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AIBU?

to ask why society hates single mums?

309 replies

maxxytoe · 06/09/2015 13:30

Just why?
I very rarely see the press mention anything about single mums in a good way , it's always vilifying them for being single , on benefits etc
Even on facebook people I know (who have been raised by single mums may I add Hmm ) do status' saying something along the lines of 'the single mums will be out spending the child benefit in town tonight' Hmm

There's a guy at my work who got custody of his children and people cant praise him enough and say how he's doing a great job etc
But yet my colleague who is a single mum doesn't get the same ?

What is societies problem with single mums?!

OP posts:
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RebootYourEngine · 06/09/2015 13:33

I dont know but maybe they are scared of us. Scared that we can look after our kids without some big strong man helping us out.

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Shiningdew · 06/09/2015 13:36

I have never heard anyone say anything about single mothers spending the child benefit!

I think if you're honest, you know why the perception of single mums is what it is. Which isn't to say it's accurate, of course.

  1. Most single parent families are headed by a mother. Statistically these are more likely to be in what we consider poverty. This comes hand in hand with other social problems.


  1. Many are seen as having 'tricked' the man who didn't want kids anyway and then as staying home living off benefits and CM.


  1. 'Boys need their dads!'


  1. Single fathers are unusual. Many will be widows rather than divorcees and will elicit more pity than a widowed woman anyway.


  1. With one in three divorces I actually think the anti single mum attitude has changed. Could be wrong though.
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SchnooSchnoo · 06/09/2015 13:38

Single mums - shit
Single dads - amazing
SAHMs - don't pay their way
SAHDs - selflessly allowing their partners to pursue their career
WOHMs - selfish
WOHDs - providing for their families

Sums it up really!

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Floggingmolly · 06/09/2015 13:38

Not being funny; but you say single mums are never mentioned in a "good" way... What specifically is good about single parenthood that is should be singled out for praise?

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tiitymouse · 06/09/2015 13:39

Because society still, underneath it all, hates women. How dare they think they don't need a man?

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Oysterbabe · 06/09/2015 13:40

I don't think it's just single mums, just anyone on benefits that get looked down on sadly.

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spanisharmada · 06/09/2015 13:41

I don't know but I do agree. Sometimes I feel quite vilified for not aborting my little boy.

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lighteningirl · 06/09/2015 13:41

I was a single mum for 16 years never came across any negativity but now I am happily married and mixing in differentish circles I can see a lot of smug married unaware how unhappy their dh are as an aside am shocked by some of the attitudes on this site have seen more disrespect (often subtle andunintentional) to single mums here than I ever did in rl. My personal opinion raising children far easier on your own just fight to ensure they see their dad/grandad/good male role model.

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WorraLiberty · 06/09/2015 13:41

I don't think 'society' does hate single Mums. I think it's mostly the media who have a thing about them.

Most normal people won't be giving them a second thought.

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EnthusiasmDisturbed · 06/09/2015 13:43

yes single dads are often seen as saints

i am not sure most of us did not plan to be single, some did many of us support ourselves and many are stuck in low paid jobs women are often blamed for the wrongs in society and we are judged harsher

i do get pissed off when i am told ds dad is a great dad because he sees him every week and pays maintenance there are no issues about that he is a good dad he certainly has been far from great in the past but has got better and when he took him for a medical appointment recently (he was off work i was not) you would have thought he had discovered a cure for cancer the pedestal he was placed on but that sadly is a reflection on what low standards we now have as a society for non resident dads

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NeedsAsockamnesty · 06/09/2015 13:44

I'm sure it's because we are slags. Obviously Wink

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lighteningirl · 06/09/2015 13:47

Well compared to most non resident dads he does sound great sorry if that's not what you want to hear but it is true. I get that doing the bare minimum in a man is lauded and in a woman expected but that's the true difference in gender: expectations

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SeasideSunshine · 06/09/2015 13:48

Single mums - shit
Single dads - amazing
SAHMs - don't pay their way
SAHDs - selflessly allowing their partners to pursue their career
WOHMs - selfish
WOHDs - providing for their families


I think this is fairly accurate. You note that any situation in which the mother is attempting to devote more time to raising the children herself (rather than using childcare - and no, that's not a slam on working mums, as I've been both the SAHM and WOHM), then she's branded as lazy, selfish, not paying her way. Women really are expected to do it all. No wonder so many wear themselves out trying.

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IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 06/09/2015 13:49

The press slate everyone at some point so their views are irrelevant.

The only fb posts I've seen regarding mothers out spending benefits and to the likes was on fathers4justice page and given their rather recent campaign their opinions are irrelevant irrational

Anyone that comes on MN slating single parents usual feels the wrath of MN posters.

So I don't see as single parents get anymore of a harder time than anyone else. (I am a lone parent btw)

You are right though that if it's the dad raising children alone it's like they have some super power than if it's the mother raising them alone but I'm not sure if it's comes across in a patronising (if that's the right word) way to the dad raising kids alone.

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hesterton · 06/09/2015 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thehypocritesoaf · 06/09/2015 13:52

I think it's general misogyny- women are wrong whatever they do - working mums wrong
Stay at home mums lazy
Young mums- eww
Older mums eww
Etc etc

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NobodyLivesHere · 06/09/2015 13:52

floggingmolly well for starters single mums are bringing up a decent percentage of our children, well, happily, in stable homes. they are the ones who hold things together when relationships fail and dads disappear off never to be seen again. who work hard to maintain stability. i'd say these are positives, wouldn't you?

disclaimer: i'm not saying ALL dads disappear.

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EnthusiasmDisturbed · 06/09/2015 13:54

that is what i mean our standards are so low now ds should not have anything less and neither should any other child

a great nrp is one that is always there for their child as much as they can be and will do their best for their child/children i know nr fathers that are like this ds dad has certainly improved but why should this been seen as great isn't that what being a parent is about

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TheStoic · 06/09/2015 13:58

Not being funny; but you say single mums are never mentioned in a "good" way... What specifically is good about single parenthood that is should be singled out for praise?

Working hard to raise decent kids with little support? I'd say that deserves praise. It's challenging enough with two engaged and motivated parents.

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Lurkedforever1 · 06/09/2015 13:58

Because we all have at least 6 kids from 6 dads, don't work, and our kids are badly behaved delinquents who we are raising to fleece the system too. Oh no, that's just the media.

In fairness I think it's only your average twat, who hates everyone who has a downer on single mums. Doesn't help that even in soaps single mums don't tend to represent the majority. Tbh though the people I've met that have twatty attitudes tend to do it about anyone who isn't like them. Last time I bumped into someone who used to make snide digs about single mums, she was bitching about her hard earned taxes paying for all these fraudulent disabled people living the high life on any pretence of ill health, and the polish taking over because there appears to be about 3 who work in the nearest small shopping precinct.

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SurlyCue · 06/09/2015 13:59

Single mums= women independant of men and fucking killing it= intimidating to men who realise this means they arent needed= men (who run the country) must remove power from these women= belitting, disempowering, slagging off of women.

Basically single women doing well scare men.

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Shiningdew · 06/09/2015 14:03
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XCChamps · 06/09/2015 14:03

I think hate is a bit strong and TBH, in recent years I don't think there has been that much negative reporting but:

A very high percentage of ASBO types are raised by a mother alone. That's not to say at all that all single mums raise delinquent children but sadly a lot of delinquent children are the product of absent fathers. IMO it's the fathers where the venom should be directed, but they've disappeared, so "they" have to direct it somewhere else.

I also think there's a perception that single motherhood is a choice many women make deliberately when in fact that is very rare.

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OneDay103 · 06/09/2015 14:05

I think for a start before blaming the media, look at the countless threads on here where people bash each other over this very reason. The most criticism is generally from women, yet it's assumed that these 'media and societal' views are made up of men.

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SurlyCue · 06/09/2015 14:08

IMO it's the fathers where the venom should be directed, but they've disappeared, so "they" have to direct it somewhere else.

I think its a case of when there is a problem you first see what is there rather than look for what isnt. IYSWIM. So child/teen misbehaving, lets talk to family, mum is all that's there so clearly mum is the problem. Easy, sorted, no effort required. Rather than looking further and actually finding out if its a lack of support in general from other parent, wider family, social issues etc.

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