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Original poster

Coach leaving my son out of the team

256 replies

Mousybrown · 08/09/2015 18:09

I'm really not if I should say anything or not as I'm normally pretty easygoing about kids stuff but this has really got my back up.
my son has played for the same football team for the last 7 years, every training session and match, he is there no matter what the weather...even if he is just on the bench but following a text from the new coach ( who has just taken the team over)he has been left out of the squad for the first two matches of this coming season ( not even on the bench, he has been told not to come...unless he wants to each from the sidelines).......this would be fine (ish) was it not for the fact that the new coach has taken on severl new players over the summer, some who already play for other teams and theses 'new boys' have been included in the team in some capacity either as players or as subs.
My son is gutted ( he is 11) and he doesn't want to go at the weekend to watch with all the other boys asking him why he isn't playing or in the kit and I really want to tell the coach to shove it......I know he isn't their star player and they want to put a good team out but......the kids has been a loyal player for years and he has been overlooked for kids who are only just signed and I feel so sad for him.......so would I be unreasonable to speak to the coach or not??

OP posts:
Lweji · 09/09/2015 11:48

TwmSionCati
Yes, but he's getting better. Hopefully, won't repeat it ever.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 09/09/2015 11:49

Also, can I ask a terminology question?

In the league I know it's a manager who draws up team sheets, sorts out substitutions at matches, encourages the boys, watches the training sessions and helps with warm-ups, putting cones out etc And generally does a lot of running around for very little thanks!

A coach is employed to actually, you know, coach and improve the players' skills... He'll talk to the manager and suggest formations, who's improving, all that type of stuff.

So maybe your club should think about separating the two roles? I think it's too much for one person to do without being autocratic.

budgiegirl · 09/09/2015 11:50

What the OP describes does seem to be selection on 'mates only' . The ones that the coach brought with him though.

Where are you getting that from, Whatsthat? The OP just says that the coach has taken on some new players, not that they're his favourites, or mates, or even that he know them!

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 11:51

whatsthatcomingoverthehill - I'm not deliberately misreading your posts, just frustrated that people think team selection should not be based on merit, but on how long you have been a member of the club.
You are complaining that new coaches bring in new players (their 'mates') that are replacing older team members (your 'mates').
There is not a lot of logic in your argument as you are complaining that the new coach is doing exactly what you are doing - basing team selection on who is classified as a 'mate'.

Surely the best way to deal with the whole thing fairly is to select on merit, not length of club membership.

I am absolutely certain that your preference to block new people joining so old members keep their place on the team would be really unfair to lots of people.

Annaliesey · 09/09/2015 11:56

There are some right twats in football coaching positions. Honestly some are complete @rses!!

At 11 the rules change .. Bigger pitches, bigger goals, longer play time ... And quite often the team manager will decide if running the team on a "fair play" policy or "play for positions"

It sounds like he's come into the team already decided it's a play-for-positions emphasis without consulting anyone

You could try liasing with child welfare officer but IMO I would just move to another club quickly and avoid this aggressive behaviour as often managers with a play-for-positions attitude can be pretty aggressive with training styles, communication, approach to competition

Leave him with some budding Beckhams that don't turn up :)

CocktailQueen · 09/09/2015 12:00

Jonicomelately - Cocktail That level of despair from 11 year olds is learned behaviour... The behaviour you describe is not normal and perhaps goes to my earlier point about children being scared of losing rather than wanting to win? My ds are upset after a defeat but it's never anything compared to the disappointment on some of the parents and coaches faces. People need to seriously understand how they are projecting their feelings onto their children.

I was talking about 7-8 yos. This may be the case sometimes but certainly not all the time. Some of the dads are v laidback yet their sons are v competitive - and find losing hard.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 12:00

Annaliesey - all the posts on here indicate that moving to another club doesn't work as he will be viewed as coming in to take somebody else's rightful place!
The OP can't complain that new players are joining her club and taking her son's place and then move to another club to take someone else's place.
Because apparently players have a right to a place if they have been there for enough years.

swimmerforlife · 09/09/2015 12:01

Absolutely agree with everything middleaged is saying.

Why is it fair on the children who have worked so hard, put the time and effort in to get their skills and expertise to a high standard but get left out of the squad just to give the less abled players some time on the field??

Tbh I would say it's about time your DS learn that he cannot be the best at everything or make the best team etc.

EponasWildDaughter · 09/09/2015 12:11

just frustrated that people think team selection should not be based on merit, but on how long you have been a member of the club.

Has anyone said that OPs son (WTF with all this 'snowflake' crap? Unpleasant.) should be on the pitch because of how long he's been at the club? The OP has pointed out the length of time he has been a loyal member, turning out in all weathers, is because it illustrates his commitment. It shows he's not waltzed into the club 2 months ago and is expecting to play every time.

Team selection shouldn't be based on length of 'service', no, but definitely should be based on more than just merit - this is a children's team. It's meant to be fun isn't it?

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 12:12

Bizarrely, this conversation doesn't stop when they become adults. At the local sports club were our son plays, they brought in a new coach for the men's first team which is a highly competitive national team (not football). The new coach has been able to attract several fantastic new players to the club. The whole club was divided as to whether it was fair to to those players who ended up being bounced from the first team to the second (and the subsequent knock-on effects on all the lower teams).
There were two camps; those that thought that the game and the club came first and it was the first team's duty to recruit the best players possible and win as many trophies. The second camp thought it was extremely unfair on the first team members who lost their positions and had been members of the club for many years and worked their way up through the ranks.
Not sure there will ever be a solution to this problem and I can't expect we will resolve it today on MN.

mowbraygirl · 09/09/2015 12:13

Our DGN (dear great nephew) was in the same sort of situation played for the local team and was very good new coach took over and DN was lucky if he played 10 minutes of a match as coach always put his son first who was absolutely useless and of course they started losing every match. Players and parents complained that DN was good and helped them win so many matches previously but coach would not budge.

DN played for his school and at one of these matches someone from the town team saw him and offered for him to go and play for them which he did and was even paid a bit every time he played for the first team. So of course left local team then coach used to ring up his parents pleading for him to come back they told him no uncertain terms as to why he left.

My friends DGD had the same thing as regards a netball team at school she really enjoyed it and was good rarely picked as the coach used to pick her daughter and her friends children and rarely gave any other girl a chance. The DGD was spotted by the Borough coach and asked would she like to join the junior team which she did she was featured in the local paper a couple of times and head teacher even rang the mother to ask why she didn't try for the school team he was told why, the following year the netball coach was replaced. The girl has now gone on to play for the County.

Around here I know a couple of people who are involved with local teams and they are run very fairly even child gets a chance in a game and they are always praised for doing their best.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 09/09/2015 12:16

Where have I said team selection shouldn't be based on merit? What I am objecting to is the coach seemingly remaking it into 'his' team, rather than working with what he has got. And I haven't talked of blocking new people joining, just not letting the coach change the team around to be 'his'.

Budgie, it could of course simply be coincidence that a bunch of new players just happen to have come in at the same time as the new coach, and he just happens to pick all of these new players, but didn't know any of them before and didn't encourage them to join. I just think it's unlikely.

I'm not an advocate of a woolly, let everyone have equal time approach. Though at this level I think as a coach you should either give some time to people who come regularly to training, or at least be honest to a player and say they are unlikely to get picked.

budgiegirl · 09/09/2015 12:22

whatsthat, I agree that openness and honesty is the best way to go. The club should have a policy on team selection, and it would be fair for the OP to ask the coach how the team will be selected from now on. At least everyone will know where they stand, and the OP can make a decision on what she feels is best for her son.

jonicomelately · 09/09/2015 12:26

Cocktail

If the children are 7 to 8 that's incredibly sad.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 12:27

Budgie I agree completely. The OP should ask what is likely to happen in the future. But personally I would let it run for a few weeks to see what happens as it is early days.

jonicomelately · 09/09/2015 12:30

Middleaged
I have no problem with this tough selection policy being implemented when we're talking about adults. The problem is when it's done to children who are developing their skills and their love of the game.

This whole approach takes no account either of late developers. When puberty comes into play everything changes again as some boys are practically built like men aged 13 whilst others are still pre-pubescent. This causes all sorts of problems for both groups alike. it's one heck of a minefield!

loveandsmiles · 09/09/2015 12:32

Sport is competitive! It's great kids take part for fitness and enjoyment but as they learn and progress then they move forward into the more competitive side of it.

My DS plays for a football team and will move to the over 11's next year. He knows it will become more competitive and his coach will pick the best players for the team. At the moment the coach does give everyone a game - when they were younger they didn't seem to care if they won or lost but now you see them blaming weaker members for a loss, the stronger ones sticking together - they want to win and be the best.

My DD and DS swim for a club and again, it is very competitive. My DD attends every training session (every week night) but is very rarely picked for the squad who compete as she isn't fast enough and won't gain the club points in competition. My DS misses lots of training due to preferring football over swimming but is always in the squad competing as he is fast and generally wins. They choose their squad based on who is likely to win.

I don't know what other sports are like and how competitive they are?

MiddleAgedandConfused · 09/09/2015 12:32

whatsthat - I give up! So you support selection by merit within the team, but no new members unless they are 'natural' recruits. Too complicated for me. I though sport was for all, not just those who were already club members.
But a really interesting thread! I have enjoyed banging heads with all of you!

jonicomelately · 09/09/2015 12:34

We have a weaker player in our team who one of the more mouthier boys started to criticise. Our coach got wind of this and told the boy's mother that if it continued he'd have to leave the team. Funnily enough he stopped pretty sharpish Grin

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2015 12:36

20 in the squad, 14 in a team for a match so 6 not selected every match. How do the everyone should play every week brigade suggest that's dealt with?

TwmSionCati · 09/09/2015 12:41

OK obviously not everyone can play every week, that is indeed the nature of competitive sport. but telling the kid to not sit on the bench or wear his kit, and just to stand at the sidelines is......what's the word I am looking for?
Cuntish?

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2015 12:46

There is a limit to the number of players you can take to a match - you are only allowed so many subs. So he couldn't wear his kit.

Our "resting" players sometimes come to watch if it's a home match- but if it's away, most parents breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy a weekend off!

BertrandRussell · 09/09/2015 12:51

My Dp keeps a record of who's played, and tried to make sure everyone gets an equal number of games- selecting his squad according to the opposition. For example, last year we had one team in the league we could beat easily, and one who could annihilate us. So he put his strongest squad against the better team, and the weakest against the weaker. This gave the weaker team confidence, and also meant that the other team weren't beaten too badly- very few people enjoy seeing cricket scores.

budgiegirl · 09/09/2015 12:56

but telling the kid to not sit on the bench or wear his kit, and just to stand at the sidelines is......what's the word I am looking for?
Cuntish?

Really? That's cuntish? I must tell my DH! Or is it just trying to encourage a child to support his team members and to feel included in some capacity?

TwmSionCati · 09/09/2015 12:59

" Or is it just trying to encourage a child to support his team members and to feel included in some capacity? "

really? that wasn't how it sounded to me tbh. sounds more like new coach is trying to edge people out of the team. I could be oversensitive to such things of course.