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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About a weekend away. Answer: yes, I'm totally being unreasonable but need people to give my head a wobble

103 replies

IdBuyThatForADollar · 09/09/2015 12:34

I'm going away with my DP this weekend. Without my DC. I feel this should fill me with joy. It doesn't.

It's a gathering organised by some of DPs friends. Loads of people. I know one couple very slightly. I know no-one else. This is the kind of social situation that sends me into meltdown.

Plus, they are all super-cool, super-alternative, super-hot and super-fancy.

I am dowdy, overweight, do a boring job in a boring industry, parent a child ineffectually and generally have nothing to recommend me to anyone outside of my chosen social circle.

I'm driving and we're only staying one night, so I can't even get utterly off my face and pass out as a coping mechanism.

Also, my DP is a lovely, lovely man and I don't want to be a massive killjoy and piss on his chips (he is excellent at and loves large gatherings of people) or be an albatross that he has to support/be nice to the whole time. He's always so positive about time spent with my friends/family (though to be fair, they're all fucking awesome), I feel I should be about time spent with his.

I just want (already) to crawl into a hole and die.

So, how can I cheer the fuck up about this, be positive and try to enjoy it, at least enough to fool my DP into thinking that it's all good.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 09/09/2015 12:37

Look, you really are doing yourself a big disservice because he's obviously so impressed by his friends that he chose someone very different to them as a partner!!!!

Yes, they're his friends but its you he wants as a life partner!

OneDay103 · 09/09/2015 12:40

Just try not to overthink it. Your dh seems very sociable so let him take the lead and it will not put any pressure on you. It's only one night, and worth putting the effort in to make it nice as you say your dh is lovely.

Newquay · 09/09/2015 12:42

I think as you said, he hangs out with your family - so that gratitude and love you have for dh on that score should be enough to inject enough energy to act as if you are having a good time. If you act positive and happy sometimes it can make you genuinely happy. You sound awesome and funny I think anyway :)

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2015 12:43

This is deeply shallow, but do you have something nice to wear? Can you afford to buy something new?

fastdaytears · 09/09/2015 12:50

WOBBLE

Your DP loves you for a reason.

agree with Bertrand would a fan new outfit help? Or pretty nails? Or newly dyed hair? Think of something that would give you a boost is my advice, then go away and it will all be much better than you're expecting.

fastdaytears · 09/09/2015 12:51

Fab not fan! Don't go wearing a fan.

Original poster
IdBuyThatForADollar · 09/09/2015 12:52

Aaah.. This is the sort of tough love I need. More gentle slaps please.

I know I need to man up and try and be positive because it should be a fun weekend for him. It's just unfortunate that this is the kind of thing that makes me squick.

Stupid stuff, like sleeping arrangements and shower/loo facilities are all going to be hippy and shared and communal and because I have a bladder the size of a pea I'll have to go to the loo in the night and what if I (HORROR) meet someone on the way. I don't know what small talk is appropriate at the best of times, so I will doubtless make some inappropriate and uncomfortable comment that was supposed to be funny, but will instead be excruciating and I'll never be able to leave the house again. And I snore.

I am beginning to worry that I am the only person in the world who overthinks to this extent. What a dick.

OP posts:
IJustLostTheGame · 09/09/2015 12:53

I have images now of someone sidling into a room hiding behind one of those massive ostrich fans burlesque dancers use

Original poster
IdBuyThatForADollar · 09/09/2015 12:53

Sadly I can't justify a new outfit at the moment. I do have hair dye though. I am due a new, ridiculous, colour, so maybe I could have interesting hair if I can't manage interesting conversation.

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 09/09/2015 12:54

Oh go on wear a fan- I bet it would lift your party mood!

You don't think much of yourself do you- but he does, and he is awesome as you know.

Original poster
IdBuyThatForADollar · 09/09/2015 12:54

I have images now of someone sidling into a room hiding behind one of those massive ostrich fans burlesque dancers use

Hmmm.. maybe not such a bad idea

OP posts:
Hellocampers · 09/09/2015 12:56

Honestly op you sound bloody funny to me in a good way. Your post made me laugh. I bet you are far better company than you think.

As others say maybe get a good dress? Nails? Hair? Have a few glasses and let your dh do the talking. People love a good listener anyway.

Your dh married you for a reason and it wasn't that your were boring or crap now was it!!!! Wink

IJustLostTheGame · 09/09/2015 12:57

If you meet someone on the loo run just smile. I dread stuff like this. I am so short sighted I never see people until I look rude.
It's one night.
You oh picked you. Probably because you're actually cool. Most really cool people have no idea they're cool. People who try are not.

fastdaytears · 09/09/2015 12:58

You sound awesome. Go for it with the hair. Having nice new hair colour always makes me feel better.

You are funny and interesting I can tell BUT no one wants small talk in the middle of the night when going for a wee. No one.

Original poster
IdBuyThatForADollar · 09/09/2015 12:58

You don't think much of yourself do you- but he does, and he is awesome as you know

Obvs this is the crux of the problem. 'S partly genetic and partly because I spent 10 years with someone telling me I shouldn't think too much of myself (not DP I hasten to add, this isn't one of those threads - that would be a dripfeed too far). However, I do try to hide these self-esteem issues in day-to-day life. DP knows I have them, and is very kind and reassuring, but I want to put on my big girl pants this weekend and not make it about me and my ishoos.

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 09/09/2015 12:59

To be honest I think there is a very huge possibility that you might have a whole bunch of fun on this weekend. You don't sound boring to me. You're a working parent and I am sure have lots to say about all kinds of things. Go on, go and have fun and enjoy your child free time Smile

MerryInthechelseahotel · 09/09/2015 13:07

Plus, they are all super-cool, super-alternative, super-hot and super-fancy

They are probably not! I hope you have lots of fun. just blame dh for the snoring

Original poster
IdBuyThatForADollar · 09/09/2015 13:10

Ahh bearleft I hope you're right. I feel like there's more chance of it now. I really had got myself into a right spiral of negativity about it. I'm feeling a little more reasonable now. Mark you, though, if I do, I shan't be back to update, who wants to be publicly wrong?

If it all goes to shit though I'LL BE BACK TO BLAME ALL YOU MONSTERS who lulled me into a false sense of security.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 09/09/2015 13:14

Could you not look into public transport options?

AuroraTeagarden · 09/09/2015 13:15

Honestly OP you sound just like me - if I knew I was going to be meeting new people I would catch myself practicing saying things like 'hello, nice to meet you' so many times it sounded fake as a square pound coin.

I also have a bladder the size of a toddlers... if you need to pee in the middle of the night and you meet someone then they also have a toddler bladder! Have a line ready like - 'blimey, didn't think I'd have to queue at this time of night'

No advice other than just to relaaaaax.

HSMMaCM · 09/09/2015 13:19

I hate things like this too, but have found in my experience that the hippy commune type people are much more accepting than most other people. I have learned to bluff my way through.

Original poster
IdBuyThatForADollar · 09/09/2015 13:25

They are probably not!

Oh, they are though.

I was going to type a lot of fake introductions for some of them but I feel a bit mean even slightly taking the piss as they're all probably really nice people (and TBF if my life had gone a bit differently I'd probs be a lot more like them), but essentially it's all alternative jobs/running own super niche businesses, living in unusual ways and home education and hippy parenting.

I'm more a boring cog in a vole-strangling corporate whose child goes to private school cos she got offered a scholarship for doing something she loves and she wanted to go (despite my personal objections to private education in general) and whose parenting isn't nearly as hippy as I expected it to be. I'm proper middle England me.

Essentially they are all the people I would have been if I hadn't made some really bad life choices early on and/or had more drive and determination.

(And - SHALLOW - all the women are funny and intelligent and quirky and creative and beautiful and I cannot bear to compare myself to them - even though I tell myself that conventional attractiveness isn't how I should judge myself)

So, in summary, they are lovely, but make me feel bad about myself.

But I'm going to dye my hair, and think about all the things my DP does without complaint and get the fuck on with it so that he can have a fun weekend in the style he used to be accustomed to.

OP posts:
laureywilliams · 09/09/2015 13:25

Your posts make me laugh! I bet you're funny in rl too. If I was at the party (although there's no chance I'd do communal/hippy thing) I'd be wanting to speak to you. I bet they're all looking forward to seeing you.

OneMoreForExtra · 09/09/2015 13:26

Focus on Sunday evening, plan something fab like a takeaway and movie or get a nice bottle in or whatever takes your fancy (chocolates to eat in a hot bath with a magazine?); focus on that and repeat:

It'll be over by Sunday and then I'll XXX
It'll be over by Sunday and then I'll XXX
It'll be over by Sunday and then I'll XXX

every time you start stressing.

And it really will be over by Sunday, and you really can do something nice then, and it really won't be as bad as you think!

fastdaytears · 09/09/2015 13:26

Bad life decisions because your DD goes to private school? Grin only on MN

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