About a weekend away. Answer: yes, I'm totally being unreasonable but need people to give my head a wobble

[IdBuyThatForADollar]

I'm going away with my DP this weekend. Without my DC. I feel this should fill me with joy. It doesn't.

It's a gathering organised by some of DPs friends. Loads of people. I know one couple very slightly. I know no-one else. This is the kind of social situation that sends me into meltdown.

Plus, they are all super-cool, super-alternative, super-hot and super-fancy.

I am dowdy, overweight, do a boring job in a boring industry, parent a child ineffectually and generally have nothing to recommend me to anyone outside of my chosen social circle.

I'm driving and we're only staying one night, so I can't even get utterly off my face and pass out as a coping mechanism.

Also, my DP is a lovely, lovely man and I don't want to be a massive killjoy and piss on his chips (he is excellent at and loves large gatherings of people) or be an albatross that he has to support/be nice to the whole time. He's always so positive about time spent with my friends/family (though to be fair, they're all fucking awesome), I feel I should be about time spent with his.

I just want (already) to crawl into a hole and die.

So, how can I cheer the fuck up about this, be positive and try to enjoy it, at least enough to fool my DP into thinking that it's all good.

Hi OP - in yr situation i would try to rermember to just keep asking ppl about themseves, good old cliched advice I know! They will then get that you are nice, and you may well find their lives aren't all fab - or, if they keep up the pretence that all is utter fabulousness, you'll know they too are probably feeling a bit insecure!

Final cliche - you wouldn't worry half so much what people thought about you if you realised how little they did it.

Oh I know. And I'm sure they'd be horrified if they knew how I was feeling. It's my issue, not theirs. I don't really think they'd be judging me. I just like (I don't mean like - I mean I have a hideous internal narrative that just does it) to judge/be mean/insult myself in my head and this is an easy win for that.

These people all know each other really well right?

Well in that case they are likely to be deeply bored with each other and will find you terribly interesting as you are so different to them!

They will probably all be desperately trying to impress you.

Just because they are beautiful and creative and talented doesn't mean they aren't a swirling morass of insecurities underneath.

All will be well.

I have to spend time, occasionally, (for work) mixing with cool, creative Shoreditch types. And I am not like that, at all, and it used to terrify me.

The secret is (as said earlier) is asking them about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves - it is amazing how little effort you have to put in, once you get them going. it helps if you find what they are saying interesting, but it is not essential. Just keep the conversation going with a few, well timed, open ended questions. Then, gracefully move on to the next one.

Everyone will automatically think you are lovely and interesting because you seem to find them lovely and interesting.

Done and dusted :)

OP - go and be your fabulous self. Lots of helpful suggestions here (I second slapping on some make up, new hair, paint your nails etc for confidence boosters). If was to add, I would suggest the following...

You say these people are super duper interesting, quirky, unusual. Great. Ask them about it, plenty to chat about there I am sure.

"DH tells me that you have started up a business doing X. How is it going? Wow, how interesting.. I have never thought about doing something like that myself, how did you get the idea? etc etc.

Remember, even if it seems alien to you, people love talking about themselves!

I am inferring from your OP that some of them have children. Marvellous.

"I hear you home school your children? How interesting.. How have you found it? DD has just started new school X to pursue hobby Y. Isn't it funny how kids adapt so well...blah blah"

It's not a competition at all. But being interested is often just as important as being interesting in these situations.

Good luck You will be fab.

Cross post (sort of) Banana

Anyone who uses the phrase "vole-strangling corporate" can't be that bad op. You'll have to do what I do in these situations - go anyway and then have a much nicer time than expected. If they're all dynamic cool alternative types then you can just ask them about themselves and all you'll have to do is listen and smile.

Also, you're doing a really good job right now of chatting with 40 or so complete strangers. Who are all probably very, very beautiful, stylish, creative, fun and working in amazing industries. I know I am.

Haha tldr. Good point, well made.

And if all else fails, just listen to people. Nod, look interested, make appropriate noises. They will queuing up to bend your ear I'm not saying that this would be an especially entertaining evening for you, although you say the other guests aren't boring, but it would prevent you feeling like a spare part

The anticipation is always the worst bit. Try this: every time you start to go down the route of worrying, ask yourself do I need to worry about this now or can it wait til later? Usually it can. (You can even decide a time eg tomorrow afternoon at 2pm I'll devote a whole hour to worrying about it.) Then by the time you've decided it's a good time to give air time to your worries, you're already at the do! hope you have a fab time with your fab DH out and about and proud to be together!

Great advice on here. You sound like the sort of person I'd like to to hang out with! I'm an introvert but also alternativish, there's always quiet people in any group.

My advice to my daughter who has occasional social agonies is, spot a quiet person that looks approachable and ask them gentle questions about themselves, life or interests. It sounds like you think there are genuinely interesting people there.

I can stand in front of 500 people and talk about work stuff, no worries at all. I rather enjoy it tbh. But even a small party fills me with horror as I either a) stand there like a lemon feeling left out or b) nervously witter.

If they are really nice people, then asking questions about their work etc will go down well. And if you are bored but want to make conversation, you could do yourself a bingo card and tick it off mentally or on your phone during loo breaks - Steiner, Weaving, yoga, locally produced, whatever you think, and see how many subjects come up. Kind of the hipster version of Daily Mail bingo which got me through many visits to the ILs

Going by my own experience of "super cool, super alternative, super hot" people, they will most likely be way too self-absorbed to notice your (all in your own head and not in reality, I'm sure) shortcomings and will be quite happy to talk about themselves all night. All you have to do is listen and look suitably enraptured...which I would struggle to do without being sarcastic but fortunately you sound far nicer than me

I hate this sort of thing too but you just need to tell yourself it's only one night and you can cope with anything for one night. It may be shallow but if you feel like you look your best you'll feel more confident. If you can't justify a whole new outfit, maybe just a splurge a tiny bit on something like a necklace (I always seem to get compliments on cheap ones ive picked up in charity shops), a new lipstick, a funky little bag, anything that will make you feel good.

Let us know how it goes!

What Perpicacia said. People love talking about themselves ( well a lot of people do, not all ) but not so many people are good listeners. People love good listeners. They'll love you.
Have a nice weekend, and chill.

Booze.

Lipstick.

Possibly a new item of clothing if at all feasible? (I rely on charity shops for this type of cash-strapped moment, and also one can shrug artily and say it was three quid in the Age UK shop...)

Also more booze.

Swap with me? I'm at my crazy narcissistic in laws. We've had a screaming match over the fact I don't iron properly and they've hidden my suitcases in the garage and locked it so I can't leave.

You sound like a laugh. I would like to meet you! I expect that you'll enjoy it.

I used to be really, really awkward in social situations, but these days I'm awesome Partly I just kind if realised that it's actually possible to make the choice to have a good time, and be more concerned about what I think about other people (not in a judgey way, in the sense that I'm interested in them!) than wondering what they think of me.

Thank you all. I'm taking frantic notes. I'm sure consulting them won't make me look weird.

My DP has just (again) thanked me profusely for all the driving I'll be doing this weekend and said how much he is looking forward to it, so I'm determined to make the best of it and hopefully have a lovely time.

It's daft, part of my job is dealing with people and I'm perfectly capable, and sometimes even good, at it, so who knows why this has unsettled me so much.

Actually, your last post reminded me: if I get anxious at a social event, I sometimes pretend I'm in another setting altogether, in order to harness the confidence that I feel I that situation. You could actually 'pretend' to be at work, talking to colleagues / clients. It has worked for me in the past.

Aha, just pretend you are at work then. Or, give yourself points for getting the most unlikely people to chat to you (50 points for the hipster in ankle-skimming trousers! 30 points for the earth mothe organic florist!).

And blimey IJustLosttheGame! PM me the house number and I will ring up pretending to be SO19 very concerned and angry at your kidnap.

Oh IJust! Are they really holding your luggage hostage? That's quite, um, extreme.

You'll be fine OP. I like you already Just listen a lot and be ready to like them. Take some nice wine or a bottle of some weird and wonderful spirits.

Also can we send a MN rescue party for JustLost?!

Another one who thinks you sound funny and great company, OP!

I tend to get myself worked up about these situations as well - except the other cool, creative types are actually my friends! When I feel myield obsessing over what they will think of me, I try and remember this quote from a Helen Fielding book:

When at parties, don't be worried about what everyone is thinking about you. No one is thinking about you. They are all thinking about themselves, just like you are.