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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be fucking beyond furious with my ten year old daughter

541 replies

ovaryhill · 07/09/2015 19:23

Had a call from fraud prevention at my bank today
Daughter has been playing Movistar Planet and has taken my bank acard nd spent £266 over the past couple of months!!!
I'm so upset I could cry

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 08/09/2015 09:24

A fair bit of shit stirring going on by a few on this thread. Best to ignore.

OP i think youve made the right decision. If she doesnt repay you or steals again then you have the dolls there to sell.

There is a balance between ineffectual soft parenting and "beats them with sticks just incase they think about looking at you wrong" i feel sorry for some children looking at some of the "parenting" suggestions on this thread. Hurt a child so deeply and they grow angry. Angry kids become angry adults.

Abraid2 · 08/09/2015 09:29

I wouldn't sell her toys. I'd see whether a community police officer, or whatever they are called, would pay you a quick visit. In uniform.

Failing that, I would set up a list of tasks she will have to carry out, stop pocket money and all outings for an agreed period.

My son stole money from a pot we keep for parking/coffees/newspapers,etc. He was about eight or nine. We spoke strictly to him but did not confiscate or sell toys. He is 18 now and shows no thieving tendencies. It is not uncommon for children at this stage in primary school.

They also do not always understand, at this age, that a card has to be paid back. It feels theoretical. At ten my son would often suggest just using a card instead of 'money' when he or we wanted something. It took a long time for him to get the point that the card needed repaying, and he is far from stupid!

purplepandas · 08/09/2015 09:30

Good luck with recouping the money op. You seem very sensible to me in your approach.

JacquesHammer · 08/09/2015 09:30

With regards to the hysterical "make someone else pay for stealing" hand wringing. iTunes tend to refund in cases where its too easy for children to make in App purchases. Did you know there have been developers who have been sneaky enough to bypass the restrictions you set on a device? So you can have the highest possible security and still accidentally make in-App purchases. It is a fairly common complaint within the industry - how easy it is to make accidental purchases, by using carefully worded language - and something people who develop for Apple are being increasingly reminded to avoid.

OP - I think you're dealing with it brilliantly. I don't think selling SOME things to recoup some of the money is a bad thing - could you sit down with her and go through her stuff and let her help choose some things to sell?

As an aside. Jane Eyre?

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 09:31

but cancelling christmas absolutely vile cruelty to a child.

Not if the lesson is "Well you stole all the money and spent it, so now there's none left for presents", it isn't. Which may very well be the case for some people. A PP whose daughter also did this stated that there was no money for Christmas after her child did this, and instead of making sure the child learned the appropriate lesson about what happens when you steal money and spend it, she got the company to pay for it. Absolutely appalling.

Hellocampers · 08/09/2015 09:35

If you can't afford to buy toys for Christmas that's one thing but cancelling Christmas is quite another thing and extremely cruel and in my view would be despicable.

Op seems to have it right here.

Some posters just seem cruel.

RabbitsarenotHares · 08/09/2015 09:36

Why don't you calculate how many hours' work that was for you, and then make her pay that back in hours of chores?

LurkingHusband · 08/09/2015 09:39

Flowers for OP.

Just some practical advice for people with credit/debit cards. When you receive them, memorize, then obliterate (you may need a soldering iron, because the digits are embossed) the last 3 digits on the signature strip. That's the CV2 number (Card Verification 2) which is required for cardholder not present transactions.

Without that number, even if your card is stolen, it can't be used for CNP transactions. In the OPs case, it would have prevented her daugter using the card.

There are no legitimate reasons why the CV2 number is required if the card is used in person.

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 09:42

Ceyes, do you have children? Do you spend most of your days being shocked and outraged?

The criminal age of responsibility is too low in this country - a 10 year old is criminally responsible for their actions but they can still be hit by their parents and not be able to report them to the police for assault.

Hellocampers · 08/09/2015 09:43

Lurking that's a very good idea. Thanks for that.

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 09:46

'appalling', 'ridiculous', 'appropriate punishment', do you have any positive vocabulary Ceyes03, oh and do you have children, children that live with you?

jorahmormont · 08/09/2015 09:48

Flowers OP.

I'd rather be a namby pamby parent and grow up to have a good relationship with my child, than get some kind of kick out of punishing them as harshly as possible, and have them rebel against me completely and destroy any trusting relationship.

Hellocampers · 08/09/2015 09:48

I remember a 'friend' punishing her ds by packing a case and telling him he was going to the childrens home. Sad she was winking at me and enjoying herself.

He was distraught. And 10.

After I had wiped the floor with the cruel bitch I reflected that some parents actually enjoy exerting power and cruelty over their children.

That child and his sister are now adults and have both emigrated and estranged.

My soft parenting produced 4 adults/teens who are tolerant and empathetic. We are all close.

Emus · 08/09/2015 09:50

I perhaps wouldn't sell the dolls (but then I'm a soft touch!), but would confiscate them and over time let her buy back a doll with pocket money each month (if she gets pocket money)? I would be fuming too.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 09:51

You seem very concerned as to whether or not I have children, Goldenbear.

Firstly, it's absolutely none of your business.

Secondly, why? Would you like some tips? I mean, clearly you have no concept that a child should know right and wrong as it pertains to stealing by the age of 10, so perhaps you could do with a little bit of parenting help yourself from someone who does?

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 09:52

Ceyes03, do you have any children and do they live with you?

SeaMagic · 08/09/2015 09:53

Kissing Fish that is a really offensive analogy to make.

A ten year old child taking a credit card and a grown man raping a woman?

Hmm
LieselVonTwat · 08/09/2015 09:53

Your recent replies sound pretty sensible OP. Good luck.

JacquesHammer · 08/09/2015 09:56

Secondly, why? Would you like some tips? I mean, clearly you have no concept that a child should know right and wrong as it pertains to stealing by the age of 10, so perhaps you could do with a little bit of parenting help yourself from someone who does?

Not the poster who initially asked but I have an 8 year old who knows right from wrong. And I would never in a million years parent in the way you advocate.

ceyes03 · 08/09/2015 09:57

I already told you once, Goldenbear. Do you have comprehension problems? I'll try again, just for luck: a) it's absolutely none of your business and b) If you can't come up with a better argument for not agreeing that a child should know right and wrong by the age of 10 than "You must not have children!" then I'm not going to dignify you with a response.

Again, would you like some tips from someone who does realise that a child should know right from wrong at that age? You sound like you could use some.

KissingFish · 08/09/2015 09:57

SeaMagic, the victim blaming is exactly the same in both instances.

It is not the woman's fault she was raped no matter what she did or didn't do wrong.

It is not the OP's fault her daughter stole from here no matter what she did or didn't do wrong.

jorahmormont · 08/09/2015 09:57

So it's safe to say that ceyes doesn't have children, and has no idea what they're talking about in.

Maybe you should write a book on it if you're so knowledgeable, ceyes? "Vengeful Parenting: Why calling your kids thieving shits is good for them". Ah, I can see it now. I'm sure we'd all benefit from your advice; we definitely need more immature, impulsive parents who compete to scar their child with the most drawn out, unnecessary punishments.

TenForward82 · 08/09/2015 09:58

I really really don't get the people on here assuming that because some of us are in favour of what we feel is necessary punishment to make a 10 year old understand and make amends for their crime (STEALING credit cards, not just idly clicking a button on an app) that that must mean we only have children so we can exert draconian control and get our rocks off by punishing / traumatising children.

We simply don't want to raise assholes. Get off your hysterical high horses. You've completely lost perspective in your quest to be your child's best friend instead of their parent.

SoapyBubblez · 08/09/2015 09:58

I do think that cancelling Christmas is very cruel and OTT.
I personally, would not sell the dolls. I would take them all away and give them back one by one using a chart for chores, so she can earn them back. I would also take away any pocket money and use of the computer for a while. Perhaps a stricter curfew when out with friends, too?
I also agree with speaking to her about the friends, to see whether they were egging her on etc.

Hope you can get things sorted, OP! Flowers

Goldenbear · 08/09/2015 10:00

So you do 'not' have children then?

What top tips in bringing up narrow minded reactionaries - no thanks, I'll leave it!

Talking of leaving- shouldn't you be heading over to the Mail at this time there must be some headlines that you can froth over and comment on?