimes they want to rebel. However telling your mother that she is a "shit parent" goes well beyond acceptability, no matter what age. I also think it very important that male DC particularly know they have to treat women with respect and pull their weight domestically. I don't want to be a MIL derided on here in years to come!

fieldfare · 09/09/2015 19:48

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from your son. There must be consequences for behaving in such a horrid way. Ban his devices from the router, refuse to give lifts, stop pocket money etc.
when your husband is next back have a family meeting and discuss how things are going to be going forward. Rewards and access to privileges must be earnt!

Our dd is nearly 13, we have full on meltdowns quite regularly over nothing at all. There are consequences. However there are plenty of rewards for pitching in, being pleasant and helpful. She doesn't cook for the family yet but is perfectly able to prepare herself something to eat.

Scholes34 · 09/09/2015 19:51

It's not so much about rules and chores, but about the respect, or lack of it, that you DC have for you at the moment. Let them know you're disappointed in them, remind them you're not asking much of them and ask them to think about their behaviour . . . and then ask them again to put the chicken in to roast and serve it up when it's done.

As as a previous poster susggested, next time it's a vegetarian meal for everyone. DC1's off to uni shortly. She made a lovely chickpea curry last night at a fraction of the cost of a chicken one.

Jw35 · 09/09/2015 19:52

I understand 12 isn't 15 but believe me I wouldn't put up with that attitude at any age! I can still have an opinion! My 12 year old has been raging with hormones since she was 8!

Ingles2 · 09/09/2015 19:53

is anyone actually reading what I've written? I've clearly said its not acceptable!
quite frankly I'm amazed at how many unhelpful posts there are on this thread.. Spidermama's ds is rebelling.. telling her that he's disgusting, rude and disrespectful isn't helping.. she knows that!

Ingles2 · 09/09/2015 19:55

hahaha .. well good luck for when she's 15 then!

BeaufortBelle · 09/09/2015 19:55

spidermama huge big enveloping mnetty not >>>>hug

Olivepip59 · 09/09/2015 19:58

That's a horrible way to speak to you. Flowers

Was he intimidated by the roasting and dishing up and got embarrassed with exploded as anger?

My DC cooked with me when they lived at home (greedy sods, not domestic angels!) but they would have heard 'roast chicken and serve' and panicked. They always maintained roasts were tricky and only adults could do them, unless I stood over them 'helping.'

I'm not excusing rudeness, but could he have felt intimidated?

Also, what are you doing separate meals as well as working and all that belting about?

Perhaps when things have calmed down, they could help you do some meal planning so they would feel more invested.

Hope you're ok.

Amammi · 09/09/2015 19:59

Go on strike and don't feed him or wash his clothes.

DoreenLethal · 09/09/2015 20:00

If you don't know what to do if a child calls you a shit parent, then perhaps you need to start being a shit parent just so they can have a little bit of experience of shit parenting.

No ferrying them around, no buying treats, basic and I mean basic food, hogging the TV, taking the router out and to bed with you, no doing the washing up or washing - you know, just be shit for a while. And of course, no pocket money or allowances.

BackforGood · 09/09/2015 20:00

My dc (I have 3 teens) each take responsibility for making the evening meal one night a week - that's not me asking if they can just do this or that as part of a plan I've made, that's deciding what to make, (can put ingredients on the list ahead of my shop if they want or create something from what we have in), prepping anything that needs to be prepped - so prepping veg, or working out if it's something that needs to be cooked for a longer time, that they have to do it earlier or the night before, and cooking it.
Whoever isn't cooking is expected to help either by laying the table, getting everyone a drink, type thing, or emptying the dishwasher and loading it up with dirty stuff.
tbh, they often end up doing more than one night, depending on what else is going on.

hunibuni · 09/09/2015 20:01

DS tried to be a smartarse at around that age. All services were suspended immediately and he was told in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to complain then he could do it himself. DD (8) has been told the same,consequently she lives in her tip of a room and I close the door because she's a smart cookie who would use my own words against me Grin

ssd · 09/09/2015 20:02

my 2 do sod all, I hardly know anyone who's teen is much better, although on MN the 5 year olds hold down jobs and run the home..

BeaufortBelle · 09/09/2015 20:06

Lives on same planet as ssd :)

woodhill · 09/09/2015 20:09

Yanbu but my ds is the same, I end up making his lunch for school. ? They are so selfish. I went to a friend's recently and her young adult ds helped clear up straight away. So nice, where did I go wrong.

AtSea1979 · 09/09/2015 20:10

OP others are right. There has to be an appropriate consequence. I'm guessing this didn't happy over night. In the nicest possible way, is it possible you are too soft on them? They see you as a push over?
How does your DH speak to you? How do DC speak to DH?

If that was my DS I would not cook for him again until he apologised and meant it.

knittingwithnettles · 09/09/2015 20:10

Ds1 (15) would have panicked and refused. But he helps with plenty of other stuff housework wise - errands, table laying, bins, just scared of taking a chicken out of the oven and dropping it.
Unless something is arranged in advance he tends to react quite badly with random requests for help and support; it as if he doesn't like me to be under pressure. He is much more helpful when I am calm and masterful - do you think your ds is just responding negatively to the fact that you are tired and stressed (of course he's making it much worse and it is incredibly immature to do so but it doesn't mean you have failed to bring him up properly)

I think you need to get him on a good day and talk about ways you can rely on him, perhaps schedule in some ways he can help out with boring jobs that are a bit easier for him?

Ingratitude is a horrible thing to experience, but I don't think they mean it like that - it is such a teen thing - just their emotions blot out their empathy.

BathshebaDarkstone · 09/09/2015 20:15

I'd be sorely tempted to tell him to fuck off, but that wouldn't help. He needs to know he can't talk to you like that and that he needs to help around the house. What does he do when he comes in from school?

Original poster
Spidermama · 09/09/2015 20:22

Thanks Beaufortbelle for a great post. Thanks all of your for your support. I'm feeling a bit better now and really glad to hear that it's so common to expect teenagers to muck in and to cook the odd meal.

I don't often do a meat option to be fair. I tend to do veggie for everyone when I'm cooking but I bought a chicken because the boys do like meat.

DS and DD already do their own laundry now. After years untangling pants from tights, pulling clean clothes out of the washing which they'd dumped in their baskets as a short cut to tidying their rooms etc etc etc, I'd had enough and told them I would no longer be doing their laundry. That was about a month ago. I'm really glad and would recommend it. Smile

I can't remove wifi and I don't honestly think I could take his phone either. I don't really like consequences when they're not related to the crime. I would much rather demand respect because I think when you take the phone or wifi away, they behave until its returned and don't really learn anything. DH and I argue about this though as he believes in punishments.

Thanks for making me feel better. I really appreciate it. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermama · 09/09/2015 20:32

AtSea1979 I like the idea of not cooking for him again until he's apologised but I don't think it's realistic. He'll have forgotten all about it tomorrow and for me to cook for everyone else and leave him out would seem petty and spiteful to him.

In answer to those who say what else is going on and are others in the house rude to each other, good point. DD, who's 17, is extremely lairy with everyone in the house. She's very dramatic and always thinks everyone's getting at her. She also does less than anyone else in the house and makes more mess than anyone. It's a massive headache for all of us.

DH usually backs me in front of the kids, but he is quite loud, argumentative and dramatically indignant with the kids. He won't let it lie and backs them into a corner. It's very annoying as it injects more aggro into the situation instead of calming it down with quiet authority, which is what I'm aiming for. So I guess our styles are at odds and that might be a problem.

OP posts:
Mistigri · 09/09/2015 20:38

I agree with knitting that some teens react badly to sudden requests. IME the best approach is to negotiate a rota for helping with specific tasks, unless you are lucky to have a willing teen (my 14 year old loves cooking, although she's not nearly so good about other household tasks!)

OTOH your DS's reaction was over-the-top and unpleasant ... Is he usually like this or is it partly back-to-school blues? My hormonal nearly-teen is being particularly challenging this week.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 09/09/2015 20:42

I can barely convince dd (14) to make toast. She would never take anything in or out the oven as she reckons she's terrified of getting burned. She's scared of the toaster and won't boil a kettle. To be honest she drives me nuts and I think she's pathetic. I do wonder if it's pure laziness, if she says she's scared and cries I can't make her do it.

Ive tried doing it with her, ive tried being nice, ive tried reading her the riot act.