About a weekend away. Answer: yes, I'm totally being unreasonable but need people to give my head a wobble

[IdBuyThatForADollar]

I'm going away with my DP this weekend. Without my DC. I feel this should fill me with joy. It doesn't.

It's a gathering organised by some of DPs friends. Loads of people. I know one couple very slightly. I know no-one else. This is the kind of social situation that sends me into meltdown.

Plus, they are all super-cool, super-alternative, super-hot and super-fancy.

I am dowdy, overweight, do a boring job in a boring industry, parent a child ineffectually and generally have nothing to recommend me to anyone outside of my chosen social circle.

I'm driving and we're only staying one night, so I can't even get utterly off my face and pass out as a coping mechanism.

Also, my DP is a lovely, lovely man and I don't want to be a massive killjoy and piss on his chips (he is excellent at and loves large gatherings of people) or be an albatross that he has to support/be nice to the whole time. He's always so positive about time spent with my friends/family (though to be fair, they're all fucking awesome), I feel I should be about time spent with his.

I just want (already) to crawl into a hole and die.

So, how can I cheer the fuck up about this, be positive and try to enjoy it, at least enough to fool my DP into thinking that it's all good.

I like your thinking SaucyJack, and I did, but the house we're staying in is miles from anywhere, public transport is quite a bit slower and I need to be back for child pick up quite early in the day as my mum has stuff to do later on.

They sound interesting too. Which should make conversation easy.

Bad life decisions because your DD goes to private school? grin only on MN

Hah! I take your point, but she got there because of her skillz, not because I've made choices/done stuff that mean I can afford it. I struggle to afford the uniform most years and fear the day a letter comes home about a trip abroad.

If you're anything like me you're probably better off just having a couple of drinks. I only think I'm funnier/more interesting/fluent in other languages when I've had too much to drink.

Booze does feature in my coping strategy. I'm thinking enough to be chatty, not so much that I fall over. Delicate balance.

TBH you sound a lot more fun than them.
Funny, creative, quirky & beautiful women can be very hard work, someone fun and self depreciative (you) will be much better company.

I bet you have a brilliant time, come back & report.

If you meet someone in the middle of the night going to the loo, then odds are that they too have been to the loo. You will either both combust with embarrassment or simply smile and carry on your ways. Just make sure you remember to wear your PJs.

Laurey - important question: are these languages you have reason to be believe you might be at all fluent in (like being able to read 50% of a menu) or just random ones that take your fancy?

BTW - thank you for all the compliments about how I sound. I can be passably be good company among those I'm comfortable with, but it all drains away in some social situations.

I'm feeling more able to cope now though, so this is all marvellous.

Seriously though, this has been nagging at me like a slight toothache for weeks and has had me fretting about all sorts, so I'm really grateful.

I'm naturally very shy and self-critical too, and so I completely understand where you're coming from. However, and I don't mean this to sound harsh, but it is a kind of ego-centrism to make your interactions with others all about you and whether or not you measure up on whatever scale. It helps me to focus on others, to take an interest in their lives and what motivates them, rather than to obsess about comparing myself to them. I think that if you think about being nice and friendly to others as a social duty and a duty to your DP it might be easier.

I want to be at a party with you! You sound like a real laugh. Can we sit in the corner and drink Mojitos and Prosecco together please?

Paint your nails, do you hair - I always find that miraculous makes me feel about 100 times more grooms as I am a lazy fecker normally.

You lovely, funny, self deprecating observational wit is way better than "fabulous" fashion and "quirky" jobs.

That's a good call, mello, and on an individual basis I don't believe I have a problem doing that. However, set me in a room filled with people who seem to have much more vibrant and interesting lives than mine and I'm generally not good enough not to disappear into my defensive shell and get a bit comparative.

It's good advice though and I'll try to bear it in mind.

There is a risk that the very basic knowledge I have becomes very inflated.

I've never actually claimed fluency in a language I don't know a word of although enough fizzy wine and I probably would

Obviously I'm also more attractive after a couple of drinks. But yes its a delicate balance, tread carefully.

Guess -Can we have the mojitos and prosecco together (at the same time) as well as together (in each other's company)? Cos then I'm well in.

Oh, and I was talking with DH this morning about my own social anxiety. I tend to think and plan and fret ahead so much that I risk sucking all the enjoyment out of a party/wedding/christening. Apparently the key to a happy successful bout of planning ahead is to do 2 steps and no more. Worry about what you are going to look like/talk about/meet when having a pee in the middle of the night is not going to help you. Just think 2 steps

1. Pack the clothes I feel best in.
2. Get there.

Plan your attach for wees in the night when you go to bed. Not now. Worry about how you look in the morning when you wake up. btw have no idea if it works but it sounds quite sensible to me...I can get myself into a real anxious mess. I shall now spend the rest of my life chanting "just two steps ahead"

I've never actually claimed fluency in a language I don't know a word of

That would be AMAZING though.

attack not attach...cos that would just be weird...and a bit eewww.

Can we not go down the road of slating the other women who will be there? Op says they're clever and lovely.

OP, just do what 99% of the populace
do when faced with social duty. Get pissed.

Yes mellow I totally agree. OP I'm sorry but I honestly think you are deluded about how wonderful all these other people are - it's just not the case - life isn't like that. I know it's easy to think that when you're anxious but the reality is that all of us are vulnerable to a greater or lesser extent and have difficulties in our lives, some worse than others, and some people are more resilient, but it doesn't alter the fact that all these people you are talking about are the way you describe them. You are comparing yourself to them and losing out in the comparison.

Also (and I don't mean this to be unkind) but it's a bit of a discount to assume everyone else has a wonderful life and it's just you that is a boring old bugger - you have no idea what is going on in their lives. Most of us hide our problems/illnesses and choose to confide in trusted people, and to look at us you would think we were absolutely fine. Just an example, a woman in Sainsbury's accidentally went in front of me in the check out queue and apologised and I said "no worries" and she said "if only that was true........" I said something to the effect that none of us knew what others were carrying around with them and she agreed. To look at her, she was absolutely fine. OK that was just once chance encounter but it confirmed what I've always believed.

You have your own friends - if you were so awful you wouldn't have any friends..........and to be honest I think people are far too interested in themselves to be worrying about how others are coming across. Try being compassionate/interested in other people and you'll be fine. Ask people about their lives - most people love talking about themselves!

Chanting 'two steps forward' is dangerously close to singing that Paula Abdul classic 'Opposites Attract' though.

Aww, you sound lovely.
If you really, truly don't know them at all, logic states that you really, truly don't know what they are like beneath the superficial appearance.
Hideous cliche alert - strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.
Sharing a bathroom and other facilities could be a great bonding opportunity!
Pollyanna positive, me.
Worst case scenario, it's only one night. You can survive that!
Best case - you make a new friend or two, if you allow yourself to!
Ever walked a dog and chatted to other walkers? Ever been in conversation at the checkout? Ever spoken to anyone at antenatal clinic, playgroup or school gate? You can do this!
And - final thought! If they are your DHs friends, and you get on ok with him, you will most likely get on ok with them, too!

Hang on, you know the lyrics to Opposites Attract but you're worried you're a crap conversationalist?

Trust me, you are not.

How's your understanding of mid eighties Frat Pack movies?

OP I'm sorry but I honestly think you are deluded about how wonderful all these other people are

Probably I am, but it's the scale I find overwhelming I think. I don't do this with anyone on an individual level.

I take the self-centred point though. I know it is, it's part of the reason I needed a head wobble.

Morris Not too shabby. Not too shabby. I'm your woman if you need 90% of The Lost Boys quoted at you over the course of an evening.

Final cliche - you wouldn't worry half so much what people thought about you if you realised how little they did it.

You do sound funny.

Anyway, your fabulous DP has chosen you over these people so you must have something going for you, right?

Does he know how you feel? Tell him you're a bit nervous and ask him to introduce you to people you'll like and just check in with you once in a while.

And don't commit to a seat. Stay standing so you can move around speaking to different people!