Coach leaving my son out of the team

[Mousybrown]

I'm really not if I should say anything or not as I'm normally pretty easygoing about kids stuff but this has really got my back up.
my son has played for the same football team for the last 7 years, every training session and match, he is there no matter what the weather...even if he is just on the bench but following a text from the new coach ( who has just taken the team over)he has been left out of the squad for the first two matches of this coming season ( not even on the bench, he has been told not to come...unless he wants to each from the sidelines).......this would be fine (ish) was it not for the fact that the new coach has taken on severl new players over the summer, some who already play for other teams and theses 'new boys' have been included in the team in some capacity either as players or as subs.
My son is gutted ( he is 11) and he doesn't want to go at the weekend to watch with all the other boys asking him why he isn't playing or in the kit and I really want to tell the coach to shove it......I know he isn't their star player and they want to put a good team out but......the kids has been a loyal player for years and he has been overlooked for kids who are only just signed and I feel so sad for him.......so would I be unreasonable to speak to the coach or not??

ds is 11 and plays for a team
to stop this sort of thing happening ,they have decided to make 2 teams this season and mix them up (ability level )so everyone gets a game.

that wasn't how it sounded to me tbh.

I think it depends on how it's worded. It it's 'No you can't play this week and you can't wear your kit and you'll just have to hang about on the sidelines' then that's harsh.

but if it's 'Sorry you're not selected this week, but how about coming to cheer on the team, they could do with your support. Sorry you can't wear your kit though' then that's the coach trying to help, IMO

yes there's a bit of a difference.....

"ds is 11 and plays for a team
to stop this sort of thing happening ,they have decided to make 2 teams this season and mix them up (ability level )so everyone gets a game."

Another hollow laugh.

There's a good reason that he won't be able to wear his kit, there's a limited number of substitutes and subs have to be named and identified before the match starts, so the op's son can't just rock up in his kit, it causes all sorts of problems for the ref.

Sympathy for you OP and your son, i think your solution (if practical) is to find another, larger, football club that fields multiple teams and can have a second or third team that is comprised of kids who love the game and want to play, but aren't talented enough to play in the first team. Those clubs also realise that players can develop at different rates, there could be a growth spurt around the corner and he's the first team central defender next season.

That said, I do think the existing coach has the right to do as he is doing. hes in a difficult position, if he gives everyone a game then the better players will leave to play for a team that does pick on ability. It must be tough for an 11 year old to deal with, but it's part of growing up and learning that life doesn't always work as you'd like it to.

without wishing to make this about gender (football isn't exclusively male by a long way these days and I can't wait for DD to play), but I'd be interested whether this situation is replicated in things like dance classes? Is there an age point in that where the organisers shift from being 'all inclusive, everyone can join in' to a point where they are entering teams in dance events and some poor girl who loves the class but has no natural sense of balance or timing is shown the door? I suspect not, but would be interested to know

Wow, I've just read your post OP and couldn't believe it as the exact same thing happened to our son at the beginning of this year. It's almost a carbon copy of the whole situation except our son was just completely dropped after a group of new guys suddenly railroaded their way in and started running the show unannounced! We were astounded at his unfair treatment and our boy was left heartbroken with his confidence in tatters - I should add that they did it with absolutely no empathy whatsoever either. My husband has fought our son's corner, and those of others who were also unfairly treated, for months now and to say it has been unpleasant and stressful is an understatement as these guys just couldn't care less. He has recently managed to get our son and some of his fellow outcasts involved in a neighbouring squad though which, so far, they seem to be enjoying and this seems to have given them a much needed boost, however it has meant that they have had to go and play for another village team rather than be given the chance to train and play for their own. I would say speak to whoever you need to about this as it is indeed shitty treatment of a young boy, but if your experience is anything like ours has been, and I sincerely hope it isn't, be prepared to be patronised and for ranks to be closed left, right and centre. My husband has gone as far as the league's chairman, not just for our son's sake but for the others too, and has been repeatedly met with brick walls, despite many people paying lip service to the supposed injustice of it all. I think if our son declared he was no longer interested in football my OH might just breathe an inward sigh of relief! However he loves it and we just want him to be able to continue playing a sport he enjoys. Sorry I haven't been able to give you any constructive advice and reassurance here, I was just so struck by the similarity of our situations! I agree you shouldn't just let it go though and I'd love to hear how you get on. I really do hope that you, and your son, end up with a satisfactory outcome and that we were just unfortunate. Good luck!

Serious question... What do people expect the league chairman and club welfare officer to do?

What I mean is...they haven't actually done anything wrong.

New players join club. Coach wants to have a look at them in a match situation, maybe one plays in the same position as the OPs DS and wants to see how he plays.
Informs parent that he won't be playing ops DS for the next 2 games.

And you think this is shitty treatment and worthy of involving the club chairman??

At the risk of a flaming - this is what I didn't/don't get about team sports. I was always utterly shit at football, so any team that I had turned out for loyally week in week out would be dragged down. The idea that there is a game with winners and losers and cups etc must mean that people want to win surely? If the idea is just to have a kick around - why have teams, leagues etc? I agree it's a shame for OP's son BTW but I can see why it happens and it's why I don't really have a lot of time for footie and team sports.

When a child has shown unwavering loyalty and commitment to his team over a number of years, as OPs son and mine have done, then they deserve to be treated properly and with empathy, not just cast out like they don't matter. We are talking about children here who wish to participate in, whilst enjoying, a sport and that's a positive thing. I get that some are always going to better than others but if players are rotated fairly then everyone gets a chance and they all benefit from one another's differing strengths and abilities whilst being involved in a good team ethic. If and when delicate situations do arise that may result in a child being disappointed and/or their confidence knocked, then there are surely ways and means of dealing with this. My husband spoke to the coach, the welfare officer and then the chairman with a view to all the kids involved been given a fair chance and also because of the way they'd been treated, and he was consistently measured and reasonable in his approach towards everyone involved. There was a written team ethos that had completely been ignored and the new coach and his posse of managers ensured that all their sons played every match, despite not all of them necessarily being the strongest players or the longest standing. We are talking about impressionable children and what would be the point in having a welfare officer at all if he wasn't supposed and expected to look after their welfare?

When a child has shown unwavering loyalty and commitment to his team over a number of years

or

Flipping that coin, "when a child has had his turn in the team for years, and now the coach is giving another child who has approached him a turn for a couple of games to see what he is like"

Totally agree with TantrumsandBalloons

Can't believe that people are seriously suggesting contacting the club welfare officer because a boy hasn't been picked for 2 games . They are there for safeguarding things, not helicopter parents who think their child is too precious to be 'rested'.

You know, when ds1 was 11 he spent a good half of that season on the bench. Because there were 2 other players better than him who played in his position.

Fuck me, I should have just phoned the welfare officer. That would have saved him months of training and determination

they deserve to be treated properly and with empathy, not just cast out like they don't matter

To be fair, we don't know if that is what has happened in the OPs case. All she said is that her DS has been left out of the first two games of the season. Who knows what will happen after that? It may be that he plays every other game for the rest of the season. He's hardly been cast out.

FWIW, we are certainly not 'helicopter parents' and our son absolutely put in 'months of training and determination', hence our disappointment in the way he was treated. However this is the OP's thread and I genuinely wish her all the best in finding a happy resolution to this. ??

Sorry that should be

To the person who said it doesn't happen in dance:

Well they can all turn up to lessons, and will all, if wanted and at the required standard, do exams, and they all can be in the dance school's show (one every 2 years). But when it comes to competitions or displays that only a group goes to then it is the favourites same select group every time. And that's from much younger, probably about age 8yo.
So pretty much equivalent to just coming to training and playing in an occasional friendly.

And I'll just add that the reason I say it starts at 8yo is because that's the age she's prepared to take them to competitions from, not that she takes any younger.
So 90% of the children that go through the school never get to do it.

witchend- yes it does happen in dance- although my DDs dance school does not do competitions.
Exams are a big pressure though, and by the time the dancers are teens the numbers in each class dwindle leaving only a few competent dancers.
Girls themselves are aware of peer pressures and their own capabilities.

Although there are 450 kids attend my DDs dance school with most classes at the younger age group having waiting lists- of her majors classes their are only 6 girls in each class- those with the best ability.
Sad but true.

Really sorry this has happened to the Op's son. It is quite a common phenomenon in kid's football. I have to say I is possible to be a successful and a fair team. My son's team came first in division 2 last season yet the coaches organise it so everyone gets similar match time. They have a good team ethos and I think this is actually why they are successful. I thank my lucky stars he is in that team.

Even adult professional teams rotate players and some complain of never playing.

I agree that it's too soon and only two games and I'd see how it goes, but if he never gets to play ar all it's not healthy for a team. It creates the stars and the rest, and the rest never get the chance to show themselves in competition or improve their skills against other teams.

The thing is ,football is a competitive sport is it fair on the rest of the team not to field the best players ? When they are little then sport is about participation,but as they get to secondary school age their needs to be a shift of emphasis.I do think that they should field a second team too though.

It is possible the coach is a bastard. It is also possible that he is using the first two matches to try out the new boys in match play so he can see what they are made of. Wait and see.

".I do think that they should field a second team too though."

Hollow laugh.

Serious question... What do people expect the league chairman and club welfare officer to do?

I would expect the club chairman to ensure that the ethos of the club is that everyone gets a fair crack of the whip. You do need seeded teams - if you don't have enough players to have more than one team, then I think you need to be fair and rotate the players. To be honest, my ds wasn't a great player so I would have been happy if he'd got half a match each week even if a better player was on for 3/4 of a match if there weren't enough players to have two teams of differing ability. But I would not expect to pay my subs and then sit on the sidelines every week or get 10 minutes at the end of a match.

As for the club welfare officer - I would expect them to listen to complaints and invite views from all sides. For example, if a coach complained about the behaviour of a player, I would expect the club welfare officer to contact the parents and obtain the child's side of the story. Not just take the coaches word for it. Equally if a parent is concerned that their son never gets to play, the club welfare officer could listen to their complaint and ask the coach what is going on. Protecting children isn't just about sexual abuse, another aspect might be self-esteem.

Coaches are volunteers and it's a tough role. But they need to be fair. We have a huge obesity problem in this country. Casting out boys of 11 because they are not as good as other players is not the way to encourage physical activity and coaches have taken on the role, so they have a responsibility to act fairly and equitably.

My son's club had three seeded teams. It still didn't avoid all the problems and we eventually left, but it did mean that all the kids had a fair chance to play, most of the time.